Ogbealu is the product of a beautiful marriage where conviviality, peace and marital bliss reign supreme. Of course, as in any relationship, there were disagreements but the ease with which issues were resolved, left the children in no doubt that love conquers all. She however noted with a growing sense of unease, that a lot of her peers were having dissolved marriages in contemporary times and her enquiries revealed that the marriages of children tend to be patterned after their experiences at home. After all, the home is the first sphere of influence for any individual. In a bid to help young marriages and intending couples, she started a monthly marriage seminar and today’s topic is “The impact of the foundation/home on marriages in contemporary times.”

Mildred was previously in a marriage where physical and emotional abuse held sway. She was married for a little under a year and during that period, any time she had to work late, she suffered palpitations connected to an anxiety syndrome. She suffered numerous bashings and was locked out of her matrimonial home on several occasions, but she endured everything until she suffered a nervous breakdown, and the hospital advised a separation, albeit temporary, to enable her to maintain her sanity. Her explanation for enduring the intense abuse was that she came from a home where her father had dominated and her mother had endured similar abuse, ostensibly for the sake of the children. Consequently, any complaints voiced to her mother were always met with “Mildred, be patient. After all, if I could manage your father, you should do similarly with your husband.”

Peter, on his part (a reformed wife batterer), explained his situation thus. “My father would always teach his boys that the word of God states clearly that wives should submit to their husbands. (In hindsight, that was the only biblical reference I heard from him…I wonder if he knew any other). He believed that most wives were stubborn and opinionated and must be forced into submission even if it was through punishment. I learnt that lesson pretty well as my mother was a recipient of constant acts of brutality with rights and privileges withheld. She however remained in the relationship, albeit unhappily. My first wife moved on as a result of my mindset and it was only after my current wife suffered a miscarriage as a result of beatings, that I had a rethink.”

Wosilat explained, “In our home, it was somewhat different. My mother was an expert at giving “. She would ignore my father and withhold food and other privileges for what she referred to as “Bad behaviour.” I grew up feeling it was the right way to manage disagreements. I tried that a number of times with my now estranged husband. On the fourth occasion, he gave me the beating of my life and I landed in hospital. That led to our estrangement as I almost lost my life. To be candid, I believe I had pushed him to the limits, so he reacted with pent-up anger.”

Ogbealu rounded up on the note that the home is the first sphere of influence for children and serves as their template for how marriages should be handled. Where parents show maturity in conduct, responsibility and managing challenges disputes or disagreements, the children are more likely to follow that template when faced with similar challenges. A conciliatory arrangement tends to stabilise marriages. Where the contrary is the case, the children imbibe a culture of strife which invariably results in the breakdown of the family unit.

Havilah is reminded of the lyrics of one of Millie Jackson’s songs that was a hit in the late seventies, “You Created a Monster.” As parents, we are expected to mould the character of our children but sometimes our actions or inactions create monsters out of our children, which then become impossible or at best, difficult to correct, control or manage. It is my prayer that the Lord will help us to be good examples to our children and all who look up to us as mentors. The saying “Example is the best teacher” is so true and we should never forget it especially as it impacts young marriages today. The rate of break up of young marriages is becoming alarming and a discouragement to persons of marriageable age.

I can’t believe I skipped the usual wishes for a successful year! Dear readers, thank you for the encouraging reviews and support in 2023. I wish you all a prosperous year ahead and may all your desires come through.

Love

Havilah