Last Sunday was Father’s Day – a day to celebrate fathers worldwide and I was in my church bright and early to join in the celebrations. As I walked into the church premises, I encountered a handful of millennials and genzees in a heated discussion about fathers. Part of the exchange is captured below:
Molara shook her head and asked, “What is all the hype about Father’s Day? My father has not impressed me over time. He never meets my financial needs and Mum has had to pay my fees through school. Instead, he comes home most nights drunk and goes into a brawl with Mum. Even as a kid, he was never available for me, and the entire family scampered away whenever he returned from work. He was brash and hardly had time for pleasantries, how much more conversations. We literally feared him because he was adept with the cane, never hearing our side of any report.”
Bopo interjected with “Nevertheless, he is your father and for that reason alone, he should be celebrated. Mind you, your mother could never have had you without your father’s contribution.”
An embittered Molara responded “Aah…the real question is who is a father? The fact that he contributed his sperm to my formation does not make him a father but a sperm donor. After all, today, there are sperm banks, and the donor may not be identified as the father of the child he physically fathered. The Father would be the person who brings up the child and plays a fatherly role in his or her life.”
Bopo retorted “Well I do not know about you Molara, but I have a father worth celebrating. My father showered me with love from a tender age and showed me care. He always had kind words for me and encouraged my every move. He has been my greatest “Cheerleader,” and I would not have been this successful in life without him. He indeed is my hero and my first admirer. My mother comes a close second but honestly, if there is to be reincarnation, I would not want any other person to father me. “
Just about then, we settled into church for the day’s program, but the short conversation had set the stage for my thoughts and learning points. The program highlighted Fatherly attributes and expectations from a father. F-A-T-H-E-R was described as an acronym for the following:
F- Faithfulness. A father is faithful to the mother of his children, his entire family, and all those he relates with. He displays integrity, honesty, and dedication.
A – Attention. He is attentive to the needs of his family, be they Financial, Emotional, Physical, or Spiritual. He has a listening ear and gives timely and wise direction. He is responsive to their needs.
T – Teaching and training his children to trust God. He teaches them Spiritual truths and participates in their moral and spiritual upbringing. He inculcates the right values in them.
H – Head. He is the head of the family unit and leads the family in the way they should go. He leads by example, makes the right decisions, protects his family from every form of external aggression, and acts as the Priest of the home, leading on Spiritual matters. He keeps the family altar active.
E – Empathetic. He understands and shares the feelings of his family. He encourages them and urges them on. He provides a willing shoulder to lean on.
R – He is Resolute and strong.
The all-encompassing thread that runs through all these attributes is LOVE. A father does everything with love and even when he must discipline it is in love. I could not help assessing my father on these attributes and I was pleased to smile with a confident nod that despite his imperfections, he scored creditably well. May the Lord help our men to meet up to expectations.
Love,
Havilah
Havilah Speaks 
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getting excited to celebrate your father solely depends on the type of father you have. It is important to note that any man can be a father but not every father can be a Dad. Fathers can be perceived as sperm donors as Molara said and maybe do basic duties every father should do. However a dad is so much more than that! A dad builds a great relationship with their child and bonds with them. Supports them emotionally, financially, mentally and in any other way possible. It is not just about fathering children it is also about bonding with them so that they can trust you and rely on you. They can always count on their dad being there for them. Your children should not be afraid of you. You can be held in reverence by your children without presenting yourself as some sort of monster that should be feared.
Everyone’s experience is different. Everyone’s perception of what a good father means depends on their relationship with their fathers. Some fathers barely meet the attributes stated by the acronym above.
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Interesting write-up. There are fathers who are definitely heroes or villains. They remain fathers, however, if they contributed the sperms that produced the offsprings whether they are known or unknown.
The definition of the acronym F-A-T-H-E-R made in a church setting has the spiritual bent to it as expected. I, however, don’t see how this completely defines who a father is. It seems to have described a responsible sperm donor that has unfettered access to the offspring in question with the full support of the partner in the production of the offspring. Whether the sperm donor is known or not, responsible or not, he remains the father.
A man is recognized by the sex organ and remains that. Whether he is responsible or not cannot determine the sex.
What Molara stated was based on her expectations and she is free to conclude he was villain. He, however, remains her father and , the word of God admonishes us to honor our father and mother, not just the ones judged to ‘responsible’.
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Give honour to whom honour is due,
Responsible or not a father remains a father. Ask people who can’t identify with any one as a father
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I feel the key phrase which said it all was “despite imperfections” a man who has certain characteristics and which he puts to good uses in the life of a child willbe a father figure to that child whether the biological father or not . Nobody is perfect. Indeed single mothers who are switched on understand the role they have in being both father and mother to their children when the defacto dad is absent . The villain or hero narrative of fathers is an important one in understanding enabling positive environments for nurturing children to adult and beyond. However we do need to understand fathers’ behaviours that are not helpful and stunt family growth and child development and how to mitigate the harm those negative behaviours can bring.
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