Yours truly was at the Christian wake keep of a beautiful old lady who had just passed away at the age of 80 and listened to all the wonderful testimonies that attested to her as the quintessential virtuous woman described in Proverbs 31 of the Bible. Mama was known for her acts of charity to all and sundry, her sacrificial giving of time, resources, and skills to help widows and orphans in particular, her wise counsel to corporate concerns, her deep involvement in church projects and so many other great works. However, I was most moved by a young man who walked up to the microphone alongside his wife and two beautiful children. He introduced himself as a recipient of Mama’s immeasurable love, which had enabled him an education and that had made him a son by assimilation into her family. Mama had also extended that love to his wife and children. His testimony was encapsulated in one simple sentence “Brothers and sisters…if we still lived in biblical times, I would have invited Apostle Peter to resuscitate Mama.” I found this to be a profound testimony as it set me thinking about the reference to Dorcas (Tabitha) of Joppa, who was resuscitated by Peter, according to Acts of the Apostles 9:38, for her good works and acts of mercy in sewing for the poor. These deeds singled her out for mention in the book believed to be the most widely read book – the bible. Her memory has thus remained blessed through the ages. Because of her charitable acts, good works and hospitality, the women were pained at her passing and requested that Peter resuscitate her.

Dorcas was a virtuous woman who lived a life of purpose, diligence, and forgiveness. She served God through service to humanity and was a disciple of Christ which is why the women sent for Peter. She served others with love and kindness. She spent wisely which enabled her enough to be charitable. She was industrious engaging in profitable work with her hands and assisting others. She exuded an inner beauty which was recognised and evidenced by the love people had for her.

As women, we should emulate Dorcas by being charitable and hospitable to all, giving not just material things but also care, time, and counsel. How often do we lend a hand, particularly in these difficult times?  Have you assisted that young mother who must juggle her work schedule with picking up the children from school whereas you have the time and means to actually pick them up from school and keep them comfortable till she gets back from work? What of that washerman, security guard, or driver who can barely eat a meal from his meagre salary, while you have excess foodstuff, both raw and cooked, have you thought of giving him some? Have you put a smile on the face of your neighbour by paying for extra tutoring for his son who is your son’s classmate or paid for his external examinations which funds his parents are struggling to find? Honestly, there is so much to be done and we can be creative about assistance but most importantly, let us put a smile on someone’s face. What indeed will you be remembered for – your kindness or your hostility, your hospitality or your aloofness, your gentleness, or your brashness?

I recently came across two persons who were pleasantly surprised by the results of acts of kindness presumed forgotten. The first person had assisted some itinerant students with accommodation, feeding and out-of-pocket expenses while they were in the university. The 3 ladies had lived in her boys’ quarters, and she never knew their parents. Long after they left school, they remained in touch and expressed their gratitude by gifting her with a Mediterranean ship cruise. The overwhelming joy she experienced cannot be captured in words. The second is a recipient of the result of his father’s largesse. Having applied to a Government Parastatal regarding a contract, he walked in to see the Director-General with the hope of obtaining favour. Immediately after he announced his name, the Director-General asked if he had any relationship with a certain man with the same surname and when he affirmed the man to be his father, the Director-General waved him to a seat and recounted how his late father had been monumentally helpful to him and that he would gladly do anything in his power for any of his children. Needless to say, what he was requesting was a done deal. It is important to note that our deeds never go unnoticed and the rewards for our actions, both good and bad are often reaped whether by us or by our children. Let us learn to give positively of ourselves to humanity.

Love

Havilah

It was another beautiful day and Omiete who was busy with her customers at her flourishing restaurant suddenly realised that the woman who supplied her fresh vegetables daily would soon be around to pick up her payment for the previous day’s supply. She hurriedly called Okon (her teenage son} who was hard at his studies for his SSCE (Senior Secondary Certificate Examination) to hurry to the bank ATM which was close by and withdraw the sum of N20,000.00 (twenty thousand naira) cash for her use. Reluctantly, Okon left and Omiete returned to rendering service to her customers. It was not until about two hours later when the vegetable vendor arrived that Omiete realised that Okon had not yet returned. She asked all the staff if they had seen him and dialed his cellular phone. To her surprise, his number was switched off. This sent a wave of panic through her because she knew her son. He was not one associated with frivolity and had always acted responsibly. Something must be wrong she thought. “Where do I start from” she whispered to herself. His father had passed on when he was a toddler and Okon was all she lived for. Hmm, she headed for the bank and insisted on seeing the Manager although they were closed to customers. She made a report and was advised to report to the nearest police station. She rushed to the station only to be informed that nothing could be done until after 24 hours of his disappearance so she should come the next day. She was restless, could he have been involved in a hit-and-run accident? Did robbers follow him and dispossess him of the money? Was he kidnapped? The questions were endless and there was no respite. She rushed to her church and poured out her anguish to the parish priest who calmed her somewhat and prayed along with her. She was then advised to wait until the next day and the priest volunteered to accompany her to the police station.

Omiete hardly slept a wink all night as she kept vigil till morning and was busy counting the hours until it was 24 hours since Okon had left the restaurant. As if on cue, the parish priest picked her up in his car and they headed to the police station. She lodged her complaint, and the police accompanied her to the bank where the CCTV camera of the bank showed Okon as having collected money from the ATM. They however noticed that he was closely followed out of the bank premises by a young man whose face was caught on camera. The police also tracked the phone using the IMEI code and were able to trace its location to another town bordering the outskirts of the city. Omiete’s heart was pounding loudly as she insisted on accompanying the police to the suspected location, hoping to see her son but all her entreaties fell on deaf ears as the police insisted that it would be dangerous to do so. After about three days, Okon was brought home by the police although he needed to be treated for shock and malnourishment…but what was that compared with the loss of a child…worse still, an only child. There is a local proverb that interprets it as: “The death of a child is less traumatic than that of a missing child that is never found”. Omiete was grateful to God for the return of Okon and likened it to the joy that the father of the prodigal son in the bible, felt at his return.

Unfortunately, the case of missing persons, and in particular missing children, is on the increase globally. Parents are warned to teach their children safety, security consciousness and awareness and schools should assist in the education process as well. People also need to acquaint themselves with the steps required in cases of missing persons.  In Nigeria, these are:

Informing the police within 24 hours of the time the person became missing. For emphasis, I repeat WITHIN not after. In Nigeria, S.90 of the Police Act of 2020, states this clearly.

A report should also be made online through the Missing Platforms Platform. The platform partners with technical assistants and the ICRC (International Committee of the Red Cross) to provide trauma management services for both the family members and the reconciled missing persons.

Advertisements in all media platforms e.g., visual, audio, and social are also helpful.

It is also noteworthy that the IMEI numbers of phones can be used to track the location of phones, which may assist in tracking down hideouts. Most androids have apps that assist in finding the phone and this could help the police in their investigations.

Love

Havilah

Three empty nesters were meeting in the home of the Wilsons for a potluck dinner and just after setting all the dishes in place, Erioluwa Wilson absent-mindedly called out for “Bembem” the younger of her two daughters, who left home a couple of weeks before to serve the National Youth Service Corps. Lanre (her husband) responded with a chuckle “Eri dear, none of the girls is home and you better get used to it as she will be joining her sister in the United Kingdom after the NYSC program, for her masters. It is just me and you. Maybe I can help you fetch what you want”, he added with a pat on her back. Erioluwa heaved a deep sigh and wondered if, she would ever get used to not correcting, discussing, admonishing, and generally disagreeing with the girls, especially Bembem whose characteristics could loosen the tongue of a person with speech impairment. She appreciated Lanre for offering and sent him off to retrieve the chilled juices from the fridge.

As soon as Haroun and Hafsat were admitted into the house, Haroun took a sweeping look around the dining room and in his baritone voice, enquired “Where is my favorite person – Bembem? I expected her to get the door as usual”. In response, Eri explained that she had commenced the NYSC and was sorely missed at home. She continued, “I miss her so much, in fact, you just missed a scene in which I was yelling for her assistance. Thank God for Lanre stepping in to assist. First, it was Moremi and now Bembem, this empty nest syndrome will take some getting used to o. Luckily, there are mobile phones and internet technology to bridge the gap, but I still feel their physical absence”.

Hafsat quickly cut in…” Not to worry, you will fill in the gaps over time. I certainly am enjoying the privilege of having Haroun’s undivided attention these days and spending quality time with each other. Well. In our case, I guess it was easier to adjust because, during our marriage counseling, we were advised to start to prepare for the empty nest immediately after we had the first child. The counselor said that in like manner as we prepare for retirement immediately after we get the first job, we should realise that the first child and any subsequent ones will need their independence and certainly leave home one day.  So, immediately after Mahmoud was born, we continued with our couple outings and vacations, allowing Mahmoud and later, his siblings to spend sleepovers and vacations with family members. Of course, we also had family vacations and outings that included them, but we (Haroun and I) continued to bond in our own special space”.

“That is not to say we don’t miss them, but it made it easier for us to let go of the leash. At this point, what they need are our prayers and support, where available”, Haroun added.

As if on cue, Angel and Fred walked in with the words, “My o my, Eri how are you coping with Bembem’s absence? It can’t be easy, but trust me, you will overcome the seeming desolation”. Angel continued, “For us, we gradually eased into it. You will recall that Patrick and Yvonne were sent to a Secondary Boarding school and since their ages are close, the house was empty during the school term. This continued with their university experience as both went to school very far away from home. By the time they were back home for the NYSC, it was strange seeing them around so often, so it came as no surprise that they opted to rent accommodation immediately after they gained employment. I must admit that the boarding school phase was the most difficult for us as we had hitherto arranged our lives around them…school drops off, food, engagement, pickups, etc. Let me say Ert and Lanre, WELCOME TO OUR WORLD! Luckily, it is our responsibility to pick up Yvonne’s daughter, Merill from school and have her company until her mum picks her up after work.

Eri, looked at the faces of all her friends one after the other and acknowledged their encouragement. Yes, the words made her feel better but she knew, she would still have to go through the “pain” associated with her beloved Bembem being away. Funnily, when Tola, Bembem’s older sister left home, she hadn’t felt it as much maybe because she still had Bembem. She shrugged her shoulders and promised to deal with it in her own way because she knew, it was inevitable. Every parent’s prayer is to raise independent and successful children and independent children must at some stage, leave the nest.

Love

Havilah

Biobele rushed into Bami’s apartment yelling “Hey…this is inconceivable o. I just read on social media that my pastor has been incarcerated for scamming people off millions by deceiving them and promising that he has been praying for them! Hey… Bami, I don’t know what to say, it means I am one of his victims. I sometimes use him as my prayer contractor for which he often requests some inducement and I willingly oblige. After all, fasting and praying are not my forte and after my mother passed, there has been a vacuum in that regard.

Bami was swift to react. “Bio dear, nothing beats taking your requests directly to your heavenly father yourself. You do not need an intermediary because the only person who knows the entirety of what pertains to you is God. Besides, no one can feel the pinch of your shoes better than you the wearer, so you are in the best position to cry out to God. The word of God says you cannot expect answered prayers when you pray amiss. How then do you contract out your communication with your father and think it would not be done amiss?

Biobele replied with a sigh “Hmmm…mama was a prayer warrior, so we always relied on her to pray for us. As children, she would quickly say a word of prayer over us before we left for school and would later go down on her knees for hours, praying for the entire household. She tried to encourage us to do morning devotion (which I did sparingly) but aside from that prayers were left to her.

Bami asked “How did you handle nightmares as a child?” to which Bio replied, “Mama would cuddle us pray for us, and sing us to sleep. Honestly, I miss my sweet mother.”

Bami shook her head in concern and advised Bio “I honestly think Mama made a mistake in taking on all the communication with God on your behalf and that is why you have now fallen prey to prayer contractors. One must develop a personal relationship with God and a clear channel of communication. Any other intercessor is only re-echoing your requests to God. If you haven’t communicated, there is nothing to re-echo. I know that because of the mother-child relationship, a mother’s prayers speak for the children, but she must teach them to fish rather than feeding them with fish all the time. As things stand, you need to learn to pray for both you and your family. Who will teach your children to fish and who will intercede on their behalf like your mother did for you? Darling, you need to put the full armor of God on and realise that growing in faith and spirituality requires dedication and discipline if you will stop being a Sunday – Sunday Christian who only enjoys the fellowship of attending church service. You must start a discipleship program and learn to commune with God every morning by having devotion and committing the day to his hands. It’s not about “Father please watch over me today and return me safely home” then being on your way. “You will also learn to study his word and gradually migrate into intense prayers and intercession for your family. It is not only doable but necessary, and the Lord will hearken to your prayers.”

“Now, let us celebrate your emancipation with prayers of thanksgiving and praise to Almighty God for revealing the truth to you. “

Havilah admonishes parents and in particular, mothers, that they owe a duty to their children to bring them up according to the dictates of their religion which requires entrenching in them the tenets of their faith as well as teaching them how to commune with God. This not only assists them in navigating the storms of life but also consolidates their relationship with God, especially in these precarious times.

Love

Havilah

After a busy day shopping for knick-knacks around town, I called my childhood friend, Toluwalase, to find out if I could pop in for a quick chit-chat before heading home. As was expected, she obliged me with the visit, and within ten minutes I was at her doorstep. It is never a dull moment with Lase (as I fondly referred to her) and this time I found her making Homemade pasta from scratch… I mean from the semolina flour. Astonished, I quipped “My dear African Italian, where did you pick this up from now? You never cease to amaze me.” In her quiet manner she responded, “Havilah, just watch me and after you admit to eating the best pasta and meatballs ever, I will tell you the secret.” I watched intently as she deftly rolled out the pasts into incredible shapes and couped them in an awesome tomato-based sauce with delicate meatballs. The aroma was mouth-watering. So, as we sat to our delicious dinner chased down with some white wine, I asked between mouthfuls “So can I get the gist behind this new Italian cuisine chef status? “

Lase laughed and cleared her throat, “During my last visit to our daughter, she gave me a lecture on the need to relax thoroughly and engage in some leisure and self-care. Thereafter, she lined up a series of activities to engage in during my short stay. The activities were varied but impactful. Relaxing yet productive and I daresay, I learnt quite a lot yet enjoyed myself doing so. You see, I attended a pasta-making class from an authentic Italian chef, and it was fun rolling the pasta from scratch and learning the tricks of the trade like the right quantity of salt and whether oil is required at all, etc.  I also went to a winery and did some wine tasting, learning the aging process and types of grapes used for the different classes of wines like rose, champagne, red wine, etc. How I wasn’t intoxicated that day is still a miracle but gladly, I was not driving,” she said with a laugh, and continued. ”I visited the theatre to watch a musical show and listen to an orchestra, went up the mountains admiring nature along the way, hmm, it probably was the time I was most at peace with myself and it helped me to appreciate God more.”

Her experience helped me to relive my own experience at a “sip and paint” recently where time sped past as I tried to put together some colours on canvas for my living room. My painting started off as a masquerade but ended up as an abstract painting but hey… who cares, I had fun doing it and the banters shared around the room by all who participated helped with networking. That day, I shared my High School Geography teacher’s cynicism with all in attendance. I had put in my best effort to draw the map of North America and this woman had squinted at the map and asked with all seriousness “Is this a yam”. The class had erupted in laughter and though initially pained, I later found humour in her comment.

As I left Lase, I realised that too often, we ladies get too involved with caring for parents, husbands, children, and a host of others, that we barely have time for ourselves. We fail to enjoy the simple things  of life. The lines of W. H. Davies in his poem entitled LEISURE kept creeping into my mind. “What is this life if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare…A poor life this is if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare.” We do not take time out to breathe and enjoy nature – The beaches, the countryside, our tourist attractions, live shows, and newer leisure activities like ceramic/pottery painting and other art-related activities, karaoke and other musical activities, sporting activities, etc. The benefits of leisure are enormous, especially in a world so full of stress. We tend to forget that life is fleeting, and the reality comes home when I translate the years to days. 100 hundred years is merely 36500 days! How many of us have the grace to live for a hundred years? May the Lord help us to apply wisdom.

From experience, a little self-care or self-indulgence enables you to cope better with stress, you decompress to better prepare you for subsequent stressors.

Let us learn to take those little breaks, vacations, and trips and generally live life, life does not have to be one of drudgery.

Love

Havilah