Quite often when the term “tough love” is used, one tends to associate it with disciplining youth and adolescents. The ability to leave them to suffer the consequences of their action enables them to learn from experience. However, I recently attended a symposium on TOUGH LOVE IN RELATIONSHIPS. Incidentally, I arrived about an hour early, so I had the opportunity to engage three other ladies who were also early birds.

Mazino, a comely soft-spoken lady in her early fifties, spilled her story. She had married her husband at a time when she had a comfortable business while the husband was straight out of school and earned an income that barely took him home. Because of her kind and considerate nature, she agreed to take on most of the expenses at home with the hope that when his finances improved, he would take on the mantle of responsibility. Subsequently, entreaties/threats to take on some of the financial burden, especially after the birth of their children, were ignored. His money was his own while hers was for their collective upkeep and advancement. With extra money in his hands at his disposal, he soon resorted to a careless lifestyle that cost him his job. That was the beginning of his downward plunge into depression and substance abuse resulting in higher levels of irresponsibility and deeper cycles of depression. Mazino was at her wit’s end having accepted her lot to be the provider for the family, but she felt a need to help him redeem his self-esteem and she loved him too much to watch the spiraling decline. One day, while pouring out her heart to Ejiro who was calmy seated beside her, she had suggested that she should have applied tough love. In her view, she had been too understanding thereby enabling his behaviour. In her opinion, a tougher stance in addition to the prayers she had continually rendered, may have produced results. As she rounded up, Ejiro continued:

“In my case, I made it clear from day one that certain boundaries must be observed. Regardless of how it was funded, (beg, borrow, or steal) my husband had to be responsible for our accommodation, children’s school fees, and part funding of upkeep. I helped with other things as needed but never took on his agreed responsibilities. It has worked for us, and I feel that is a form of tough love. I fashioned him to be responsible. I believe Mazino treated her husband like a spoilt child which encouraged his lethargy. Anyway, that is why I dragged her to this symposium to expose her to the experiences of some other women and help her fashion out how her situation can be remedied”.

A few minutes later, the symposium started, and the discussions were very instructive on the topic as life experiences were shared in expounding the topic. Tough love was described as a subtle and dynamic approach to relationships, challenging conventional notions. You must be prepared to make tough decisions, set boundaries, and give honest feedback to address underlying issues. While it seems to contradict our perception of tenderness associated with love, it focuses on the long-term goal of growth and strength. It creates a balance between being caring and compassionate yet firm and assertive. For instance, in dealing with substance abuse, one must take a firm stance, set boundaries, and refuse to enable or tolerate the destructive behavior any longer. (A sideward glance at Mazino showed she was lapping up every word). One may refuse to be around when the abuse happens or seek support or help. It was however stressed that Tough Love should not be targeted at neglecting or hurting the partner by belittling them or displaying rudeness.

Tough Love comprises the following:

1. Setting boundaries highlighting expectations and limits that must be shared with the partner.
2. Being honest and open about concerns, expectations, and issues to be addressed.
3. Focusing on the unacceptable behavior, not attacking character.
4. Being firm yet compassionate and caring.
5. Allowing the partner to face the consequences of their action.
6. Encouraging personal responsibility and hold them accountable for their actions and decisions. No excuses.
7. Allowing them to fashion out their own solutions and learn from experience. Offer them support…not solutions.
8. Being consistent, sticking to your boundaries and expectations so as not to present a confused signal.
9. Seeking external help from counselors or therapists where necessary!
10. Importantly, indulging yourself in self-care and ensure your well-being.

Needless to say, Mazino left the symposium relieved after fixing an appointment to consult with one of the therapists who facilitated.

Love

Havilah