Month: July 2025

AGEING WITH GRACE

/ Motunde Dada / 2 Comments

Two high school friends Dehinde and Bodunrin found themselves side by side in the same hospital ward and were pleased to catch up after several years of not having contact. As Bodunrin exclaimed, “Dehinsman, where have you been? I cannot believe this is you after so many years. How long has it been….55 plus years? By the way, Faramade should be visiting me here in another two hours or so. He will be thrilled to see you”, he continued. After that, the two of them went into a long discussion, catching up on happenings and the whereabouts of classmates with whom they were in touch. As the discussions progressed, they shared experiences, but one common thread was inadequate preparation for the aging process, particularly as it relates to challenges regarding health, finance, and self-care/love.

Dehinde was the first to bemoan his situation. Having lost his first wife at the age of sixty and unable to cope alone, his family had insisted that he remarry. He ended up with Bisola (his current wife), who bore him a son, Mobolurin. Mobolurin, who is now thirteen, is an intelligent child and livens up his day, but he is greatly concerned about providing his financial needs, especially as his pension, which barely meets their living expenses. In the past fifteen years, the pension has remained static, oblivious of inflationary trends in the economy. It gets more difficult to cope by the day, and with the added burden of his health challenges, it gets worrisome. Dehinde recently had brain surgery, impacting his nutritional and medical needs, which have placed additional pressure on his finances. “I wish I had envisaged the situation and prepared adequately. More disturbing is the fate of my young son”.

Bodunrin nodded in acquiescence. “I agree with you Dehinsman. If anyone had told me years ago that I could end up with prostate cancer requiring so many procedures, laboratory tests, and medications, I would have doubted. Healthcare is probably one of the most important needs of aging and is extremely expensive to manage. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer some five years ago, and it has been a challenging and expensive journey since then. It has been chemotherapy, radiotherapy, periodic tests, and medications. All the hospital visits and laboratory tests I ran away from in years past eventually caught up with me when I had the diagnosis. To alleviate some of the symptoms, I have had to support my treatment with alternative medicine to improve my well-being. None of these comes cheap. I thank God for a supportive family, especially the children who have been impressive in providing financial assistance, without which I would probably not be here today”.

As Bodunrin rounded up, they both looked towards the door of their shared space, as if on cue, Faramade breezed in with springy steps. He had just returned from a Mediterranean boat cruise with his wife, children, and grandchildren. He appeared to be in the best of health as he pulled up a chair to sit beside Bodunrin. As he sat down, Bodunrin introduced him to Dehinde, whom he had not seen since they all left high school. Faramade peered at Dehinde before yelling, “Dehinsman, is this you?” The trio then reminisced about school days when Dehinde used to rule the tracks, representing the school in relay races. Dehinde shook his head in amazement as he asked Faramade for the secret behind his youthful agility, to which he replied jokingly, “It is arguing each case with my wife.” He then went on to explain that God had blessed him with good health, except for the occasional aches and pains, and he did not take it for granted. Nevertheless, on his own part, he managed his blood pressure and diabetes by taking his medications and doing his medical check-ups as needed. He explained that he had been a protagonist for check-ups and follow-up treatments over the years. His advice to his friend, Bodunrin had always fallen on deaf ears as he was considered obsessed with health and spent too much of his resources on healthcare, eating right, playing golf, and self-care. He concluded by stating that the aging process must be prepared for from all angles – spiritually, financially, health consciousness (healthy nutrition, habits, and exercise), self-care and emotional wellbeing. All these impact on one’s comfort in old age and with God on one’s side must be carefully planned for.

The three friends nodded in agreement and went on to discuss the proposed set anniversary scheduled to be held soon.

Love

Havilah

THE WINDOW

/ Motunde Dada / 1 Comment

Seated at the reception lobby of a hospital a few days ago, I witnessed some incidents which got me thinking about the generation Alpha and their parents. At the hospital, I watched two young mothers manage their three-year-old babies and it got me thinking…hmmm.

The first mum left her three-year-old boy causing a cacophony by bouncing her phone charger on the metal chairs. Oblivious to him and his antics, she watched a movie on her phone, unconcerned until the “young man” started yelling to use the bathroom. Her response was a calm, ” pee on yourself – you have diapers on.” The grandma in me screamed…after potty training him all you can say is pee on yourself? Why did you bother training him? I restrained myself from uttering a word and was glad at the boy’s insistence which eventually got her up from her phone to take him to the bathroom. The second mum had just returned from the treatment room with her daughter who was crying her heart out and all she could do was try to appease her with biscuits, chocolates etc. all to no avail. The little one refused to be bribed as she cried even louder calling for her daddy. At this point, I could no longer hold my peace as I turned around and asked – “are you, her mother? Just hug and pet her.” As I spoke, a matronly woman in her middle age, seated beside her reached out to the girl and nestled her in her bosom. The little girl stopped crying and was rocked into silence.

Both ladies left me still seated in the lobby and I played over what I had just witnessed in my mind. The questions that befuddled my mind were –

  1. Which way humanity? When did it matter more to a mother to watch a movie than to pay attention to a child who was begging for attention? The child was obviously bored which was why he had been disturbing the peace with loud clanging of the metal chairs, but she not only ignored him but was insensitive to the comfort of others present in the lobby.
  2. Why would a mother encourage a child who was toilet trained to pee in their diaper when the facility had toilets? Was it laziness or lack of understanding? The answer – your guess is as good as mine.
  3. What has happened to the motherly instinct of instinctively cuddling a hurting child? Have we become so insensitive that we now replace caring with material benefits. Why would a mother’s immediate reaction to a wailing child be to offer a “pacifier” lacking the warmth of an embrace?
  4. What would we then expect from children who are raised without the attendant care reminiscent of motherhood especially as they live in a world of robotics? Are we raising “Human Robots” or human beings? May the Lord help us.

If we fail to enable the right bonding from infancy, what happens when the pressures of providing for them catch up on us. The problem with some teenagers is defiance. Parents seem to have replaced love and care with provision and sometimes with material possessions and the teenagers are rebelling because all they need is to be relevant in their parent’s lives. They then seek that relevance elsewhere which may lead them into dangerous waters. When the parents start feeling the pain, it is seen as a way of getting back on them for perceived deprivation of love and care. Let us hope it does not end in disaster for the family.

As we look out through the open window, we have a responsibility to correct erring parents and remind them that their responsibilities transcend provision and material possessions can never replace the bonding required between them and their children.

Love

Havilah

CRYING IN THE RAIN

/ Motunde Dada / 3 Comments

Mairo is a pretty, smart, lithe lady with a bubbly, effervescent personality, attracting all manner of people to her – young and old, male, and female. She has a magnetic mien that is difficult to resist. Shafi, her younger sister, on the other hand, is the quintessential opposite – quiet, shy, reserved, plain-looking, and unexciting. Two things, however, stand out about Shafi: her very caring nature and her domestic excellence.

Shafi met BeeJay on her university campus, where she was studying Information Technology while BeeJay was pursuing his master’s degree in business administration. For the first time in her life, Shafi formed a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex. She found in BeeJay someone she could relate to and confide in. Shafi blossomed under their friendship and her grades soared. She became more visible with an added spring to her steps. This was a new Shafi, and her world took on a new dimension, that is, until she introduced BeeJay to her darling sister, Mairo.

Mairo lived in a bustling megacity, an hour’s ride from Shafi’s campus, where she worked with a successful Tech start-up. An excited Shafi invited BeeJay over to Mairo ‘s place, where she usually spent her school vacation and it was an interesting time as Mairo and BeeJay appeared to bond well. A satisfied Shafi was happy that the two dearest and most important people in her life seemed to get along well, and she happily left them to chat while she retreated into the kitchen to do what she did best – whip up a delicious meal for everyone. While in the kitchen, she recalled her anxiety about BeeJay and Mairo getting along. She loved BeeJay, although she had not discussed that with him and as for Mairo, she could do anything for her because she stepped in to fill the void since their mom passed on five years prior.

Little did Shafi know that this meeting would be her undoing and that it would shatter her peace. The meeting sowed the seed of a relationship between BeeJay and Mairo that would eventually lead to a marriage proposal. They were a compatible pair with common interests and values and goals. Mairo recently informed Shafi of the development and their intentions, which have left Shafi devastated. She feels torn apart as she wrestles with her feelings of joy for her sister (after all, BeeJay is the “perfect guy” every woman’s dream man – her sister deserves the best) and her feelings for BeeJay. He was the best thing to have happened to her and even though they had merely remained friends with him encouraging her on life’s journey, she secretly desired and hoped for a deeper relationship. She fantasized about marriage to him. This news from Mairo was indeed heartbreaking and she had scoured the internet for a song that adequately captured her mood and situation. She was listening to the lyrics of CRYING IN THE RAIN by The Everly Brothers and sobbing gently, soaking her pillow with tears, when Mairo sauntered in. Mairo was distraught to see her younger sister so distressed and sought to know the cause of her distress. Mairo refuses to back down, but Shafi is unsure about what to do. How would Mairo react to the truth? Would it put a damper on the relationship between all three of them? Would she be able to get a grip on her feelings for BeeJay? She listens to the last stanza of the song and with a forced smile, sings out to Mairo…”

Someday, when my crying is done,

I’m gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun.

I may be a fool, but till then, darling.

You’ll never see me complain.

I’ll do my crying in the rain.”

Havilah asks – what would you advise Shafi to do?

Love

Havilah

Elderly Blues?

/ Motunde Dada / 2 Comments

Papa and Mama Tembu had lived very energetic and fruitful lives in their professions as a University Professor and Radiologist, respectively. Having hit 70 and 67 years respectively, they decided to retire from the bustling capital city in which they had spent most of their adult life, back to the suburbs where they built their retirement home. This meant a gradual reduction in activity. Two years after the move, Papa Tembu was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and Mama Tembu had to take on his care. Within a year, Mama Tembu was involved in an accident while returning from an errand to the city on behalf of her husband and ended up with paralysis. This brought their three children (all diasporans) back home to make cogent decisions regarding their parents’ welfare. The older two were based in Australia and Japan, respectively, so the responsibility to coordinate their care fell on Funeka, the only female among them who was also closest in proximity, living in Germany. They employed a caregiver, cook, and driver, and Funeka coordinated efforts through daily phone calls and video calls, as well as an annual two-week visit when she could get time off work.

While Funeka tried her best to monitor events, there were some lapses resulting in undesirable consequences at times, as the paid personnel either omitted or neglected to fulfill their responsibilities effectively. She also discovered collusion from time to time and effecting personnel changes was never easy. Whenever she was on the ground or any of her siblings, the household ran smoothly, so they figured that the household needed closer monitoring to work effectively – a situation where someone could give surprise visits and take quick decisions. This proved difficult to resolve as most of their friends were resident in the city or abroad and occupied with earning a living. Extended family dynamics had changed with members being dispersed and a change in levels of education and socio-economic dispositions.

The children tried weighing the options. Do they :-

  1. Relocate the parents to live with one of them?
  2. Rotate them among all three of them?
  3. Relocate each separately?
  4. Place them in an institution for the elderly (if available back home)?
  5. Employ a Manager/Personal Assistant to manage their affairs?

Relocation brought along immigration related challenges, adaptation to an unfamiliar environment, as well as other considerations, while institutionalising them was fraught with emotional considerations. Could they trust a Personal Assistant to do his work, and how stable would such an arrangement be?

These are some of the challenges that beset the elderly today and reflect the reality of our times.

The Elderly often experience loneliness and disquiet as they reflect on some of these challenges as they respond to life’s changing circumstances. This state can oscillate between fleeting moments of nostalgia or loneliness and more enduring periods of quiet sorrow. As a result, the elderly may find it harder to reach out or maintain connections. Family and friends, unsure how to respond, might inadvertently pull away, deepening the isolation. Communication can become stilted, and misunderstandings may arise, further complicating relationships.

Aging is both a privilege and a challenge. The elderly blues, though tinged with sadness, are also a testament to love, memory, and the passage of time. By acknowledging this emotional landscape and responding with compassion, society can help elders find solace, purpose, and joy, reminding us all that every stage of life is worthy of dignity and care.

A parting word for the children – this is the time when love, understanding, care and sacrifice has to be shown in appreciation for all that was poured out on them by the parents. It takes careful consideration to enable the best decisions to be taken that will work for both the parents and children alike. Most importantly, it requires God’s guidance and wisdom. May the Lord help us all.

Love

Havilah

TILL DEATH DO US PART

/ Motunde Dada / 2 Comments

Oyin was having a “pity party” as tears streamed down her cheeks. She was overwhelmed by emotions as so many thoughts crowded her mind, each struggling for expression and recognition. She never would have predicted the events of the past six months when her world fell apart with the diagnosis of a stroke. But that paled in comparison to the recent shock which had devastated and shattered her world.

Oyin loved Suffy to a fault. She had worked hard at her marriage and sacrificed her entire life to ensure that Suffy and their two boys had lived a comfortable life. Suffy had faced challenges in keeping down a job over the years, and Oyin had worked two jobs for the longest time to facilitate their lifestyle as a family. She had virtually broken her back taking on extra jobs and opportunities for the benefit of all. For this, Suffy, the boys, and extended members of their family appeared grateful, and she had basked in that love until now. Six months ago, she suffered a massive stroke, which affected her right side extensively. She had been on the verge of retiring into a relaxed and exciting life. With both boys now done with school and some decent investment, she had thought…now was the time to enjoy life! Unfortunately, the expenses associated with her health condition were taking their toll on available finances, and she was becoming fearful. To her utter disappointment, Suffy’s attitude had exacerbated the situation as he neither made attempts to contribute to her treatment nor assist in sourcing viable options for treatment. Suffy appeared helpless in the situation, and Oyin was left to work out the solutions herself.

Suffy, on his part, was increasingly out most nights for “a night with the boys.” This, he explained, was his placebo for managing the pain and trauma associated with seeing his once vibrant wife, bedridden. Unfortunately, those outings opened up opportunities to meet some ladies, and Suffy was now in a sizzling relationship with Adijat. Suffy had tried to keep the relationship away from Oyin, but one of his friends, Kole, “carelessly” let the cat out of the bag during a telephone conversation he had with Oyin. This brought her to her current state.

“What happened to the vows we took …” in sickness and in health?” Did those words mean anything to Suffy at all, or were they mere words?” Oyin muttered to herself. After all, she had stuck with him when things were rough. She had vowed to stick the marriage out “For richer or poorer” and had done so. It hurt the more because she knew that her current state of health was a direct result of the stress and trauma she underwent just to make Suffy comfortable. Was this how he intended to repay her love? If the tide had turned, she would never have acted the same way. She would have remained steadfastly beside him to comfort and encourage him. If only she had missed Kole’s call, she thought, the adage goes that ignorance is bliss. She would not be hurting now. But then, his betrayal cannot remain hidden forever, she figured and decided to brace herself to see Suffy for who he truly is. The more she thought about it, the more convinced she became that Kole had intentionally passed the information to her, and it was not in error.

Love

Havilah