Month: June 2025

NADIA

/ Motunde Dada / 1 Comment

While rummaging through some items to which I have been sentimentally attached over the years, I came across the sleeve of a cherished musical album that made waves half a century ago. The South African album – Ipi Tombi! (Did I hear a chuckle…wow, half a century ago?) Well, it got me thinking about one of my favorite songs in the album, titled Nadia. Nadia told the story of a young man who had to leave his village, leaving behind his wife, three children, and aged parents, to seek greener pastures in the city, with the hope of providing them with a better life. It captures the concerns, uncertainties, and cultural shock, but ends on a hopeful note of achieved expectations and a reunification with the family. That was the trigger I needed to recall the common incidence of employee migration and its sometimes-unintended impact on families, resulting in fragmented family lives. Take the case of Boye and Ike.

Boye, married to Linda with two beautiful children in Secondary school, lost his job due to “rightsizing” by his employers, and for two years, try as he may, he couldn’t secure a job. Linda was, however, cooperative in maintaining the home to tide them over the rough patch. In the third year of unemployment, he got a mouth-watering offer in Zambia and proceeded with the intention of long-distance commuting to keep the family unified. This was agreed with Linda, who felt unsure about leaving her lucrative job for the unknown in Zambia and had concerns about the impact on the children’s education. Boye thought he had it all under wraps, and for about a year, everything worked out just fine. Thereafter, the visits home came at longer intervals, and Linda could not make the trip over with the children except at Christmas. Boye attributed the reduced visits to his workload and his work-related responsibilities in other regions. By the time the children gained admission to the university and Linda saw the need to relocate to Zambia, she discovered that he had a daughter through an ongoing relationship in Zambia. Although this was deeply disconcerting to Linda, wise counsel prevailed, and she was able to win back her husband and accept the addition to the family.

Ike, on the other hand, was seconded by his company to serve in their regional office in Egypt. His wife, Morenike, was apprehensive about how the move could affect the family, so she quit her job and insisted that they relocate along with the children. Unfortunately, when she arrived in Egypt, the terrain was difficult for her, and obtaining a job proved impossible. She tried her hand at business enterprises but was equally unsuccessful. The situation put a strain on their relationship at home, resulting in Ike spending less time at home. Before she knew it, she fell into the temptation of having an extramarital relationship. This shattered the core of their relationship, with both parties putting up appearances for the public.

Havilah realises that employee migration is inevitable in a world that is fast becoming a global village, but the pros and cons must be weighed carefully, expectations spelt out and executed, and discipline and restraint exercised. Of course, numerous families have successfully charted the course of employee migration and have reaped its benefits. It, however, could put a strain on marriages and families and must therefore be carefully weighed and agreed upon before embarking on it. There is certainly no “One cap fits all,” and each family must consider their peculiarities before taking such decisions. As we migrate in search of greener pastures, let us bear in mind the words of my favorite piece…” Look at that bright star, always remember under that same star we’ll be together.”

Love

Havilah

RELINQUISHED RESPONSIBILITIES?

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Sunday was another Father’s Day, and Fathers were celebrated worldwide. As I listened to the charge for the day at my local church, I could not help but ponder a few things. A quick summary of the charge is required to enable you to connect the dots. The message to men highlighted their responsibility from three dimensions:

  1. Responsibility to family. The biblical instruction to provide for their family was stressed.
  2. Love for their wives.
  3. Raising their children with love and guidance rather than anger and frustration.

While ruminating over the charge later that day, I remembered two families who, some years back, had been acquaintances of mine at various times. My attention was drawn to the first responsibility, from the charge i.e., provision for the family.

The Bello family was a family of four comprising mother,  father, and two children. Mrs. Bello was the sole financial contributor to the family as her husband believed that, since she was financially capable, he should leave EVERYTHING to her – House rent, electricity bills, school fees, maintenance of the house, cars, etc. Whatever he earned was spent entirely on himself, and he saw no reason to do otherwise. While shirking his responsibilities towards his family, he still insisted that she fulfil hers in terms of household chores and mentoring the children. This continued for years with the wife bearing all responsibilities grudgingly. However, after the children left home, she filed for divorce, and it was only then that Mr. Bello realised his folly. When questioned about his reason for abdicating his responsibilities, he said he felt it was only fair that the person with the better financial package bear the responsibility, after all, the two had become one. His response was, “God continued to bless her, but things were not working out for me.” Mrs. Bello, on the other hand, explained that in the early days, she had implored him to put whatever little he had down for running the home, but all her pleading was ignored. She had then struggled to meet up with the responsibilities and found that over time, she received favour in all her endeavours, and things turned around positively. I then counselled him that “relinquished responsibilities result in relinquished blessings,” and because there is no vacuum in nature, God raised up his wife to fill the vacuum. It was a learning point for Mr. Bello as he was determined to right the wrongs by taking up responsibility for the home. Luckily. Mrs. Bello was ready to give him another chance.

For the Gbenros, it was an analogous situation in which Mrs. Gbenro was largely responsible for most of the spending. Unfortunately, despite Mr. Gbenro’s efforts, he was unable to secure a job. He, however, accepted employment far below his level to enable him to contribute to the family’s finances. He was not lazy and assisted in every way he could, thus winning the love and respect of his family. It was never evident to third parties who provided the finances, and the Gbenros exuded love. About 15 years into the marriage, fortune smiled on Mr. Gbenro, and he was blessed and favoured with employment that more than made up for the lean years. Obviously, he never relinquished his responsibilities even in the lean years. He had his challenges, but he did the best he could and earned the love, understanding, and cooperation of his wife.

Although today’s message may be tagged a Father’s Day message, it applies to all parents…RELINQUISHED RESPONSIBILITY ATTRACTS RELINQUISHED BLESSINGS. May we all be guided to play our roles.

Love

Havilah

CALMING THE STORM

/ Motunde Dada / 2 Comments

Keppy and Adia met during their NYSC (National Youth Service Corps) year and dated for six years thereafter. The delay in contracting their proposed marriage had been due to a series of challenges faced by Keppy, ranging from the challenge in gaining employment to the loss of his only brother. During the six years, Adia was exposed to Keppy’s family, both immediate and extended. At the end of the six years of the relationship, Keppy informed Adia that he was quitting the relationship. Adia was heartbroken, and after relating the situation to her mother, she was advised to discuss it with Keppy’s parents. (Unknown to Adia, the breakup was fostered by her prospective mother-in-law, Keppy’s mum).

When Adia approached Keppy’s mum on the subject, her response sent shock waves down her spine, as she was advised to lick her wounds and accept the decision. She then approached his dad, who washed his hands off the issue, advising that they settle their differences without third-party interference. Adia was totally devastated; she felt she had wasted six years of her life living in a fool’s paradise. There was, however, one beacon of hope – Keppy’s aunt Bertha, who loved them both dearly. She sought her out and, in answer to her prayers, Aunt Bertha encouraged and facilitated the reconciliation. While wading into the “crisis,” she discovered that her sister, Keppy’s mum, had sought the services of a prophetess to determine the suitability of the couple for each other and had been informed that Adia would walk out of the marriage if she did not die at childbirth. This had scared Keppy’s mum and prompted the hostility toward Adia.

Aunty Bertha facilitated the union, to the chagrin of her sister, insisting that after committing the couple in prayers, she was convinced that they were a perfect fit. They were united in marriage, but the marriage was fraught with an unwelcoming and sometimes belligerent attitude from Keppy’s mother. Adia tried everything she could to win back her place in her mother-in-law’s heart, but it only got worse.

Fast forward ten years, with two lovely sons added to the family, Keppy’s mum was riddled with a debilitating disease and forced to live with Keppy and Adia. Adia showered her with love and care, bending over backwards to make her feel comfortable and welcome. She related to her as she would her mother because she understood that Keppy and she were an indivisible unit, and consequently, his mother was hers as well. Her two lovely boys also needed the affection and love of their grandma, and that could only be engendered by the way she related to “mama,” as she fondly referred to her. Her unreserved display of love and care, wrought in “mama” a strong feeling of guilt at the treatment she had meted out to her over the years, and so one day, when Keppy and Adia were back from work and the children safely in bed, she approached them and craved their forgiveness. “It was out of ignorance,” she blurted out. Adia went to her with a smile and warm embrace, responding gently, “You had long been forgiven. Mama, I want to make a confession…your attitude was what spurred me to work at my marriage and ensure its success at all costs. Sometimes, challenges are the wind under our wings we need to fly. I thank God for our family.”

Love

Havilah

RESPECT FOR THE INDIVIDUAL

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Have you ever skipped a day, I mean, omitted a day? I woke up this morning, thinking, hey… It is Wednesday, and Havilah needs to speak. I get on the laptop and realise it is Thursday, 5th June, not Wednesday, 4th June. All due apologies to my avid readers.

Feranmi was born into an upper-middle-class family with many domestic staff ranging from the gardener, steward, and cook to a personal maid. Her maid, Omawumi, was responsible for laundering her clothes among other tasks, and ensured she was impeccably dressed at all times. It therefore came as no surprise that Feranmi often won the neatness badge for her class. Her pleated uniform was always well starched and ironed, making her the envy of most of her classmates. It was indeed a feat to beat the sharp, clear edges of the pleats in her uniform with just the right amount of stiffness. The uniform was a complicated combination of box and side pleats that proved a challenge to most.

One evening after Omawumi had finished ironing Feranmi’s uniform, she took the ironed uniform on a hanger to Feranmi’s room. Later in the evening, Feranmi inspected the uniform and yelled out for Omawumi in an angry tone. Immediately Omawumi appeared, Feranmi started berating Omawumi and lashed out with angry words. Despite Omawumi’s apologies for the less-than-perfect state of the uniform, which she attributed to her ill health, Feranmi raged on. She raked up such a fuss that Feranmi’s mother was roused from her siesta and was forced to inquire about the cause of the rumpus. Feranmi immediately pointed to the uniform hanging in her wardrobe and blurted out, “Mom, see what Omawumi expects me to wear to school. How can I win the neatness badge with this?”

Feranmi’s mother was enraged at her daughter’s actions. She exploded, “Feranmi…you are insolent! Apologise to Omawumi immediately! Not only is she older than you, but you have no right to talk to her this way. You do not pay her salary, so you have no right to demand anything from her, and she is not answerable to you. Respect is reciprocal and if you want to be respected, you must respect others. Going forward, you must launder your school uniform yourself so that you learn to respect and appreciate the labour she puts into ensuring she feeds your ego. She is the person who deserves the Neatness badge because it is the direct result of her efforts.”

Feranmi’s mother ensured that Feranmi laundered her uniform herself and went through the frustrations of variability in starching results, coupled with the challenges of wrinkle-free ironing. After five fruitless attempts, Feranmi apologised profoundly to “Aunty Omawumi” and became much more respectful. She had learned to appreciate people’s efforts and respect for them, regardless of status. She had learnt respect for the individual.

Feranmi’s story reminds me of one of the Core Values of a company I once worked for. RESPECT FOR THE INDIVIDUAL was one of its core values, and it was emphasised. The resultant impact on overall productivity as a result of this value cannot be overstated. Staff were enthusiastic to put in their best efforts to achieve corporate goals.

It is therefore important that we instill this value into our children and ourselves, and it starts from how we as parents treat people around us, especially those in a lower social status than ourselves. May the Lord teach us the right things to do.

Love

Havilah