In times gone by it was commonplace for women to express concern when their husbands or fiancés had to visit the Southeastern part of Nigeria for protracted stays. Reason? Fear of losing such men to ladies from the area. It was believed by men and women alike that women from the region knew what it took to please a man and keep a man. This belief could be traced to the “Fattening Room” concept. The popular belief was that the Efiks, Ibibios, and Kalabari ladies were sent to the fattening rooms to flesh them up in preparation for marriage, a formal pre-marriage routine. However, the fattening room offered a lot more training for the prospective bride as it embraced five more key components of marriage. These are:

1. Grooming and beauty care.
2. Culinary expertise.
3. Respect, patience, and courtesy.
4. Financial management
5. Pleasurable techniques

This became etched in the subconscious of ladies from the region and was passed on from generation to generation. They became recognised for making good wives. However, this did not prevent women from other regions from the capacity to make good wives provided they were (albeit informally) frequently counseled and mentored by their mothers and other elderly members of the family on expectations from marriage. However, what better method of learning than emulation? Consequently, where a mother’s instruction or advice runs contrary to her example or practice, the resultant effect is confusion in the daughter’s mind. As the proverb goes, “example is better than precept” so the daughter is more likely to follow the example rather than the advice. This does not preclude counseling from clerics, but such counsel is usually perceived as doctrinal and short-lived, spanning 4-12 sessions of about an hour each…considered inadequate.

In recent times, mothers appear too busy to provide appropriate counseling, and often the children have had to live away from home for protracted periods prior to marriage. It therefore means greater reliance is placed on the examples they observed while growing up at home. It is therefore important for mothers and guardians, to mentor their children and wards with good examples of how marriage should be handled. Parents need to pay attention to what happens at home, to assist their children in building successful homes. Let us learn from Oremi’s counsel below:

Oluta rang the bell of her girlfriend’s house and shifted impatiently until Oremi opened the door. Omitting the usual pleasantries, she hastened into the living room asking, “Ah ah, Oremi, what took you so long to attend to the door?” In the same breath, she continued…” honestly, I have had it up to my neck with Obu. He is such a spoilt brat throwing unnecessary tantrums. Can you imagine, he refuses to eat when he is upset, and when he storms out angry and I do not have food ready for him because I assume he will not eat it, he makes a fuss. He behaves like a baby and expects me to cajole him all the time. To compound matters, I believe he is now seeing someone else. Can you imagine?”

Oremi applies her soothing strategy to calm Oluta’s frayed nerves by playing some soothing music and discussing observations at the last party they attended together. That never fails to work on calming Oluta. After she observes her change in mood, she resumes the topic. Clearing her throat, she laughs “Baby girl, let me first apologise for keeping you at the door but I was getting dinner ready for Bodun and could not leave it at that point because it will not turn out the way he loves it. Oluta, you must learn to do what Obu loves and do it with love and feeling. If he wants you to cajole him into eating your food when he is angry, by all means, do so. I remember my father was like that when I was growing up and after a series of entreaties, my mother would enlist my help in cajoling him to eat. One day, I retorted…Mama, let him starve. He is not hungry that is why he is acting up. You have spoilt him!” I remember her asking me with a gentle smile, “is that what you will do to your husband”, and I replied with an unwavering, YES. Fast forward years later, I found myself doing the very same thing my mother used to do, whenever Bodun acted up, contrary to my response at the time. Somehow, her example spoke volumes and that is what I imbibed, and that is what makes for the peace and tranquility you see and appreciate today”. She continued, “So Oluta dear, it is not too late to correct your steps. Every human being, I take that back, every living thing, regardless of sex, likes to be pampered and loved. Pampering never fails to evoke recognition and appreciation. I know it will work for you as well so why not try a little pampering, you will be surprised at the fruits and benefits it brings you”.

Havilah advises that parents should be intentional about their relationships at home as this impacts the young impressionable minds placed by God under their care. May the Lord help us to do it right.

Love

Havilah