Making Lemonade Out of Lemons!

As I walked into the hospital to visit a friend on admission, in walked a young female Doctor on the ward round and my friend introduced me to her as Havilah. Immediately, her face lit up. She introduced herself as Banke and requested that I stop by her office on the way out. On my way out, I obliged by stepping in to see Banke and she requested that I post her story. Please read Banke’s story.

“One day, several years ago, (as a young teenager of eighteen) at about five in the morning, I stood on a busy street in our city shivering from fear and cold when this saloon car stopped and reversed to pack beside me. I looked away, expecting it to be one of those men in search of a sexual partner. I could not bear to go through that experience again but though afraid, I remained rooted to the spot. Suddenly, a matronly looking woman emerged from the car dressed in a sparkling, crisp white nurses’ uniform. It was Mrs. Mfon Bassey. She was returning home from her night shift and had spotted me. As she approached me with a smile, she offered to give me a lift home and I got into the car. When I was comfortably seated, she asked for my name and address, I burst into tears and sobbed uncontrollably. “Ma,” I said, “I cannot go home. My mother will kill me”! She calmed me down and quietly drove me to her apartment where she lived with her sister and two children. She was widowed. After a bath and hot meal (the first I had in a long while), she asked me what I was doing on the street at that time of the day.

Ma, I began, “I am the first of three children born into a family where my deceased father was a bus driver and my mum, was a petty trader. Things seemed to be working for us until I lost my father at the age of five, to a motor accident. Thereafter, my young mother of three was branded a witch especially as she refused to marry her late husband’s senior brother as a second wife. She was consequently ostracised by both her own family and my father’s. Mama struggled to send me and my younger ones to school and I passed both my SSC examinations and JAMB (Joint Admissions And Matriculation Board) examinations with flying colours. Unfortunately, the funds to pursue my education at the University were not available and I felt devastated. I however continued to help Mama in the shop with her petty trading. That fateful day, Aunty Becky (our neighbour) approached me informing me that she would introduce me to her “work” which would enable me to raise the much-needed funds for my education. She however entreated me not to discuss it with my mother as she intended it as a surprise. That evening she asked me to dress up and accompany her although she informed my mother that I would be babysitting her sister’s children as their parents would be away for the night. Instead, she led me to a brothel where… (I broke down in tears again) I was sexually assaulted, debased, and traumatised ma, I could not wait for Aunty Becky to find my way out of there.”

Mummy Mfon showed empathy and promised to accompany me to see my mother and talk things over with my mother. That chance meeting with mummy Mfon was the visit of the angel that transformed my life. She did as promised and took me home and after a long discussion with my mum, I was asked to pack my few belongings and follow her home. Thus started my climb to a better life. I helped with household chores and was paid a salary which I sent to my mother to help with my sibling’s school fees. Mummy Mfon treated me like a daughter – fed and clothed me and encouraged me texamso learn a trade… make-up and gele tying. She encouraged me to retake the JAMB  and I got admitted on merit to one of the best institutions in the country to study medicine. She promised to pay my tuition until graduation and remained faithful to that promise. My make-up and gele tying skills assisted me in meeting up with living and other expenses. On my part, I impacted Mummy Mfon’s life by enabling her cost reduction due to my bargaining skills and approach as well as making nutritious cost-effective meals. I can proudly say I am who I am today because I met an angel in human form who transformed what would have remained the saddest day of my life into the best day of my life.

I intend to someday, write my autobiography but would wish to acclaim this wonderful woman, while she is still alive. Please ma, do me the honour.”

I left Banke’s office thinking to myself that this is God’s commandment in practice. This kind of love for your neighbour is what is needed to transform our societies. If things had been different, this young lady may have ended up in the world’s oldest profession – prostitution, instead of a doctor. So many of us are in a position to transform lives and impact our societies by lending a helping hand whether it is with the provision of services, advice, finances, connections, essentials like food, clothing, housing, job opportunities and the like but we would rather turn a blind eye to people’s needs and end up complaining about the banes of our society, when collectively, we can reduce the impact. May the Lord help us all.

Love

Havilah

Belema, is a beauty to behold. A slim, tall glowingly black beauty with curves in the right places and graceful long legs that bear her elegant mien. Her entrance into any room usually attracts the attention of men and women alike, as heads always turn in her direction. However, on this rainy day, she was parked in the parking lot of a mall, miles away from her home, battling with a plethora of emotions ranging from anger to self-pity. “How in the world could Micky have treated me this way? ” She felt ridiculed.  Enraged by his actions, she had sped out of the driveway to their home and embarked on this long drive to keep a rein on her emotions. After walking through the mall, she felt better able to drive back home and have a much-needed talk with Micky, her husband to ensure that such a scene would NEVER repeat itself – sober or tipsy.

That evening, Micky had invited some colleagues and cohorts over to his home to watch an important football match over drinks. After guzzling down a couple of beers and with the euphoria of his preferred team taking the lead by halftime, in a loud voice, he summoned Belema and instructed that she put on bum shorts and strut before his friends to show off her figure and awesome legs. He was proud of his wife’s beauty and she is his prized jewel.

Belema, a very humble and private person who never wore shorts outside her home because she felt uncomfortable with the stares she often got even while clothed conventionally, was awestruck. In the twinkling of an eye, her emotions swung from embarrassment to feeling insulted and finally enraged. She swung around, reached for her car keys, and headed straight out of the door without uttering a word. If she had waited a minute longer, she would have inevitably engaged in a face-off with Micky. As she left, thoughts crowded her mind.” What does he take me for, a prized jewel? A chattel to be flaunted and paraded before his friends? Not even a consideration for my self-esteem?”

As she backed her car angrily out of the garage, Victor (Micky’s closest associate) patted him on the back and declared “Old boy, that was a very wrong move on your part…you had no business doing what you just did”. Micky snorted and replied sharply “I was just appreciating God’s handwork on her. She should be grateful that I appreciate her the way I do”. Some of the other colleagues nodded in agreement but Victor continued, shaking his head vigorously. “No Micky, that was uncalled for. Certainly not in public. If it were just the two of you, why not…but not with other men around”. Micky reacted with hurt pride, raising his voice “But none of you is a stranger to her. I am thoroughly disappointed with her behaviour. Imagine the disgrace – disobeying me before all of you!” Victor quietly decided to bury the discussion for another day when his friend would be sober.

While recalling the above episode, Havilah was reminded of the biblical character – Queen Vashti. The Bible records that her husband, King Ahasuerus of Persia (Xerxes the Great), had called for a feast that was not only lavish but well attended by nobles, Princes, and important men from all corners of his vast kingdom, in high spirits, he had called for his wife to parade herself with the crown on her head, to display her “beauty” before all and sundry. For refusing to obey the King’s orders, her action was interpreted as rebellion which was capable of influencing other women to disobey their husbands. Consequently, she was banished from the King’s presence and lost her place.

My guess is that if this had happened in our times, she would have received the support of Feminists and Human Rights activists and undoubtedly, the social media machinery would have risen to her rescue. However, on deeper introspection, my thoughts are that in those times (about 400 BC), very powerful Kings such as Xerxes were perceived and treated as Demi-gods. Their orders were Law and people severely punished and even killed for disobedience. Therefore, when Vashti chose to disobey the King’s instruction, she should have expected repercussions as the consequences of her action or in this case inaction. The lesson here is that in whatever circumstances we find ourselves, may we learn to apply our hearts to wisdom, especially in questionable circumstances.

Back to Belema, she got home to find Micky asleep on the living room sofa. Wisely, she allowed him to sleep out the drink before having the much-coveted discourse the next morning, by which time he was not only sober but more receptive to her view, and her anger too had dissipated. Needless to say, such indiscretion never repeated itself.

Love

Havilah

Jemima, Santhus and Paul sat in a café sipping drinks to calm their nerves after experiencing a “holocaust” after which her best friend – Abigail, hurriedly exited. Jemima kept pondering and asserting that this was a horrible dream from which she would soon wake up. To think that she and Santhus had been on the brink of a divorce. Thank God for the intervention of Paul. She finally found her voice and expressed herself…” Wow, this world is wicked!” she exclaimed.

Jemima and Abigail had been friends from high school and throughout the university. Soon after school, Abigail had been involved in a whirlwind marriage which had resulted in a much-contested divorce. After that, the relationship had grown even closer, and Jemima felt free to discuss everything in her life with her friend.

In recent times, Jemima’s marriage to Santhus was going through turbulent times. After five years of marital bliss, she could not wrap her head around what was happening. Trust had taken a walk out of the door; communication had taken a back seat and was limited to monosyllables. They lacked the grace to listen to each other, talk less of praying together. They kept a façade for the outside world by attending events together, but they both knew the marriage was on the brink of collapse. However, in the innermost recess of Jemima’s heart, she still loved Santhus and desired that the marriage be resuscitated. Santhus also felt the same and had confessed to his closest pal-Paul, that he loved Jemima but could not understand what was happening to them.

After lots of digging, Paul realised that the root cause of his friend’s problem was Jemima’s trusted friend, Abigail. Both Jemima and Santhus had placed their trust in Abigail and made her their confidant. Unfortunately, Abigail had belied the trust reposed in her and manipulated their relationship. Paul then invited the couple over for dinner to talk things over and asked them to listen to the lyrics of a 1963 song by Jim Reeves and Dottie West – “Look Who’s Talking.” As the words rang out, they were not lost on Jemima and Santhus “The ones we thought were our best friends were our worst enemies…eyes that search where there is something wrong were welcome to our home…two broken hearts that lies destroyed.” As if on cue, both Jemima and Santhus exclaimed “Abigail!” Suddenly, it dawned on Jemima that she had believed everything Abigail had told her about Santhus without questioning motive or rationale. She had painted it as the duty of a “loyal friend” to inform Jemima of the contrived misdemeanors of Santhus. He was portrayed as an unrelenting Casanova while feeding Santhus with lies about Jemima. Jemima trusted Abigail implicitly and was grateful to her for revealing the true Santhus to her. Little did she know…

It took the discerning mind of Paul to align the accusations and counter-accusations, tracing them all to a common source – Abigail. Paul then suggested that Jemima invite Abigail to their favorite rendez- vous, a café close to her house. On that fateful day, as they were discussing the proposed divorce, in walked Santhus and Paul to join their table, to Abigail’s discomfiture. Abigail involuntarily reached for her bag and hurriedly excused herself to use the restroom but not before Paul blurted out, “The cat is out of the bag Abigail, why did you do it?’

Abigail broke down in tears and confessed that she had always envied her best friend – Jemima. When she got married, she thought she had gained an edge over her but when her marriage collapsed, she could not understand why Jemima’s should thrive. With ample time on her hands, she contrived the mischief to put them at par. She broke down and wept bitterly and after offering her feeble apology, she hurriedly left the scene.

Thank God, Paul was able to save this marriage, but some key lessons learned are:

1. The institution of marriage can be fragile but the only third party allowed in it is GOD.
2. Communication is the oil that keeps the marriage running smoothly and should never be allowed to break down.
3. Praying together is important and the fire of the family altar should never be allowed to fizzle out.

May the Lord keep us away from unfriendly friends and give us discerning spirits for our relationships.

Love

Havilah

Ogbealu is the product of a beautiful marriage where conviviality, peace and marital bliss reign supreme. Of course, as in any relationship, there were disagreements but the ease with which issues were resolved, left the children in no doubt that love conquers all. She however noted with a growing sense of unease, that a lot of her peers were having dissolved marriages in contemporary times and her enquiries revealed that the marriages of children tend to be patterned after their experiences at home. After all, the home is the first sphere of influence for any individual. In a bid to help young marriages and intending couples, she started a monthly marriage seminar and today’s topic is “The impact of the foundation/home on marriages in contemporary times.”

Mildred was previously in a marriage where physical and emotional abuse held sway. She was married for a little under a year and during that period, any time she had to work late, she suffered palpitations connected to an anxiety syndrome. She suffered numerous bashings and was locked out of her matrimonial home on several occasions, but she endured everything until she suffered a nervous breakdown, and the hospital advised a separation, albeit temporary, to enable her to maintain her sanity. Her explanation for enduring the intense abuse was that she came from a home where her father had dominated and her mother had endured similar abuse, ostensibly for the sake of the children. Consequently, any complaints voiced to her mother were always met with “Mildred, be patient. After all, if I could manage your father, you should do similarly with your husband.”

Peter, on his part (a reformed wife batterer), explained his situation thus. “My father would always teach his boys that the word of God states clearly that wives should submit to their husbands. (In hindsight, that was the only biblical reference I heard from him…I wonder if he knew any other). He believed that most wives were stubborn and opinionated and must be forced into submission even if it was through punishment. I learnt that lesson pretty well as my mother was a recipient of constant acts of brutality with rights and privileges withheld. She however remained in the relationship, albeit unhappily. My first wife moved on as a result of my mindset and it was only after my current wife suffered a miscarriage as a result of beatings, that I had a rethink.”

Wosilat explained, “In our home, it was somewhat different. My mother was an expert at giving “. She would ignore my father and withhold food and other privileges for what she referred to as “Bad behaviour.” I grew up feeling it was the right way to manage disagreements. I tried that a number of times with my now estranged husband. On the fourth occasion, he gave me the beating of my life and I landed in hospital. That led to our estrangement as I almost lost my life. To be candid, I believe I had pushed him to the limits, so he reacted with pent-up anger.”

Ogbealu rounded up on the note that the home is the first sphere of influence for children and serves as their template for how marriages should be handled. Where parents show maturity in conduct, responsibility and managing challenges disputes or disagreements, the children are more likely to follow that template when faced with similar challenges. A conciliatory arrangement tends to stabilise marriages. Where the contrary is the case, the children imbibe a culture of strife which invariably results in the breakdown of the family unit.

Havilah is reminded of the lyrics of one of Millie Jackson’s songs that was a hit in the late seventies, “You Created a Monster.” As parents, we are expected to mould the character of our children but sometimes our actions or inactions create monsters out of our children, which then become impossible or at best, difficult to correct, control or manage. It is my prayer that the Lord will help us to be good examples to our children and all who look up to us as mentors. The saying “Example is the best teacher” is so true and we should never forget it especially as it impacts young marriages today. The rate of break up of young marriages is becoming alarming and a discouragement to persons of marriageable age.

I can’t believe I skipped the usual wishes for a successful year! Dear readers, thank you for the encouraging reviews and support in 2023. I wish you all a prosperous year ahead and may all your desires come through.

Love

Havilah