All hands are on deck for Tundun’s wedding to Dejumo. Her three friends and flatmates – Brenda, Jedidah and Ihuoma (together classified as her “bestos”) are excited and x-raying the events of the past twelve months that have resulted in this long-desired event. Tundun, now 32, had experienced three prior relationships which had all ended in disappointment with very traumatic experiences for Tundun. All three had been people she knew in school or had met in her working career and she had physical interactions with them, their friends and family. Her friends were sceptical therefore when Tundun announced to them about twelve months back, that she had met Dejumo on Facebook and had decided to meet him in person after numerous chats and video calls. Tundun took the one-hour flight to Port Harcourt from Lagos, just to meet with Dejumo physically, early in their relationship. The three-day weekend sojourn in Port Harcourt was enough to settle her mind to give him a chance. The relationship grew stronger and both parties were convinced that they had common objectives, interests and values and were willing to give marriage their all.

As the “bestos” chatter excitedly, they review their single status and the options open to them as regards meeting their potential partners.

Brenda sighs: “I wonder what the young men are looking for these days. You meet with them at work, weddings and church, enjoy discussions and each other’s company, yet all they do is friendzone you. As Ladies, we can’t afford to be brazen about our interests so what do you do where the guy does not show interest. Na wa o”.

Jedidah replies: “What do you say about those who seem to show interest then tactically withdraw just when you think they will pop the question and get down to proposing? The next thing you know, they are getting married or you find out they were married all along”.

Ihuoma adds: “I keep wondering what chances we have with all the pandemic hullaballoo, limiting movement, events and interactions. The last two years kept things in limbo because of all the COVID restrictions. Thank God, things are finally getting relaxed and interactions are gradually being reinstated.

Brenda interjects: “Yes o. Thank God we can get to meet one another again. However, given Tundun’s success with Dejumo, maybe we should consider internet dating possibilities”.

Jedidah immediately opens the Google Search engine and reels out Wikipedia’s information regarding the subject.

WHAT IS INTERNET DATING:

“Since the 2010s, Internet dating has become more popular with smartphones.

Online dating (or Internet dating) is a system that enables people to find and introduce themselves to potential connections over the Internet, usually with the goal of developing personal, romantic, or sexual relationships. An online dating service is a company that provides specific mechanisms (generally websites or software applications) for online dating through the use of Internet-connected personal computers or mobile devices. Such companies offer a wide variety of unmoderated matchmaking services, most of which are profile-based.

Online dating services allow users to become “members” by creating a profile and uploading personal information including (but not limited to) age, gender, sexual orientation, location, and appearance. Most services also encourage members to add photos or videos to their profile. Once a profile has been created, members can view the profiles of other members of the service, using the visible profile information to decide whether or not to initiate contact. Most services offer digital messaging, while others provide additional services such as webcasts, online chat, telephone chat (VOIP), and message boards. Members can constrain their interactions to the online space, or they can arrange a date to meet in person.

A great diversity of online dating services currently exists. Some have a broad membership base of diverse users looking for many different types of relationships. Other sites target highly specific demographics based on features like shared interests, location, religion, sexual orientation or relationship type. Online dating services also differ widely in their revenue streams. Some sites are completely free and depend on advertising for revenue. Others utilize the “freemium” revenue model, offering free registration and use, with optional, paid, premium services. Still others rely solely on paid membership subscriptions.”

WHAT ARE THE PROS AND CONS?

While online dating may be considered a veritable option for meeting profiled suitors with probability based on sheer numbers of potentials resident in all parts of the world, a lot of “catfishing” occurs with insincerity, dishonesty and lies strewn all around. It is, therefore, necessary to follow up on initial contacts on the internet with good old-fashioned physical contact. It is however noteworthy that even in physical dating, there has been observed insincerity and dishonesty, how moreso where dating is virtual.

The threesome conclude that there is no hard and fast rule – no one size fits all approach to dating as different strokes exist for different folks. Nothing beats seeking God’s face and earnestly waiting on him. He makes everything beautiful in its time. Eccl 3:11

Glossary:

Besto – A slang for a very close friend.

Friend zoning – Regarding someone solely as a friend despite their avid interest or desire for a deeper relationship.

Freemium – A business model where a company offers basic or limited features to users at no cost and then charges a premium for supplemental or advanced features.        

Catfishing – The process of luring someone into a relationship by means of a fictional online persona.

Reference: Wikipedia

Love                                                                                        

Havilah

It is 4pm on Saturday 20^th December and four generations of ladies from the Onakoya family are gathered to celebrate great grandma Binta Onakoya at ninety. The modest celebration is over and the ladies engage great grandma in earnest conversation.

“Maami, after the bustle of today’s celebration, I think you deserve a nap and rest. I don’t know how you manage to be so active and alert at ninety. Its incredible! At sixty two, I am already done for the day. My knees ache and I am exhausted” Zubaida quips.”Besides, this menopause menace is making me feel unusually uncomfortable these days. I need to go take a rest in an air conditioned room. By the way maami, how come you never enlightened me about the health challenges associated with the aging process – the physical and physiological changes which all require health management.  Suddenly, I can no longer do the things I used to and all I hear is change your lifestyle, diet and exercise habits.”

As Great grandma clears her throat, Dotun, who is thirty six says “Hey mom…you did the exact same thing. No pep talk about the surprises in marriage, pregnancy and even raising the children especially the teenage years. What about managing home and career….juggling both without dropping the ball? Whew….I appreciate you the more daily  as I wonder how you coped with five of us combining the role of chef, nutritionist, nurse, teacher, counsellor, disciplinarian etc, meanwhile I struggle with just two children. Now, I understand when you say – ultimately, rest is only achievable in the grave.”

Twelve year old Atonte, who had been attentive all along , chips in…”Mom, you are doing a great job of things and I see you as my role model. I love being a woman (at least that is what I expect to grow up to be), but the discomfort created by this menstrual cycle is discomfiting. Bio does not have to go through all this, it’s unfair. It demands a higher level of cleanliness and care to ensure I am not embarrassed by stains and the cramps every month…I wish I could pass on them.” Dotun responds to Atonte with an explanation. “Atonte dear, Bio is a boy and your roles are different. I know you’ve been taught about Reproduction in school. God created women to bear children, so the eggs you produce monthly are fertilised by a male sperm to enable you conceive. Each month from the age of puberty till menopause, a fresh egg is produced. Once it is not fertilised, it is shed and discarded as a menstrual flow. Therefore, the shedding of the unfertilised egg each month is what comes as the monthly menstrual cycle which can be suspended during pregnancy and resumes after childbirth.”

Great grandma Binta clears her throat and states in a clear voice.” Maybe I should share my thoughts on the cycles of a woman’s life, something to remember me by when I’m gone.” she laughed. ”I categorize the cycles women pass through into five.

1. THE GIRL CHILD (1-12years): At this stage, the girl child and boy child are much the same except that girls tend to be gentler and settle down into maturity faster. They display an innate motherly instinct which they display with their dolls and pets.They however learn to do whatever they are exposed to as well as the boy child – be it climbing trees or playing football. This is the stage at which they must be introduced to the word of God and his expectations. “Train up a child in the way she should go and when she is old she will not depart from it” –  Proverbs 22:6
2. TEENAGE/YOUTH (12 – 20years): Self consciousness sets in as she attains puberty. Physical and physiological changes occur bringing about self discovery. She subconsciously starts thinking about and preparing for marriage and child bearing/rearing while at the same time working on career moves through school or tutelage. Atonte dear, I believe you are moving to this stage and I assure you, while it can throw up its own frustrations and disappointments, it is a period of learning in all ramifications. Increased Spiritual growth.
3. WIFE/MOTHER (21 – 50years):  God prepares her emotionally and physically for the institution of marriage and its attendant responsibilities. Her body is prepared to take the pain associated with childbirth, the aftermath of Eve’s encounter with the Devil in the garden of Eden…Gen 3:16 of the Bible.  He also blesses the union with children, both biological and “adopted”. During this cycle, the woman also is building her career or trade, she is upwardly mobile and displays innate multi-tasking abilities. This is a period when she bustles with vigour and the energy required to train children. This cycle can only be successful if you hold steadfastly to God. Dotun….well done, Atonte attests to your success in this cycle.
4. GRANDMA (51-70years): At this point she gradually reduces her hustle and retires from a vigorous career but remains active both mentally and physically. Menopause kicks in because God knows her energy can no longer cope with bearing, rearing and training children. The body suffers from the toll of child bearing and aging so she needs to watch her diet, exercise and maintain a happy life balance. Take care of her physical health and mental health. Zubaida dear, now is the time to relax and enjoy the benefits of your past labour of love. Undoubtedly, aches and pains will arise as the body parts begin to age but you can ride with the tide and manage them. This is a time when you need peace of mind and contentment while keeping both your body and mind active. Enjoy the simple things of life, see the good in every situation and pray for family, friends, neighbors, nations…in short, pray without ceasing.
5. GREAT GRANDMA (71+years): Prepares to meet with her maker, the author and finisher of her faith. Set her house in order and protect her legacy in prayers. Eat, Rest, Enjoy life Read the Holy book and PRAY.

You must however note that there is a common thread that runs through all five cycles and that is  what I refer to as the God factor.  You must study the word, pray and fellowship with others to keep in tune with God and his plans for you at all times. He it is who makes a way where there appears to be none. Not everyone lives old enough to go through all the stages but whichever, one attains, God’s grace suffices.”

At this, great grandma Binta, kissed her ladies goodnight and settled down to a restful sleep.

Love

Havilah  

Rodiyah met Frank on the University Campus in her final year as a student of dentistry. Frank  was pursuing his Housemanship at the Teaching Hospital and was completely “blown away.” After a couple of years courtship, the lovebirds got married and settled down  to raising a family. Five years into the marriage, with two children – Sandra and Cynthia, cracks started appearing in the marriage. Pressure set in from Frank’s family for him to marry a second wife. The reasons given were threefold:

1. Rodiyah had only given them female children and Frank being the only son of the family, they needed an heir to carry on the family name.
2. Rodiyah was from a different culture and they  found some of her traditions alien and contradictory to their expectations.
3. She had an Islamic background even though she had converted to Christianity, out of love for her husband.

Consequently, both she and her children were often ostracised at family engagements in spite of Frank’s disapproval of their descrimination.

Soon, the pressure from his family got to Frank and he started spending more time with friends, drinking after work. This continued and he made a new set of friends at the bars he attended. On one of the nights he was drowning his sorrows in alcohol, one of his newly acquired friends (nicknamed “Magic man” for his ability to proffer solutions to EVERY problem) commented on his situation and advised that he follow the advice of his family and have a son even if outside wedlock. He promised to introduce him to a woman he was sure would fit the bill. Shortly after, Magic man introduced Frank to Ngozi and they hit things off. After six months of dating, Ngozi announced to Frank that she was pregnant. Frank’s joy knew no bounds as he now spent more time with Ngozi, to the neglect of his family. A hitherto happy family now became  tense and unhappy. Rodiyah was no longer welcome at Frank’s family events and he showcased Ngozi instead, confident that she would be the mother of the heir they sought. Rodiyah was devastated but turned to God in service and prayers.

Needless to say, Frank’s financial situation deteriorated by the day as he had formed a habit of drinking, which took a toll on his resources and maintaining Ngozi was by no means cheap. Rodiyah had to take on the onerous task of running her home with much of the children’s expenses devolving on her.

Sadly, Ngozi suffered a still birth and the much awaited son was dead on arrival. Frank’s sorrow knew no bounds especially as Rodiyah, who had suffered the brunt of neglect in the nine month span, was now ready to move on with her life. Frank’s life was in shambles, his marriage was seriously under threat due to his neglect and infidelity, he had taken to alcohol for solace, his old friends no longer associated with him, his finances were drained and his work output suffered.

Hope however came in the form of an old school friend of Frank’s -Dozie – a Marriage Counsellor who had recently returned from a four year sojourn in the U.S.A, and ran into Frank (who  was looking disheveled) at a bank ATM. Dozie scheduled a counselling session with Frank and Rodiyah to help them resolve the issues that were putting a strain on their relationship. At the end of a session of twelve visits spanning three months, Rodiyah and Frank resolved that it was in both their interest and that of the children to pick up the pieces and salvage their marriage.

Dozie started by referring them to the Bible and reminding them that the book of Songs of Solomon 2:15 refers to the “Little foxes that spoil the vine”. He likened marriage to a vine, an institution which like the vine is expected to produce sweetness like the grapes of the vine, but which can be attacked by seemingly inconsequential , mundane things that impact the health of the marriage. After analysing the deterioration of their marriage, he identified “Three foxes” at play which were responsible for the state of the marriage:

• Family: Frank had allowed himself to be swayed by the dictates of his family. He needed to display maturity and establish his independence. If he was happy with his family status he should have guided it and shielded his wife from their targeted bigotry. Gen. 2:24 of the bible states that “A man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

• Friends: Friends can have a positive or negative influence on a person depending on the type of friend. Good friends have a positive impact while bad friends have a negative impact. Clearly, friends made at drinking houses usually do not have deep roots and their advice should be  treated casually. Magic man’s advice was a couterproductive solution to the problem. Frank was trying to tell God he doesn’t trust him to do what is best for him so he will help himself. If his attitude was that God will always work in his best interest, he would wait for God to provide the son and if he didn’t, would accept it as God’s will. Helping God has never been a solution. Suppose the male child would cause the parents much pain, shame and reproach? Why not trust the God who knows the end from the beginning?

• Finances: The responsibility of marriage calls for Financial prudence as finances must be properly harnessed and managed by the couple, to achieve the corporate goals of the family. Where either party is reckless or unable to contribute to the financial wellbeing of the family, this creates a strain on the marriage. Frank’s foray into alcohol and keeping a mistress, undoubtedly impacted on the finances available for the family.

Nevertheless, the holy books all talk about the importance of forgiveness especially where an erring party realises their mistake and is prepared to make reparations/corrections. He therefore appealed to Rodiyah to forgive her husband and help him pick up the pieces. God never gives up on us once we retrace our steps, he forgives us and gives us a second chance.

As Rodiyah, what would you do…accept the counsel of Dozie or leave Frank to his fate?

Love

Havilah

Who sat and watched my infant head
When  sleeping on my cradle bed,
And tears of sweet affection shed?
My Mother.

When pain and sickness made me cry,
Who gazed upon my heavy eye,
And wept for fear that I should die?
My Mother.

Who taught my infant lips to pray
And love God’s holy book and day,
And walk in wisdom’s pleasant way?
My Mother.

And can I ever cease to be
Affectionate and kind to thee,
Who wast so very kind to me,?
My Mother.

Ah, no! the thought I cannot bear,
And if God please my life to spare
I hope I shall reward thy care,
My Mother.

When thou art feeble, old and grey,
My healthy arm shall be thy stay,
And I will soothe thy pains away,
My Mother.

Love

Havilah

At a radio programme on the subject of Sexual Harassment, four discussants were invited to share their experiences and perspectives on the said subject. Three  of them had experienced sexual harassment at some point or the other while the fourth was to shed light on the position of the law regarding sexual harassment. The Interviewer/Moderator introduced the topic by defining sexual harassment as described by Wikipedia as “a type of harassment involving the use of explicit or implicit sexual overtones, including the unwelcome and inappropriate promises of rewards in exchange for sexual favours. sexual harassment includes a range of actions from verbal transgressions to sexual abuse or assault”. She further added that sexual harassment can occur  in so many different settings such as the workplace, home, school, church etc. harassers or victims may be of any sex or gender. However, the preponderance of reported victims are female. She welcomed Shalewa, Jolomi, Tayo and Balami to the show.

Shalewa opened the discussion by sharing her experience as an undergraduate student where she experienced harassment by the Dean of her Faculty in her final year. One day, he summoned her to his office and calmly told her that if she wanted to graduate that year, she needed to accept his hitherto rebuffed advances. Of course, the rest is history as she yielded to the pressure.

Moderator: “But, couldn’t you have called his bluff and reported him to the school authorities? Or gone public with it”.

Jolomi interrupts : “It’s not that easy, mind you, she needed to graduate. He wielded his authority over her”.

Shalewa explains:” I come from a financially underprivileged background and was seen as the beacon of hope the family had. I couldn’t allow ANYTHING stop my dream especially as I knew how hard it was to get my fees paid. I really was in a quandary and felt I had no option. Besides, it would have been my word against his, it didn’t happen in this digital era you know”.

Jolomi takes it from there: “In my case , my experience was in the workplace where a male colleague was always ogling me, making sexually explicit comments like “I dream of what you’d be like in bed” and seeking the slightest opportunity to brush against me. I made a report about this to the Head of Human Resources who incidentally was male, but he ignored it. I resigned and opted out of the organisation”.

Tayo interjects with a laugh.:” Don’t ever think this harassment thing only affects females o! You can’t imagine my shock, when the Proprietress/Managing Director to whom I was a Personal Assistant, turned her gaze on me and started initially by making sexual insinuations and connotations which I pretended to not understand. She became emboldened and brazenly threatened to sack me if we did not have a relationship. I was still single and she was a divorced mother of two”.

Moderator: Hmmm… Balami, can you give us the position of the Law with regards to Sexual harassment and useful advice for victims of this serious and prevalent menace. .

Balami clears his throat and begins: “The position of the Law is clear on this as Sexual harassment is not condoned by the law courts.

1. Sexual abuse constitutes a violation of human rights under the constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, as S. 34 of the Constitution speaks to the right to dignity of a person and S.42, the right to freedom from discrimination. Sexual harassment is a violation of one’s human rights and s therefore actionable in law.
2. Both the Criminal Code (applicable in the Southern states of Nigeria) and the Penal Code (applicable in the Northern states,  make sexual harassment a punishable CRIMINAL offence.
3. In addition, various states have enacted their unique laws that address this menace e.g The Kaduna State Penal Code Law, 2017, S.262 and the Criminal Law of Lagos State 2011.

 Chapter 25 of the Lagos State Law provides for Sexual offences and states under S.262 as follows:

(1) “Any person who sexually harasses another is guilty of a felony and is liable to imprisonment for three (3) years.

 (2) Sexual harassment is unwelcome sexual advances, request for sexual favours, and other visual, verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature which when submitted to or rejected –

(a) Implicitly or explicitly affects a person’s employment or educational opportunity or unreasonable interferes with the person’s work or educational performance

(b) Implicitly or explicitly suggests that submission to or rejection of the conduct will be a factor in academic or employment decisions or

(c) Creates an intimidating, hostile, or offensive learning or working environment”.

With particular emphasis on sexual harassment in the workplace, The National Industrial Court whose jurisdiction it is to handle Labour and Employment related matters, under Order 14 of its practice rules, recognizes sexual harassment in the workplace as an actionable offence. The renowned case of Ejike Maduka vs Microsoft which established the liability of employers and employees alike, for cases of workplace sexual harassment in Nigeria, is a case in point.

In view of the foregoing, my advice to victims of sexual harassment is that they should be bold to report it, escalate it within the establishment. The place of the Law is that an employer can be held vicariously liable for the sexual harassment committed by its employees and every employer has a duty to have a policy on sexual harassment and must investigate reported cases in line with such policy.

It however behooves on the victim to prove:

1. That the behaviour complained against is connected to sex or gender.
2. That the conduct is severe or pervasive (it goes beyond being simply annoying).
3. The behaviour is unwelcome, persistent, discomfiting, hostile or intimidating.
4. The liability of the aggressor, whether the offender or his employer”.

Moderator: ’Thank you Mr. Balami. Unfortunately, some persons claim that such harassment is usually caused by the overt or covert invitation of the victim by their actions, dressing etc. In other words, there is nothing like sexual harassment, it is only an excuse when things go south/sour. Can I have your parting words on this”?

Shalewa: ”Sexual harassment is a sad reality and commonplace in institutions of learning”.

Jolomi : ”Undoubtedly, it is also common in the workplace”.

Tayo: “It most certainly exists and is not limited to the womenfolk”.

Balami: “The Law undoubtedly recognises it so it is a fact and certainly not  myth”.

Love

Havilah

Beatrice met Anselm during her hunt for employment at a prominent hospital in a high brow area of the state. Anselm worked as a pharmacist in the hospital and Beatrice had attended an interview for the position of Laboratory Scientist in the hospital’s Laboratory and although she did not secure the position, she met the the man of her dreams – Anselm. She secured what she considered as the best thing to ever happen to her. They started dating and within six months, wedding bells were ringing. They were inseparable. They got married in a quiet , private wedding at St. Barnabas church with Anselm’s sister – Ine, and Beatrice’s aged mother as witnesses.

It was a marriage made in heaven and any seeming  disagreements were handled in an atmosphere of tranquility and concord. The couple were soon blessed with two children – Dapo (male) and Chioma (female). Anselm was every bit the “Perfect” husband, attentive, caring, responsible and very calm. He now had a pharmacy owned and run by him while Beatrice worked in a food and beverage manufacturing company. The children were doing well in school and life was good, that is until…disaster struck.

One evening, Anselm came back from the Pharmacy complaining of numbness in his limbs and unsteadiness on his feet. In addition, he felt nauseous and fatigue with a recurrent headache. Beatrice immediately rushed him to their family hospital and after a series of tests were run, Anselm was diagnosed with malignant brain tumour. In spite of the best medical care, Beatrice underwent the harrowing experience of watching her husband slip away to the cold hands of death. The bottom fell out of their hopes of recovery.

Unfortunately, the worst was yet to come. Two days later, while still grieving her beloved husband, a woman breezed into the house with a set of twin girls, about four years older than Dapo. She introduced herself as Uju, flaunting a marriage certificate and birth certificates before Beatrice. She claimed to be Anselm’s bona fide wife and that the twins were his children.  Uju  in a haughty tone stated calmly “As the lawful wife of Anselm Chideobi, I am here to bury my husband and take my rightful place in the scheme of things. If you need copies of these certificates to enable you verify my claim, I will leave them with you.” A petrified Beatrice collected the copies and amid tears soliloquizes aloud “ Could Anselm have been so cruel? Could he have made our marriage vows knowing he was not qualified to take them? Could the Anselm I know, have kept this dark secret away from me?”She immediately summoned courage and called Ine her sister-in-law hoping to hear that the words she had just heard were a figment of her imagination. After three short rings, Ine picked the call and confirmed her worst fears, indeed Uju’s marriage preceded hers and the marriage was never annulled, but she thought Anselm had opened up to her about it. He had recently briefed a lawyer to commence divorce proceedings, before he fell terminally ill.

At the funeral, both Uju and Beatrice featured as Anselm’s wives and thereafter, Pastor Blessing paid Beatrice a visit. She asked about the welfare of Beatrice and her two children and inquired about the position  with the Pharmacy and a few other assets that Anselm had. Beatrice broke down in tears stating that she did not have a clue as to how to proceed or what the next steps should be and Pastor Blessing admonished that she join a Widows group such as the Naomi sisters where she would have access to the following areas of counsel and succour:

• Legal and Probate Services
• Religious activities
• Social interactions and Interface
• Empowerment programs etc.

Love

Havilah

N.B. Naomi Sisters is a Widows Ministry operating from Surulere, Lagos, Nigeria. Kindly send a mail to Havilahspeaks@gmail .com for enquiries.

Binta had just gained admission to the University and her brother Abdul, organised a picnic in her honour. Binta invited her friend from school, sixteen year old Ama, a pretty, quiet and naive orphan who lived with her maternal aunt. At the picnic, Ama met Kofi, a second year student of the university who expressed keen interest in her. One thing led to another and Kofi forced her into having sexual intercourse with him. She was ashamed and embarrassed at what happened and told no-one about what happened. About three months after the incident,  Ama exhibited some symptoms which she assumed was malaria, but her malaise continued in spite of completing the treatment for malaria. Her widowed aunt/ guardian Aunty Efua , took her to the hospital where she was confirmed three months pregnant. Aunty Efua could not conceal her shock and disappointment. ”Not Ama, how could it have happened”? After quizzing her niece thoroughly and berating her for her actions, she invited Binta and her brother for interrogation. During the interrogation, Abdul  informed Aunty Efua that Kofi was actually an acquaintance of a friend and not well known to him. He had visited from Ghana and since returned there. Thereafter, Aunty Efua sat Ama down to an instructive lecture on the choices available to her, highlighting the pros and cons to enable them arrive at the best decision in the circumstances.

Aunty Efua started by reprimanding her for going against the grain of her religious upbringing which advocates abstinence from  sexual activities. She however explained that there are a number of options available to Ama in her present predicament and offered to discuss the pros and cons to enable them make an informed decision. She went on to explain the available options  as follow:

1. “Early marriage – The question on this is – how prepared are you to marry this young man Kofi? Can you locate him and even if you do, will he be interested in getting married to you? Even if he is, you are both very young and do not have the maturity to handle the challenges marriage offers. So, much as this is an option, it is fraught with its own challenges such as finding the father and convincing him to be responsible, taking care of the baby while you both face your academics, providing for yourselves and the baby in the interim etc.For this to work, it requires the full co-operation of the parents/guardians. How does Kofi’s family see it? Would they rather “adopt” the child as theirs to raise or request that you raise the child but receive some form of child support from them. Whichever solution or combination of solutions is agreed, it is advisable you have access to your child, to provide maternal support. We will need to see Kofi’s parents to settle on this”.

• “Single parenting – If Kofi is totally averse to your having the baby and /or being responsible towards it, you may need to steel yourself up to be a single mother pending when you are blessed with a partner who will be both a husband to you and a father to your child. I however warn that it can have enormous though surmountable challenges. The emotional and financial toll of raising the child will be yours although, I will assist as much as I can”.

• “Adoption – We can register you with an adoption agency after weaning the baby and thereafter, you can return to school. Once they find interested parents that meet our preferred criteria, they will contact us to bring the baby over. I must however warn that once the child is given over to the adopting parents, all your motherly rights over the child cease and you must make a mental effort to forgo the child”.

After giving the options much thought, Ama settles for adoption especially as she barely knew the father. She sets her mind on having the baby and weaning it while preparing for her JAMB examination.

             .

Meanwhile, Yele and Bolaji Badmus had been married for eight years and had remained childless despite several attempts since marriage. The first five years were filled with the misery of miscarriages and the next three with failed attempts at In Vitro Fertilization. Totally frustrated, they sought the advice of a marriage counsellor who analyzed the options available to them. In the absence of biological children, the counsellor proffered two options:

1. Surrogacy. This could be:
2. Traditional in which case Bolaji’s sperm would be inserted into a surrogate mother who would bear the child. This however makes the surrogate mother the biological mother of the child and Bolaji, the Biological father. This can result in relational issues and controversies later in life as the Biological mother may create problems in spite of the agreements and documents signed or
3. Gestational, where Yele’s egg and Bolaji’s sperm would be combined and inserted into the surrogate mother which merely  makes the surrogate mother the vehicle for bearing the child. Yele would then remain the biological mother.

.

• Adoption. This is  a legal process where a person takes on the parenting of a child from its biological parent and the child becomes his/hers legally.This terminates the parental rights of the birth parent and transfers all rights regarding the child, to the adopting parents. To facilitate this it is better to engage the services of an adoption lawyer as the relevant laws differ from place to place. Identifying an adoptee may be done through an adoption agency or an orphanage. It involves a lot of paperwork and usually, the adopter (prospective parents) do not interact with the adoptee’s parents.

Ama eventually registered with an adoption agency and gave birth to a healthy, bouncing baby boy. When her son was eight month’s old, the Agency reached out to inform her that suitable parents had been found for her son. Though reluctant to part with her son, she saw it as the most viable option for his care and upbringing. Mr.and Mrs. Bolaji Badmus, gained a son and were glad to shower him with parental love. A win/win situation, or was it?

Love

Havilah

That time of the church season when Christians the world over celebrate the all encompassing ubiquitous Love of God. The death of Jesus Christ on the cross is significant  of the magnitude of God’s love for mankind. While  ruminating over the immeasurable love of God captured in John 3:16 which reads “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life”,  it occurred to me that a mother’s love, though significant, pales in comparison to God’s love for us.

The below lyrics  of a popular song resonate with today’s theme. It refers to a mother’s love. So here is to you!

NO CHARGE – Harlan Howard

My sister’s little boy came in the kitchen one evening
While she was fixing supper
And he handed her a piece of paper he had been writing on
And after wiping her hands on an apron
She took it in her hands and read it
And this is what it said:

”For mowing the yard five dollars
And for making up my own bed this week one dollar
For going to the store fifty cents
And playing with little brother while you went shopping twenty five cents
Taking out the trash one dollar
And for getting a good report card five dollars
And for raking the yard two dollars
Total owed one fourteen seventy five”.

Well she looked at him standing there expecting
And a thousand memories flashed through her mind
So she picked up a pen and turned the paper over and this is what she wrote:

”For the nine months I carried you holding you inside me – no charge
For the nights I sat up with you doctored you and prayed for you – no charge
For the time and tears and the costs through the years –
There is no charge
When you add it all up the full cost of my love is – no charge

For the nights filled with dread
And the worries ahead – no charge
For advice and the knowledge
And the cost of your college – no charge
For the toys, food and clothes and for wiping your nose
There’s NO CHARGE, son
When you add it all up
The full cost of my love, is – no charge”.

Well, when he finished reading
He had great big old tears in his eyes
And he looked up at me and he said
“Mama, I sure do love you.”
Then he took the pen
And in great big letters
He wrote: “PAID IN FULL”.

JESUS CHRIST PAID THE  PRICE FOR OUR SIN IN FULL BY HIS DEATH ON THE CROSS…When you add it all up, the full cost of God’s love is NO CHARGE!

Happy Easter y’all.

Love

Havilah 

Nanwor and Jevbe sat in Jevbe’s sitting room discussing over a sumptuous meal of banga and starch prepared by none other than Jevbe’s mother – in- law. Mrs. Esamah had been visiting Jevbe and her son Uamai, to take care of her latest grandson and would be leaving back to her home in a fortnight. She had just left her daughter- in- law Jevbe  and her friend Nanwor, to retire into her room for some much deserved rest.

“Lucky you Jevbe, I wish all mothers-in-law were like yours. The harmony and conviviality is so obvious!” Nanwor exclaims and Jevbe quickly interjects, “You haven’t seen anything yet. Mama is a rare gem. She bathes and dresses the baby, changes diapers, uses hot compress on my stomach region, prepares meals and even washes the baby’s clothing. I couldn’t have it better. She is also a very appreciative woman”.

Nanwor chuckles and says “Do you remember how Sade used to insist that she would never marry a man whose mother was still alive and how we would always correct her by reminding her that she would one day be in the position of a mother-in-law”. She then launches into a tirade “Aah…little did I know that I would end up with a mother-in-law who makes my life miserable with her tyrannical behaviour. Miskom’s mom looks for every opportunity to ridicule me in private and in public. Nothing I do for her is ever right. Even when I buy things for her from the goodness of my heart, she finds a way to show it is not appreciated. My culinary exploits are rebuffed and I hear things like…”Is that my food or for your dogs? You are  so useless you cannot even conceive”… as if I am God who gives children.”

Jevbe hugs Nanwor and utters words of consolation, both of them totally oblivious that mama Esamah has walked in on them and is observing them closely.

Mama clears her throat and takes a seat. She explains “I am sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing part of your conversation when I came in to fetch the baby’s shawl for laundry. As a Deaconess of my church and counsellor in the Marriage Department, I feel tempted to offer some advice if you wouldn’t mind”. ”My dear, man is a social being that is shaped and influenced by various factors and incidences including environment and experience. Have you tried to find out things that may have shaped your mother-in-law like background, education, beliefs, her experiences in marriage, biases etc. With this knowledge, you may be better equipped to understand and tolerate her. It may also help you identify how you may unwittingly have trod on her toes. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to make excuses for her or justify her behaviour which is indeed hurtful.”

Mama continues with her advice “You may also need to flash your mind back to her reactions to you when you were dating your husband. Usually, there would have been red flags which you either glossed over or ignored. If she was fine with you then, something must have caused the change and a self examination may help you identify the reason for the change. If however, you still cannot place a finger on the reason, discuss your concerns with your husband – Miskom, who may be able to elicit the reason from her.

Nanwor speaks up amid sobs…”I’ve asked Miskom and he says he doesn’t understand why she treats me the way she does. He is however very supportive of me and tries to shield me from Mama’s abuse, which further infuriates her”. Nanwor continues “Unfortunately, I lost my mother the year I got married so I really miss a mother figure”.

Mama Esamah, draws a deep breath and pats Nanwor on the back. “Nanwor dear, one solution that never fails is taking everything to God in prayer. His word teaches that we should ask and we shall receive. Ask him to deal with the situation, to take control of your mother-in-law’s heart and fill it with love. Ask that she will begin to see you in a new light and that God should bless your marriage with his fruits. There is no impossibility with God and he will grant our requests according to his word.

At the same time, show mama love and respect in spite of her actions towards you. The Lord will surely touch her, sooner or later. Patience is the watchword. Please remember that God will never test you beyond that which you can bear. He always makes a way, sooner or later.” Mama then ended with a prayer for Nanwor and Miskom requesting God’s mercy and blessings on their entire family and their relationships.

If you were Nanwor’s sister, what would you advise her to do? Please leave your comments on the blog or e-mail me at havilahspeaks @gmail.com

Love

Havilah

It was February 2017 and Asmau had to leave seven year old Maimuna with Kakar Maimuna (Grandma Maimuna) in Katsina, to pursue her educational career in Kano. Three months later, Maimuna contracted measles from her school and in spite of all assurances that she would recover without any complications, she lost her sight. Thus began the travail of both Maimuna and Asmau. In addition to the trauma caused by the condition, they both had to deal with stigmatisation. As a result. Asmau blamed herself and constantly wondered…”If only I had remembered to inoculate her against measles at nine months as instructed by the Health Centre where she was delivered”. Asmau had travelled with Maimuna around then and forgot about the instruction. “If only I hadn’t left her back home,… could kakar have been a little negligent as a result of a lack of understanding, could this illness have ended differently?” So many unanswered questions. Five years later,  Asmau took Maimuna to a school for the visually impaired, where she can have access to a good education  with the help of Braille instruction.  

She arrived at the school which is a Boarding facility and has a sister school for children with auditory impairment (also referred to as hearing impairment) all housed in the same compound. As she traced her way to the principal’s office she came across a young girl of Maimuna’s age and stature whose mother referred to as Tilewa. Tilewa was deaf and at Asmau’s prodding Tilewa’s mum, Bunmi, explains the circumstances of her impairment. Bunmi had a mild fever and slight flu like symptoms when she was about two months pregnant with Tilewa, but dismissed it as a mild flu since she felt better within three days or so. Little did she know that she had Rubella (German measles) which though a mild illness, was dangerous for the unborn baby.She was born deaf. Bunmi therefore could not forgive herself for her seeming carelessness which she felt was responsible for Tilewa’s plight.  Both mothers immediately felt like kindred spirits and bonded nicely. Asmau also gave Bunmi the background to Maimuna’s situation and they exchanged phone numbers promising to keep in touch.

Three weeks later, Asmau receives a call from Bunmi who invites her to  a Webinar titled ”LIVING WITH PHYSICAL DISABILITY – A PARENT’S PERSPECTIVE”. The facilitators are:Professor Ekaete Udofia – A Professor of special Education and Dr. Bode Hassan, a Therapist on parenting. Important nuggets from the webinar, are summarised below:

1. CAUSES OF PHYSICAL DISABILITY/IMPAIRMENT IN CHILDREN: Children who have physical impairment are described as children whose mobility, stamina, physical functioning or dexterity are impaired. This can be hereditary, congenital or acquired. Congenital impairment is where the condition develops in the foetus prior to birth or where it occurs at birth while Hereditary impairment is where it is genetically transferred from either parent during development of the foetus. Acquired Impairment on the other hand occurs at any point after birth.

There are various types of physical impairment in children but the most common are mobility impairment, visual impairment, hearing loss, chronic fatigue or pain and seizures (epilepsy).

2. EDUCATIONAL NEEDS: It is important to note that children with purely physical impairment are capable of achieving their preferred careers upon attainment of the right education. Where the impairment is both physical and intellectual the severity of the brain damage will determine what is achievable. However, in order to achieve the desired educational standard, the child must best attend a Government approved school for children with special needs. There the teachers are trained to handle such children by using the relevant teaching methods and aids e.g Braille for the visually impaired, sign language and lip reading for the deaf and dumb etc. To enable them succeed, some technical  aid is also required such as canes to assist the blind with mobility, Braille machines for transcribing their notes, Braille typewriters for their assignments, hearing aids and speech to text applications for the hearing impaired (deaf and dumb), and crutches and wheel chairs for those with mobility impairment.

3. PARENTAL GUIDANCE:

• Parents must first and foremost rid themselves of the feeling of guilt that arises when they become aware of their child’s impairment regardless of the cause, whether hereditary, congenital or acquired. It is quite natural to hold yourself responsible for your child’s impairment but you must Learn to accept what cannot be changed.

• Help your child to live his life to the fullest by helping them dream and guiding them towards achieving the dream. They can reach the highest echelon of any profession or career that does not require the use of the impaired organ.

• Find the right school for their specific need.

• Obtain the relevant technical aids required to assist them in the learning process e.g. Braille machine for the blind, speech to text equipment for the deaf and wheelchair for the mobility impaired.

• Encourage them to indulge in outdoor and sporting activities were feasible. Do not be overprotective and let them explore their environment within safe limits.

• Spend quality time with them and build up their confidence in themselves. Let them know they can accomplish their dreams.

• Do not neglect their spiritual growth. Teach them to pray and take them to worship with you.

• Remember, they are no different from normal children and help them live as near normal a life as is feasible with their impairment.

• Be sensitive to their frustrations and periodically encourage them as it is “ normal” for occasional outbursts as a result of frustrations.

• Lastly, make sure you look after your own mental health and wellbeing, taking deserved breaks.

It is noteworthy that ALL children are GIFTS from God and need to be nurtured with Love to enable them reach their full potential and children with special needs, whether gifted, intellectually impaired, or physically impaired, are no different. It is the duty of parents to enable them fulfil their God-given purpose and full potential, regardless of the challenges involved. The Bible says “God is faithful and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape that you may bear it.” 1 Cor. 10:13.

Love

Havilah