Have you ever tried to have an escape room experience? I had the privilege about a year ago when I visited an Escape room in the company of my young adults and not only was it fun, but it also taught me the importance of teamwork, especially as a family. It made me realise that family bonding harnesses individual talents to arrive at solutions. Everyone has something to offer.  No one has all the answers and sometimes the most ridiculous suggestion may just be the solution to the challenge.

So, what exactly is an escape room? It is a game – a fallout from the famous 2019 movie titled “The Escape Room”. This game involves a group of persons – family and or friends locked into an enclosure and given a time frame to escape from the environment. There will be obstacles and challenges strewn along the way that can only be overcome by combined effort. Sometimes, you may not actually complete the task within the time frame allotted but you would have given it your best shot.

A recent chat with my friend Romoke prompted my recall of today’s topic. This is her story.

Romoke is a widowed mother of two children in Secondary (High) School. She has just completed the construction of her residential building to accommodate herself and the children. After congratulating her, I asked if there were notable challenges she experienced while building and she responded:  “Haa…Havilah, there were challenges of supervision, pilferage, and shortage of funds but there is one I will never forget, hmm, it is good to have good children o”. She continued –“It was a Friday afternoon and I had miscalculated my funding requirements for the week. I would not have access to funds until the next Tuesday and my workmen were threatening to leave the site if they were not paid on or before the next day – Saturday. I was at my wit’s end as to what to do. I was owing everyone I could borrow from and if the workers left the site, getting them back to work would cause delays and hardship to access the next tranche of mortgage borrowing. All my pleas to the workers fell on deaf ears and I returned home totally deflated. Mope, the older of my children observed my mood and prodded me as to the reason. I opened up to her and she asked, me “Mum, how much do you need?” Upon my response that N30,000.00 would solve the problem she said I should stop worrying. She then walked over to her brother’s room and called for his piggy bank. Together, they broke their piggy banks and, you better believe it, they came up with N35,000.00 in change. My dear, N200 and N100 notes never felt so good. They saved the day! Incredibly, these children understood the problem to be a collective one and teamed up to provide the solution.”

A number of things struck me from Romoke’s story:

1. She had open communication with the children regardless of their ages. They knew about the project and were carried along.
2. She had taught the children the essence of saving for the” Rainy day” and they recognised the situation for what it was – a rainy day. They correctly evaluated the situation and provided a solution timeously.
3. The children understood the project as a collective one and saw the challenges as one that required collective input and participation in solving.

So, why did her story remind me of the Escape Room experience? These were my takeaways from that experience:

Anything that challenges one member of the family should be viewed as a collective challenge to which other members can proffer solutions. It enhances the bond.

Solutions should be offered in a timely manner in order to be effective. There are situations in which “Better late than never” is no good.

Empathy is a necessary emotion to be cultivated.

Everyone has unique talents and attributes which can be brought to the table to ensure solutions.

In summary, bonding experiences offer an opportunity to foster unity and understanding within a family. It enables you to observe the strengths, weaknesses, talents, etc. of the individual members and better coordinate them for the collective good. A bonding experience can range from the very simple like playing cards or other games to family vacations. There is always something to do together. Please do not undermine it!

Love

Havilah

Someone said Anniversaries are a time for cheers, the clinking of glasses and celebration, be they birthday, wedding, inauguration, or the like…yes? But they are also a time for reflection on what has transpired in the intervening period between anniversaries. It, therefore, comes as an exhilarating experience that Havilahspeaks has turned full circle to make it a year today since it hit the waves. While reflecting on this milestone, I cannot but appreciate ALL my readers who have taken out time to follow my episodes and served as sources of encouragement throughout the year. Special recognition goes to those whose inputs by way of comments and suggestions have in no small measure contributed to improving the quality of the blogs.

In consideration for those of us who have a preference for audio versions, as part of our anniversary package, Havilah will be launching an audio version. Watch out for it soon! Now, to today’s episode-

It would be Boma and Boulos’s 25^th wedding anniversary in a week and Boma was busy concluding with her childhood friends – Reni, Data and Penny on their proposed two-week vacation in Mauritius. This time around, Boma purposed to celebrate her wedding anniversary with her friends, away from Boulos.

Every year since their wedding, Boma had always craved celebration of their wedding anniversary but Boulos had always promised to celebrate landmark anniversaries. Boma quietly respected his resolve and would provide private candle-lit dinners with a bottle of wine every year. The landmark ones came and went without Boulos fulfilling his promise and it became routine for Boma to provide the usual candle-lit dinners. Boma repeatedly reminded him on the 5^th, 10^th and 20^th anniversaries and had determined that she was done with reminding him. As she made her plans regarding the forthcoming trip, Boulos felt certain he was included in the arrangements, after all, Boma had never missed being around him for their wedding anniversary in ALL of the 25 years they had spent together. This could not be different.

That night, dinner done, Boma laid out her travel plans to Boulos and that she would be away for two weeks. She went on to inform him that she had made adequate arrangements for his feeding and care in her absence and hoped he would enjoy his “space”.

A shocked and crestfallen Boulos could barely stutter “Why would you be away for our anniversary – the 25^th for that matter- don’t you think it is worth celebrating”? As Boma served his favorite dessert of pineapple upside down she replied “Oh really? I thought anniversaries are only meant to be celebrated with my special candle-lit dinners and wine. We can always do that when I am back but this time around, I need something memorable and my friends have promised to make it just that.”

Boulos replied “Babe…I am sorry, I took you for granted for so long, but I can’t imagine an anniversary without you. I will make it up to you just give me the chance”. To which Boma responded “I am sorry too Boulos but it’s too late to change my plans now. Everything is booked and paid for; besides, I will be letting my friends down. They have actually subsidised my expenses for the trip. Maybe we can celebrate the 30^th Anniversary, God sparing our lives or any other one you choose to”.

That said, a very pensive Boulos retired to the living room in contemplative silence determined to right the wrong. It was true he had always taken Boma for granted. She had been a good wife, mother and friend. She did not ask for much and deserved to be celebrated. Whatever it would take, he would surprise her by joining her in Mauritius for the anniversary. He called up Penny and discreetly obtained all the details of the trip then surreptitiously concluded his plans to arrive in Mauritius the night preceding the anniversary. He booked a room for the night at her hotel and at 6 a.m the next morning, he knocked at her door pretending to be the hotel staff checking on some detail regarding her room service order. A sleepy-eyed Boma walked to the door only to experience a rush of emotions ranging from shock to joy then confusion at seeing Boulos at the door. He swept her off her feet, planted a kiss on her lips and whispered “Happy 25^th Anniversary babe”. He later moved his things to her room and ensured that the special event he had arranged for her with her friends in attendance, took place. There he gave a speech extolling her virtues and ended it by kneeling on one knee and placing an Eternity ring on her finger. Was Boma THRILLED? Indeed, it was the 25^th wedding anniversary to remember!

Love

Havilah

Whitney walked into the Management Canteen of her company, a subsidiary division of a giant conglomerate, of which she was recently announced as the new Managing Director/ Chief Executive Officer. She was accompanied by Suku, a friend and fellow contestant for the position. A sudden hush fell on the crowded canteen at the unanticipated presence of the subject matter of their discussion making it difficult to continue their erstwhile conversation. Whitney had worked in various capacities with the group over the past 20 years and had proven her mettle. It was therefore no surprise that she emerged as the new Managing Director of the Food and Beverages Division after a keenly contested race for the coveted post. Suku, her closest ally had also been her stiffest competitor but Suku readily acceded to her superior abilities. After loading her tray with her preferred meal, she walked up to her favorite table and pulled up a chair. One of her colleagues at the table, Ifejika, bantered…” Madam M.D., you have left our league remember? You should join the table for the CEOs now o.” Whitney settled herself firmly in the seat and responded “Aren’t you guys forgetting something? You haven’t sent me forth yet o so till then, I remain a distinguished member of this table” she replied laughingly. With this, the edgy silence thawed and the usual camaraderie resumed.

Whitney could barely withhold her excitement as the official letter confirming her new status was handed to her after lunch and she rushed home to share the good news with her husband – Pedro. Pedro, a successful businessman with a chain of boutiques to his name, often operated from his home office and Whitney was sure he would be in the office. As she barged in through the door of his office, she did a rumba style dance and she handed him the letter with the words “Guess what dear?”. To her chagrin his response hit her like a slap in the face as he said in an off-handed manner “Congratulations, I hope you realise that the C.E.O position does not extend to our home.” Whitney beat a speedy retreat to the kitchen, served him his lunch and retreated to her study to ruminate. She quickly surmises that mounting the saddle of corporate leadership poses its own challenges, especially for a woman. These challenges must be carefully navigated to be successful. She acknowledges that she possesses both the capabilities and capacity to function successfully but realises that she must maintain a balance with relationships that could also impact negatively or positively on her performance. She broke this into 4.

1. Her relationship with her spouse. This she considers to be of paramount influence on her performance at work because she needs to have peace of mind for optimal performance. That can only happen if the home front works and she receives the necessary support from Pedro. She senses that she needs to work on this relationship, stemming from his initial reaction to the promotion, by making him comfortable with it. After all, he will be expected to accompany her on official social events and invitations. If she however fails to receive his support, she may need to steel herself and focus on getting the job done regardless. She has never failed in any assigned role or responsibility hitherto and believes she knows how to engender Pedro’s cooperation and support.
2. Her relationship with her two children. Both Tina and Peter are in the university and have an awesome relationship with their parents. They are doing well and making their parents proud. She expects the situation to continue and that they would not be a cause for concern at work.
3. Her relationship with her peers. She had always experienced cordial relationships and support from her peers as she always exhibited team spirit. No man is an island and she realises the importance of teamwork in achieving desired results. In spite of competition, her excellent interpersonal skills place her in good standing with her peers and she intends to maintain it that way.
4. Her relationship with subordinates further down the corporate ladder. Being a proponent of the strength in Human resources, she realises that this cadre of personnel can make or mar her results so they require careful handling. She determines to be an empathetic strong leader who is able to communicate a clearly defined vision and have it cascade down the ladder. She knows that consistent achievement of results will build employee confidence in her abilities but it should not be to the detriment of the people.

She concludes that as a woman, she should expect greater obstacles to success than her male counterparts because she must carefully balance home and work while gaining the confidence of her employees in a male-dominated environment. She however determines that it is achievable and sets her mind to it.

Two years later, Whitney is celebrated as the best performing C.E.O in the group and she is proudly accompanied by Pedro and the children, to the celebration event.

Havilah notes here that new opportunities are often fraught with challenges, but if properly analysed and thought through, success is achieved.

Love

Havilah

Keji was a happy, bright, pretty and intelligent young lady in her final year at the university. She was loved by her parents Peju and Raheem and seemed to have everything flowing beautifully for her, that is until she was involved in a motor accident while traveling back to school via public means of transportation.

Peju, a teacher in a government-run secondary school was busy invigilating promotion exams when her mobile phone rang and she was given the news that Keji had been involved in an accident. She was petrified but was more concerned about the effect of the news on Dauda. He absolutely worshipped his “little princess” as he often referred to her. She hurriedly called him to inform him and they agreed to go together to the hospital.

At the hospital, both of them were requested to donate blood as Keji needed to be transfused. The hospital had checked her blood group and found it to be B+, a slightly rare type so they concluded that either of the parents would probably be compatible. To everyone’s consternation, both parents were found to be A+. How could parents with blood group A produce a child with blood group B? As the realisation of the situation dawned on Raheem, he quickly got into his car and left the hospital to have a drink and clear his thoughts before taking a decision on his next steps.

Peju, on her part, knew she could not face Raheem with the truth. How do you disclose to a man who is in his early sixties that his only child is not his biological child, especially one he loves so deeply? She decides to visit Brother Muri, Raheem’s eldest brother, to explain the unfolding scene. When she arrives at Muri’s in tears, she goes on her knees and informs him about what had transpired at the hospital and then she went on to reel out the explanation behind the scene. “Brother Muri, you will recall that for over ten years after marriage, we searched for the fruit of the womb and despite several prodding, Raheem refused to do any medical test. His excuse was that prior to marriage he had impregnated some ladies who had terminated such pregnancies. This put tremendous pressure on me and so I heeded the advice of an elderly friend of the family to have an extra-marital affair with the sole purpose of having a child to secure the marriage.

The opportunity came when Raheem was on Sabbatical leave to Burundi where I joined him. I had a brief relationship there and after I took in, I returned home to have Keji shortly before Raheem’s return. Subsequent attempts to have children with him failed but I remained faithful since we had one to call our own and his world revolved around her. The biological father never knew of the pregnancy as I cut off all links immediately after I got pregnant. You know Raheem is not someone I could have discussed this with and I thought my secret was secure until this… “the tears come cascading down again.

She blows her nose and continues “I really don’t know what to do, I am so confused brother, help me. If Keji gets to know I don’t know what to expect. My life is shattered and Raheem is devastated. Our hitherto happy home cannot be the same. Can he have the heart to forgive me as at the time, we couldn’t afford to attend fertility clinics and Raheem was uncooperative about medical intervention in any case”?

After berating Peju for what had transpired, Muri promises to convince Raheem to first get tested and then subsequently ask for God’s wisdom in dealing with the situation.  The next day, he accompanies Raheem for testing whereat it is confirmed that he is suffering from secondary infertility – chronic azoospermia – which having been left untreated had resulted in the inability to bear children.

If you are Muri, what would you advise given the ages of the persons involved and their close-knit relationship? Should Raheem cut his losses, go for treatment and try to start a new family or should he be encouraged to mend the cracks that have evolved in the marriage? How should he treat Keji? Should Keji be informed about the whole debacle when she recovers?

Havilah looks forward to reading your comments and possible advice on this situation. She is of the view that lots of counseling will be required from their religious leader and forgiveness will play a major part in the healing process.

Love

Havilah

It was the first day of the Semester and Hussain and Fatimata took adjoining seats for their first class in the Department of Sociology where they were freshers. Instantly, a bond of friendship was created as they smiled and exchanged pleasantries. This bond strengthened over their four-year sojourn in the University as they kept adjoining seats and enjoyed their lunch break in each other’s company, throughout the period. Course mates often wondered at the length and depth of their conversations which often spanned a variety of topics. On Fatimata’s part, she often briefed Hussain about all who indicated an interest in her and when she started dating Dapo, she solicited his advice on issues relating to their relationship which he willingly gave. After graduation, Hussain was posted to serve his National Youth Service in Cross River State while Fatimata headed to Zamfara with a promise to keep in touch. However, attempts to keep in touch by Fatimata were unreciprocated by Hussain and the relationship fizzled out.

Some ten years post graduation, fate threw Hussain and Fatimata together and they found themselves seated beside each other at a meeting in Hussain’s firm where Fatimata had been asked to represent her director. Imagine the shock on their faces coming face to face with each other again. After the business of the day, Fatimata retired to Hussain’s office and the following conversation ensued.

Hussain: “Just look at you girl. You could have been my wife you know? You just friendzoned me and toyed around with my emotions for four good years.”

 Fatimata gasped and responded saying “Come off it Hussain, you know we were nothing more than good friends. In fact, I saw you as an older brother in whom I could confide and seek advice. If you really felt differently, how come you never voiced it?”

Hussain’s calm response was “How could I when you were always confiding in me, especially about Dapo. I wanted your happiness and I am sincerely happy you sorted out your issues with Dapo and eventually got married. When we were posted to different states of the country for the National Youth Service Corps Scheme, I saw it as the perfect opportunity to break the cord after all, I had been friendzoned and couldn’t bear to continue to be strung along. Anyway, all that is history and I am genuinely glad to see you again”.

Fatimata ended the discourse with “That is an unfair statement Hussain. How was I to read your mind when you never voiced out your intentions? Don’t forget I was a naïve young girl in her late teens when we met in school. You know, I always wondered what I did wrong for you to end our friendship that way especially since my calls and messages to you in the early part of our service year were never acknowledged. Now I understand better. It certainly has been great catching up with you.”

The Cambridge dictionary defines Friendzone as “The state of being friends with someone when you would prefer a romantic or sexual relationship with them.” You know you are in the friendzone when she asks you for relationship advice.

Havilah is of the opinion that quite often a lack of declaration of one’s interest may end up putting such a person in the friendzone.  People must learn to communicate their intentions either verbally or through actions and not leave the discernment of their motives to conjecture.

Love

Havilah

It’s another Friday evening and the three musketeers as they are fondly called, meet as usual, to relax with their spouses. The Friday Rendezvous is usually rotated among them and today, it is Manfred and Nini’s turn to host. They are always excited when Nini is hosting because her cuisine is always “Finger licking good”.

After finishing a sumptuous meal, Gbenga exclaims patting his protruding stomach – “Mani bobo…hmm, Nini’s cooking skills are extraordinary and coming from me, you know that the comment is a fact. It beats everything I have eaten throughout the length and breadth of Africa and beyond. As a connoisseur of good food, it beats me how she consistently churns out these sumptuous meals, year in and year out. It is the consistency in quality that boosts my admiration”.

Fola picks it from there with “Mani, you are a lucky man o. No wonder you are never interested in offers to eat out. Nothing you find out there can beat what your woman serves. She is gifted jo, KILODE”!

The main meal served, the “boys” settle down to watch the finals of the soccer world cup on the large TV screen in the living room while the “sisfrens”, as they refer to themselves, retreat into the kitchen to help Nini serve the dessert. The following banter ensues.

Betty taps Nini on the shoulder with “Nini, na wa o. Where did you learn the culinary wonders, you churn out each time we are here? They are not dishes that are strange to us but they always taste intrinsically better. You have a way of tantalising the palate. Sisfren…pray, what is the secret ingredient? She concludes with a laugh”.

Nini replies with a smile “Truly sis, there is no secret ingredient, there is nothing to it. After all, you have sometimes assisted with the preparations, did you notice or see anything different or unusual?”

Rolayo continues by insisting “Haba, Nini, there must be something. Maybe you add it to the stock or some other ingredient before we are present. Referring to your cooking as finger-licking good is indeed an understatement”.

Nini heaves a deep sigh and replies “actually sisfrens, there is a secret ingredient and it is really very simple if only you can believe it works. For me, it works over and over again”.

Betty and Rolayo exchange glances and chorus in unison “We knew it. Come on sis, out with it”!

Nini continues” The secret ingredient is committing the entire process into God’s hand. As I embark on the preparations, I ask God to take control by making it wholesome for all who will eat of it and importantly, to not only nourish their bodies but make it excellent to their palates”.

Rolayo continues “You’ve got to be kidding me Nini. Who would have thought that to be the answer? However, on a second thought, the holy book enjoins us to entrust all our ways and endeavours into the hands of the Almighty and he will actualise it. What a practical application of that instruction. It is just that cooking seems so mundane, I would never have thought to involve God in the manner which you just explained”.

Hmm…Betty exhales slowly and responds “It is worth giving a try sis. It’s uncanny how God takes over and perfects things when we let him”.

With that, the “sisfrens” return to the living room with trays of delectable dessert and serve their husbands – each of them, determined to put into practice what they had just learned.

Havilah’s view? God is concerned in everything that pertains to us and if we let him in, he perfects us. Nothing is too mundane which is why he instructs that we commit everything into his hands.

Love

Havilah