I was invited to felicitate with Binta at her granddaughter’s child dedication and as I saw the proud parents making the rounds of greetings, I rejoiced with them for the bundle of joy. However, I pondered how ready they were for raising a child in today’s world.

In the past, parents were primarily concerned with education, food, shelter, clothing, proper upbringings, religious affiliation, and protection from external aggression including sexual predators. Today, however, there is the additional concern of protecting the sanctity of our children in a morally depraved world or as a friend put it, a morally bankrupt world. As my thoughts drifted away from my immediate surroundings, my attention was caught by a nearby scene. An elderly lady had sent a young child to a nearby supermarket for wrapping paper and the child had returned with the wrapping paper and promptly pocketed the change without recourse to the sender. The lady berated the child on his actions, but he remained unremorseful and returned the change to her grudgingly. When interrogated about his action, he justified it by saying, it was his just compensation for running the errand and she could afford it anyway.

My thoughts switched back to the challenges of the digital age for proper upbringing. As parents get busier with providing the essentials in an inflationary economy, they must not lose sight of the mentoring and training process for the children if they are to be useful to themselves, their families, and society at large. How will children be protected from themselves with so much access to pornographic sites on screens—phones, tablets, personal computers, television screens, etc.? Another thorny matter is the emergence of gender identity issues which has been cascaded to children’s TV programs and movies. Exposure to the role of influencers in social media and various uncensored content creators, further places children at risk of imbibing the wrong values.

This calls into question the right age for exposure to phones, laptops, and tablets. Can their use be properly censored to prevent abuse? What of peer influence and its attendant effects? The questions are myriad, but our 21^st-century parents must take these matters seriously as they navigate the digital era. I believe gadgets will have to be considered on a need-to-have basis and cannot be dependent on peer influence. Parents will also have to devise means of monitoring their children’s exposure to content especially what may be considered damaging to their development.

Undoubtedly, religious bodies also have a role to play even as worship and other programmes have developed an online presence. The right doctrines must be taught, and children brought up in the way of the Lord. Above all, parents must not neglect the place of prayer in the lives of their children and must expose them to it from an early age. May the Lord grant parents, grandparents, and all who care for children, the wisdom to navigate these times and help them raise children who are worthy of emulation.

Love

Havilah

Edwina was a young, pretty and intelligent girl of nineteen, who passed her Secondary School Certificate with flying colours but could not continue her education as a result of a lack of sponsorship. Her parents were farmers in the village and Edwina was constrained to assist them in their palm oil trade. That December, Ikemefuna, a young man from their town who lived “in the abroad” as he was often described, came home (to the village) to celebrate Christmas and ran into Edwina who was running an errand for her father, it was love at first sight.

First, a few words about Ikemefuna: he was a young man in his late thirties who had left his town in search of greener pastures “in the abroad” some seven years before. He had done odd jobs, married a citizen, had a daughter, and had recently divorced his wife. He had come home for the Christmas celebrations with the primary motive of searching for a wife.  Immediately he set his eyes on Edwina, he decided…this is SHE! He proposed to her and shortly after the traditional marriage rites were performed and Edwina became Ikemefuna’s wife. However, in her naivety, Edwina omitted to inquire more deeply about her husband but was both excited at being married and more importantly, at the prospects of travel.

After about a year, all immigration formalities concluded, Edwina was able to join her husband who having recognised her promise, worked hard to sponsor her education. Edwina studied programming and ended up in one of the “Tech” companies where she quickly ascended the corporate ladder. She was earning mega dollars while Ikemefuna was still doing odd jobs to make a living for his family. Initially, Edwina would fund the joint account with Ikemefuna for the family’s expenses but after a while, her tastes and expectations were different, and she furnished a lavish lifestyle from a different personal account. All attempts to restrain Edwina and maintain his authority as head of his home which now comprised two sons and his daughter from the previous marriage, failed. He became emasculated and frustrated. He regretted the marriage and hated who she had become. He became depressed and was on anti-depressants until one day, he decided he would end it all.

As Edwina dressed up to attend an office event one evening, Ikemefuna approached her room and insisted that as her husband, he was demanding that she should not attend the event. Edwina merely laughed him in the face and dared him to stop her if he could. An enraged Ikemefuna calmly walked into his room, pulled out his gun, and shot her three times from behind. By the time the children rushed out of their rooms to find out what was happening, he had shot himself also. They found their mother and father on the ground with so much blood. They called for both the police and ambulance. The medics were able to resuscitate Ikemefuna, but Edwina was dead on arrival. Of course, Ikemefuna paid for his crime as he was sentenced to jail for premeditated murder and the children taken over by social welfare. Could this disaster have been avoided, I would say – YES.

Similar scenes appear to play out every day and it appears we never learn from them.

1. Wisdom dictates dating for a while to have some background knowledge about an intended spouse and to better understand their character.
2. Spouses should seek mutual improvement and upliftment and not rely on one partner to be the “sole” provider. It can be tedious.
3. They should see themselves as equal partners in the relationship with each bringing something to the family relationship.
4. They should submit one to another in love regardless of inequality in social status, income, or enlightenment.
5. Where irreconcilable differences exist, it is preferable to have a separation or even divorce.
6. Most importantly, the need to have God in the centre of a marriage must NEVER be overlooked and to seek Godly counsel when unsure.

May the Lord help our unions even as we lay them in His hands and grant us the patience to allow Him to handle things. Amen.

Love

Havilah

Molly had recently lost her husband in tragic circumstances. He left home for work that morning in high spirits, hoping to sign a multi-dollar contract. En route to the client’s office, he was trapped in the lift. Unfortunately for him, he suffered an asthma attack and before help could reach him, he had suffocated. Molly had been beside herself with grief. The days ahead appeared hazy and she lived through each day like she was in a trance. Banji had been such a wonderful partner, and she struggled with thinking of him in the past tense. Memories of the good and not-so-good times crisscrossed her subconscious. How would she break the terrible news of their father to their twin boys – TeeTee and Kenny, who were due back from boarding school in a week? They worshipped their father. Molly shuddered at the thought of how the children would react, even as she relived her reaction when she was first informed.

A knock on the living room door roused her from her reverie as she gently whispered, “Please come in.” It was late evening and as she sat in the enveloping darkness, she had felt too drained to switch on the lights. She barely made out the form of a young lady accompanied by a young girl of about the age of ten. She quickly snapped on the light switch which was within reach and exchanged pleasantries with the visitors. After expressing her condolences, the lady summarily introduced herself as Ore, the mother of Banji’s daughter, Ibukun. A perplexed Molly muttered “Which Banji…daughter…I don’t understand” to which Ore responded with an instruction, “Ibukun, greet big mummy.” The shock and consternation were evident on her face, but she managed a wry smile and waved the little one to a seat. Drained emotionally, she adopted the mode of silence as she awaited the return of Banji’s sister, who had gone out to pick up a few confectionaries.

Ten minutes later, Oye (Banji’s sister) sauntered into the room and Molly did a brief introduction of Ibukun as Banji’s daughter. Oye laughed and responded “Molly, you were always a comedian. Cut out the joke…this is no time for jokes. Daughter hm, from where to where? I know my brother well.” After some discussion among the three women (having excused Ibukun to have some ice cream in the dining room, Molly persuaded Oye to allow Ibukun to participate in Banji’s funeral, subject to a DNA test to determine paternity, immediately after the funeral, to which Ore agreed.

After the funeral, Ore reneged on the promise to release Ibukun for the DNA test, insisting that it contravened her religious belief. Oye however insisted that for Ibukun to be absorbed into Banji’s family, the DNA test had to be done, and she volunteered to be matched since her brother had been buried. Moreso, she queried how the child could have been hidden for ten years with neither family (immediate or extended) nor friends aware. Ore’s reaction threw a poser “How are we even sure that your DNA matches your brother’s? Without making insinuations, I am being practical about this.” An enraged Oye mouthed a stream of expletives and stormed out of the house. She, however, later listened to the voice of reason that saw it as a logical argument.

The question of paternity is increasingly a topical one and women must be faithful to their partners and establish the paternity of their children in their father’s lifetime. This will facilitate acceptance and a sense of identity as family members become acquainted and bond with such children, regardless of the circumstances surrounding their conception. It behooves mothers to shield their children from the trauma that can be associated with questionable paternity.

Love

Havilah