Marjorie invited me over for brunch one Saturday and it was clear she had lots on her mind as she sometimes seemed far away. After some gentle probing on my part, she blurted out…”Havilah, I have been rapping myself on the head over something that I felt could have been better handled. I felt I could have extended more help to someone I met on the streets, but unfortunately, I recently learnt that he had passed on.”

“It is no use crying over spilt milk, my dear,” I replied, ” but can you tell me about it? It may help you feel better. “

Marjorie smiled and took two sips of her smoothie before starting her story. While taking her daily walks she happened upon a gentleman who consistently roamed her route in a manner she regarded as aimless. He would often give her a smile and later appeared to summon the courage for a fleeting “Good morning.”( This did not come as a surprise to me as Marjorie often appeared intimidating with her huge frame and stern look.) She had however observed him, and her intuition was that this person was an educated and possibly enlightened person, but something must have gone wrong with him. On a particular occasion, she observed him staring into a nearby canal and she pondered about what was going through his mind. One day, she suddenly realised that she no longer saw him on her route and hoped things were well with him. About a month later, she ran into him again and decided to stop and enquire about his welfare. She informed him that she had not seen him in a while and hoped all was well. She watched his face light up as if he were excited that someone cared to have noticed his absence from the street. He informed her that he had been ill and did not have adequate funds for the treatment. She then gave him her phone number to send his account details, then continued on her walk. When she returned home, she saw his message and credited his account with some money. He called back to acknowledge receipt, and she felt fulfilled at offering the assistance. Shortly after, she undertook an official trip that kept her out of town for roughly four months. When she returned, she continued her walks but did not see her newfound friend and kept hoping that he was better.

About four days before our little rendezvous, Marjorie received a strange call from someone who was not on her contact list. Receiving calls from unknown persons was not strange because of her profession, however, the call left her distraught. Her new friend’s daughter was going through his phone and trying to reach his contacts to inform them of his demise. Apparently, he had passed shortly after her act of kindness. Just maybe, if help had reached him earlier, he would still be alive.

I reassured Marjorie that her kindness was probably much appreciated and possibly made a difference to his emotional state. “When it is time…it is time.”

Marjorie’s story however reminded me of the second stanza of Glen Campbel’s song – Try a little kindness.

“Don’t walk around the down and out.

Lend a helping hand instead of doubt.

And the kindness that you show every day.

Will help someone along their way.”

Love

Havilah!

As Yahaya sauntered into the house, he observed that the house was in darkness as usual. He was glad he had stopped by at his usual spot to cool off with a couple of beers and enjoy the ambiance before driving home. It was ten minutes past midnight, and he was looking forward to feasting on Hauwa’s excellent cooking as usual. He flicked the torch on his phone and headed for the dining table. To his amazement, the table was bare, and he was immediately filled with horror…this was unlike Hauwa, what could have happened. He practically ran into the room and hurriedly woke her up only to be greeted with “Oh you are back?” Having assured himself that Hauwa was fine, he asked menacingly “Hauwa, what is the meaning of this, where is my food?”

Hauwa replied with a question – “where are you coming from at midnight? I expect you have had dinner to come home at this time, especially since you have constantly neglected to contribute towards our upkeep in this house,” An incensed Yahaya swung out to hit her but missed his target and landed on his knees. “Hauwa, I have often told you that from the day you became my wife, I obtained the right to good and timely meals, sex on demand, and several other rights. I refuse to be deprived!” he yelled.

Hauwa laughed in his face and responded –”Rights without Responsibilities, who ever heard of that? You have consistently failed in your responsibilities whether spiritual, financial, social, or otherwise, but you are always quick to demand your perceived rights. I cannot believe how self-centered you are. Rather than collectively solving our power issues, you would rather fuel your comfort and leave us in the heat…your excuse – you cannot stand the heat. I was born to suffer ehn? Yahaya, you need to review your perceived rights side by side your privileges and responsibilities. Some of what you perceive as rights are in fact privileges and can be withdrawn or withheld where the conditions precedent is unfulfilled.”

Hauwa relayed the incident to Havilah a couple of days later and set me on an expedition regarding Rights, Privileges, and Responsibilities and how they relate to marriage/relationships. The expedition took me to Meta AI where I gleaned the following information.

The relationship between Rights Responsibilities and Privileges is crucial in understanding individual freedoms, social norms, and civic duties.

RIGHTS are inherent and inalienable. They can be defined as fundamental entitlements accruing to individuals and are often enshrined in constitutions, laws, and Agreements.

They protect from harm, abuse, oppression, and discrimination.

They grant freedom and autonomy, enabling individuals to make choices, express themselves, and pursue their goals.

PRIVILEGES are special benefits or advantages granted based on status, position, or circumstances.

They are not inherent or universal and can be revoked or modified. They can be earned or lost.

RESPONSIBILITIES are duties and obligations often in exchange for rights or privileges.

Individuals are accountable for their actions, decisions, inactions, and impact on others.

Responsibilities encourage individuals to participate in the well-being of their communities and societies.

From the above, it would appear that responsibilities exist in marriage whether or not you want to view what accrues from the marriage as a right or a privilege and it is important that both parties fulfill their responsibilities. I however feel that the mode of communication by both parties leaves much to be desired.

Havilah nonetheless welcomes your comments on this topic for a better understanding of it.

Love

Havilah

This is by no means a summary of that famous book by Charles Dickens, which is similarly titled, but please read through it to understand my choice of title.

Arike recently retired as a Deputy Director of Administration in a parastatal at the mandatory retirement age. If she had a choice, she would have preferred to continue in that comfortable position, enjoying the perquisites and trappings of her position. Fortunately for her, her two children were well settled in life and lived in the diaspora, although she lost her husband about five years prior. Arike felt confused, distraught, and afraid of the uncertainties ahead as she was retiring into a void. Luckily, she had a home jointly owned with her late husband back in their hometown. She had not felt the need for a house in the city since her office had always provided accommodation. She had no other assets as far as she could tell. After careful consideration, she decided to relocate to the “village” where she surmised that the stipends from her children, her gratuity, and her pension would have to stretch to meet her upkeep. She dreaded the decline in standards she would face but decided with a shrug, to bite the bullet.

A couple of months after relocating, she stood at the portals of the church when she noticed a sleek Chauffeur-driven jeep pull into the church premises. Who would emerge other than her childhood friend Didi? Their eyes met and Didi hurried toward Arike with a smile and a loud “Arikus…ah, is this really you? What are you doing back in town?” Just then, the service started, and the two friends agreed to catch up after the church service.

After church service, the conversation continued in earnest and Arike informed Didi that she recently relocated to the village having retired, and realised it was in her best interest to enable her to keep her body and soul alive. She needed to make the best of her gratuity and pension. She was cutting her coat according to her size.

Didi took a deep breath and exhaled slowly …” Haba, that is no way to think. There is so much potential in this town. Why don’t you navigate the opportunities and let us see how I can assist? I retired as a mid-level manager of a multinational corporation about eight years ago and returned home. I now wish I had done so much earlier. While at work, I identified the tourism potential of our town and decided to go into the hospitality business and gradually expand into resort facilities, and honestly sis, I am not complaining one bit. I am much more comfortable than when working and I currently manage a staff strength of about sixty persons.” As Arike alighted from Didi’s jeep, she promised to consider more deeply, the opportunities available in the environment  especially since she had been promised assistance.

In the confines of her room, Arike berated herself for:

1. A lack of preparation for her retirement. She had worked hard and put her all into her job. The hard work had paid off in terms of promotions and the heights achieved but she had neglected preparation for the period after. No side engagements, or investments.
2. She ignored her God-given talents which can be made to generate income for her. Her artistic gift could certainly do well in a souvenir shop for the teeming tourists. She also knew the terrain like the back of her hand and had the historical information for the various tourist sites. She could set up a company of tour guides to take tourists around for a fee.

She thanked God and Didi under her breath as she started realising the potential to which she was previously blind. She had previously banished herself to a lackluster life but now she was filled with vigour and the will to seize available opportunities. She determined to pray for God’s direction and guidance as to which of the options to pursue, before approaching her children and Didi for help. Indeed, her town was a “Tale of two cities”…The drab one as previously perceived and the exciting one full of potential as she now saw it. It certainly depends on which side of the coin you are viewing!

Love

Havilah