Toru, a 34-year-old married hardworking accountant with a top-notch hospital was recently diagnosed with uterine fibroid. For as long as she knew, her menstrual periods had been extremely painful and in more recent times she experienced very heavy flows which led to anaemia. She was constantly taking time off work for her menstrual flow which was often prolonged. She had believed that once she gave birth, the situation would improve but since her marriage four years ago, she had been waiting on the Lord to get pregnant. It was not until she joined the hospital about a year ago, after observation by some of the medical personnel at work, that she succumbed to investigations and examinations that led to the diagnosis. She then discovered that uterine fibroids are very common among women (particularly those of childbearing age – menarche to menopause) and presents itself in different ways. After a course of medication to control the pain and help shrink the fibroid, she has been scheduled for surgery – myomectomy to remove the fibroid.

What exactly is Uterine fibroid also known in medical parlance as leiomyoma? It is a benign growth in the uterus (womb) that is common, not deadly, but can be disruptive featuring various types of discomfort. Some of its symptoms include heavy menstrual flows, prolonged flows, pelvic pressures, frequent urination, painful intercourse, distended stomachs, etc. It is more prevalent in women of African descent occurring in over 50 percent of women. It can however be asymptomatic needing no treatment and many women live their lives oblivious of its existence.

In mental preparation for her surgery, Toru approached one of their patients – Adeline – to enquire about her experience. Adeline, a young mother with a 3-month-old baby had done a myomectomy at the hospital prior to delivering her bundle of joy through normal delivery at the hospital. Adeline shared her story as follows: “Toru, rest assured a myomectomy is pretty much standard procedure today and has a high success rate. In my case, I did not experience any symptoms except for some pelvic pressure which I suppressed with over-the-counter drugs. However, 5 years into marriage, I kept experiencing miscarriages and initially assumed it was a spiritual problem which took me to various churches for deliverance. At one of such churches, I met Nurse Bimpe who works in your hospital, and she asked if I had considered that it might be a medical challenge and not spiritual. After consultation with the gynaecologist and a series of tests, she informed me that both the size and location were responsible for the seeming lack of symptoms I experienced but that the fibroids which were multiple but small in size, deterred the foetus from developing to maturity and were responsible for the abortions and miscarriages experienced. She assured me that after removal through surgery, I could have a normal delivery. She in fact stressed the need to get pregnant soon after as fibroids tend to grow back after a while if pregnancy does not occur. To the glory of God, I took in and today I am a proud mother”. Adeline also referred to the case of her sister, Paulet, who had her children despite fibroids, without surgery.

Some of the hard facts regarding fibroids are:

1. It is commonplace especially among women of African descent.
2. It usually occurs in women of childbearing age.
3. It could be disruptive and prevent conception and or carrying a baby to term. It can also be responsible for complications in pregnancy.
4. Fibroids can re-grow after a myomectomy, but not after a hysterectomy.
5. Risk factors include vitamin D deficiency, obesity, early menarche, deficiency in diet, genetics, high hormonal levels etc.
6. It can be treated by medication e.g., oral contraceptives, surgery and in more recent times, hormonal antagonists (GnRH) and minimally invasive gynaecological (MIG) surgery such as UAE (Uterine Artery Embolism) and MRgFUS (MRI guided Focused ultrasound).

In conclusion, Uterine fibroids cannot be prevented but the risk may be mitigated by maintaining a healthy lifestyle and regular pelvic examinations and monitoring. Where diagnosed, appropriate treatment will depend on the individual patient’s age and her desire to retain her fertility as well as the size, location, and number of the fibroid(s). However, in these times, medical advancement has enabled women receive proper treatment with minimum risk of mortality.

GLOSSARY OF TERMS

HYSTERECTOMY – The surgical process for removal of the uterus of a woman.

HORMONAL ANTAGONIST – A medication which affects the hormones e.g., GnRHA (gonadotropin releasing hormone antagonist which affects the sexual hormones…progesterone and estrogen.

LEIOMYOMA – Uterine Fibroid.

MENARCHE – The onset of menstruation.

MENOPAUSE – The cessation of menstruation.

MRgFUS – MRI guided focused ultrasound is a non invasive and incision free technology that targets and treats tissue and organs in the body without incision or radiation.

MYOMECTOMY – A surgical process for the removal of fibroids while preserving the uterus.

UAE(UFE) – Uterine Artery or Fibroid Embolisation is a minimally invasive procedure that involves cutting off the blood supply of fibroids and causing them to shrink.

Love

Havilah

What will you do if you suddenly discover that your beautiful son who has just started mouthing the word mama, is not yours after all? Did I hear you say…but that is impossible, how can a mother not know her child. We have heard of paternity suits but, maternity suits? I remember my mother used to react to her children’s awkward or strange behavior with the cliché “I am sure these children must have been unknowingly switched at Massey Children’s hospital” – the foremost children’s hospital in her city at the time. I always shrugged it off as a joke, but wait a minute, can it happen? Please read on as I share a post recently forwarded by one of my readers.

How can a husband be genotype AA, wife AS, and the baby is SS? Paternity fraud looming?

3 months after they had their first child, Morin and Deji found out their daughter – Tanti had her first sickle cell crisis, and the hospital evaluated her as having the SS genotype.

At first, it appeared like a joke, an awfully bad one at that. Medically, that is not or should not be possible. They conducted the genotype test in four medical laboratories, and the results came out the same – SS. Deji became very suspicious about the paternity of the baby and ordered a DNA test which confirmed that he did not father the baby.

Deji confronted Morin with the results demanding that she confess to infidelity and explain who fathered the child. Morin was adamant that she had not indulged in any extramarital relationship and therefore Deji had to be the father of the child. She then had a repeat DNA test done elsewhere in the belief that the earlier result was an error. It affirmed the earlier result as to paternity – Deji was not Tanti’s father, as the father must carry the sickle cell gene.

The once cheerful home now became a nightmare and Morin was distraught as her world was falling apart. She had no explanation for what was happening and all the people around her found it difficult to attest to her fidelity – how else could it have happened?

While in discussion with her childhood friend Becky, a lawyer and social worker, she narrated her ordeal and they both agreed to enter into a prayer of agreement for the spirit of discernment and knowledge from God. About a week into prayers, Becky called Morin and announced excitedly “Friend, it appears I have a plausible explanation. Given that I believe all you have told me, then it is likely that you also are not the mother of that child. Why not embark on a DNA test to determine the maternity of the child”? Immediately, Morin seized the straw that would save her from drowning and had the test done. “Voila” the test result proved that indeed Morin was not Tanti’s mum. How did it happen? The error was traced to the hospital where two baby girls born on the same day had been swapped. The police were invited to investigate the “error” and the hospital was sued for negligence and damages claimed for the trauma occasioned. Deji and Morin were also able to trace the parents who had been wrongly assigned their baby and after a series of tests by all involved, they retrieved their precious bundle whose genotype turned out to be AS.

There is a Happy ending to the story …true, but what if the child had been AS or AA rather than SS would the error have been discovered?

What of the damage done to Deji and Morin’s relationship? Will Morin get over the distrust displayed by her husband?

Was it a case of carelessness or negligence or a deliberate act of mischief on the part of the medical personnel whereby they were financially induced to switch babies for a fee?

Havilah welcomes suggestions and comments on how such “errors” can be averted by intending parents.

Love

Havilah

Trixie and Gbolabo had hurriedly prepared to attend today’s Marriage Seminar as advertised by Marriage Advisers and Counsellors Association Inc, one in a series of many for intending couples. Today’s topic had caught their interest, especially as it is rarely understood or practiced in their environment. PRENUPS or Prenuptial agreements as an option for intending couples. The seminar was meant to enlighten intending couples about prenuptial agreements while highlighting the pros and cons. The Panelists were introduced as follows:

1. Mrs. Hilda Abdulkareem, a Marriage Counsellor, and the anchor for today’s event. She has been married for 25 years and is a Social Worker with the State government.
2. Mr. Paulinus Nwaegbo, a practicing lawyer whose firm specialises in Family Law matters.
3. Ms. Nony Okafor-Badru, a successful Industrialist, and a divorcee.

After the introductions, Nony kicks off the topic by telling her story. “In Africa, prenuptial agreements are rare and yet to gain ground, but I see it as worthy of consideration by intending couples and this is coming from someone who got the short end of the stick when I sued for divorce. If I had a prenup agreement, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. I come from a privileged background with considerable inherited wealth. Naturally, I had been exposed to Investments at an early age, so I came into the marriage with a lot of assets and continued to grow my portfolio of assets in the ten years I remained married. Blinded by love, I converted most of my assets to jointly owned assets with the notion that it would make administration of the assets for the benefit of our children easier, in the unexpected event of the premature death of either parent. Unfortunately, I had not reckoned with my spouse turning out to be an unrepentant drug addict whose drug habit dissipated most of his earnings and I had to maintain the family and sweat the assets to maximise returns. When all efforts to pull Lashe out of his addiction failed, I had no option but to file for divorce which was granted. However, since the assets were jointly owned, they were shared equally, and I really got my fingers burnt. I realised too late that a prenup agreement would have entitled me to the totality of my assets”.

Mrs. AbdulKareem interjects at this point. “Maybe we should backtrack a little and hear from Mr. Nwaegbo . What really is a prenuptial agreement, what are its significant features and what are its pros and cons”?

Mr. Nwaegbo defines a prenup as follows: “A prenuptial agreement is an agreement signed by a couple in which they outline the distribution of their assets in the event of a dissolution of the marriage. It involves full disclosure of all their individual assets and liabilities prior to the marriage and whether assets and liabilities accrued by both parties during the marriage, should be jointly or separately held. It should further state what should happen to jointly held assets including any matrimonial property in the event of the dissolution, Alimony or support, and children from prior marriages. However, key elements to a successful prenup are that it must be fair, without duress and duly signed by both parties. Legal participation is also advised.

It is however important to investigate whether Prenups are recognised or valid in your jurisdiction before embarking on it as not all countries, recognise it. In Nigeria, it is recognised although uncommon. In recent times it is gaining momentum as a fallout of the increased rate of divorce among public figures and celebrities although there are no reported cases yet. In Ghana for instance, it is invalid”.

Mrs. Abdulkareem continues “As spiritual beings we must also consider what our creed feels about it. My position is that Prenups do not fit into the mold of a Christian marriage since the concept of marriage frowns at divorce and prenups are predicated on the assumption of dissolution. Also, it contradicts the selfless love advocated in the bible. Prenups appear to have selfish intent and negate the concept of giving and sharing.

That said though, there are pros and cons to having a prenup agreement in the event of the unexpected – a dissolution of marriage and I use the word dissolution deliberately, as marriages can be terminated by death and even because the marriage was in fact a sham from the get-go. What happens when the marriage was founded on deceit e.g., the man is lawfully married in another town or country before contracting your marriage, or he contracts a subsequent marriage while yours is still subsisting? When the cat is let out of the bag, the logical action is to dissolve such marriage and, in such scenarios, a prenup becomes useful as it makes the separation/distribution of assets and liabilities easier, less traumatic, and less controversial. The most apparent disadvantage is that if not properly broached and executed, it breeds mistrust and can hamper the relationship from the outset. It is therefore advised that if considered as an option, it should be broached early enough in the relationship so that the partner does not feel railroaded or boxed into the arrangement”.

Havilah’s opinion is that prenups cannot be classified as “good” or” bad” but advises that the pragmatic thing is to discuss it as an option and based on the parties’ values and considerations, it can be adopted or discarded.

Love

Havilah  

I have often wondered how you walk in with someone similarly clothed and groomed, yet people discriminate in their reactions even without you uttering a word. What makes the difference? Someone once said, “It is the glow of the skin”.

Azima summoned up courage and walked up to her Unit Manager during her lunch break, she had always admired Mrs. Tita Polycarp for her elegance, poise, comportment, and most of all – her glowing chocolate-coloured skin. Today, she decided to engage her in a conversation about the secret to her smooth even toned glowing skin. Azima had struggled for years with uneven skin tone and often wondered what she could do. She had considered the use of bleaching creams but remembered with pain that her mother had passed as a result of skin cancer that was precipitated by bleaching. As she asked if she could engage her at that time, she quickly blurted out “Mummy P, I can’t help admiring the glow to your skin and felt I can learn a thing or two from you, on how to improve my skin tone”.

Mummy P smiled and waved her to a seat. She then pointedly asked Azima, “What is your skincare routine”?

A clearly perplexed Azima responded with “Ma, I don’t understand the question. I bathe with soap morning and night, cream my body, and apply some make-up. That is all there is to it. Should it be different”?

In response, Mummy P explained “Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin and accepting who you are. By the way, that is a quote from Ellen DeGeneres. Mind you, the skin is the largest organ of the body and the one that is most visible, thereby influencing first impressions. It, therefore, requires needed attention to present it in the best applicable light. You should therefore develop a daily skincare routine using products that work with your skin. To bring out the best in your skin, you must do a minimum of five steps in caring for the skin, in addition to eating a balanced diet that enhances your overall well-being.  using a Cleanser, Toner, Hydrating Serum, Moisturiser and Sun Protection Factor (SPF) protection also referred to as Sunscreen. I realised that once I started the 5-step regimen described, my skin tone evened out and resulted in the skin that elicits your admiration today. Try it and you will savour the results.

Azima thanked mummy P for the information but had two areas that needed clarity. “Please ma, I have two questions stemming from your advice.

1. I had always assumed that skin toning is a refined terminology for bleaching. Is there a difference and if yes, what is the difference?
2. I always assumed also that Sunscreen is meant for fair/light-skinned persons who desire to suntan. Why do dark-skinned persons need it since our skin can better accommodate the sun and it is often said that we need the sun to produce vitamin D in our bodies”?

Mummy P highlighted the difference between skin toning and bleaching as follows: – “Skin toning helps clear dark spots and tackles skin discolouration and uneven pigmentation. It is a part of skincare and does not alter the natural colour of the skin. Bleaching, on the other hand, is the process of whitening or brightening the skin with chemicals. Bleaching predisposes the skin to cancer”.

She continued “While Vitamin D is released by the body when it receives ultraviolet rays from the sun, and forms a necessary requirement for us all, over-exposure to the ultraviolet rays emitted by the sun can have damaging effects by accelerating ageing, causing skin eruptions and in extreme cases, causing cancer. It is however true that dark skin requires greater exposure to the sun to enable the required access to generate Vitamin D, however, overexposure can cause sunburn and may result in cancer. It is therefore important to modulate exposure to the sun’s rays by staying in the shade and wearing protective clothing as well as wide-brimmed hats and sunglasses. Where exposure cannot be helped, a broad-spectrum sunscreen is advised with an SPF of 30 or above. It should be noted that the sunscreen should be applied liberally and evenly at least 30 minutes before venturing into the outdoors and reapplied after 2-3 hours”.

Azima thanked Mummy P and promised to put the advice to work with a promise of feedback after six months trial.

Love

Havilah

For the married and those in the queue……An aged father asked his grown-up daughter a simple question:

“What is the most important thing in your life, beti?

She replied, “Daddy, it is the kids !!! They mean everything to me”..

He then turned and asked his son-in-law the same question, he also (beaming with pride) said : “It is the kids of course; they are the reason why I work so hard to ensure they have a better life”

“Well said, my children. I don’t mean to intrude on how to run your family life, but I believe there is a fundamental error you will need to correct. I have observed how much you both love your kids and dedicate all your time to them…

“I have observed that almost all your conversation borders mostly on the kids.”

The couple nodded in admission to the assertion.

He continued, “I am a poultry farmer and the biggest egg supplier in my district. I make my money by the quantity of eggs sold. That said, my priority has always been providing optimal care for the chicken. Because, I know that when the chicken is healthy and productive, the eggs will automatically be bountiful.

If I start to ignore the chicken, the eggs will also suffer.”

He pointed to his son-in-law and said, “as a husband, the most important person in your life should be your wife and vice versa. It can not be the kids. They are just products of the marriage”.

If you learn to take care of each other very well, your kids will grow up healthy, happy and well-adjusted, but if you ignore each other, brace yourself up for dysfunctional kids in the future.

”The two of you are the foundation of this family. If you suffer any crack, the whole house will go down. So please make time for yourself and treat each other as *PRIORITY, and the kids will be just fine.”

“This has been the secret of the fruitful union between your Mother and Myself for over 50 years till death took her from me.”

The old man’s eyes welled up with tears at this stage. He thanked the couple for their time and excused himself.

If care is not taken, this magical connection gets weakened, thereby opening up a marriage to all sorts of strange elements !!

Let kids observe that your spouse means the world to you, and if you are to choose between them and your spouse, it will always be your spouse.

Give the kids the love and attention they deserve but not at the cost of neglecting each other.

It is your marriage that will sustain your kids, not vice versa. The kids are just the bonus.

So true, even if un-African!

Talking Helps… Talking Heals

Anon

I came accross the above in a post to one of my whatsApp groups and could not help sharing it here. The words spoken are certainly words of wisdom and we too often have the sequence reversed. That is probably the reason for so many discontent and unhappy youth in our environment today. Let us work at reversing the trend. Doing it right helps our mental health as well as those around us. May the Lord help us.

Love

Havilah

Have you observed that a lot more women are living decent lives with cancer than previously? A couple of months ago I was opportune to visit a reputable privately-owned Cancer Centre in the city and held fascinating conversations with patients, four of which are showcased in today’s write-up.

Ebhaide is a 53-year-old Investment banker who has access to Free Medicals courtesy of her employer. As a result, she never slacked on her annual check-up and had cultivated a habit of self-examining her breasts monthly over the past twenty years. However, her last mammogram during her annual check-up had thrown up certain irregularities which called for further tests. At the end of the tests, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was devastated but with the right counseling, she was placed on a combination treatment of Hormone Therapy and radiotherapy, which was well tolerated by her, given that the cancer cells had not spread beyond the breast tissue. She was being managed and had visited for her quarterly follow-up. In her own words, “I am still active at work and socially, boosting my health with dietary supplements and exercise”.

Belinda on her part is a 35-year-old entrepreneur who runs a beauty parlor and lost her mother to cervical cancer about four years ago. She explained “Immediately after her passing, I did my first pap smear to test for cervical cancer. The second was done last year and some irregular cells were found. Further tests revealed the presence of cancer cells in my cervix and a combination of chemotherapy and radiotherapy was recommended by the Oncologist. I have since commenced treatment and I am currently undergoing my last week of radiotherapy. Although I experienced some reactions to the treatment, these were well managed by medication”.

Amina’s is a case of Stage 3 breast cancer discovered at age 61. She is a homemaker and grandmother. She had never done breast examinations and mammograms, or other tests were never done. She realised that the soreness in her breasts had become worse over the years with smelly discharge from the nipples. By the time she was examined by the family doctor and after a series of tests, she was diagnosed with breast cancer that had spread into her lymph nodes. Consequently, she had to have a mastectomy coupled with chemotherapy and radiotherapy treatments. She continues to give Allah thanks for sparing her life and believes she will be preserved until it is His will to call her to him.

For 24-year-old Duro, recently diagnosed with Ovarian cancer, she is thankful to God and the facility for saving her life. Her story…” I had done regular self breast-examination and was conscious of breast and cervical cancer but had never heard of ovarian cancer. I realised something was wrong when I was consistently losing weight, feeling bloated and noticed a difference in the pattern and intensity of my monthly periods. After a series of tests, an  MRI, and a bone scan, I was queried for ovarian cancer. Surgery was scheduled to remove one of my ovaries and the fallopian tube. The biopsy done on the ovary revealed cancer cells which luckily, had not spread, and I was placed on a regimen of radiotherapy.”

It is heartwarming to know that the Big C is no longer a death sentence but the key to overcoming it is early detection. Like any other disease, it can be managed and controlled making for a fruitful life. There are however some important takeaways to learn from this:

1. Education regarding Cancers is important for all classes of women particularly those over 21 years.
2. Self Breast examination and periodic screening through mammograms and pap smears help in no small measure in the early diagnosis of cancers and proper cancer containment/management.
3. Of the three cancers common to women above described, Ovarian cancer cannot be caught through screening, therefore making it the deadliest. You must watch out for strange signs and symptoms and as women, anything that disrupts or changes the menstrual flow requires medical attention.
4. HIV-positive persons are susceptible to cervical cancers but are subject to the same screening and treatment procedures with relative success.
5. Thermoscans have been touted as an alternative to mammograms in the detection of breast cancer, however, it would appear that mammograms are more effective in early detection.

It is important to note also that this write-up has considered ONLY Conventional treatment. There are however three types of treatment available:

1. Conventional
2. Alternative
3. Integrative (a combined approach)

Love

Havilah

GLOSSARY

CHEMOTHERAPY – The use of cytotoxic, chemical substances and other drugs to treat diseases, especially cancer.

HIV – Human Immunodeficiency Virus which damages the body’s immune system to fight diseases.

HORMONE THERAPY – Suppression or blockage of the hormones, estrogen, and progesterone, in the treatment of cancer.

HYSTERECTOMY – Removal of all or part of the uterus.

MAMMOGRAM – A set of x-rays done on each breast to detect and evaluate breast tumours that cannot be detected by feel.

MASTECTOMY – Surgery to remove parts or the whole breast.

THERMOSCAN – Using digital infrared thermal imaging to detect breast cancer.

Abi and Sefi bumped into each other while enrolling their children in the kindergarten at King Cross Boulevard, five years after leaving college. Abi crept stealthily behind Sefi and whispered into her ears…” guess who is behind you Sefi”. Sefi turned her head abruptly in the direction of the whisper and had a head-to-head collision with Abi, and they both erupted in laughter. They chattered throughout the enrolment process and decided to catch up over coffee and pastries. Abi (who had always been the more conservative one) kickstarted the conversation with the comment – “Imagine running into you like this after five years. I learnt you got married immediately after university and thought you relocated. Marriage sure looks good on you; you look so radiant and happy. In fact, you are positively glowing.” Sefi responded with an affirmatory nod. “Yes indeed, I am enjoying my marriage. I got married the same year as you. You do not look bad yourself Abi.” As if on cue, Abi replied with a deep sigh “Make no mistakes about it, marriage was the worst decision I ever took and my son Cyril here, is the ONLY good thing I got from it”.

“You’ve got to be kidding me” Sefi responded.” What do you mean? My view is that marriage can be lovely and enjoyed. It depends on the mindset with which you approach it and the effort you are prepared to put into it.” Abi was quick to reply “Not when you have a husband with irritating and disgusting habits like mine. Over the years I have complained and tried to correct him over things like cleaning up with water after using the toilet as against toilet roll which I prefer. His clean-up method leaves the toilet seat wet which is unfair to the next user. He presses the toothpaste from the middle rather than bottom-up, he strews his used clothes all over the floor and likes to sleep to loud music. All attempts to correct him and teach him “civil” ways have proved abortive. I can’t continue with such a self-centered uncaring individual who will not consider my discomfiture regarding his mannerisms”. In response Sefi advised “But have you ever considered that he views your own habits in a similar manner? For instance, he may consider the use of water for cleaning up as more hygienic. Don’t forget that you grew up in different homes with different upbringings and value systems. Even siblings brought up under the same roof may have different preferences and that doesn’t make one necessarily superior to the other. You must learn to be accommodating and gentle in correction. Nagging and bickering has never and will never be a solution. Marriage requires that you condition your mind to do the following:

1. To put in the effort to make it work.
2. To Love unconditionally.
3. To seek God’s assistance in getting him to change some of his habits.
4. To seek God’s help in accepting what cannot change.

When you have the right mindset, it gives peace of mind at all times. Mind you. I am not saying it is easy, but the right attitude can be cultivated. When I first got married, I discovered that my husband was a “couch potato” who would rather sit all day in front of the television, with hardly a word to me but the usual pleasantries. You know me. That I live for conversations and while courting he made the effort to engage me in active discourse. I was wilting within and one day, I could no longer help myself, I burst into tears while seated with him in the living room. The silence had been deafening. Upon his inquiry as to the reason for my distress, I told him that his refusal to communicate with me was eating me. He assured me that there was nothing wrong with the relationship and he was happy with me. I later reasoned that while I came from a background where verbal engagement and mutual communication among all members of the family was the norm, the converse was the case in his family and so he saw nothing wrong with keeping silent. Having identified the problem, it was easier to understand his challenge and assist him to overcome it prayerfully. I started by discussing and analysing his favorite programs with him and gradually our communication progressed. The change was gradual, but God effected it and before I knew it, he craved our conversations. If for any reason I am silent now, he is not at peace. This was just one of several things we needed to work on and we are still work – in- progress but with each passing day, it gets easier to love him for who he is. Please Abi, do not allow petty differences to get in the way of your happiness. Remember no one is perfect and it takes time and patience to unlearn what has been learnt. Turn it over to God and remember, nagging and bickering has never been and will never be a solution. Ask God earnestly for patience and he who hears our prayers will certainly imbue you with the needed patience”.

Love

Havilah

Nelly and Feyi met for the first time on the University Campus when moving their things into the hostel. They discovered they were to occupy adjoining rooms and they immediately clicked. The next morning, they were surprised to find out that they were course mates and instinctively, they sat beside each other. This was the beginning of a remarkably close friendship that was running its third year. It was vacation time and Nelly decided to spend some time with Feyi at her parents’ home in a neighbouring town – Ibadan. This would further cement their bond and provide Nelly with the opportunity to attend Bode’s birthday party. Bode, a classmate of theirs, also lived in Ibadan and had invited them to his 21^st birthday party.

To Nelly’s shock, a couple of days before the party, Feyi informed Nelly that she should be silent about the party in any discussions with her parents. Nelly was astounded and asked “How do you mean? Surely, we cannot attend the party without informing them and carrying them along!” Feyi replied “You do not know my parents, especially my mother. Trust me, once she gets a whiff of it, we are going nowhere. Her mindset is that parties are for unserious people, and she believes only negative things happen at parties e.g., drinking alcohol, smoking, doing drugs, drugging girls, rape, etc. Any invitation to a party meets with a definite “No” and her word on anything is final. There is no room for discussion. She is very authoritarian and draconian in approach.” Nelly reminded her by saying “Girl, you seem to have forgotten that you always gist me about some of the nice parties you attend during holidays. Have you been fibbing to me”?

 Feyi responded with a laugh saying “Attending parties involves espionage and planning for me. My parents are extremely regimented and stick to their routines. After the family evening prayer at 9 pm, you will have noticed, everyone retires to their rooms, and we reconvene at 6 am for morning prayers. I lock the gate before retiring to my room and by 10 pm most days my parents are fast asleep. Sometimes they check that everyone is fine when they wake up to use the toilet, somewhere between 2 am and 3 am. If I have a party to attend, I deliberately leave the gate unlocked so that I can tiptoe out, shoes in hand, and call for a ride once I am out of sight. I make sure I am back before 2 am and that is fine.”

Nelly shook her head and replied “Feyi that is so wrong and dangerous for several reasons –

1. It is deceptive.
2. You expose the entire family by undermining the security arrangement.
3. If anything, unexpected were to happen to you…hmm, the family will be thrown into confusion by not knowing where to start searching and trying to fathom what could have transpired”.

She continued -“If you don’t mind, I would rather inform them about the party and try to convince them about it”. Feyi then ended the conversation with a shrug of the shoulders and a quiet “You might as well say goodbye to attending, I know my parents”. True to Feyi’s prediction, permission was denied, and the two girls missed attending Bode’s party.

Undoubtedly our parenting styles are as different in approach as parents themselves. It is however important to note that in bringing up balanced children we must modulate parenting to allow the children some input. Two-way communication in any relationship is key in ensuring a balanced view of the subject matter being discussed or contemplated. There are pros and cons to every issue and all parameters should be carefully weighed in coming to a decision. Where a parent insists on having his/her way, the reasons should be logical and explained to the child so that it is understood. The consequences of such action or inaction should be made clear so that the consequences of the offending action or inaction are expected. When parents are overbearing, this could lead to stifling the children and preventing them from rational thinking in making decisions and in some cases, rebellion. On the other hand, permissive or uninvolved parenting can also lead to unbalanced children. Parents must therefore strike a balance in guiding and nurturing the children without being overbearing or draconian, neither should the approach be laissez-faire. May the Lord grant wisdom to all parents in this regard.

Love

Havilah

A night of tributes had been arranged for sister Efua and the auditorium was filled to capacity and overflowing with grieving family members, friends and acquaintances. Sister Efua had touched lives. A lot had been said and it was now the turn of her only biological child – Yau (an oncologist) to give his tribute.

“I will start this tribute by saying that I owe all I am today to the courage and strength of my mother as exemplified by her strong faith in God who empowered her to be who she was. She was different things to different people but most importantly she was recognised by all as a praying woman. On her death bed, she slipped into my hands her testimony and requested that I read it to everyone at an appropriate time after her demise… I read:”

EFUA’S TESTIMONY

“I leapt out of bed as a result of the intensity of the sun’s rays. I must have overslept! I checked the clock on the mantlepiece – it was 9.30 in the morning and Kwesi (my husband) had already left for work. My teenage son, Yau was at home having been suspended from school for gross misconduct, he was still lazing in bed. I had been laid off from work in recent times because of the looming recession and the need to downsize at my office. My whole life was a mess. I fixed a quick meal for Yau and myself. After eating, I popped my anti-depressant pills all the time asking myself, where I got things wrong. A few years back, everything seemed to be going so well…a great job, Yau doing well in school, and Kwesi the perfect husband and doting father. What happened God, and why me? I decided to attend our church’s midweek service (after all I no longer had time constraints since I had no job). We had always been ceremonial Christians attending church service only on festive occasions, so this was novel.

That fateful Thursday, at the midweek service, I felt a certain release from the feeling of depression and waited behind to see the convener (a female member of the church’s praying band) after the service – Sister Dora. I poured out my heart, concerns, and challenges to her amid bouts of weeping, but sister Dora was patient, empathetic and consolatory. She then led me to pray and promised to partner with me in prayers and guide me through the process. She explained that I may not experience immediate miraculous changes but that if I developed my faith in God and focused on him, there would be subtle changes perfecting my situation.

As I returned home that night, under Sister Dora’s tutelage, I started praying constantly. The more time I spent in devotion, meditation on God’s word and prayer, the more I experienced a feeling of inner peace and calmness. I grew in faith and knew instinctively that the next step was to rebuild my relationship with Kwesi. In those days we lived like housemates – separate lives with monosyllable communication. My attempts at intimacy were rebuffed with a wave of the hand and he spent an increasing amount of time away from home. Yau on his part was largely locked up in his room left to his whims and caprices. The word of God taught me that a family that prays together stays together, and I yearned for that unity. It was not easy to whip up the interest of my husband and son, but I recalled that with God all things are possible and that propelled me to take my desires to God in prayer on my knees. I asked God for the right utterances and that he should teach me what to do and help me mend the broken fences of relationships. Gradually, things turned around and my husband was responsive, so we commenced praying together. The next project was Yau. As his parents, we prayed for and with him, showed interest in his well-being and activities, engaged him in conversation, came to terms with his concerns and confusion and gently steered him towards active participation in teenage church activities. This impacted his behavior and performance at school. His grades improved and he became a reference point to his peers by parents and teachers alike.

Just when things seemed to have taken a 360 degrees turnaround, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I underwent palliative treatment but now, things were different. I had an inner strength that comes from a firm conviction of knowing the God I serve. I knew he is able to deliver me because nothing is impossible for him to do. However, if he fails to do so, he has a reason, and it surely will glorify him. I can only encourage all mothers that there is power in being a praying woman, and it gives serenity and peace that passes all understanding. Even in the storm, you experience calm.”

Yau continued “my mother became an intercessor and encourager. She continued to pray and serve as a source of strength and encouragement for others who were going through some form of adversity or the other. Most never knew the pains she was going through as she was so effervescent and always smiling. Today, I stand as a living testimony to the efficacy of a praying woman. Her memory will always be blessed”.

His tribute received a standing ovation even as he descended the podium.

Love

Havilah

Have you ever tried to have an escape room experience? I had the privilege about a year ago when I visited an Escape room in the company of my young adults and not only was it fun, but it also taught me the importance of teamwork, especially as a family. It made me realise that family bonding harnesses individual talents to arrive at solutions. Everyone has something to offer.  No one has all the answers and sometimes the most ridiculous suggestion may just be the solution to the challenge.

So, what exactly is an escape room? It is a game – a fallout from the famous 2019 movie titled “The Escape Room”. This game involves a group of persons – family and or friends locked into an enclosure and given a time frame to escape from the environment. There will be obstacles and challenges strewn along the way that can only be overcome by combined effort. Sometimes, you may not actually complete the task within the time frame allotted but you would have given it your best shot.

A recent chat with my friend Romoke prompted my recall of today’s topic. This is her story.

Romoke is a widowed mother of two children in Secondary (High) School. She has just completed the construction of her residential building to accommodate herself and the children. After congratulating her, I asked if there were notable challenges she experienced while building and she responded:  “Haa…Havilah, there were challenges of supervision, pilferage, and shortage of funds but there is one I will never forget, hmm, it is good to have good children o”. She continued –“It was a Friday afternoon and I had miscalculated my funding requirements for the week. I would not have access to funds until the next Tuesday and my workmen were threatening to leave the site if they were not paid on or before the next day – Saturday. I was at my wit’s end as to what to do. I was owing everyone I could borrow from and if the workers left the site, getting them back to work would cause delays and hardship to access the next tranche of mortgage borrowing. All my pleas to the workers fell on deaf ears and I returned home totally deflated. Mope, the older of my children observed my mood and prodded me as to the reason. I opened up to her and she asked, me “Mum, how much do you need?” Upon my response that N30,000.00 would solve the problem she said I should stop worrying. She then walked over to her brother’s room and called for his piggy bank. Together, they broke their piggy banks and, you better believe it, they came up with N35,000.00 in change. My dear, N200 and N100 notes never felt so good. They saved the day! Incredibly, these children understood the problem to be a collective one and teamed up to provide the solution.”

A number of things struck me from Romoke’s story:

1. She had open communication with the children regardless of their ages. They knew about the project and were carried along.
2. She had taught the children the essence of saving for the” Rainy day” and they recognised the situation for what it was – a rainy day. They correctly evaluated the situation and provided a solution timeously.
3. The children understood the project as a collective one and saw the challenges as one that required collective input and participation in solving.

So, why did her story remind me of the Escape Room experience? These were my takeaways from that experience:

Anything that challenges one member of the family should be viewed as a collective challenge to which other members can proffer solutions. It enhances the bond.

Solutions should be offered in a timely manner in order to be effective. There are situations in which “Better late than never” is no good.

Empathy is a necessary emotion to be cultivated.

Everyone has unique talents and attributes which can be brought to the table to ensure solutions.

In summary, bonding experiences offer an opportunity to foster unity and understanding within a family. It enables you to observe the strengths, weaknesses, talents, etc. of the individual members and better coordinate them for the collective good. A bonding experience can range from the very simple like playing cards or other games to family vacations. There is always something to do together. Please do not undermine it!

Love

Havilah