The global economy and security are in a state of flux, thereby engendering human migration more than ever before. This is more so for the younger and middle-aged population, searching for an improved quality of life. As I ruminate over this trend, I realise that this sometimes forms the motive for some marriages and not necessarily love.

Take the case of Tamara, a pretty, articulate, and amiable young lady who at about the age of 28, met an equally attractive, independent, and successful young man, Bolarinwa, in a chat room online. The attraction was mutual and electric and in a span of six months, Bolarinwa had invited Tamara over to visit him at his base in Amsterdam. Tamara loved it there and had started scheming on the easiest way to consolidate the relationship especially since back in her home country, she was barely coping with the challenges. During the visit, she became pregnant and Bolarinwa was over the moon about it. He was obviously in love with Tamara and grateful to God for meeting “the love of his life”. This was so important to him especially since at 39, he was under tremendous pressure from family and friends to as they put it “settle down”. After all, he had a comfortable job and was thriving in Amsterdam. He also knew that once he got married, both wife and child would be entitled to live and work in Amsterdam. Life was good. He extended her stay to enable her to deliver the baby in Amsterdam, thus enabling the baby the benefit of citizenship. Afterwards, they all undertook the journey back home to tie the knot and it looked like a divinely ordered affair.

Trouble however started shortly after their return to Amsterdam as Tamara seemed to have undergone a 180-degree turnaround. She became rude, arrogant, and uncouth. The home became a battlefield where scathing remarks were exchanged and hurt feelings were ignored. In spite of Bolarinwa’s entreaties to work on the relationship and possibly seek counsel, Tamara decided to walk away with two-year-old Bimbo. Soon after, she married a Dutchman. A devastated Bolarinwa, too late, remembered the warnings of Andrew (his bosom friend). When he had broached the idea of his intention to marry Tamara, Andrew had warned “Bro, look before you leap! The Latin term Caveat Emptor is not only applicable to business deals. These days, you must assess or ascertain the motive of any potential partner. Is their motive borne out of genuine interest or is it seen as a means to an end?”

It is important to note here that not all marriages contracted with diasporans are based on a premise of deception or manipulation. However, emphasis is placed on reading between the lines and assessing the relationship with clear eyes and not rose-tinted glasses. May the Lord grant us the spirit of discernment. It is also worthy of mention here that the roles are reversible, it is not gender-based.

Love

Havilah

In times gone by it was commonplace for women to express concern when their husbands or fiancés had to visit the Southeastern part of Nigeria for protracted stays. Reason? Fear of losing such men to ladies from the area. It was believed by men and women alike that women from the region knew what it took to please a man and keep a man. This belief could be traced to the “Fattening Room” concept. The popular belief was that the Efiks, Ibibios, and Kalabari ladies were sent to the fattening rooms to flesh them up in preparation for marriage, a formal pre-marriage routine. However, the fattening room offered a lot more training for the prospective bride as it embraced five more key components of marriage. These are:

1. Grooming and beauty care.
2. Culinary expertise.
3. Respect, patience, and courtesy.
4. Financial management
5. Pleasurable techniques

This became etched in the subconscious of ladies from the region and was passed on from generation to generation. They became recognised for making good wives. However, this did not prevent women from other regions from the capacity to make good wives provided they were (albeit informally) frequently counseled and mentored by their mothers and other elderly members of the family on expectations from marriage. However, what better method of learning than emulation? Consequently, where a mother’s instruction or advice runs contrary to her example or practice, the resultant effect is confusion in the daughter’s mind. As the proverb goes, “example is better than precept” so the daughter is more likely to follow the example rather than the advice. This does not preclude counseling from clerics, but such counsel is usually perceived as doctrinal and short-lived, spanning 4-12 sessions of about an hour each…considered inadequate.

In recent times, mothers appear too busy to provide appropriate counseling, and often the children have had to live away from home for protracted periods prior to marriage. It therefore means greater reliance is placed on the examples they observed while growing up at home. It is therefore important for mothers and guardians, to mentor their children and wards with good examples of how marriage should be handled. Parents need to pay attention to what happens at home, to assist their children in building successful homes. Let us learn from Oremi’s counsel below:

Oluta rang the bell of her girlfriend’s house and shifted impatiently until Oremi opened the door. Omitting the usual pleasantries, she hastened into the living room asking, “Ah ah, Oremi, what took you so long to attend to the door?” In the same breath, she continued…” honestly, I have had it up to my neck with Obu. He is such a spoilt brat throwing unnecessary tantrums. Can you imagine, he refuses to eat when he is upset, and when he storms out angry and I do not have food ready for him because I assume he will not eat it, he makes a fuss. He behaves like a baby and expects me to cajole him all the time. To compound matters, I believe he is now seeing someone else. Can you imagine?”

Oremi applies her soothing strategy to calm Oluta’s frayed nerves by playing some soothing music and discussing observations at the last party they attended together. That never fails to work on calming Oluta. After she observes her change in mood, she resumes the topic. Clearing her throat, she laughs “Baby girl, let me first apologise for keeping you at the door but I was getting dinner ready for Bodun and could not leave it at that point because it will not turn out the way he loves it. Oluta, you must learn to do what Obu loves and do it with love and feeling. If he wants you to cajole him into eating your food when he is angry, by all means, do so. I remember my father was like that when I was growing up and after a series of entreaties, my mother would enlist my help in cajoling him to eat. One day, I retorted…Mama, let him starve. He is not hungry that is why he is acting up. You have spoilt him!” I remember her asking me with a gentle smile, “is that what you will do to your husband”, and I replied with an unwavering, YES. Fast forward years later, I found myself doing the very same thing my mother used to do, whenever Bodun acted up, contrary to my response at the time. Somehow, her example spoke volumes and that is what I imbibed, and that is what makes for the peace and tranquility you see and appreciate today”. She continued, “So Oluta dear, it is not too late to correct your steps. Every human being, I take that back, every living thing, regardless of sex, likes to be pampered and loved. Pampering never fails to evoke recognition and appreciation. I know it will work for you as well so why not try a little pampering, you will be surprised at the fruits and benefits it brings you”.

Havilah advises that parents should be intentional about their relationships at home as this impacts the young impressionable minds placed by God under their care. May the Lord help us to do it right.

Love

Havilah

It’s Independence Month in Nigeria and I was rehashing all the hype about Nigeria’s independence. While contemplating its National Anthem, a line kept echoing in my mind, “…the labours of our heroes past shall never be in vain”. I stopped to reflect on it and then it struck me. How come it is only the male heroes that are remembered? Were there no women involved in the struggle for independence? I then decided to take a closer look at the struggle for independence in three countries of the West African sub-region and find out what I could about the “Winnie Mandela’s” of the region.

In Nigeria, we often hear about Anthony Enahoro, Ahmadu Bello, Obafemi Awolowo, and Nnamdi Azikiwe and various national monuments exist in their memory. What happened to the likes of:

Funmilayo Ransome Kuti aka “The Lioness of Lisabi”. A teacher by profession, Funmilayo Ransome Kuti was a foremost political campaigner and women’s rights activist by conviction. She successfully campaigned against arbitrary taxes levied on Egba women that were remitted to the UK government through the then Alake of Egba land and continued to champion women’s rights in the years leading to Nigeria’s independence. She was one of the first Nigerian women to form a political party and one of the delegates who negotiated Nigeria’s independence from Britain.

Hajia Gambo Sawaba was born to a Ghanaian father and a Nupe mother. Orphaned early in life she was contracted in marriage at the tender age of 13 which propelled the thrust of her early agitations. By the age of 17, she was politically active, and under the mentorship of Funmilayo Ransome Kuti, she acted as an arrowhead for women’s rights and that of the girl child in Northern Nigeria. She was a member of NEPU (Northern Elements Progressive Union) which served as a vehicle to achieve her goals.

Margaret Ekpo was born in the Southeastern part of the country and her journey into politics was fortuitous. She represented her husband at political meetings since by virtue of his employment as a civil servant, he was stopped from doing. While attending the meetings, she developed an interest in politics and formed the Aba Township Women’s Association. She was later nominated by the NCNC (National Council of Nigeria and the Cameroons) party into the Regional House of Chiefs. She worked alongside Funmilayo Ransome Kuti and was later elected into the Eastern Region Parliament and served from 1961 to 1965.

In Ghana, the big 6, namely Kwame Nkrumah, William Ofori-Attah, J.B. Danquah, Ako Adjei, Obesetbi -Lamptey, and Edward Akufo Addo, also gained full recognition. However, they were ably supported and financed by some women who have remained in the shadows. These are the likes of:

Rebecca Naa Dedei Aryeetey aka “Dedei Ashikishan”, a renowned dealer in flour and leader of the Market Mother Association. She made immense financial contributions to the cause.

Agnes Oforiwa Tago-Quarcoopome, also a trader, used her connections to raise funds for the CPP (Convention People’s Party – Kwame Nkrumah’s party).

Mabel Dove Danquah, a journalist used her pen to galvanise the fight for independence through her column in the Times of West Africa newspaper. In 1954, she was the first female member of the Ghanaian Legislative Assembly.

Susanna Al-Hassan was the first female member of parliament. An author and politician, her fearless activism during the colonial era was instrumental to her elevation in politics.

In Sierra Leone, while the likes of the Margais (Milton and Albert), Siaka-Stevens, Isaac Wallace- Johnson, Lamina Sankoh, John Karefa-Smart, and E.H Taylor Cummings, are applauded, the contributions of Ella Koblo Gulama and Constance Cummings–John remain unsung.

Ella Koblo Gulama aka “Madam Ella” was a paramount Chief of Kaiyambo chiefdom in the Moyamba district. She ventured into politics and was elected the first female member of the House of Representatives and was later appointed the first woman cabinet minister.

Constance Cummings-John on her part was leader and founder of the Sierra Leone Women’s Movement and was later appointed Mayor of Freetown.

Some other notables are Bibi Titi Mohammed in Tanzania and Field Marshall Muthoni Kirima in Kenya.

It is noteworthy that the phenomenon of non-recognition of the efforts of women towards independence transcends the continent of Africa. However, it is time for us to unearth these gems who laboured for our nations and give them the due recognition they deserve.

Love

Havilah

Recently, Elon Musk who is no stranger to controversy, has been touted on the social media waves again and this time it is posts of him in amorous embraces kissing “Robot wives”. The claim is that he is rounding up the production of emotionally intelligent female robots that could easily fit into the functions of a wife, giving men the companionship, communication, and emotional and physical satisfaction they would derive from a girlfriend or wife. Much as we know that this propaganda is AI (Artificial Intelligence) generated, it has stimulated my thoughts on the future of AI especially as relates to women and our roles.

It is expected that robots will play a more significant role in the workforce of the future. This of course portends the loss of certain cadres of jobs and with AI, the jobs that will be readily affected are jobs that tend to be repetitive in nature where statistical data can be programmed e.g., customer service, nursing, and teaching dynamics. These job roles will have to evolve. This could affect women who will be required to proactively anticipate changes and prepare for them. There will be a need for greater participation in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics) education as well as being involved in the digital space.

How about women and marriage did I hear you ask? Well, my research pulled up the first “Robot marriage” as one held in 1917 in China between Zheng Jiajia and the robot he created and named Jingjing. Zheng’s purported marriage arose from frustrations at his inability to find a wife. While the robot he created could neither walk nor communicate fluently, it was a start. With advancements in AI, we have voice assistants that communicate clearly like Siri (the Apple platform) and Alexa (Amazon), and much more intelligent humanoid robots like Sophia and Grace who mimic human expressions and social behaviour. It is believed that what may today be viewed as SCI -FI i.e., an AI Robot wife with real skin/human shape/female mimicking love emotions and catering to the physical, emotional, and relationship needs of men, will in no distant future be our reality. It seems even more feasible because such a creation would eliminate some of the existing challenges that relationships and marriages face such as difficult or unpleasant relationships, the menace of sexually transmitted diseases, emotional and psychological attachments, trauma from abuse or cheating, cost of maintaining a wife/girlfriend (dates, gifts, etc.) and the AI robot wife would be adept at good housekeeping, cooking meals, doing laundry, shopping carrying out conversations and communication, etc. That all sounds bleak, but I know that the only constant thing is change. It therefore behooves women to be a step ahead in fashioning out other creative roles, the same way the workforce must figure out its existence side by side with these humanoids.

Just imagine what AI in the hands of persons with mischievous intentions can do to a relationship using the Elon Musk example. May the Lord help us.

Undoubtedly, one function that will not be ceded to them is procreation and until science and technology can figure that out (if they ever do) motherhood remains the prerogative of the woman.  One thing stands out clearly, we must remain relevant to our evolving world and to do so, we must remain creative and proactive.  Is there the possibility of some form of polygamy involving the humanoid or the employment of the humanoid as an” assistant wife of sorts” in the home?

My parting thoughts are… Of a certainty, the advent of AI, which is our reality, deserves food for thought!

Love

Havilah