As Adura ruminated over her imminent retirement, in the next nine months, she mentally ticked off her preparedness from her bucket list. A thought stole across her mind and she smiled. So many years ago, as a young lady in the university, she had a boyfriend whose preoccupation was amassing girlfriends. After careful deliberation, to stem her heartache, she got him a card that read…” ON YOUR RETIREMENT – now you will have the time to do the things you always wanted to do”. The smile that played across her lips was reminiscent of the satisfaction she had felt at the mode of disengagement. The seemingly innocuous words had spoken volumes. With a deep sigh, she brought her thoughts back to the present. She continued – Health will be covered by her Medical Insurance, Finances by her basket of investments as well as her pension and engagements as an external Facilitator to training, and Spiritual by greater participation in church-related activities and volunteer activities within her live-in community. She however realised that there would be days she would probably be homebound and being the super active person she had always been, she wondered how to fill in those days.

The twins – Deinde and Bolarinwa had since left home and though she had two adorable grandchildren, they lived in a different city. She surmised “It is time to experience the honeymoon Henry and myself never had.” She had entered the marriage six months pregnant with the twins who were pre-term babies. This had put lots of pressure on the marriage at the onset and Henry had to work doubly hard to meet up with expenses while she took care of the children and the home. This she did until the children gained admission into secondary school at which time, she needed to enter the employment market. She had worked hard and experienced divine favour in all her dealings, so it was time to retire soon. She was also thankful to God for good health and all that the Lord had blessed her with. However, their schedules had not allowed for the necessary bonding between herself and Henry. They would both have more time to spend with each other at home after her retirement. How would it play out especially as she had often ignored some of his habits, which she had considered irritating because she was too busy to make a fuss over them?

Her thoughts flitted across to her parents, who still held hands, watched programs, conversed earnestly and went out together. Their neighbours always commented when they saw them take their walks together. They ate together and short of bathing together, did practically everything else together. How did they achieve this synergy, she wondered. She then decided that if they could achieve it, she very well could and would also. She loved the peace, tranquility, and companionship they shared so she determined to be intentional about building her relationship and bonding with Henry. They would need to build on mutual interests and downplay their differences.

Suddenly she was startled by a tap on her shoulder. She turned around sharply only to come face to face with her best friend Tife. “When and how did you come in?” she asked. Tife responded with a mischievous giggle and said “It is my ghost…I can penetrate walls. On a more serious note, Henry answered the door when I rang the bell and told me you were in your dressing room. I knocked but you were so absorbed in your thoughts I guess you didn’t hear the knock. What is eating you up?”

Adura decided to share her concerns regarding her post-retirement relationship with Henry. Tife, listened attentively and after some silence, replied. “My dear sister from another mother, marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured and there is no better time than post-retirement. Indeed, now is the time for both of you to do the things you always desired to do especially since you missed out on your honeymoon. Now you have the chance to enjoy a protracted latter-day honeymoon. Adura, remember the stories you told me over the years of your career regarding irritations from co-workers, subordinates and bosses. You were able to navigate, endure and overcome the irritants, dealing with Henry’s cannot be worse. My candid advice dear sis is that you start spending time synergising and working on areas of common interest – go to the movies, do things that make you laugh, fun things. Relive your days of courtship and find that spark again. Anxiety about transiting to a new phase of life is normal but rest assured, you have a template in your parents and once you hand things over to God, he perfects it. Now, wear your shoes and let’s go and splurge on your favourite ice cream flavour! I am craving some Butter Pecan.”

Havilah wishes to remind all working women that retirement is bound to happen sometime so while concentrating on your occupation, be mindful to cultivate your relationship with your spouse because when the chips are down, in him lies respite.

Love

Havilah

It is thirty years into the marriage of Telema and Tonworigho. The seemingly happy couple got married early and experienced the usual challenges in marriage that are common to young couples. Luckily, they had their two children early – Teks and Boma – who are now working in a different city from their parents. Through the years, Tonworigho played his role as a father by providing for his family financially. All attempts by Telema to make him see the reason for bonding with his family via other fatherly or husbandly roles failed. Tonworigho took his work seriously but also took his time out with the boys and clubbing as well as other “juvenile” activities, equally seriously. Telema was often left to relate with the children. It was she who knew their daily pains and gains, friends, challenges, and successes in school as well as other extra-curricular activities. Tonworigho’s view was that his role in the family was solely that of provision.

Over the years, Telema got used to Tonworigho being the absentee husband/father and as the children grew older and less dependent on her, she progressively increased the time spent on her career and rose to the position of Vice President of the Bank at which she worked. Tonworigho on the other hand, lost his job because of his philandering activities. Since then, he had not been able to hold things together financially with his export business. Consequently, the marriage has been characterised more recently by misplaced aggression and regrets regarding lost opportunities. Telema has however been the victim of his vented frustration with increased emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Gaslighting has become the order of the day as Tonworigho tries to turn the tables of guilt on his wife.

Now, at age 52, Telema is torn between seeking a divorce and continuing to live under conditions she considers emotionally unhealthy. After all, since Tonworigho locked her out of the matrimonial home and only took her back when the children intervened, she has slept in the guest room. She continues to go through the motions of being “The perfect wife” to the outside world but she knows she is living a lie. Communication is a rarity between them and although Tonworigho keeps telling her “I love you. I can’t live without you”, she questions his understanding of love.

Upon deep reflection of the relationship, she weighs her options. If she decides to stay in the marriage, she fears for her sanity and happiness. Life has become dreary, and she begins to envisage her retirement years. She desires a happy and active life with the liberty to associate in activities and with persons that enliven her. She no longer feels anything towards Tonworigho other than a sense of responsibility and to some extent, empathy at his wasted years. However, she recalls that in the earlier years, Tonworigho had provided the necessary financial anchor. Would it be fair to leave him to his fate now? She battles with the thought of what his actions and inactions were doing to her. He had often threatened to commit suicide if she left him and Telema did not want his death on her conscience. Their relationship has gravitated into one of codependency which scares the hell out of her. She just keeps giving into the relationship while Tonworigho’s taking is draining her. What should she do? How would the children react? What will the world say? Should she get separated or go the whole hog and get divorced? What would happen to her image as a role model to younger couples? Myriads of questions assail her thoughts on the matter.

On the other hand, she muses, how long could she keep up appearances? With the current situation, she needs companionship for her golden years. Should she stick with Tonworigho purely for companionship reasons or orchestrate her freedom? After all the saying goes “The devil you know is better than the angel you do not know”. But then, what quality of companionship should she expect…they had grown apart over the years and she needs to be deliberate for it to work. Such is the dilemma facing Telema.

GLOSSARY OF TERMS

PHILANDERING – Frequently indulging in casual sexual relationships with women.

CODEPENDENCY – Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship where a person (the giver) sacrifices their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other person (the taker).

GASLIGHTING – Extended psychological manipulation

Havilah: Can we help Telema out of her dilemma? Your ideas would be most appreciated. Please place it in the comments section of the blog and God bless you as you do.

Love

Havilah

The Quads (Satu, Abby, Prisca and Sumbo) as they were fondly called met at their favorite Bistro – The Duchess for their monthly rendez- vous to let down their hair as well as let off steam. “I am so angry!” seethed Abby, as she sipped her cold lemonade. The reason for her anger? Hassan, her husband, had just put an end to her plans to travel to Mauritius with her friends on a pre-planned vacation. The painful part she explains is that “I carried him along on the plans regarding the vacation right from the outset, but he waited until today to thwart it with his instruction that I go NOWHERE and if I dare disobey, I do not return to our home. Can you imagine after I have expended my hard-earned savings on the return ticket, hotel accommodation and event bookings for which I may not be fully refunded? I was so looking forward to this vacation with you girls, “she pouted. “He knows I have always wanted to explore Mauritius; traveling is not his thing but it is mine”.

Abby responds with “Men are such killjoys. My pain with Ropo is his insensitivity to my pressures. I work so hard and then I get home and it is all work, work, work while he puts his legs up watching the sports channel on TV all evening and all weekend. He never gives a helping hand. It can be so frustrating and overwhelming coping with everything including the children, alone. I felt so frustrated the other day that I actually referred to him as a selfish and unthinking piece of furniture who viewed me as a slave.”

“My God” Prisca cut in “Whoa…that was too caustic Abby! You really need to watch your mouth girl and control your temper. Possibly, a gentler approach could achieve the desired result of engendering his assistance.”

Sumbo, the most mature of the quads sighed and rounded up the conversation with a refreshing perspective on the topic. “Marriage (she said) is a game changer that involves the unification of two individuals from divergent backgrounds orientations and experiences, often sporting different personality traits. Both parties, to enable the marriage to work, make sacrifices and put effort into understanding one another and ask God for the grace to “master self and temper, how to make their conduct fair, when to speak and when be silent, when to do and when forbear.” She continued “To achieve utopia in marriage, help must be solicited from God regarding endowment of patience and wisdom. The key to receiving from God is developing a personal relationship with God which fuels communication with him. Mind you, no two marriages are the same and there is no blueprint for marriage, so you must each chart your individual courses. It certainly helps to recognise the good in your spouse, he cannot be all “bad news”. Appreciate him and count your blessings. That way, the bad becomes less obvious and with time becomes bearable. You are meant to complement each other.”

She continues “Since I started seeing marriage through the prism I described, I experience peace and exhibit the fruits of the spirit such as joy, love, patience, gentleness, self-control, and the like. You have always known me to be impulsive and quick to act while Segun (my better half) is the more cautious and deliberate one. I remember when I was approached by my current employer who was head hunting for an experienced hand in alternative energy policies, my immediate reaction was to express disinterest in the position especially as I felt comfortable with my then employers.     Thank God for Segun who advised that I request time to consider the slot and give it a shot. The rest, we all know is history as it turned out to be the best career move, I have made so far. Listening to his advice has been impactful in our lives although I had previously criticized him as being slow to act.”

She adds, “That said, Abby, you could do with exhibiting restraint in your outbursts and following Prisca’s advice. For you Satu, while Hassan’s actions are indeed painful, try to understand his reason for the decision taken by engaging him in discussion and if it cannot be understood, hand it over to the Lord in prayer.”

Love

Havilah                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

As Agbani headed towards her high-profile job at the headquarters of a multinational actively involved in the telecommunication space, she hurriedly scrolled through her e-mails and messages on her phone. Because of the intensity of her work and other schedules, she made it a duty to consciously put her phone to sleep at midnight and would only access the phone at 7 a.m. She needed to maintain her health and sanity. Scrolling down, she encountered the reminder from the Secretary of her High School Class Set Association, reminding her of the Class reunion scheduled for that weekend. As the President of the Association, she committed to be in attendance and hurriedly planned her activities for the rest of the week, to free her for the much-anticipated reunion. She had attended a girls’ school and recalled with nostalgia, their parting words forty years ago – a quote from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar – “If we do meet again, why we shall smile, if not then this parting was well made.”

Come Friday evening, Agbani cruises to the rendez – vous location and as she steps into the lobby, she is greeted by a myriad of female voices of differing pitches. Everyone was welcoming each other, and she melted into the ever-increasing crowd. Halima was the first to welcome her even as Bolu, Chinwe, Jacinta, Sandra, Efe, Ama and a host of others took turns embracing and welcoming her. She could not get over seeing Chinwe who flew in from her residence in the Bahamas and Ama who came in from Ghana. She had not seen either of them since they left school forty years prior, and it was fun catching up on what everyone was doing.

The onset of social media and digital calls had helped the classmates pretty much stay connected over the ages, however, nothing could prepare them for the awesome experience of coming together in physical contact, particularly after the pandemic. The pandemic had ushered in virtual conference solutions which the group also deployed to capture members in the diaspora. As the chattering continued and people shared experiences, it was interesting to note that a class of girls who had been exposed to similar conditions and challenges in school, had experienced a vast diversity of challenges as life happens differently to everyone thus leaving its mark on each person.

Agbani surveyed the room and observed that the ever-effervescent Murna remained the same…chirping throughout the events while Bolu sat quietly in her corner throwing in the occasional banter. Molly on her part could not resist the temptation to relive her days as the band leader and give a brilliant rendition of “Ladies Night” by Kool and the Gang. She surmised – Times and seasons may change, and experiences may differ, but a person’s character remains unchanged regardless of the challenges and experiences encountered.

Agbani had a deep admiration for her classmates as she listened to some of their stories which had left them largely undeterred. Was it Marcelle who had experienced widowhood very early in life or Tamara who had suffered severe health challenges but still managed to be her cheerful self? Aggie had a child shortly after school and had remained a single mother all her life. She was now a grandmother with a thriving business. Moriam had lost her only child in a freak accident but still plowed along and then, Bibi had passed on from Cancer while Gbonju had died in a car crash. Varying challenges but through it all, the bonds of sisterhood had seen them through. Sisterhood is indeed a blessing!

It was indeed a relaxing and exhilarating experience meeting in person again, particularly after a long time and after the experience of the COVID-19 pandemic. It was also a time to pull up fond memories of some of their classmates who had been called to glory in the intervening period. Indeed, Shakespeare was right in the quote “If we do meet again why we shall smile, if not then this parting was well made.” The Lord had made it possible to meet and smile again after a long time but some persons were not destined to meet again.

As Agbani drove back home on Sunday feeling fulfilled, she smiled as she made a mental note to extend the concept to her extended family, and organise a family reunion, particularly in these times when so many members are in diaspora.

Love

Havila