Last week I went with a friend, Nkoli to visit Aunt Ndidi, (Nkoli’s mum and a particularly good friend of my late mother). Aunty Ndidi at 89, looks vibrant and well looked after and I was happy to see her after quite some time. We had a wonderful conversation as she was in high spirits reliving her youth and some of the events in the country at the time. Although Nkoli had earlier warned me that Aunt Ndidi may not recognise me I was pleasantly surprised that she did and immediately asked about her old friend, my mother. I immediately reminded her that mom had passed about 5 years before and that she, Aunt Ndidi had been involved in the funeral arrangements, for which I am eternally grateful. She however continued to request that I ask her to see her and that they probably would visit another of their mutual friends to which I played along as nudged by Nkoli. I ended with,” I will bring her over soon. We will arrange it …Nkoli and I.” I assumed the memory of the loss of her friend was too much for her to process and decided to change the subject matter as I asked what she had for lunch. Her response left me speechless…” My daughter, I have not eaten anything today” she replied. It was already 4 pm and I searched for what to say, I caught hold of Nkoli’s wink and quickly followed her into the adjoining room. We barely entered the room before I whispered “Nkoli, what is going on” to which she replied “Havilah, hmm…Mama was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease which affects her cognitive abilities. Her memory and some other brain-related functionalities are impaired.”

I took a deep breath and recalled that another friend’s dad 10 years ago was miraculously brought back home by a good Samaritan who recognised him, after wandering around for 24 hours. He was thoroughly, dehydrated, dishevelled, and hungry. He had left home unaccompanied and unannounced the previous day, ostensibly to take a walk. Somehow, he had lost track of place and time and could not find his way home. It was later discovered that he had dementia at the age of seventy-four! I remember thinking then, this is scary.

The more I pondered the subject of dementia and its attendant impact, especially on the loved ones who are closely related or affiliated with the patient, the more I purposed to research this increasingly prevalent condition for the purpose of awareness. The below summation on the subject is culled from Mayoclinic.org:

Dementia is caused by damage to or loss of nerve cells and their connection to the brain. Though dementia is not a part of normal aging, the chances of developing dementia increase with age, especially after age 65. However, younger onset dementia may occur in younger persons even as early as 30 years. The condition results in impaired cognitive abilities or difficulty in making decisions that interfere with everyday activities. Early signs of dementia are memory loss, difficulty in concentrating, difficulty with familiar daily tasks, struggling to follow conversations or find the right words, being confused about place or time, and mood changes, among others. While there is no known cure for dementia, the symptoms are dependent on the area of the brain that is affected. Dementia can however be corrected where the damage is caused by deficiency in certain vitamins and minerals. In such cases, treatment is possible. It is therefore important to take vitamin and mineral supplements as we age, in order to make up for deficiencies that may arise from diet.

Dementia is considered a degenerative disease and may be linked to changes in some genes which can be discovered through testing. Three of the more common forms of dementia are mentioned below:

1. Alzheimer’s which is the most common. This can be inherited. It is genetic.
2. Vascular which is caused by damage to blood vessels supplying the brain. It impacts problem-solving, slowed thinking, and loss of focus and organisation.
3. Lewy body dementia which involves acting out dreams in sleep, visual hallucinations, tremors, uncoordinated slow movements, and stiffness (Parkinsonism).

RISK FACTORS THAT CAN NOT BE CHANGED ARE:

1. Age – usually above 65
2. Family history. However, people with a family history may never develop symptoms and vice versa.
3. Down syndrome usually experiences early-onset dementia.

RISK FACTORS THAT YOU CAN CHANGE

1. Unhealthy lifestyle. A healthy  lifestyle involving a diet rich in nuts, seeds, whole grains, fish, oils, and exercise can lower the risk of cognitive decline.
2. Drinking substantial amounts of alcohol. Reduction in alcohol consumption can reduce the risk which is associated with consuming substantial amounts of alcohol.
3. Cardiovascular risk factors e.g. obesity, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, atherosclerosis, and smoking. Treatment and stoppage of smoking can address the risk.
4. Late life depression.
5. Air pollution from exhausts and burning wood.
6. Head trauma from injury, Sleep problems and disturbances, Low levels of vitamins and minerals especially vitamins D, B-6, B-12, folate etc.

It is therefore important to pay attention to our health as we advance in age to enable graceful aging and to commit the process into the hands of our God.

Love

Havillah

Inemi was taking a brisk walk down a busy street in her neighbourhood to pick up some fruits for her breakfast when she walked past a sight that caught her attention. There was a young man whose age she would place in the mid to late thirties, perched casually on a stool by the side of the road watching passersby. His eyes however fastened on a very pretty girl of about the age of six as she walked in the company of an older sibling to school. He practically drooled as the lust in his eyes was palpable and he seemed to shift in his pants. Inemi could feel the bile rise in her as she viewed him with disgust and could not help reprimanding him for staring after the little girl. Her mind quickly did a replay of what had happened about ten years prior, to her darling daughter – Ebiere.

Inemi had sent for her younger brother, Diepreye, from the village to join her in the city after high school, in order to give him the opportunity to work while awaiting admission into the University. He had immediately taken interest in her daughter Ebiere who was 8 years old at the time and soon became fond of her little uncle. She had thought nothing of the mutual fondness until Diepreye had to leave for the University in another city. Ebiere wept her heart out and refused to eat for days. Inemi was so disturbed that she decided to take Ebiere to a child psychologist. After two sessions, the cause of the distress was unfolded. Diepreye had introduced Ebiere to some sexual pleasures for which he spoiled her with chocolates and other things. She not only missed the gifts but had started enjoying the sensual feeling she derived from his actions. She had to put her young daughter through therapy and was always watchful around her until she felt confident that she had overcome the trauma.

She had also been forced to excommunicate Diepreye from her immediate family but not until she had confronted him about the situation. He of course denied having any sexual attraction to his niece how much more indulging in sexually suggestive actions with her. However, when he was threatened with swearing before the village shrine, he immediately fell on his knees and confessed his actions. Inemi sent him back to the village and initially demurred to paying his university fees but later relented on the decision. She then agreed to sponsor his education but insisted that he keep his distance from her home. This of course had raised a lot of brouhaha in the village as her action was viewed by some as justifiable while others felt she overreacted. All this happened 10 years ago and both Ebiere and Inemi had since moved past that. Inemi could not however get over the venom that flowed from Ebiere’s father – Obu, who had since refused to visit her family in the village.

This recent incident got her thinking – there is a lot of sympathy and outrage for victims of paedophiles but very little understanding as to why paedophiles exist. She decided to venture into understanding the causes of paedophilia, the telltale signs at an early stage and what can be done to restrain them or curtail their activities.

Paedophilia is a psychiatric/psychological disorder for which there appears to be no known cure. It is however believed that most paedophiles are themselves victims of childhood trauma whether sexual or otherwise. While most reported or discussed cases involve female children, males can also be victims of paedophiles. Both males and females can suffer from the disorder although it appears to be more prevalent in men.

Havilah’s advice to parents is to be watchful as paedophiles exist everywhere…in school environments, in the family, among aides and caregivers, even friends. The Mental Health Centre of America lists the following as some of their characteristics:

Preference for the company of children and popular with them.

“Grooms” children with quality time, parties, candy, gifts toys etc.

Singles out children who seem troubled and in need of attention or affection.

Rarely forces or coerces a child into sexual contact but rather by developing trust and friendship.

Derives gratification in several ways from looking to watching children undress to physical contact.

They prefer jobs or pastimes that give them greater access to children.

Parents, grandparents, and guardians should always be watchful of their children and be very observant of their children to enable them to pick up any changes in character. May the Lord help us all.

Love

Havilah

It’s another Valentine’s Day and as I thought about what to write for today, suddenly I realised Oh, it’s Valentine’s! I recall my chance meeting with a petite middle-aged lady last year’s Valentine’s Day. We met at Cherubic Saints orphanage where I had accompanied a friend for investigations on the adoption process. Christine, as she introduced herself with a smile and an outstretched hand, had such a pleasant and interesting personality. I was so taken in by the charm she exuded and the fact that she had thoughtfully packaged red tee shirts for the workers at the orphanage and accompanied them with sacksful of assorted goodies for the children in the orphanage. I voiced my admiration for her generosity, and she gave me the background to her interpretation and expression of Valentine’s Day.

Christine’s narrative: I had always enjoyed the gifts and outings my husband showered on me on Valentine’s Day until he was called to the heavens 5 years ago. The first Valentine’s Day after that was so sad and lonely as I missed him so much on that day. The next year, the children opened my eyes by expressing their love for me in a unique way. They gave me a treat I will never forget that etched the love they have for me deeply into my subconscious. In my part of the country. Children are referred to as “my husband” and they indeed played the part on his behalf. My children had cut fresh flowers from the garden and made a beautiful bouquet which they placed in a beautiful vase and brought up to me with my favorite tea, in bed. What a beautiful wake-up moment. When I was done and walked into the bathroom to take a bath, they had transformed the mood and ambiance, of the bathroom. They had placed some swirling-coloured lights, and scented rose petals on the floor and had run the bath and placed a book and my favorite drink beside it. I was enthralled but confused. It wasn’t my birthday…what was going on? Then it hit me like a thunderbolt…It was Valentine’s Day! I was so overwhelmed, that tears of joy cascaded down my cheeks and as I stepped into the kitchen, I found a beautifully laid out breakfast, prepared by hands of love from hearts of love. Honestly, they blew my mind. I saw Valentine’s Day from a new perspective…not just receiving expensive gifts and outings, but rather a day to show true love through innovative giving. I soon realised that what the children did was not expensive but was VERY THOUGHTFUL and required ingenuity and giving of themselves from the heart.

So, the next Valentine’s Day, I sought to bring joy to those I see sweeping the streets – an important labour that is hardly rewarded adequately. I cannot forget the smiles, prayers, and gratitude that my giving elicited on that day. If only we would take that day to truly share love because all men are deserving of love. The holy book says we should love God first and next, love ALL humanity.”

As I left the orphanage that day, I determined to ensure that I share the love with others as often as possible and at least on the 14^th of February each year. Christine left her imprint on me; I hope she does on you too. Remember, it does not have to be expensive, merely ingenious. Is it making an uncommon dish and giving people in packs? Or those clothes hanging in your wardrobe unused for years? There is no limit to what can be done to put a smile on people’s faces and joy in their hearts. When we truly understand what love is about, we will experience joy unending and the peace that passes all understanding. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

Love

Havilah

Amoni and Bolurin were key members of the Kingdom Life Parish choir where Bolurin played the guitar and Amoni led praise worship. Both were very active members of the church and complemented each other very well. A formidable friendship developed between them as they always sat next to each other at the various church programs and were always attentive. Gradually, their friendship blossomed into courtship and after a series of marriage counseling by their ebullient Pastor and mentor – Pastor Harry, they tied the nuptial note amid many felicitations. Many of the youth in the church looked forward to a similar fate and considered theirs a union that was “made in heaven.”

Bolurin was the perfect husband and within a year, the couple was blessed with a beautiful daughter – Itare. Amoni felt truly blessed and put her best into ensuring a stable and happy home for her young family. She always radiated joy and was loved by all her in-laws.

However, one fateful day, about three years into their marriage, Amoni was cleaning the room and found some strange objects under their matrimonial bed. She pondered in her mind as she turned them over in her hands…they looked like some kind of charm, a small wooden effigy with her passport photograph attached. No…she thought. I must be dreaming. It cannot be what I am thinking. There must be a logical explanation to this she mused as her thoughts raced on. Could this be the reason Bolurin preferred to clean up the room himself? He would always volunteer to do so at the weekend while she was busy in the kitchen or doing the grocery shopping. They had never kept anything from each other or at least so she thought, and so she resolved to confront him with her latest find.

Later that evening after treating him to his favorite meal of fufu and melon soup (egusi), she surfaced the effigy and gently demanded “Bolurin, what is this and what was it doing under our matrimonial bed?” Bolurin was dumbstruck and the much-expected response failed to form as he struggled with how to explain. Eventually, he found his voice, and with feigned rage to cover his embarrassment, he yelled…” Why were you nosing around? Why were you looking for what is not lost?” This response irked Itare and their first really serious argument ensued. Bolurin lost his composure and told her in no uncertain terms that there was nothing wrong with ensuring they remained together and that before their marriage, he had taken the names and pictures of three girls he had considered as alternatives to becoming his potential wife to some diviners and prophets and each one had picked her as the perfect match. “Has not the marriage worked?” He asked.” I was told to always keep that effigy under our matrimonial bed to ensure that the love remains evergreen.”

A stunned Amoni kept staring at Bolurin as bile welled up in her bowels. She felt like retching and quickly dashed into the bathroom. “Who is this man I have been living with? How could I have missed this part of him? What kind of Christian is he? He appeared to exhibit all the outward signs of Christianity and was versed in all the doctrines but then…this…how does it relate with what he professes? What else has he done which contradicts the faith he professes…Hmmm,” she sighed and came out into an empty room to find that Bolurin had already taken his car keys and she could hear him revving his car engine as he drove out. She pondered her next steps and decided she would have a long discussion with their pastor the next day. She needed to know what Bolurin genuinely believed and what other steps he had taken, for her sanity’s sake. She knew she was strong, and the Lord would help her overcome the shock, but she also needed to know her next steps. She remembered the scripture…Can two walk together except they agree? Could they come to terms with their beliefs? She knew where her faith lies but she now doubted that Bolurin felt the same way. With all he knew about the Christian faith and walk, could she reasonably expect a change? It meant he had pretended to believe all along, how much else about their relationship had been pretense? Was this enough basis to call for a separation or was it a call for soul winning? Just then she realised that little Itare(their daughter) had been waiting by her side for her bedtime story and a goodnight kiss. Amoni shook herself out of her reverie to do the needful. Certainly, Pastor Harry had enough experience to guide her aright, and even if only because of little Itare, she decided to give the marriage her best shot.

If you were Pastor Harry, what would you advise?

Love

Havilah