Last Sunday was Father’s Day – a day to celebrate fathers worldwide and I was in my church bright and early to join in the celebrations. As I walked into the church premises, I encountered a handful of millennials and genzees in a heated discussion about fathers. Part of the exchange is captured below:

Molara shook her head and asked, “What is all the hype about Father’s Day? My father has not impressed me over time. He never meets my financial needs and Mum has had to pay my fees through school. Instead, he comes home most nights drunk and goes into a brawl with Mum. Even as a kid, he was never available for me, and the entire family scampered away whenever he returned from work. He was brash and hardly had time for pleasantries, how much more conversations. We literally feared him because he was adept with the cane, never hearing our side of any report.”

Bopo interjected with “Nevertheless, he is your father and for that reason alone, he should be celebrated. Mind you, your mother could never have had you without your father’s contribution.”

An embittered Molara responded “Aah…the real question is who is a father? The fact that he contributed his sperm to my formation does not make him a father but a sperm donor. After all, today, there are sperm banks, and the donor may not be identified as the father of the child he physically fathered. The Father would be the person who brings up the child and plays a fatherly role in his or her life.”

Bopo retorted “Well I do not know about you Molara, but I have a father worth celebrating. My father showered me with love from a tender age and showed me care. He always had kind words for me and encouraged my every move. He has been my greatest “Cheerleader,” and I would not have been this successful in life without him. He indeed is my hero and my first admirer. My mother comes a close second but honestly, if there is to be reincarnation, I would not want any other person to father me. “

Just about then, we settled into church for the day’s program, but the short conversation had set the stage for my thoughts and learning points. The program highlighted Fatherly attributes and expectations from a father. F-A-T-H-E-R was described as an acronym for the following:

F- Faithfulness. A father is faithful to the mother of his children, his entire family, and all those he relates with. He displays integrity, honesty, and dedication.

A – Attention. He is attentive to the needs of his family, be they Financial, Emotional, Physical, or Spiritual. He has a listening ear and gives timely and wise direction. He is responsive to their needs.

T – Teaching and training his children to trust God. He teaches them Spiritual truths and participates in their moral and spiritual upbringing. He inculcates the right values in them.

H – Head. He is the head of the family unit and leads the family in the way they should go. He leads by example, makes the right decisions, protects his family from every form of external aggression, and acts as the Priest of the home, leading on Spiritual matters. He keeps the family altar active.

E – Empathetic. He understands and shares the feelings of his family. He encourages them and urges them on. He provides a willing shoulder to lean on.

R – He is Resolute and strong.

The all-encompassing thread that runs through all these attributes is LOVE. A father does everything with love and even when he must discipline it is in love. I could not help assessing my father on these attributes and I was pleased to smile with a confident nod that despite his imperfections, he scored creditably well. May the Lord help our men to meet up to expectations.

Love,

Havilah

Ebere and Kiemute had been married for eight years, fervently praying to be blessed with the fruits of the womb, when the opportunity to adopt a child opened up around them. They lived in a predominantly white community and preferred to adopt a child whose looks would not be radically different from theirs. Ebere taught at a community college where she met Belinda, a young girl of African descent who was carrying an unwanted pregnancy, courtesy of her ex-boyfriend, a black South African. Ebere and Kiemute quickly commenced the adoption process to enable them access to the child after delivery. They monitored the pregnancy closely and ensured Belinda was well cared for. However, to their astonishment, Belinda gave birth to a Caucasian brunette baby girl. How could this happen? DNA testing showed the black South African to be the father. After much debate and prayers, Ebere and Kiemute agreed to proceed with the adoption but not until they had received some answers to the puzzle. It was confirmed medically possible.

Ebere and Kiemute lavished love and affection on their daughter who they named Hazel (the colour of her eyes) and to their pleasant surprise, Ebere conceived two years later and birthed a baby brother – Brian. Brian was visibly black and as the family moved around the city, there would be stares and whispers by people who were trying to fathom the family relationship. Hazel is now four years old and Brian two and Ebere realises that there may be a need to explain their circumstances to the children and she wonders…at what stage? If only Hazel was black, she would probably not need to inform her that she is adopted.

Foluke, an accomplished professional in her field of endeavour, married a widower, (Bobade) with three children. Unfortunately, the accident which had claimed the life of the first wife of her husband had rendered him impotent. She however desired a child of her own and they both agreed to use a sperm bank. The IVF was successful but Foluke and her husband were surprised when she gave birth to a son with multiracial features. Their findings later indicated that the donor was from a mixed heritage which had resulted in the unusually light skin and pointed nose of their son. Needless to say, tongues wagged as to the likelihood of infidelity on the part of Foluke although, Bobade was quick to ignore the comments. Nevertheless, Foluke wondered what explanations to give her son and his siblings as they grow older and relate to the outside world.

Undoubtedly with various multiracial marriages and technological advances in child procreation, we expect to see a lot more “splashes of colour within families.” The implication is that the mindsets of uniformity within the family will have to change and people will learn to expect and accommodate multiracialism without question.

Back to Ebere’s case. What would you advise in her circumstance, especially given the beautiful, splash of colour in their midst? Hers will certainly need some explanation to prepare the children for some of the embarrassment they would be faced with in school or other public fora.

Love

Havilah

Mama Ephraim had always advocated that her son Ephraim, should only marry a lady he impregnated before marriage. This was borne out of her experience. She had waited ten agonising years before she gave birth to Ephraim, her only child. It was therefore with reluctance that she had welcomed Nonye who was not only from a different culture but was adamant about retaining her virginity till marriage. Ephraim and Nonye had met at the youth fellowship and shared the same ideals. The wedding ceremony between the couple was successful despite some hiccups occasioned by disagreements between the parents as a result of differences in culture, orientation, and temperaments. The couple had felt that what mattered was that the marriage ceremony had been consummated and Mama Nonye felt a sense of relief. A couple of months later she called Mama Ephraim to rejoice with her on her birthday only to be rebuffed by her with the words  “Oh, I don’t celebrate birthdays. Nevertheless, thank you o.” Mama Nonye was nonplussed but attributed the reaction to the fact that Nonye was yet to take in. About ten months later, Nonye gave birth to a set of twins (male) and Mama Ephraim was over the moon. The couple was relieved and so was Mama Nonye. The next hurdle however, was the naming ceremony for the twins. While Mama Nonye had agreed with the couple to have their Pastor handle it, Mama Ephraim insisted it had to be done the traditional way in the home of Papa Ephraim. Their family traditions had to be adhered to and much as this went against the grain of Mama Nonye’s beliefs, she allowed it in the interest of peace.

Next came the issue of who stayed over to care for the mother and newborns. Mama Nonye called to inform the couple she would arrive at their house the next morning only to be informed that Mama Ephraim was already there. She explained that it was her right as the mother of the lady who put to bed to be there. According to their custom, she was right and argued that she understood her daughter’s physiology and best knew her needs. Meanwhile, Mama Ephraim replied that her custom made it mandatory for the husband’s mum to be the one to take care of her wife and newborn grandchild. Both grandmas arrived and had to share the only guest room available.

The differences were myriad and spanned trivialities like whether the table was set for dinner with place settings or whether the food was placed at the table for each person to serve as and when they felt like to what type of food to serve the new mother. Over time, the in-laws got to understand each other and realised that neither one was “superior” to the other and that for the sake of their children, they needed to live in harmony and relate respectfully with each other.

This was the foundation on which Nonye started her ministry – a special counselling ministry for would-be in-laws where she breaks down the essence of having a cordial relationship and working collectively to assist newlyweds settling into their homes. As she put it “We always concentrate on changes couples must go through hence the counselling sessions, but we neglect a very crucial component of intra-in-law relationships and how they impact the couple. Their relationship or non-relationship (if I may) can be a potential brewing cauldron for a troubled marriage. Two families with divergent backgrounds, values, traditions, cultures, and temperaments get thrown together (remember that unlike the couple they did not choose each other) and must learn to be respectful to each other and relate in love. There are three component parts to the counselling sessions:

1. God’s injunctions to show love to all of humanity.
2. The Impact on the peace joy and prosperity of their children (the couple).
3. The importance of civility in relationships. The more the interaction, the better they understand where each person is coming from. They must be open-minded and not pre-empt or interpret each other’s actions or inactions.”

Havilah believes that counselling the parents of intending couples will help reduce some of the friction that could arise, post-wedding and help improve relationships. Just my thoughts! I would like to read from readers regarding their experiences and/or opinions on this topic, please.

Love

Havilah