Mama Ephraim had always advocated that her son Ephraim, should only marry a lady he impregnated before marriage. This was borne out of her experience. She had waited ten agonising years before she gave birth to Ephraim, her only child. It was therefore with reluctance that she had welcomed Nonye who was not only from a different culture but was adamant about retaining her virginity till marriage. Ephraim and Nonye had met at the youth fellowship and shared the same ideals. The wedding ceremony between the couple was successful despite some hiccups occasioned by disagreements between the parents as a result of differences in culture, orientation, and temperaments. The couple had felt that what mattered was that the marriage ceremony had been consummated and Mama Nonye felt a sense of relief. A couple of months later she called Mama Ephraim to rejoice with her on her birthday only to be rebuffed by her with the words  “Oh, I don’t celebrate birthdays. Nevertheless, thank you o.” Mama Nonye was nonplussed but attributed the reaction to the fact that Nonye was yet to take in. About ten months later, Nonye gave birth to a set of twins (male) and Mama Ephraim was over the moon. The couple was relieved and so was Mama Nonye. The next hurdle however, was the naming ceremony for the twins. While Mama Nonye had agreed with the couple to have their Pastor handle it, Mama Ephraim insisted it had to be done the traditional way in the home of Papa Ephraim. Their family traditions had to be adhered to and much as this went against the grain of Mama Nonye’s beliefs, she allowed it in the interest of peace.

Next came the issue of who stayed over to care for the mother and newborns. Mama Nonye called to inform the couple she would arrive at their house the next morning only to be informed that Mama Ephraim was already there. She explained that it was her right as the mother of the lady who put to bed to be there. According to their custom, she was right and argued that she understood her daughter’s physiology and best knew her needs. Meanwhile, Mama Ephraim replied that her custom made it mandatory for the husband’s mum to be the one to take care of her wife and newborn grandchild. Both grandmas arrived and had to share the only guest room available.

The differences were myriad and spanned trivialities like whether the table was set for dinner with place settings or whether the food was placed at the table for each person to serve as and when they felt like to what type of food to serve the new mother. Over time, the in-laws got to understand each other and realised that neither one was “superior” to the other and that for the sake of their children, they needed to live in harmony and relate respectfully with each other.

This was the foundation on which Nonye started her ministry – a special counselling ministry for would-be in-laws where she breaks down the essence of having a cordial relationship and working collectively to assist newlyweds settling into their homes. As she put it “We always concentrate on changes couples must go through hence the counselling sessions, but we neglect a very crucial component of intra-in-law relationships and how they impact the couple. Their relationship or non-relationship (if I may) can be a potential brewing cauldron for a troubled marriage. Two families with divergent backgrounds, values, traditions, cultures, and temperaments get thrown together (remember that unlike the couple they did not choose each other) and must learn to be respectful to each other and relate in love. There are three component parts to the counselling sessions:

1. God’s injunctions to show love to all of humanity.
2. The Impact on the peace joy and prosperity of their children (the couple).
3. The importance of civility in relationships. The more the interaction, the better they understand where each person is coming from. They must be open-minded and not pre-empt or interpret each other’s actions or inactions.”

Havilah believes that counselling the parents of intending couples will help reduce some of the friction that could arise, post-wedding and help improve relationships. Just my thoughts! I would like to read from readers regarding their experiences and/or opinions on this topic, please.

Love

Havilah