Melissa, my friend who teaches French at a secondary school in the metropolis called me and while sharing experiences, she mentioned that she was recently berated by a parent for assigning the task of sweeping the classroom to his daughter in conjunction with others. I asked If there was any cogent reason for his reaction such as that she is asthmatic or some other health condition and she said his only reason was that “she doesn’t even sweep at home and that she is not in school to sweep but to learn”. Two days later, I am out shopping with three middle-aged friends, and I was discussing the need for children to be taught and supervised on household chores.

Oyinda kicks off the discourse with “My take is that children must be taught very early the essence of cleanliness, and this transcends personal hygiene. The need for a clean environment and its attendant health and emotional/psychological benefits cannot be ignored. When they leave the “nest” to start lives on their own, who will keep the house for them? I recall I had a tough time getting Eunice to clean the house as a teenager. She would grudgingly take a brush and sweep all the dirt under the carpet, under the furniture or into hard-to-reach corners and pretend she was done. It was up to me to inspect and ensure she did it right. Guess what? When she got married, one of the selling points to her husband was her housekeeping capabilities”.

Meme was quick to point out the availability of more efficient cleaning and housekeeping appliances as well as methods. “With dishwashers, washing machines, hoovers and the like in place, keeping housekeeping has become a much easier task and cleaning can also be outsourced. One can also hire persons as housekeepers or assistants to help with the household chores. For our soaring migrant population, however, they have little or no access to housekeepers or assistants, but the modern appliances help them reduce the stress and time spent on cleaning. They must however first and foremost see the need to keep their environment clean which will propel them to acquire the relevant appliances.”

Efe agreed with the two previous speakers and went on to recount how her experience in boarding school had assisted her in assessing the quality of service recently provided by a professional cleaning company she had hired. Efe hailed from a royal family and as a result of her affluent background, had grown up with a retinue of servants, stewards and maids who took care of her environment. However, when she gained admission to one of the foremost girls-only secondary schools in the country, she was assigned cleaning tasks along with her peers. These included cleaning the bathrooms and toilets. Sweeping, mopping, dusting and tidying dormitories and classes. The levels of inspection and supervision taught her there was no hiding place for dirt as the tops of doors, wardrobes, ceiling fans and windows were carefully inspected for dust. There she learnt to recognise the difference in finishing between a swept floor and a carefully mopped one. Furniture was shifted to ensure that the floor beneath had been cleaned. Recently, she employed the services of professional cleaners and was appalled by the level of sloppiness displayed. She put her experience to work during the inspection process and uncovered the lack of diligence displayed in carrying out their assignment which on a cursory glance, appeared to have been effectively executed. If she did not know better, she would have paid for substandard work.

It is my opinion that everyone needs to place emphasis on cleanliness. Even a number of religions propagate ablution which is personal cleanliness. A clean environment, devoid of clutter not only enhances health but also stimulates the mind, uplifts one’s mood and increases productivity. The benefits of a clean environment are numerous, and one cannot but agree with the adage “cleanliness is next to godliness”. It follows that cleanliness is an acquired taste and skill. It is taught and learnt and profits a person. It starts at home and whether it is handled personally or contracted out, one must have expected outcomes and expectations and must be prepared to check or appraise them. This training, though traditionally taught and learnt by the female sex, has become increasingly learnt and practised by both sexes. As parents, we have a duty to teach our children the importance of cleanliness and how to maintain it by themselves. One cannot give what one does not have and if over-reliance is placed on external help with household chores, what happens when or where such help is unavailable? How does one cope?

Love

Havilah

Fathers’ Day has just rolled by, and it got me reminiscing about my father of blessed memory and the times we shared. In one word, he could be described as supportive, and the papa/girl dynamics were super. He was very present in my upbringing and supportive of my mother and the family. He honed my skills largely through play and other interactions and I cannot forget the songs, poetry, and games he taught in our native language. He honed my language skills through playing Scrabble and through the WHOT card game he taught me how to be a gracious loser. He would sometimes allow me to win a game to teach two things –

1. In life, you win some and lose some.

2. The more attempts you make at something, the better you become and the more confident you grow.

The bonding continued into Secondary school when as a boarder in a school in Lagos, the family had relocated to Port Harcourt. Dad kept the communication flow by writing letters and mine to him were always dutifully corrected for spelling errors, tenses, punctuation marks and the like. This enabled me to excel in my proficiency in the English language. He was a firm believer in logical reasoning and speaking the truth regardless of its outcome. I recall two incidents that occurred in my teenage years, one of which I will share here.

During the holidays, one fine day, I was visited by three teenage boys who were also in a school in Lagos at the time. They had summoned the courage to stop by my house but were uncomfortable in coming in, seeing that my father was known to be a strict disciplinarian. He never spared the rod. We stood together at the front entrance to the house and though in conversation, the boys were conscious of their surroundings and prepared to scamper at the sound of any approaching car in the driveway. They were however visible to anyone who cared to look and my uncle Wilson who at the time resided in our BQ, with his family, took note of the situation. Rather than discuss it with me, he preferred to report the seeming infraction, to my father when he got home from work. The following exchange then ensued.

Dad – “…did anyone visit the house today in my absence?”

Havilah – “Yes Dad, three boys visited me in each other’s company.” I went on to reel off their names as I was aware he knew their fathers.

Dad – “Why should they visit you? Uncle Wilson informed me of their visit and that they stood at the door for a long time. How did you get to know them, After all, you attend a girls-only school and not a mixed school?’

I boldly responded – “Yes Dad, I attend a girls-only school but we have avenues and opportunities to interact with boys at sports meets, debating society and science club engagements and the like so of course I know some boys. Besides, is it not better for them to visit me in my house than for me to visit them or meet them on street corners?”

This was followed by a long-drawn silence, I do not think he saw it coming, then he called for his lunch and changed the topic of discourse.

Years later as I enjoyed the trust and confidence reposed in me, my father confided that the reported incident had made a strong impression on him. Firstly, it had shown him that I could be trusted to speak the truth regardless of the consequences that could emanate therefrom and that I displayed an analytical mind, given the perspective from which I had reviewed the situation. This trust and confidence, I enjoyed throughout his lifetime.

I, therefore, enjoin all fathers to spend time understanding their children and such can only be gained through spending quality time with them, bonding. This helps to shape them in achieving their divine destiny. For those who for some reason or the other missed the bonding period in their youth, it is never too late to reach out a hand of fellowship and try to understand them as adults. It is all about BONDING!

Love

Havilah

I was thinking of my mental health recently and a need to indulge in a vacation when it dawned on me that we have just gone past the Mental Health Awareness month of May. These days, we hear the words “Mental Health” bandied about, which is not surprising given the challenges and stresses of our times. Many people are suffering from mental health challenges, albeit unknown to them. Addictions, Anxieties, Bipolarism, Depression, Schizophrenia and a host of other conditions are all attributable to a person’s mental health. With an upsurge in the incidences of emotional and physical abuse, coupled with the harsh economic climate, it comes as no surprise that the conditions above mentioned, are on the increase.

Ife, a mother of two was found soliciting alms outside one of the mega-churches one Sunday afternoon alongside her two children. One of the church members to approach her was Dr. Meg, who felt attracted to this soft-spoken, articulate young woman. Dr. Meg, in addition to gifting her a healthy sum, invited her to her consulting room at The City Sanatorium – a behavioral Health facility – where she practises as a Clinical psychologist. She shares Ife’s story:

Ife had been married to her childhood friend, Fred and together they had raised two children. Fred was an engineer with a manufacturing company while Ife was a marketing executive with an insurance company. Problems started four years into the marriage as Fred became an alcoholic exhibiting an altered personality which resulted in severe emotional and physical abuse to Ife. All attempts to identify the root cause of the change proved abortive and Fred lived in self-denial of his state. Nevertheless, Ife continued in the relationship, as she put it, “because of the children.” Fred started slipping in his fatherly role and responsibilities, but Ife kept up appearances, rising to the occasion by providing needed finances. However, one day, about a year prior to meeting Dr. Meg, Ife came home from work to an empty home. Fred had packed all his personal belongings and left home. She tried calling his phone, but it was switched off. The next day, she inquired at his office and was shocked to find out that he had resigned three months earlier. She was left with no option than to take up her cross and fend for the family as a single parent, but the strain and trauma of the years had taken its toll. She suffered from bouts of depression which affected her productivity at work. She was eventually fired, and the children had to be relocated to a public school. This further depressed her, and it was during this low, she decided to pursue street begging for a livelihood.

Dr. Meg was intrigued by her story and after a clinical diagnosis of depression, she slated her for counseling sessions and medical treatment at the Sanitarium. She went on to rehabilitate Ife and assisted her get an administrative placement with the church. Dr. Meg also assisted the children secure admission in the school run by the church where Ife was entitled to discounted fees. These all resulted in Ife being active in church and spiritual activities thus picking up the pieces of her life and a more stable mental health. She is still healing from the bruises but is better able to live a happy fulfilled life.

There is no gainsaying the fact that mental health is something to be guarded jealously. The World Health Organisation (WHO) defines mental health as “A state of mental well-being that enables people to cope with the stresses of life, realise their abilities, learn well and work well and contribute to their communities.” It is therefore clear that stressors and pressure agitate mental health while self-care stimulates mental health.

A person is expected to develop a self-care routine for proper balance on an ongoing basis. To help with this, some organised businesses insist on a work-life balance that enables employees time for family, socials, exercise, etc. Some even have gyms, enroll staff in clubs with recreational facilities, frown at working beyond specified hours, have creches for babies, etc. Even where these are unavailable, the individual owes it to herself to indulge in a self-care routine which ideally should encompass all or a substantial number of the following areas for optimum balance – Emotional e.g. journaling, listening to music or messages; Mental e.g. dissipating stress through meditation, walking, socialising, etc.; Physical e.g. eat healthy, exercise, etc.; Spiritual e.g. embrace religion and live by the tenets of your faith; Recreational e.g. reading, swimming, playing games, etc.; and environmental e.g. maintaining a decluttered and safe living environment, etc.

It is also important to practise self-love as a part of your self-care routine and this simply means pampering yourself by doing something for yourself that makes you feel happy and fulfilled e.g., a spa treatment, an outing, a vacation, etc.

Do take out time to practise self-care to aid your mental health in these challenging times. EVERYONE needs this to remain sane.

GLOSSARY

1. DEPRESSION – A mental condition characterised by severe despondency and dejection with feelings of inadequacy and guilt often accompanied by lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep.
2. BIPOLAR DISORDER – A mental condition characterised by severe mood swings and energy levels resulting in emotional highs and lows.
3. SCHIZOPHRENIA – A mental condition involving a breakdown in the relationship between thought emotion and behaviour, leading to faulty perception, withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy, delusions, and mental fragmentation.
4. SELF-CARE – The practice of actively protecting one’s personal well-being and happiness, particularly during periods of stress.

Love

Havilah

Sumi is the newest kid on the block having recently migrated to the United States of America. At fifteen, he prides himself on his soccer skills and as is usual for his age bracket, he loves to show off. While relaying his recent shot which resulted in a goal, he points at his teammate Ted and jibes, “he goofed. He undermined the power in my shot.” Ted responded angrily saying” Watch your words foul mouth. I am they or them, not he.” Sumi continued:” You don’t even know your pronouns. I knew before I was even six that males are he and females she. They and them are used for plurals (multiplicity of people).” Sumi had just uttered the “straw that broke the camel’s back” and Ted lunged out at Sumi commencing the onset of a brawl that ended up at the principal’s office. Upon investigation, what had angered Ted was the reference to him as “he.” Sumi was asked to apologise and got off with a stern warning only because he had just relocated from an environment that was alien to LGBTQ+. He is only conversant with the binary genders – male and female.

When he returns to class his friend – Clive- pulls him aside and gives him a brief rundown of gender identity versus biological sex and how it results in gender dysphoria.

“So, this is how it plays out,” Clive started. “We all know that the primary genders relate to certain physical attributes that define one as a male or female (the binary genders). However, certain persons have a different gender identity from their biological/birth identity. So, a person who exhibits the genitals and hormones that are male may adopt the gender identity of a female and prefers to be referred to as she and to dress up and live as she or may even fluctuate between being addressed as he and she, depending on how they feel at any particular time. In recent times, there are different non-binary genders consisting of different configurations and it is an ever-growing list. Non-binary persons tend to use the term they or them because they feel the conventional pronouns of, he/she do not suit their gender identity which is different from their birth identity. You need to try to understand the various gender identities, sexual orientations, and modes of address so as not to rile them up the wrong way. If you are unsure of the gender identity, it is safer to use the person’s name when referring to them. The key other identities outside of the binary identities are:

Lesbian – A woman who only partners or is attracted to other women. Their Sexual orientation is different.

Gay – Men who are attracted to men only.

Bisexual – Persons attracted to both men and women.

Transgender (Trans) – One who identifies as a gender different from his birth-assigned (biological) gender. They may or may not seek to change it through medical interventions.

Queer/Questioning – Yet to decide their gender.

Intersex (hermaphrodites) – born with both male and female reproductive organs.”

When Sumi got home, he related his day’s experience to his mum who in turn shared it with her friend and compatriot Bibi -who had since become an American citizen. Bibi then cautioned that this is part of the culture shock most immigrants face, but it is important to keep your values deeply entrenched in your children while recognising the existence of different gender identities. This can be done by constantly counseling, praying for, and with them as well as teaching them the word from the holy book.

For Christians, The Bible states that God created them, Male and Female. Also, Noah was instructed to take two of all creatures (male and female) into the Ark, for preservation. It is however important to monitor the young ones as well as the type of programs they are exposed to in order to bring them up according to your family/religion/home country’s value system. Let us seize the best of both worlds for our children.

A word of caution from Havilah – Parents must be conscious of the possible consequences of sending their children abroad with inadequate supervision. These consequences may include them imbibing strange identities, cultures, ideologies and behavioural patterns. Importantly though, parents have a duty to always pray regarding them.

Love

Havilah