Myna’s story reminds me of a play I watched some decades ago titled “A Streetcar Named Desire.” The story started similarly to Myna’s, where a young lady named Blanche lost her husband when he committed suicide as a result of her discovery of his homosexuality. To Myna’s story, which is the focus of today’s post.

Myna, an amiable and energetic young lady, married Buba (her husband) at the age of twenty. Buba met her during her National Youth Service Year when she served with the bank where he worked as an AVP (Assistant Vice President). Despite the age difference of twelve years, Buba, a suave, smooth talker, appeared to be head over heels in love with the young, naïve Myna. A year after they met, they were married, and their marriage seemed to be the kind on which fairy tale marriages are patterned. Myna was the envy of all her friends and acquaintances. However, fifteen months into the marriage, Myna is faced with a shocking discovery that has her head reeling and her world crashing around her.

That morning, as she prepared to attend her visa interview at the embassy, she suddenly realised that she had left home without her passport and hurriedly sped home to retrieve it. As she swung into the driveway, she spotted Buba’s car parked in the driveway. She pondered his return home, especially as she saw no sign of his trusted driver, Ahmadu, lurking around. Without losing focus, she headed straightaway for the master bedroom, intent on picking her passport from the bedroom safe, but as she opened the door, her gaze fell on a spectacle that left her dumbfounded. She gasped and steadied herself with the console table – thinking, her eyes must be deceiving her. This could not be her Buba and their steward Jeff, locked in this “nude ecstasy.” Her head spun as she regained her consciousness and headed for the safe. Buba was oblivious of her entry, and it was the slamming of the safe door that triggered his realisation of her presence. Myna glared at Buba and walked out in silence, a sequence of emotions, taking turns – anger, disappointment, betrayal, self-condemnation. Would she ever trust him again, let alone any man?

In her car, she placed a call to her “bestie,” Monica, who drove her to the interview, after which her emotions got the better of her and she broke down in tears. She agreed to spend the night with Monica to give her an opportunity to clear her head and rein in her emotions before confronting Buba. All his phone calls were ignored as she played back what she had seen and tried to understand why it happened. Obviously, it was not the first time. Buba had consciously kept his little secret throughout their dating period. The way he fawned over her, she could never have guessed. She was suddenly reminded of the times she came calling and Jeff would come out of Buba’s room hurriedly, sweating. Buba always had an explanation – “he was cleaning the room, or was called in to assist with something or the other. She now understood why he had rejected the suggestion of a female aide to replace Jeff or to work alongside him. He had been up in arms…”You cannot trust these girls. They are largely husband snatchers using both hook and crooked methods. Some even get diabolical in a bid to achieve their aim. Alternatively, you may be unwittingly providing Jeff with a wife, which may affect the quality of service rendered. Let us keep it this way, dear.”

Myna was in a quandary. Should she talk it out with Buba, should she walk out on him, or… Simply ignore what she had seen, after all, he loved her, and she was expecting his baby. Who could she discuss this with without impugning his character and placing him in jeopardy? As she took a sedative, she prayed, “Dear God, please teach me what to do. Help me make the right decision for us and our unborn child.”

If Myna were to approach you for advice, what would you say?

Love

Havilah

Nonyelum, the tenth child and only girl born to a subsistence farmer father in the village, was initially despised by her mother, who was anticipating the traditional honour usually given to women who were able to have birthed ten sons. At her naming ceremony, however, the Dibia (traditional Diviner) took a deep breath after carrying her in his arms and exclaimed, “This child has an impressive future and will be the saving grace of not just her family and community but will make an impact on the world.” How that would happen seemed far-fetched, especially since her parents were poor. Nonye’s parents emphasised the training and education of the boys, leaving Nonye to help their mother at home and attend church on Sundays. Nonye’s inquisitive and intelligent nature caught the attention of the Reverend Sisters at the village Catholic church, who decided to sponsor her education at the Catholic primary school. There, she earned the nickname “the goldfish.” She was so intelligent that she earned a scholarship covering both tuition and boarding fees at the High Brow Government School in the nearby city. Just before she left the village, in her bold and brazen manner, she walked up to her principal and demanded to know why she was referred to as the Goldfish.

Nonye possessed an insatiable curiosity, much like a goldfish exploring every nook and cranny of its tank. She was always eager to learn and discover new things, whether it was the intricate patterns of the stars in the night sky or the hidden secrets of the forest. Her eyes sparkled with wonder as she delved into books, asked endless questions, and embarked on tasks that took her beyond her comfort zone. She was resilient and adaptable to change, displaying an amiable disposition that worked well for her in all the relationships she forged…at school, work, church, socially, in family circles, etc. Like the goldfish, she was always identified…no hiding place! While in Secondary school, she honed her debating skills, athletic abilities, acting, etc. She was an “all-rounder” and represented her school in several capacities. Her Leadership capabilities were discovered and honed as she was the “Head Prefect” in her set, which set the tone for greater responsibilities in her work career.

It was not always rosy for Nonye as in her private life, she experienced challenges. Her marriage to Charles was fraught with frustration as she put in her best but that never seemed enough. Nevertheless, she faced life’s challenges with a positive outlook and an unwavering determination. When her first child died in mysterious circumstances and her husband walked out on her because he could not manage her success, Nonye’s resilience was evident in her ability to bounce back from setbacks, always ready to face whatever came her way with grace and tenacity. Admired and cherished by family members, both immediate and extended she displayed a unique ability to make others feel valued and cherished, spreading warmth and joy wherever she went.

Her gift for detail endeared her to so many as she never forgot a name or a face, and was wont to remember situations and circumstances, recalling the tiniest details about conversations, places, and experiences. Her friends often marveled at her ability to recall the lyrics of every song she had ever heard or the plots of books she had read years ago. Nonye’s keen memory and diligence allowed her to excel academically and, in her career, forming deep, meaningful connections with everyone she met.

Nonye’s unique attributes did not go unnoticed. A Goldfish, it is said, has no hiding place, and so she became a beacon of hope and inspiration for her community. Her curiosity led her to spearhead local educational programs, encouraging children to explore their passions and pursue knowledge with enthusiasm. Her resilience inspired others to face adversity with courage, knowing that they could overcome any obstacle. Nonye’s radiant energy brought people together, fostering a sense of unity and belonging – A Legacy of Goldfish Qualities.

As years passed, Nonye’s influence continued to grow. She became a beloved figure, known far and wide as the girl with goldfish qualities. Her story inspired countless individuals back in her village to embrace their unique attributes and celebrate the qualities that make them special. Her legacy lives on in the hearts and minds of those whose lives she had touched. Today, Nonye is the President of one of the United Nations bodies. She did not allow her humble beginnings to limit her vision and destiny.

Love

Havilah

Mrs. Gbemudu, a publicly visible personality, a vocal and regular voice on radio, has an only daughter, Evelyn, who was attending a high brow primary school in the city. Sadly, though, Mrs. Gbemudu had consistently failed to pay Evelyn’s fees for two terms, despite several opportunities to do so. She was not in financial distress. It was just not her priority. This being the third term, the principal of the school – Mrs. Petgrave – was left no option than to issue Evelyn a “stay at home “ order, pending the payment of her fees.

Mrs. Gbemudu’s reaction was to storm the principal’s office and withdraw Evelyn from the school. She then proceeded to enroll her in another school at the other end of the city. Given the unusual timing for a school change, Mrs. Gbemudu told the new school that she had just moved into town and had to move with her only daughter. However, unbeknownst to Mrs. Gbemudu, the principal of the new school had reached out to Mrs. Petgrave to obtain a referral as to Evelyn’s academic and moral records. This was precipitated by the interview between the Head teacher and  Evelyn, during which Evelyn let the name of her old school slip. The Headteacher used the Internet facilities to locate the address of the school. To her amazement, the school was located in the same city. She revealed her findings to the principal, who decided to send an e-mail to the school requesting Evelyn’s academic and moral record.

The response to the new Principal was, “Unfortunately, we are not in a position to provide you with the requested records because her fees have remained unpaid. When the debt is liquidated, we will respond.” Consequently, Evelyn was turned down by the new school, and Mrs. Gbemudu was informed that Evelyn’s previous academic and moral records were required, but her previous school was not forthcoming.

A furious Mrs. Gbemudu stormed out of the principal’s office and stormed into Evelyn’s previous school, where she yelled, “How dare you! What you have done is tantamount to defamation of my character, and I will ensure it is aired on radio. This calumny will not go unchecked, and you will hear from my lawyer.”

Incidentally, Mrs. Gbemudu was a keen participant in radio programs often condemning corruption and castigating government officials and agencies for their role in corruption.

The principal of Evelyn’s previous school felt threatened and concerned about the negative impact Mrs. Gbemudu’s action could have on the school. Could she be sued for defamation of character and what rights, if any, cover her? Suddenly, she remembered one of the maxims of equity she had come across while in school. “He who comes to equity must come with clean hands.” Can Mrs. Gbemudu’s action be considered fair and just in neglecting to liquidate her debt? Does refusing to co-operate with the new school with relation to furnishing requested information constitute an actionable offence? Maybe she should have been silent on the reason for her reticence. What do you think?

Love

Havilah

It was a Parent/Teacher forum at one of the high-brow Secondary schools, and the set agenda had been adequately dispensed with, and it was time for the Any Other Business (AOB) segment. As soon as the segment was mentioned, Mrs. Badru, Sekina’s mum, shot up her hand and almost immediately was on her feet. She was at the meeting to complain about the disciplinary measures meted out against her daughter for bullying. Sekina had appropriated lunch served for two other students to herself, causing them to go hungry. Although she did not applaud the behaviour of her daughter, Mrs. Badru argued that it must have happened because the food portions were small. Immediately, an uproar erupted in the hall as parents mouthed their differing opinions about the complaint. In order to bring a semblance of sanity into the hall, the gavel was applied, and parents were allowed to air their views in an orderly manner. Of the various comments made, the lengthy submission made by Barrister Tonworio Jack held sway.

He started by stating clearly that Sekina was wrong, and if she was hungry, she should have taken her dissatisfaction to the authorities rather than deprive others of their entitlement. It shows that she has the wrong values, and she clearly displayed a lack of consideration for others. This, he continued, is the bane of society and smirks of self-centredness. He went on to expostulate further, “There has been an erosion of values over the years, and we sometimes complain that the “genzees” are apathetic, but it is our fault. We cannot give what we don’t have, and there has been a generation where Civic education was totally erased from our educational curriculum, and parents failed to fill in the gaps. Our children no longer feel a compulsion to assist the physically challenged and impaired, vacate their seats for the elderly and pregnant women, or assist in other ways. There is a concerning lack of empathy. What do we expect when parents are seen displaying a total lack of consideration for other road users on the road? Bus drivers stop and take off at will, Zebra crossings are considered mere markings, traffic codes are violated with impunity, and even the courtesy of greetings is ignored. Social events are not left out of the degradation as adults hoard food, drinks, and party favours that are meant to be distributed, collecting multiples and thereby depriving others. The list goes on. To curb this rapid decline in our societal values regarding courtesy, respect, tolerance and empathy, schools have the responsibility of teaching these values and enforcing compliance, which I am glad, the school seems to have done in this case.”

In support of Barrister Jack’s views, Professor Abubakar shared his experience. He was patiently awaiting his turn to pay for a few items he picked up at a supermarket when a young lady cut in front of him and expected to make payment for her purchase. He was initially stunned but found his voice and pointed out that there was a queue, and he was next in line. She replied lackadaisically that she had only one item, which was why she felt she could jump the queue. An elderly lady who had been watching interjected, “You shouldn’t assume, but you should have asked him politely.” I was completely mystified when  the young lady turned on her, asking her to mind her business as she wasn’t the person involved.” Another parent, Mrs. Gbajumo, also had an example to cite. Her car broke down, and she needed to make an early appointment, so she boarded a Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) bus. Because it was rush hour, the bus was crowded, and a few people were standing. Those standing included a heavily pregnant woman and an old man with a walking stick. She immediately vacated her seat for the elderly man and requested a seated student to vacate his seat for the pregnant woman. The boy’s response was to look away and mutter,” My leg is paining me.” Under his breath, he continued, “As if I did not pay for my seat.” The house decided that the discipline meted out to Sekina was justified and commended the school’s efforts in inculcating the right values in the children.

A visibly humbled and embarrassed Mrs. Badru, walked out of the hall, her head bowed in embarrassment.

Havilah is, however, of the opinion that “charity begins at home” and that the efforts of the educators should complement that of the parents and vice versa. After all, if we don’t train them, we cannot blame them for unethical conduct.

Love

Havilah

Some years ago, while attending a work seminar, the question was asked: What do you consider to be the number one requirement for a successful relationship in the workspace? It so happened that of all the solutions bandied, EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION emerged as the answer. It is important to note that in ALL relationships, effective communication plays a significant role in the success of the relationship – whether Parent/Child, Teacher /Student, Employer/Employee, Superior/Subordinate, Husband/Wife or even Colleagues and Peer group.

Recently, Paula, a lady in her late fifties, was astounded when her husband, in his characteristic manner, sauntered into the kitchen where she had breakfast served on the kitchen Island and was brewing the accompanying coffee and responded sharply to her light banter. She merely teased him with “Benebo, it appears you are ravenous this morning?” His sharp response was, “What happened to good morning? I notice that you never wish me a good morning.” She felt taken aback but managed to stutter, “But you are always still sleeping when I leave the room to fix breakfast. You come in to meet me; what stops you wishing me a good morning first?” To this, Benebo reeled out, “It means you lack home training.” Paula held her peace but retreated into thought as they ate their breakfast in awkward silence.

Paula searched the past and realised that since they got married some thirty-seven years before, it had never been the practice to wish each other a good morning. In the early months before the children were born, she had to leave early for work while Henry still slept as he had a later resumption time. Consequently, by the time they interacted, “good morning” was no longer relevant. They, however, greeted each other with pecks, hugs, and banters. Fast forward to the period of child rearing, while he slept, she hurriedly prepared the children for school, and even when she requested that they pray as a family, he was reluctant to disturb his sleep and eventually excused himself from the family prayer time. Consequently, they never developed the routine of wishing each other a formal good morning, talk less of praying together and sharing experiences for the day. Now, they are both retired and homebound, and the effect of years of lack of effective communication is rearing its head.

Havilah opines that Communication lies at the building blocks of successful relationships and should commence first with God. We must call on God and thank him first thing in the morning. Collectively approaching him as a family is encouraged as the scriptures make it abundantly clear that prayers are more effective where a minimum of two are gathered to pray in unity of purpose. Our first “Good morning” is to our creator, even before we get out of bed. Subsequently, communication between a couple should take place. My opinion, though, is that communication does not have to be through words or formal. The closer the relationship, the less formal communication tends to be.

Back to Paula and Benebo. It appears that effective communication is lacking. Benebo is probably feeling uncomfortable about their communication or lack of it and is reacting with his outburst. It behooves Paula to seek an appropriate time to broach the subject matter, and both parties must make a conscious effort to wrong the mistakes of the past through effective communication.

To further help Paula and Benebo, your advice will be most welcome. It can be sent to the comment section of this post. My take is that several marriages are experiencing similar challenges, and our advice may assist in the resolutions.

Love

Havilah