Nancy calls up her friend Billie, distraught, as she seeks answers on how to manage a tricky situation involving her only child – Meme. Meme (her son) was the result of an adulterous affair she had with a Minister of State while she was at the University. It had been an unanticipated pregnancy and Nancy had insisted on keeping it despite the father’s adamant rejection. Musa (Meme’s father) had negated the idea of keeping the child as he could not afford a scandal that could jeopardise both his career and his home. He was however coerced into caring for the child although under a very secretive arrangement whereby his identity would never be disclosed. Thus, he became a “phantom father” to Meme, who lacked nothing other than the presence and relationship of a father. This was more so since Nancy, had never married but rather chose to remain a single parent. Now, Meme at sixteen returned home from school and was insistent on full disclosure concerning his father. If dead, he demanded to know his father’s relatives and why he went by his grandparents’ name. He demanded clarity regarding the circumstances of his birth and Nancy was at her wits end on what answers to give.

Billie, also a single parent by virtue of her divorce with Cyril was equally confused about how to address her friend’s predicament. Her situation was different, though also fraught with its own peculiar challenges. She had agreed to a co-parenting arrangement with Cyril who had remarried and had another family. Their daughter – Bobo, therefore, alternated between her home and her father’s. This however left young Bobo confused as to processes and activities because of marked differences in the parenting styles of each home. The differences cut across wake-up time, reaction to household chores, food choices and even bedtime. For Bobo who is twelve, it is dizzying, and she prefers Cyril’s lifestyle but loves her mother greatly. Billie switches her thoughts back to her friend – Nancy, she tries to calm her down and advises that she brings it up at the next Single Mothers Forum anchored by Duro Matanbule, scheduled to hold the next Tuesday. Duro would have the answers or can reach out to her plethora of contacts that can address the challenge.

Duro herself has a story to tell. She was known to be filled with wisdom, experience, and compassion for single mothers. A single parent herself, she had been gang raped as a teenager and had given birth to her son – Feranmi. (She never desired to know the father and it took her a while to overcome the stigma attached to his birth). She however met the love of her life – Iremi – ten years later. He adopted Feranmi and they got married. Three years after the birth of their daughter – Nifemi, Iremi passed away in a ghastly motor accident, leaving Duro to continue life as a single parent. Duro’s challenges started when at Iremi’s passing, a member of his extended family informed Feranmi that he was not Iremi’s son and that he should look for his father. The peaceful home was shattered as the boy struggled with the loss of the person, he had always considered to be his father, and the new revelation communicated to him. Duro had dealt with the aftermath of the revelation and succeeded in restoring peace and understanding to her household. Billie hoped desperately, that Duro would have the answers to her friend’s predicament.

Havilah: ‘The reasons for single motherhood are as varied as the individuals involved and are based on the peculiarities of each person’s circumstances. They however share a common challenge as relates to the children- how to give them the feel of a balanced home and how to explain the absence of a father figure, whether in part or totally. Any woman who finds herself in the position of a single parent must be prepared for this challenge as it is bound to rear its head sooner or later.”

Havilah uses this medium to appreciate all who took time out to advise Telema in the Dilemma and to convey Telema’s profound appreciation for the words of advice that were expressed with candour.

In the same vein, Nancy would be truly appreciative of advice on how to manage her son – Meme’s demands. Please respond in the comments section of the blog and God bless you even as you help a sister in distress.

TERMS

CO-PARENTING is a situation in which both parents of a child undertake together to take on the care, activities, and upbringing of a child even when they are divorced, separated, or not in a relationship. Both invest equally in the well-being of the child.

Love

Havilah

As Adura ruminated over her imminent retirement, in the next nine months, she mentally ticked off her preparedness from her bucket list. A thought stole across her mind and she smiled. So many years ago, as a young lady in the university, she had a boyfriend whose preoccupation was amassing girlfriends. After careful deliberation, to stem her heartache, she got him a card that read…” ON YOUR RETIREMENT – now you will have the time to do the things you always wanted to do”. The smile that played across her lips was reminiscent of the satisfaction she had felt at the mode of disengagement. The seemingly innocuous words had spoken volumes. With a deep sigh, she brought her thoughts back to the present. She continued – Health will be covered by her Medical Insurance, Finances by her basket of investments as well as her pension and engagements as an external Facilitator to training, and Spiritual by greater participation in church-related activities and volunteer activities within her live-in community. She however realised that there would be days she would probably be homebound and being the super active person she had always been, she wondered how to fill in those days.

The twins – Deinde and Bolarinwa had since left home and though she had two adorable grandchildren, they lived in a different city. She surmised “It is time to experience the honeymoon Henry and myself never had.” She had entered the marriage six months pregnant with the twins who were pre-term babies. This had put lots of pressure on the marriage at the onset and Henry had to work doubly hard to meet up with expenses while she took care of the children and the home. This she did until the children gained admission into secondary school at which time, she needed to enter the employment market. She had worked hard and experienced divine favour in all her dealings, so it was time to retire soon. She was also thankful to God for good health and all that the Lord had blessed her with. However, their schedules had not allowed for the necessary bonding between herself and Henry. They would both have more time to spend with each other at home after her retirement. How would it play out especially as she had often ignored some of his habits, which she had considered irritating because she was too busy to make a fuss over them?

Her thoughts flitted across to her parents, who still held hands, watched programs, conversed earnestly and went out together. Their neighbours always commented when they saw them take their walks together. They ate together and short of bathing together, did practically everything else together. How did they achieve this synergy, she wondered. She then decided that if they could achieve it, she very well could and would also. She loved the peace, tranquility, and companionship they shared so she determined to be intentional about building her relationship and bonding with Henry. They would need to build on mutual interests and downplay their differences.

Suddenly she was startled by a tap on her shoulder. She turned around sharply only to come face to face with her best friend Tife. “When and how did you come in?” she asked. Tife responded with a mischievous giggle and said “It is my ghost…I can penetrate walls. On a more serious note, Henry answered the door when I rang the bell and told me you were in your dressing room. I knocked but you were so absorbed in your thoughts I guess you didn’t hear the knock. What is eating you up?”

Adura decided to share her concerns regarding her post-retirement relationship with Henry. Tife, listened attentively and after some silence, replied. “My dear sister from another mother, marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured and there is no better time than post-retirement. Indeed, now is the time for both of you to do the things you always desired to do especially since you missed out on your honeymoon. Now you have the chance to enjoy a protracted latter-day honeymoon. Adura, remember the stories you told me over the years of your career regarding irritations from co-workers, subordinates and bosses. You were able to navigate, endure and overcome the irritants, dealing with Henry’s cannot be worse. My candid advice dear sis is that you start spending time synergising and working on areas of common interest – go to the movies, do things that make you laugh, fun things. Relive your days of courtship and find that spark again. Anxiety about transiting to a new phase of life is normal but rest assured, you have a template in your parents and once you hand things over to God, he perfects it. Now, wear your shoes and let’s go and splurge on your favourite ice cream flavour! I am craving some Butter Pecan.”

Havilah wishes to remind all working women that retirement is bound to happen sometime so while concentrating on your occupation, be mindful to cultivate your relationship with your spouse because when the chips are down, in him lies respite.

Love

Havilah

It is thirty years into the marriage of Telema and Tonworigho. The seemingly happy couple got married early and experienced the usual challenges in marriage that are common to young couples. Luckily, they had their two children early – Teks and Boma – who are now working in a different city from their parents. Through the years, Tonworigho played his role as a father by providing for his family financially. All attempts by Telema to make him see the reason for bonding with his family via other fatherly or husbandly roles failed. Tonworigho took his work seriously but also took his time out with the boys and clubbing as well as other “juvenile” activities, equally seriously. Telema was often left to relate with the children. It was she who knew their daily pains and gains, friends, challenges, and successes in school as well as other extra-curricular activities. Tonworigho’s view was that his role in the family was solely that of provision.

Over the years, Telema got used to Tonworigho being the absentee husband/father and as the children grew older and less dependent on her, she progressively increased the time spent on her career and rose to the position of Vice President of the Bank at which she worked. Tonworigho on the other hand, lost his job because of his philandering activities. Since then, he had not been able to hold things together financially with his export business. Consequently, the marriage has been characterised more recently by misplaced aggression and regrets regarding lost opportunities. Telema has however been the victim of his vented frustration with increased emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Gaslighting has become the order of the day as Tonworigho tries to turn the tables of guilt on his wife.

Now, at age 52, Telema is torn between seeking a divorce and continuing to live under conditions she considers emotionally unhealthy. After all, since Tonworigho locked her out of the matrimonial home and only took her back when the children intervened, she has slept in the guest room. She continues to go through the motions of being “The perfect wife” to the outside world but she knows she is living a lie. Communication is a rarity between them and although Tonworigho keeps telling her “I love you. I can’t live without you”, she questions his understanding of love.

Upon deep reflection of the relationship, she weighs her options. If she decides to stay in the marriage, she fears for her sanity and happiness. Life has become dreary, and she begins to envisage her retirement years. She desires a happy and active life with the liberty to associate in activities and with persons that enliven her. She no longer feels anything towards Tonworigho other than a sense of responsibility and to some extent, empathy at his wasted years. However, she recalls that in the earlier years, Tonworigho had provided the necessary financial anchor. Would it be fair to leave him to his fate now? She battles with the thought of what his actions and inactions were doing to her. He had often threatened to commit suicide if she left him and Telema did not want his death on her conscience. Their relationship has gravitated into one of codependency which scares the hell out of her. She just keeps giving into the relationship while Tonworigho’s taking is draining her. What should she do? How would the children react? What will the world say? Should she get separated or go the whole hog and get divorced? What would happen to her image as a role model to younger couples? Myriads of questions assail her thoughts on the matter.

On the other hand, she muses, how long could she keep up appearances? With the current situation, she needs companionship for her golden years. Should she stick with Tonworigho purely for companionship reasons or orchestrate her freedom? After all the saying goes “The devil you know is better than the angel you do not know”. But then, what quality of companionship should she expect…they had grown apart over the years and she needs to be deliberate for it to work. Such is the dilemma facing Telema.

GLOSSARY OF TERMS

PHILANDERING – Frequently indulging in casual sexual relationships with women.

CODEPENDENCY – Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship where a person (the giver) sacrifices their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other person (the taker).

GASLIGHTING – Extended psychological manipulation

Havilah: Can we help Telema out of her dilemma? Your ideas would be most appreciated. Please place it in the comments section of the blog and God bless you as you do.

Love

Havilah

The Quads (Satu, Abby, Prisca and Sumbo) as they were fondly called met at their favorite Bistro – The Duchess for their monthly rendez- vous to let down their hair as well as let off steam. “I am so angry!” seethed Abby, as she sipped her cold lemonade. The reason for her anger? Hassan, her husband, had just put an end to her plans to travel to Mauritius with her friends on a pre-planned vacation. The painful part she explains is that “I carried him along on the plans regarding the vacation right from the outset, but he waited until today to thwart it with his instruction that I go NOWHERE and if I dare disobey, I do not return to our home. Can you imagine after I have expended my hard-earned savings on the return ticket, hotel accommodation and event bookings for which I may not be fully refunded? I was so looking forward to this vacation with you girls, “she pouted. “He knows I have always wanted to explore Mauritius; traveling is not his thing but it is mine”.

Abby responds with “Men are such killjoys. My pain with Ropo is his insensitivity to my pressures. I work so hard and then I get home and it is all work, work, work while he puts his legs up watching the sports channel on TV all evening and all weekend. He never gives a helping hand. It can be so frustrating and overwhelming coping with everything including the children, alone. I felt so frustrated the other day that I actually referred to him as a selfish and unthinking piece of furniture who viewed me as a slave.”

“My God” Prisca cut in “Whoa…that was too caustic Abby! You really need to watch your mouth girl and control your temper. Possibly, a gentler approach could achieve the desired result of engendering his assistance.”

Sumbo, the most mature of the quads sighed and rounded up the conversation with a refreshing perspective on the topic. “Marriage (she said) is a game changer that involves the unification of two individuals from divergent backgrounds orientations and experiences, often sporting different personality traits. Both parties, to enable the marriage to work, make sacrifices and put effort into understanding one another and ask God for the grace to “master self and temper, how to make their conduct fair, when to speak and when be silent, when to do and when forbear.” She continued “To achieve utopia in marriage, help must be solicited from God regarding endowment of patience and wisdom. The key to receiving from God is developing a personal relationship with God which fuels communication with him. Mind you, no two marriages are the same and there is no blueprint for marriage, so you must each chart your individual courses. It certainly helps to recognise the good in your spouse, he cannot be all “bad news”. Appreciate him and count your blessings. That way, the bad becomes less obvious and with time becomes bearable. You are meant to complement each other.”

She continues “Since I started seeing marriage through the prism I described, I experience peace and exhibit the fruits of the spirit such as joy, love, patience, gentleness, self-control, and the like. You have always known me to be impulsive and quick to act while Segun (my better half) is the more cautious and deliberate one. I remember when I was approached by my current employer who was head hunting for an experienced hand in alternative energy policies, my immediate reaction was to express disinterest in the position especially as I felt comfortable with my then employers.     Thank God for Segun who advised that I request time to consider the slot and give it a shot. The rest, we all know is history as it turned out to be the best career move, I have made so far. Listening to his advice has been impactful in our lives although I had previously criticized him as being slow to act.”

She adds, “That said, Abby, you could do with exhibiting restraint in your outbursts and following Prisca’s advice. For you Satu, while Hassan’s actions are indeed painful, try to understand his reason for the decision taken by engaging him in discussion and if it cannot be understood, hand it over to the Lord in prayer.”

Love

Havilah                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

As Agbani headed towards her high-profile job at the headquarters of a multinational actively involved in the telecommunication space, she hurriedly scrolled through her e-mails and messages on her phone. Because of the intensity of her work and other schedules, she made it a duty to consciously put her phone to sleep at midnight and would only access the phone at 7 a.m. She needed to maintain her health and sanity. Scrolling down, she encountered the reminder from the Secretary of her High School Class Set Association, reminding her of the Class reunion scheduled for that weekend. As the President of the Association, she committed to be in attendance and hurriedly planned her activities for the rest of the week, to free her for the much-anticipated reunion. She had attended a girls’ school and recalled with nostalgia, their parting words forty years ago – a quote from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar – “If we do meet again, why we shall smile, if not then this parting was well made.”

Come Friday evening, Agbani cruises to the rendez – vous location and as she steps into the lobby, she is greeted by a myriad of female voices of differing pitches. Everyone was welcoming each other, and she melted into the ever-increasing crowd. Halima was the first to welcome her even as Bolu, Chinwe, Jacinta, Sandra, Efe, Ama and a host of others took turns embracing and welcoming her. She could not get over seeing Chinwe who flew in from her residence in the Bahamas and Ama who came in from Ghana. She had not seen either of them since they left school forty years prior, and it was fun catching up on what everyone was doing.

The onset of social media and digital calls had helped the classmates pretty much stay connected over the ages, however, nothing could prepare them for the awesome experience of coming together in physical contact, particularly after the pandemic. The pandemic had ushered in virtual conference solutions which the group also deployed to capture members in the diaspora. As the chattering continued and people shared experiences, it was interesting to note that a class of girls who had been exposed to similar conditions and challenges in school, had experienced a vast diversity of challenges as life happens differently to everyone thus leaving its mark on each person.

Agbani surveyed the room and observed that the ever-effervescent Murna remained the same…chirping throughout the events while Bolu sat quietly in her corner throwing in the occasional banter. Molly on her part could not resist the temptation to relive her days as the band leader and give a brilliant rendition of “Ladies Night” by Kool and the Gang. She surmised – Times and seasons may change, and experiences may differ, but a person’s character remains unchanged regardless of the challenges and experiences encountered.

Agbani had a deep admiration for her classmates as she listened to some of their stories which had left them largely undeterred. Was it Marcelle who had experienced widowhood very early in life or Tamara who had suffered severe health challenges but still managed to be her cheerful self? Aggie had a child shortly after school and had remained a single mother all her life. She was now a grandmother with a thriving business. Moriam had lost her only child in a freak accident but still plowed along and then, Bibi had passed on from Cancer while Gbonju had died in a car crash. Varying challenges but through it all, the bonds of sisterhood had seen them through. Sisterhood is indeed a blessing!

It was indeed a relaxing and exhilarating experience meeting in person again, particularly after a long time and after the experience of the COVID-19 pandemic. It was also a time to pull up fond memories of some of their classmates who had been called to glory in the intervening period. Indeed, Shakespeare was right in the quote “If we do meet again why we shall smile, if not then this parting was well made.” The Lord had made it possible to meet and smile again after a long time but some persons were not destined to meet again.

As Agbani drove back home on Sunday feeling fulfilled, she smiled as she made a mental note to extend the concept to her extended family, and organise a family reunion, particularly in these times when so many members are in diaspora.

Love

Havila

Melissa, my friend who teaches French at a secondary school in the metropolis called me and while sharing experiences, she mentioned that she was recently berated by a parent for assigning the task of sweeping the classroom to his daughter in conjunction with others. I asked If there was any cogent reason for his reaction such as that she is asthmatic or some other health condition and she said his only reason was that “she doesn’t even sweep at home and that she is not in school to sweep but to learn”. Two days later, I am out shopping with three middle-aged friends, and I was discussing the need for children to be taught and supervised on household chores.

Oyinda kicks off the discourse with “My take is that children must be taught very early the essence of cleanliness, and this transcends personal hygiene. The need for a clean environment and its attendant health and emotional/psychological benefits cannot be ignored. When they leave the “nest” to start lives on their own, who will keep the house for them? I recall I had a tough time getting Eunice to clean the house as a teenager. She would grudgingly take a brush and sweep all the dirt under the carpet, under the furniture or into hard-to-reach corners and pretend she was done. It was up to me to inspect and ensure she did it right. Guess what? When she got married, one of the selling points to her husband was her housekeeping capabilities”.

Meme was quick to point out the availability of more efficient cleaning and housekeeping appliances as well as methods. “With dishwashers, washing machines, hoovers and the like in place, keeping housekeeping has become a much easier task and cleaning can also be outsourced. One can also hire persons as housekeepers or assistants to help with the household chores. For our soaring migrant population, however, they have little or no access to housekeepers or assistants, but the modern appliances help them reduce the stress and time spent on cleaning. They must however first and foremost see the need to keep their environment clean which will propel them to acquire the relevant appliances.”

Efe agreed with the two previous speakers and went on to recount how her experience in boarding school had assisted her in assessing the quality of service recently provided by a professional cleaning company she had hired. Efe hailed from a royal family and as a result of her affluent background, had grown up with a retinue of servants, stewards and maids who took care of her environment. However, when she gained admission to one of the foremost girls-only secondary schools in the country, she was assigned cleaning tasks along with her peers. These included cleaning the bathrooms and toilets. Sweeping, mopping, dusting and tidying dormitories and classes. The levels of inspection and supervision taught her there was no hiding place for dirt as the tops of doors, wardrobes, ceiling fans and windows were carefully inspected for dust. There she learnt to recognise the difference in finishing between a swept floor and a carefully mopped one. Furniture was shifted to ensure that the floor beneath had been cleaned. Recently, she employed the services of professional cleaners and was appalled by the level of sloppiness displayed. She put her experience to work during the inspection process and uncovered the lack of diligence displayed in carrying out their assignment which on a cursory glance, appeared to have been effectively executed. If she did not know better, she would have paid for substandard work.

It is my opinion that everyone needs to place emphasis on cleanliness. Even a number of religions propagate ablution which is personal cleanliness. A clean environment, devoid of clutter not only enhances health but also stimulates the mind, uplifts one’s mood and increases productivity. The benefits of a clean environment are numerous, and one cannot but agree with the adage “cleanliness is next to godliness”. It follows that cleanliness is an acquired taste and skill. It is taught and learnt and profits a person. It starts at home and whether it is handled personally or contracted out, one must have expected outcomes and expectations and must be prepared to check or appraise them. This training, though traditionally taught and learnt by the female sex, has become increasingly learnt and practised by both sexes. As parents, we have a duty to teach our children the importance of cleanliness and how to maintain it by themselves. One cannot give what one does not have and if over-reliance is placed on external help with household chores, what happens when or where such help is unavailable? How does one cope?

Love

Havilah

Fathers’ Day has just rolled by, and it got me reminiscing about my father of blessed memory and the times we shared. In one word, he could be described as supportive, and the papa/girl dynamics were super. He was very present in my upbringing and supportive of my mother and the family. He honed my skills largely through play and other interactions and I cannot forget the songs, poetry, and games he taught in our native language. He honed my language skills through playing Scrabble and through the WHOT card game he taught me how to be a gracious loser. He would sometimes allow me to win a game to teach two things –

1. In life, you win some and lose some.

2. The more attempts you make at something, the better you become and the more confident you grow.

The bonding continued into Secondary school when as a boarder in a school in Lagos, the family had relocated to Port Harcourt. Dad kept the communication flow by writing letters and mine to him were always dutifully corrected for spelling errors, tenses, punctuation marks and the like. This enabled me to excel in my proficiency in the English language. He was a firm believer in logical reasoning and speaking the truth regardless of its outcome. I recall two incidents that occurred in my teenage years, one of which I will share here.

During the holidays, one fine day, I was visited by three teenage boys who were also in a school in Lagos at the time. They had summoned the courage to stop by my house but were uncomfortable in coming in, seeing that my father was known to be a strict disciplinarian. He never spared the rod. We stood together at the front entrance to the house and though in conversation, the boys were conscious of their surroundings and prepared to scamper at the sound of any approaching car in the driveway. They were however visible to anyone who cared to look and my uncle Wilson who at the time resided in our BQ, with his family, took note of the situation. Rather than discuss it with me, he preferred to report the seeming infraction, to my father when he got home from work. The following exchange then ensued.

Dad – “…did anyone visit the house today in my absence?”

Havilah – “Yes Dad, three boys visited me in each other’s company.” I went on to reel off their names as I was aware he knew their fathers.

Dad – “Why should they visit you? Uncle Wilson informed me of their visit and that they stood at the door for a long time. How did you get to know them, After all, you attend a girls-only school and not a mixed school?’

I boldly responded – “Yes Dad, I attend a girls-only school but we have avenues and opportunities to interact with boys at sports meets, debating society and science club engagements and the like so of course I know some boys. Besides, is it not better for them to visit me in my house than for me to visit them or meet them on street corners?”

This was followed by a long-drawn silence, I do not think he saw it coming, then he called for his lunch and changed the topic of discourse.

Years later as I enjoyed the trust and confidence reposed in me, my father confided that the reported incident had made a strong impression on him. Firstly, it had shown him that I could be trusted to speak the truth regardless of the consequences that could emanate therefrom and that I displayed an analytical mind, given the perspective from which I had reviewed the situation. This trust and confidence, I enjoyed throughout his lifetime.

I, therefore, enjoin all fathers to spend time understanding their children and such can only be gained through spending quality time with them, bonding. This helps to shape them in achieving their divine destiny. For those who for some reason or the other missed the bonding period in their youth, it is never too late to reach out a hand of fellowship and try to understand them as adults. It is all about BONDING!

Love

Havilah

I was thinking of my mental health recently and a need to indulge in a vacation when it dawned on me that we have just gone past the Mental Health Awareness month of May. These days, we hear the words “Mental Health” bandied about, which is not surprising given the challenges and stresses of our times. Many people are suffering from mental health challenges, albeit unknown to them. Addictions, Anxieties, Bipolarism, Depression, Schizophrenia and a host of other conditions are all attributable to a person’s mental health. With an upsurge in the incidences of emotional and physical abuse, coupled with the harsh economic climate, it comes as no surprise that the conditions above mentioned, are on the increase.

Ife, a mother of two was found soliciting alms outside one of the mega-churches one Sunday afternoon alongside her two children. One of the church members to approach her was Dr. Meg, who felt attracted to this soft-spoken, articulate young woman. Dr. Meg, in addition to gifting her a healthy sum, invited her to her consulting room at The City Sanatorium – a behavioral Health facility – where she practises as a Clinical psychologist. She shares Ife’s story:

Ife had been married to her childhood friend, Fred and together they had raised two children. Fred was an engineer with a manufacturing company while Ife was a marketing executive with an insurance company. Problems started four years into the marriage as Fred became an alcoholic exhibiting an altered personality which resulted in severe emotional and physical abuse to Ife. All attempts to identify the root cause of the change proved abortive and Fred lived in self-denial of his state. Nevertheless, Ife continued in the relationship, as she put it, “because of the children.” Fred started slipping in his fatherly role and responsibilities, but Ife kept up appearances, rising to the occasion by providing needed finances. However, one day, about a year prior to meeting Dr. Meg, Ife came home from work to an empty home. Fred had packed all his personal belongings and left home. She tried calling his phone, but it was switched off. The next day, she inquired at his office and was shocked to find out that he had resigned three months earlier. She was left with no option than to take up her cross and fend for the family as a single parent, but the strain and trauma of the years had taken its toll. She suffered from bouts of depression which affected her productivity at work. She was eventually fired, and the children had to be relocated to a public school. This further depressed her, and it was during this low, she decided to pursue street begging for a livelihood.

Dr. Meg was intrigued by her story and after a clinical diagnosis of depression, she slated her for counseling sessions and medical treatment at the Sanitarium. She went on to rehabilitate Ife and assisted her get an administrative placement with the church. Dr. Meg also assisted the children secure admission in the school run by the church where Ife was entitled to discounted fees. These all resulted in Ife being active in church and spiritual activities thus picking up the pieces of her life and a more stable mental health. She is still healing from the bruises but is better able to live a happy fulfilled life.

There is no gainsaying the fact that mental health is something to be guarded jealously. The World Health Organisation (WHO) defines mental health as “A state of mental well-being that enables people to cope with the stresses of life, realise their abilities, learn well and work well and contribute to their communities.” It is therefore clear that stressors and pressure agitate mental health while self-care stimulates mental health.

A person is expected to develop a self-care routine for proper balance on an ongoing basis. To help with this, some organised businesses insist on a work-life balance that enables employees time for family, socials, exercise, etc. Some even have gyms, enroll staff in clubs with recreational facilities, frown at working beyond specified hours, have creches for babies, etc. Even where these are unavailable, the individual owes it to herself to indulge in a self-care routine which ideally should encompass all or a substantial number of the following areas for optimum balance – Emotional e.g. journaling, listening to music or messages; Mental e.g. dissipating stress through meditation, walking, socialising, etc.; Physical e.g. eat healthy, exercise, etc.; Spiritual e.g. embrace religion and live by the tenets of your faith; Recreational e.g. reading, swimming, playing games, etc.; and environmental e.g. maintaining a decluttered and safe living environment, etc.

It is also important to practise self-love as a part of your self-care routine and this simply means pampering yourself by doing something for yourself that makes you feel happy and fulfilled e.g., a spa treatment, an outing, a vacation, etc.

Do take out time to practise self-care to aid your mental health in these challenging times. EVERYONE needs this to remain sane.

GLOSSARY

1. DEPRESSION – A mental condition characterised by severe despondency and dejection with feelings of inadequacy and guilt often accompanied by lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep.
2. BIPOLAR DISORDER – A mental condition characterised by severe mood swings and energy levels resulting in emotional highs and lows.
3. SCHIZOPHRENIA – A mental condition involving a breakdown in the relationship between thought emotion and behaviour, leading to faulty perception, withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy, delusions, and mental fragmentation.
4. SELF-CARE – The practice of actively protecting one’s personal well-being and happiness, particularly during periods of stress.

Love

Havilah

Sumi is the newest kid on the block having recently migrated to the United States of America. At fifteen, he prides himself on his soccer skills and as is usual for his age bracket, he loves to show off. While relaying his recent shot which resulted in a goal, he points at his teammate Ted and jibes, “he goofed. He undermined the power in my shot.” Ted responded angrily saying” Watch your words foul mouth. I am they or them, not he.” Sumi continued:” You don’t even know your pronouns. I knew before I was even six that males are he and females she. They and them are used for plurals (multiplicity of people).” Sumi had just uttered the “straw that broke the camel’s back” and Ted lunged out at Sumi commencing the onset of a brawl that ended up at the principal’s office. Upon investigation, what had angered Ted was the reference to him as “he.” Sumi was asked to apologise and got off with a stern warning only because he had just relocated from an environment that was alien to LGBTQ+. He is only conversant with the binary genders – male and female.

When he returns to class his friend – Clive- pulls him aside and gives him a brief rundown of gender identity versus biological sex and how it results in gender dysphoria.

“So, this is how it plays out,” Clive started. “We all know that the primary genders relate to certain physical attributes that define one as a male or female (the binary genders). However, certain persons have a different gender identity from their biological/birth identity. So, a person who exhibits the genitals and hormones that are male may adopt the gender identity of a female and prefers to be referred to as she and to dress up and live as she or may even fluctuate between being addressed as he and she, depending on how they feel at any particular time. In recent times, there are different non-binary genders consisting of different configurations and it is an ever-growing list. Non-binary persons tend to use the term they or them because they feel the conventional pronouns of, he/she do not suit their gender identity which is different from their birth identity. You need to try to understand the various gender identities, sexual orientations, and modes of address so as not to rile them up the wrong way. If you are unsure of the gender identity, it is safer to use the person’s name when referring to them. The key other identities outside of the binary identities are:

Lesbian – A woman who only partners or is attracted to other women. Their Sexual orientation is different.

Gay – Men who are attracted to men only.

Bisexual – Persons attracted to both men and women.

Transgender (Trans) – One who identifies as a gender different from his birth-assigned (biological) gender. They may or may not seek to change it through medical interventions.

Queer/Questioning – Yet to decide their gender.

Intersex (hermaphrodites) – born with both male and female reproductive organs.”

When Sumi got home, he related his day’s experience to his mum who in turn shared it with her friend and compatriot Bibi -who had since become an American citizen. Bibi then cautioned that this is part of the culture shock most immigrants face, but it is important to keep your values deeply entrenched in your children while recognising the existence of different gender identities. This can be done by constantly counseling, praying for, and with them as well as teaching them the word from the holy book.

For Christians, The Bible states that God created them, Male and Female. Also, Noah was instructed to take two of all creatures (male and female) into the Ark, for preservation. It is however important to monitor the young ones as well as the type of programs they are exposed to in order to bring them up according to your family/religion/home country’s value system. Let us seize the best of both worlds for our children.

A word of caution from Havilah – Parents must be conscious of the possible consequences of sending their children abroad with inadequate supervision. These consequences may include them imbibing strange identities, cultures, ideologies and behavioural patterns. Importantly though, parents have a duty to always pray regarding them.

Love

Havilah

The significance and importance of names cannot be ignored as names carry deep personal, cultural, familial, and historical connections, giving us a sense of who we are and our place in the world. Consequently, names depict relationships between bearers of the same surname.

In some cultures, marriage may or may not necessitate a change of name. Some cultures traditionally require that the woman changes her surname and adopts that of her husband when she gets married, while in other cultures, the woman retains her family name or adopts the first name of her husband. Increasingly, however, couples are moving away from tradition and doing the unusual which has resulted in an increase in the incidence of double-barrelled names.

Take the case of Dike Obienu and Motara Wilson. Motara is an accomplished Digital Media Personality and Influencer in her late thirties who has established a strong brand that includes her surname – Wilson Laughs – and always signs off as – Motara Wilson. As the sole heir to the Wilson family, she feels obliged to retain the family surname in the absence of a male sibling. Obidike on the other hand is a suave, liberal-minded marketing Manager in a multinational organisation but hails from an extremely conservative background. While discussing their prospect of marriage, Motara had communicated her intention to maintain her family name for continued brand visibility and its attendant benefits. She also reminded Obidike that her father had “no son to perpetuate his name.” While doing a census of contracts and legal agreements that would need to be reviewed if she were to effect a change of name, Motara had felt overwhelmed at the amount of paperwork required and opined “What is in a name after all? The important thing is to have a successful marriage where mutual respect and understanding are practised.” Dike had agreed but had requested that they consider how it would impact the children. After agreeing that the children would bear the Obienu name, they debated the confusion it could create in the minds of young children who would have mostly friends and peers whose parents shared a common surname with them. How would it sound to have Mum bearing the name Wilson while Dad and the kids are Obienu? He had suggested that a possible midway point was to unite their names and adopt Mr. and Mrs. Wilson-Obienu. After settling this and other issues, the wedding was contracted while they were in the UK but shortly after they returned to their home country, all hell broke loose as Motera’s in-laws could not understand the compromise. Dike’s mum kicked up a fuss as she philosophised “She certainly gives herself airs thinking she is too good for us. Who does that? What woman who intends to stay married retains her father’s name? She should assume our family name if she intends to bond with our family.” Dike however stood his ground and Mrs. Motara Wilson-Obienu has not only proved to be a devoted wife and mother but an asset to the extended family. She is well-loved by all, including mama Obienu.

It is pertinent to consider some of the reasons that are often presented for eschewing the traditional change of name in favour of combined names or retention of the family name:

1. Lack of a male heir to perpetuate the family name.
2. Professional visibility and attainment in the family name.
3. Affiliation of the name to Traditional worship or religion.

While some of the reasons sound plausible Havilah considers it an increasingly important discussion to have prior to getting married as this seemingly trivial matter can generate complications for the couple, especially in climes where the concept of retention of the family name or merging the two surnames is little understood by the extended family and the society at large. There are a lot of sentiments attached to names and one must tread gently in order not to offend people’s sensibilities.

Love

Havilah