Dear readers, it is refreshing to be back after a well needed break. I must thank ID for keeping the blog running in all that time. I am sure you agree with me, he deserves an ovation , as I receive encouraging comments regarding the topics he handled. Once again ID, you are appreciated. Now to today’s topic.

Paula has been married to Tim for five years and is processing and analysing her feelings. She picks up her phone and in tears, she asks her closest pal – Bimpe – to stop by on her way to the shop. As Bimpe walks in through the kitchen door, Paula starts Bimpe, I am fed up with this marriage to Tim. It is like I barely know him, yet we courted for five years before we exchanged vows. The past five years have been a test of my patience starting a couple of months after the wedding. It started with Tim requesting that I quit my job to take care of Moni after birth. He later insisted that I be a stay-at-home mother, to take care of the children and home properly especially since Bodun came in quick succession after Moni. I readily agreed as I believed it was in the best interest of the home in general and the children in particular. After all, I could resume work when they have both started school. However, Tim now insists that I remain at home until they have both gained admission to the university. Can you imagine that? Why did I spend so many years acquiring an education if I did not use the certificate? As if that is not bad enough, he gets upset when I attend church programs outside of the Sunday services. He says I spend more time in church than with him at home. He also refuses to hire any home assistance and believes they would make me idle and redundant.

Finances are also a sore area. Any requests from me are turned down with stern “I am breaking my back to pay ALL the bills here! There is no room for frivolous expenditure. Even a simple suggestion for a dinner date is met with a cynical response… learn the recipes. It is a humdrum experience – no fun, no excitement…just household chores and caring for the children. The issues are hydra-headed.

Bimpe interrupted the tirade with “But Paula, did you not do a values and goal alignment before accepting his offer of marriage? It is important to align on your short-term and long-term goals as well as on values relating to everything that could crop up in marriage – finances, religion, spirituality, children (number and spacing), sex, work, investment, etc. This ensures that you work from the same template, thereby minimising disagreements since expectations are pre-agreed.” Bimpe later sought out Tim and convinced the couple to see a Marriage Counsellor who prescribed 10 tips for a healthy relationship which largely hinges on COMMUNICATION. They are:

1. Talk openly to each other about the relationship.
2. Set realistic expectations for each other and discuss them.
3. Realise that compromise is inevitable – concede some.
4. Schedule regular outings.
5. Support each other regarding your goals, dreams, and aspirations. This is only possible if you know what they are, so communicate.
6. Unlearn bad behaviour. Tim had learnt from his father not to entrust his wife with ALL information.
7. Display mutual respect.
8. Work as a team in the relationship and encourage each other with endearments, gifts, and kind gestures.
9. Be creative with problem-solving utilising careful communication.
10. Exhibit patience. Patience is a virtue.

Havilah advises intending couples to always discuss their goals and values and ensure alignment before marriage. The services of a Marriage counselor are also useful in emphasising both the religious norms as well as the practical issues enumerated above.

Love

Havilah