Lena, a quiet, shy 19-year-old gained admission into the university a couple of years ago. Lena is the only child from a union between her late mother and her father – Chief Lukas. The Chief, an influential and extremely wealthy businessman had vouched not to remarry after Lena’s mother passed and spared no expense at giving her the best.

Shortly after her admission to the university, Lena was invited to a party off-campus by some of her coursemates where she met a tall, extremely good-looking, and witty young man in the person of David. Lena was swayed by the attention she received from this suave young man, and he introduced her to a substance which he termed “angel dust”. Little did Lena realise that angel dust was another name for a hallucinogenic hard drug known as phencyclidine hydrochloride. The effect on her was euphoric. It made her feel less inhibited and bold which she liked. After that, her friendship with David blossomed and he was always willing to provide her with her “angel dust”. During the course of this friendship, Lena learnt from David that her father – Chief Lukas, was a drug baron and one of the major smugglers and distributors of mind-altering substances in that city. He then solicited her assistance in obtaining the purest form of different drugs which he both distributed and used. The range spanned Colorado, Angel Dust, Canadian Loud and Arizona. At first, Lena was shocked to discover her father’s involvement in drugs, but she quickly saw the opportunity for easy access as well as ensuring David’s interest in her. She quickly struck a deal with her father’s Personal Assistant for supplies while extracting his promise not to divulge the information to her father.

Fast forward, two years later, one day, while rummaging through her father’s room searching for a stash of drugs, she came across a file that detailed his financial worth in terms of investments. As the sole heiress to the Lukas fortunes the figures were mind-boggling and Lena started imagining the lifestyle she could live with that kind of fortune. Firstly, she would drop out of school which she now considered a bore and worse still, she had been struggling with school as her grades were fast deteriorating. She discussed it with David, and they hatched a plot to murder Chief Lukas so that she could immediately inherit the fortune and get married to David who was now in his final year. On the appointed day, the plot failed as they had not reckoned with Chief Lukas wearing a bulletproof vest under his pyjamas. At about 2 a.m. that fateful day, David stormed the home of Chief Lukas with two of his cohorts and after gaining entry courtesy of Lena, he took two shots at Chief Lukas who was asleep on his bed. The Chief who woke up amid the attempt, pretended to have been hit and awaited the exit of the marauders before inviting the police.

After protracted investigations by the police, it was revealed that the culprits were his only child – Lena and her lover, David. When questioned as to her motive, Lena broke down in tears, muttering…” We planned it so that I do not have to wait till he passes to inherit my fortune, and this was done between bouts of angel dust and Arizona. We were both high!” she giggled. Even under interrogation, she requested some angel dust and Colorado as she was unable to function without the drugs. She had become addicted.

It was now the turn of Chief Lukas to collapse in tears, as he realised the impact of his trade. Shaking his head miserably he repeated to himself “Indeed what goes around comes around and there is some truth that when you do evil, nemesis eventually catches up with you”. He now saw clearly how “his thriving business” had severely impacted negatively and truncated lives. As he was being led to the police station, he replayed his entire life in his mind and regretted so many things. His dear wife (Lena’s mother) had died while transporting drugs for him in the early years and the guilt had led to him dedicating his entire life to giving Lena everything she desired.  He promised to repent and seek forgiveness from God while giving up the trade. He would also donate generously to rehabilitation centres, including the one he would have to send Lena to. He whispered gently…” Please forgive me God and help me.”

Havilah believes that the rate of drug abuse, which is a worldwide phenomenon, is rather disturbing and portends a worrisome situation for future generations. The liberalisation and legalisation of drugs by various governments require in-depth consideration of the pros and cons as the impact of drug abuse on society in general cannot be ignored. We are tending towards an increasingly erratic workforce with severe mental issues. I believe Drug barons and pushers should receive maximum non-fine penalties for their crimes against humanity and that their investments and monies be confiscated and donated to rehabilitation centres.

Also, parents need to spend quality time with their children. it is only then that they can catch or notice changes in their character.

Love

Havilah

I went on my usual inspirational walk a couple of days back and the idea of this topic kept reverberating in my brain, so here we are.

I recently received a post on social media, delivered to me through several platforms and persons which I will share here. My initial reaction was to ignore it but my mind wouldn’t let go. It is the story of an ex-military Nigerian male who committed suicide after killing his wife in the USA. The story, as told, is that the man was thriving in Nigeria but decided to send his family (wife and four children) to the U.S.A. in pursuit of a better life. He set up the wife in a Hairdressing business in the USA while he visited them intermittently. He eventually decided to relocate and join his family but unfortunately, things were not rosy for him there and the wife was much more affluent, she had become the breadwinner of the family. She started maltreating him and eventually moved to another house with the children. She then informed him that she had sold the house in which they previously lived, and he had a short time to look for an apartment to rent otherwise he would be evicted by the new owner. Worse still, he discovered she had a new lover. It was too much for him, he shot her and then himself. Very unfortunate and truly sad. The Bard (storyteller) continues with his conclusion that women are innately evil. They cannot be taken for who they present themselves to be. I however wonder whether the initiator of the post classifies his mother and close female relations in this same box.

Anyway, I put on my analytical spotlight on this expose and gleaning from my exposure to various circumstances at home and abroad, certain questions and possible scenarios come to mind. Unfortunately, the principal parties in the story are both late and there is no one to obtain the truth from. The questions that befuddle my mind are set out below:

1. How easy is it for a woman with four children to struggle alone with the children and survive in a start-up Hairdressing business in the USA? For one, with the exchange rate of the dollar to naira, it would have been difficult for the man to take care of all the family’s expenses in the USA on a naira income. Also, depending on the age of the children, she may have needed a caregiver to take charge while she worked to make up for the shortfall. She probably had to struggle quite a bit to make things work out prior to the business picking up.
2. During those tough days, what level of support did her husband give? Was there physical and/or emotional abuse experienced?
3. What kind of lifestyle was the husband living in Nigeria prior to joining the family? We know that most African men find it difficult to keep their pants zipped. Were there issues of infidelity? If yes, how was it handled?
4. It may have been frustrating for him to find himself in a position where his wife was more affluent. How did this affect his disposition toward her, and did she understand his frustrations and try to placate him, or did she flaunt her financial muscle?
5. Did she observe increasing hostility and violence thus instigating the decision to move away from him?
6. Did he consider the effect of leaving his children orphaned and how it would impact them? Obviously, this was a crime of passion, and it is always important to take a breather before acting on matters of the heart.

Honestly, I don’t have answers to the questions raised but I would always advise that families weather their storms together, especially young families. A situation where they separate for long periods, ostensibly to better their situation is usually counterproductive as there is a tendency to grow apart over the years. There is no way you can appreciate what each party is experiencing without being there and the separation usually results in schisms that are difficult to resolve.

I would like to conclude by saying that while there are persons who can seem inherently wicked, this is not restricted to a particular sex or race, most often, things are not always what they seem, and one should leave room for the benefit of the doubt before drawing conclusions. Social media is rife with malinformation, and it takes a discerning mind to surf it.

Love

Havilah

I was opportune to be in a gathering of young upwardly mobile professional ladies when I had an uproar from a far corner of the room. Some ladies had just chorused “Let the single breathe o” amid gales of laughter. The target of the banter was a lady named Busayo who recently engaged, was flaunting her dazzling ring to the admiration of her friends. I approached the group and congratulated the excited Busayo, then beckoned on the three most vocal members of the group for a discussion.

“Hi ladies” I started hesitantly. “It appears you ladies were obviously enjoying the banter, but please pardon my curiosity, are you beautiful young ladies single and if yes, would you mind sharing your reasons?”

Ogechi – tall, slim, and elegantly poised, was the first to respond. She could easily have won a beauty contest. “Aunty, for me, I am tired of the young men I come across. I am 36 going on 37 and over the years I have reached the conclusion that most lack the confidence and composure to connect with me. They do not measure up to standard particularly as relates to my core values of honesty and integrity which I consider to be of extreme importance in a relationship. They appear intimidated by my credentials and successful career. After 2 or 3 dates, they chicken out and worse still they lack the confidence to face me and tell me outright that they are no longer interested. This irritates me as I make it a duty to inform them from the outset that I am not dating for fun but rather, have my focus on marriage. Unfortunately, I am not ready to reduce my standards.”

Aduke cuts in “My personal belief is that marriage works out for only a few. There are too many failed marriages around me for me to desire marriage, my parents not being an exception. Many are experiencing toxic relationships and are constantly at each other’s throats. The atmosphere around them is so charged that you could get bruises by being around them. Then, there are several of our peers who rushed into marriage with euphoria and enthusiasm but have since exited. Marriage appears overrated and doesn’t appear to be what it was cut out to be in the first instance. As for me, my heart is fragile, it has been once broken, having gathered the fragments, I cannot afford another heartbreak. It will shatter me. I am guarding my heart jealously.” She laughs.

During the tirade, Murna remained pensively quiet but felt it was now time to break the silence. In a quiet but deliberate manner, she explained. “For some inexplicable reason, I have never been approached in that regard. Don’t get me wrong, I have male friends but purely on a platonic level. But then, our society considers it out of place for a woman to initiate the move. I have liked a couple of my friends enough to progress the relationship but do not understand how to migrate the friend zone and move to the next level.”

Having listened attentively to their experiences and concerns I tried to enlighten them on the institution of marriage as a desirable and enjoyable thing without downplaying the challenges. The pros certainly outweigh the cons and staying in a marriage builds maturity and a better understanding of human weaknesses. I believe it is every woman’s innate desire to settle in marriage and build a family but there are several mitigating factors including mistrust, misconceptions, the fear of hurt, negative experiences, etc. I believe parents, religious bodies, and marriage counselors have a responsibility to project the right image of marriage – how it is intended. As parents, we should realise that our own marriages are the first lens through which our children and their peers view marriage. Our marriage forms the base template so we must be mindful about what we project through our relationships. The religious bodies and counselors also have a responsibility to educate and enlighten singles regarding the expectations, challenges and navigation methods required for a successful marriage, highlighting the benefits. This should be arranged periodically for teenagers and young adults.

Last but not least, I am of the opinion that like in Murna’s situation, ladies should be encouraged to subtly drop a hint or engage a mutual friend to introduce the subject to a man to which she is attracted. He may be feeling inadequate, afraid of a “No” or just not communicating his intentions properly.

We all have a responsibility to the next generation to keep the institution of marriage alive. It is a good thing as ordained by God.

Love

Havilah

Did I hear the cliché, children are a gift from God? This implies that children are God given gifts whether solicited or not. When we consider that even earthly fathers will not give their children hurtful gifts, we better understand that God given gifts must edify him. If we also consider the fact that gifts are expected to be desirable items worth cherishing, it follows that every child is expected to be a desirable gift worth cherishing. This is the reason why births are celebrated from baby showers to child dedications and birthdays etc. However, let us take time to ponder, is every child a good gift? Hmmm…

Take the case of twin sisters – Toru and Tete. Both after marriage, gave birth to their fist fruits Benebo and Okafor, within a month of each other. The two cousins were inseparable attending the same playgroup, church, and family events until Tete moved to another city with her family. Benebo displayed qualities that endeared him to all that encountered him. He was the “perfect child” – well mannered, cultured, obedient and intelligent. He excelled in academics and represented his primary school at various fora. In fact, he could be described as a diamond – priceless and flawless. He readily gained admission to high school and finished in flying colours gaining admission to several Ivy league schools.

Okafor on the other hand, soon fell into bad company and under the influence of peer pressure, developed to be the opposite of his cousin. He never seemed to get things right, became ill mannered and ill tempered, insolent, rude and a truant. He resented school and all forms of discipline, and this quickly reflected on his grades. Tete (his mother) tried all the tricks in the book to raise him right and had even solicited the assistance of her twin, but all her efforts proved futile as Okafor remained unyielding and recalcitrant. Worse still, he latched on to a circle of friends who encouraged his bad behaviour. Worst among them was Muritala, his closest pal, who was a terrible influence. All attempts by Tete to break up their unholy alliance failed.

One day, Tete was invited to a program tagged “Handling children – The good, the bad and the ugly” and after the first segment, she quickly approached the convener and poured out her concerns regarding Okafor and his behaviour. She went on to explain that Okafor who had started school with his cousin, had because of his attitude and peer pressure, fallen behind Benebo by three classes. She wept bitterly as she told his story. She was referred to a counsellor who explained to her the following: “Madam, every child is a PRECIOUS GIFT FROM GOD. As you probably know, a gift is often unsolicited so its contents are often unknown to the recipient until the wrappings are dislodged and the contents exposed. The gift may have immediate appeal or may be something that requires to be deliberated and properly unearthed to appreciate its value. Some children, like cultured diamonds, glow and shine easily, reflecting the right values and mentoring imbibed by them. Others, however, require hewing, pruning, shaping, and polishing to enable them to exhibit their true value which is deeply embedded within. This takes effort in the place of prayers, patient mentoring, understanding and never giving up. In the end it pays as the true diamond hidden under the roughness which could have easily passed as common stone, is unearthed”.

Tete took in all she learned at the counselling sessions and put them to practice. She still benchmarked her son against Benebo, nevertheless she encouraged her son and showered him with Love and encomiums for perceived improvements, however minor. She prayed for him incessantly, guiding his path to success. All the hard work paid off when Okafor aced his High School leaving examinations with distinctions in all his subjects, receiving several awards and scholarships for his college education. In addition, Okafor had metamorphosed into “the ideal son” – God fearing, smart, and civil. He was now a well mannered, focused young man. As he steps into college, he reaches out to his old pal Muritala. Although his previous attempts to convert Muritala had been rebuffed, he refuses to give up and is hopeful of succeeding one day. He is however most appreciative of his mother who took the pains to unravel this rough stone in order to reveal the diamond within.

Love

Havilah