Salome and Ndidi were inseparable friends, always seen together on campus. They reminded one of the nursery rhymes about Mary and her Lamb. Tofarati, on his part, was the young man of every girl’s dreams—the kind whose every action screamed, “Take me home to Mama.” Tofarati was polite, kind, considerate, good-looking looking and well-mannered. Of all the girls on campus, he had his eyes on Salome, but each time he approached her to start a relationship, she shunned him. The truth, though, was that Salome liked him but was playing the age-old “hard to get.”

One warm afternoon, Ndidi (the bolder of the two) decided to visit Tofarati in his room at the Staff quarters to inform him of Salome’s interest. She intended to set the ball rolling for her friend because they had noticed that Tofarati seemed to be relenting in his pursuit. Ndidi met Tofarati, shivering yet running an extremely elevated temperature. He had malaria, and there was nobody around to help. Ndidi felt the right thing to do was to sponge him down with tepid water to bring the temperature under control and administer anti-malaria drugs after fixing him some hot soup. Thereafter, she intimated to him of her mission, which was to assure him that Salome was interested in striking friendship with him. At that point, Tofarati looked Ndidi straight in the eye and asked her directly, “What about you? Don’t you like me? Ndidi was caught unawares and stuttered coyly, “I-I-I I bet every girl on campus likes you,” she said, averting her gaze and taking her leave. Tofarati responded with gratitude for the information regarding Salome and promised to act on the information.

Ndidi headed back to meet with Salome and intimated her of the action taken and Tofarati’s response. She informed Salome that Tofarati was unwell but deliberately omitted her actions in ameliorating his state.

Days passed and Tofarati regained his health. He visited Ndidi to appreciate her kindness during his ill health and appeared to switch his affections toward Ndidi. Salome was livid about her friend’s “betrayal,” while Ndidi pleaded innocence because her visit had been motivated by concern for her friend. She had no ulterior motive. She felt no guilt as she felt she had only done the right thing in the circumstances she had found him and had not contemplated shifting his attention. No amount of explanation could convince Salome that Ndidi’s actions were not a deliberate ploy to win Tofarati’s affection. Although she had consented to the visit, she had not contemplated the actions she undertook – sponging and cooking. Worse still, Ndidi deliberately omitted that portion from her narrative of what had transpired that day, so she felt the actions were preconceived. She labeled her a schemer. Ndidi, on the other hand, explained that she omitted to report the actions she undertook because she knew her friend to be insecure and did not want to ruffle her feathers.

Please share your thoughts in the comments section. Could Ndidi have managed things differently, given what she knew about Salome and her interest? Could her actions be perceived as a betrayal of friendship? Ndidi is at a crossroads as she cherishes her friendship with Salome, but at the same time, she genuinely likes Tofarati. What should she do?

Love

Havilah

Mother’s Day was celebrated a couple of days ago, and while some mothers were celebrated, others were disdained. Incidentally, just a day before, I was out shopping when I caught a ten-year-old boy attempting to pick a pocket. After calling the attention of the would-be victim and thereby foiling the attempt, I cornered the boy and interrogated him about himself. My questions revealed that he lived with his mother in a one-room apartment some distance away, and he claimed not to have eaten that day. (Mind you, this was around 5 pm). According to him, he was an only child, and his mother had gone partying, which was her usual practice at weekends.

On Sunday, as part of the Mother’s Day celebrations, I watched a playlet that distinguished between the characteristics of a good mother and a bad mother. Wikipedia describes a mother as “the female parent of a child. A woman may be considered a mother by virtue of having given birth, by raising a child who may or may not be her biological offspring, or by supplying her ovum for fertilisation in the case of gestational surrogacy.” This description therefore covers stepmothers, adopted mothers, Spiritual mothers, Godmothers, etc. A mother’s role is undoubtedly pivotal in the proper development of the child because of the emotional attachment, sacrificial love, and affection she exhibits in raising the child. Unlike a caregiver, she is expected to sacrifice time, emotion, and resources as she partners with God in raising the child. She moulds him/her to be a successful individual by shaping perceptions of life, relationships, and interactions while playing the critical role of mentorship, instilling values, habits, and life skills throughout life. She intuitively feels his/her needs and concerns, offering active involvement and support. It follows that a good mother is one who fills the bill, and a bad mother is the converse.

This reminds me of two friends – Rounke and Bimpe. Both had remained friends through university and beyond. After marriage, Rounke settled down to her motherly role, mentoring and monitoring her children, Bambo and Moni. She even passed up an opportunity to take on a high-flying job with a multinational company that required much international travel, preferring one that afforded her the time to mentor and monitor their progress. She sacrificed so much for them that she built a close-knit family of four comprising her husband, herself, and the children. This resulted in phenomenally successful children who were greatly admired by all who came across them. Bimpe, on the other hand, was the chronic socialite – at every society event, borrowing to keep up with the Joneses, investing time and effort in social activities to the detriment of Bolude, her only child. More recently, she was invited by Bolude’s principal and served with his letter of suspension for cult related activities and for poor grades in his academics. The School’s Guidance Counsellor had waded into his matter and, after a series of interrogations, had submitted his report to the principal. The report was an indictment of Bimpe. It appeared Bolude’s behaviour was his way of seeking his mother’s attention. He had suffered neglect from her and craved her attention and affection. He loved her dearly, but believed she did not care about him, and whatever he did was of no consequence.

As we reflect on the true essence of motherhood, we must remember that the family is a microcosm of society, and the mother holds the steering wheel, guiding the family. She sets the building blocks for the child’s development. Undoubtedly, a good and proper upbringing is essential to a better future generation. While I doff my hat to mothers who are effectively playing their role, I pray that those trailing behind will view this as a wake-up call to the tremendous responsibility on their shoulders in raising the next generation. May the Lord grant mothers the wisdom, strength, and willingness to do the needful for their children.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

Love

Havilah

Odion and Omon are tightly knit twin brothers who were determined to marry in a foursome wedding. While Odion’s fiancée, Isoke, routed for the idea, Omon’s fiancée – Nonyelum, was indifferent. Nevertheless, all four planned the wedding assiduously, having fixed the wedding date after carrying all three sets of parents along. Both Isoke and Nonye were in their mid-thirties and under pressure from family and peer groups to “settle down.” Some two months before the wedding, Nonye, who was quite spiritual, had a troubling dream about her fiancé, Omon, but could not quite remember the dream. She, however, recalled that the dream portrayed him to be a different person from the beloved Omon she knew and respected. Suddenly, she realised that her prayers had been geared toward God making Omon the perfect partner for her. She stopped and had a rethink. She needed to ask God to be aligned with his perfect will for her, not to rubberstamp her choice but to guide her in making the right choice. She started praying for God’s perfect will, and the more she sought God’s face, the more she felt something was wrong with her choice, so she decided she would not be stampeded but would rather wait for God’s confirmation before going ahead with the wedding. She sought out Omon and asked for more time, but he rebuffed her and told her he would get married on the set day, with or without her. When she broke the news of their breakup to her parents, they were angry and embarrassed but agreed that marriage was not a decision to be taken lightly, and she needed to be sure before embarking on it. They told her in plain terms,” Once you are in, you will never have our blessings if you come out.”

 As for Odion and Omon’s parents, they were furious but went ahead with the plans, hoping that Nonye would come round. Omon’s mum surmised,” She is probably experiencing cold feet and will get over it.” Omon, on the other hand, encouraged his family to continue with the plans; little did they know he had a plan B, until a week after Nonye’s bombshell, he surfaced Shewa as his proposed bride. Isoke was shocked but nevertheless happy that the proposed foursome wedding would still hold. When Nonye got to hear about Shewa through Isoke, she went into her closet and gave thanks to God for the revelation. Obviously, she now knew Omon was not God’s choice for her, and who knows what untold challenges she would have faced if she had followed her own choice. She continued to seek God’s face concerning his choice for her, and six months after the scheduled wedding, she met Michael. As she prayed concerning him, she felt peace and an acclamation from God. She invited Isoke to her wedding with Michael and was surprised to learn that Odion and Isoke were already filing divorce proceedings. Isoke had found out after the wedding that the twins were not just philanderers but also steeped in occult practices. They had merely pretended to be Christians to obtain “wife material” from the church.

Often, we pray to God for guidance, but usually we already have a preferred line of action, a preferred option which we ask God to perfect. So many of us predetermine our children’s school or cause of study and merely ask God to make our choice possible, forgetting that God has his plans for each of us. His plans for us are perfect, and by imposing our will over his, we sometimes derail destinies. We even seek to help God achieve our desires and preferences by using our sphere of influence to achieve OUR desired goal, which may be at variance with God’s will for us. Oftentimes, when we are at variance with God’s divine purpose or will, we end up struggling to maintain a balance, whereas God’s will for us is achieved with ease. Even when we meet with challenges along our way, he enables us to overcome them, and if he decides to let us remain in them, he gives us the grace to abide, all for a purpose.

May God guide our steps and enable us to pause and inquire from him regarding direction, before rushing into decisions.

Love

Havilah

Myna’s story reminds me of a play I watched some decades ago titled “A Streetcar Named Desire.” The story started similarly to Myna’s, where a young lady named Blanche lost her husband when he committed suicide as a result of her discovery of his homosexuality. To Myna’s story, which is the focus of today’s post.

Myna, an amiable and energetic young lady, married Buba (her husband) at the age of twenty. Buba met her during her National Youth Service Year when she served with the bank where he worked as an AVP (Assistant Vice President). Despite the age difference of twelve years, Buba, a suave, smooth talker, appeared to be head over heels in love with the young, naïve Myna. A year after they met, they were married, and their marriage seemed to be the kind on which fairy tale marriages are patterned. Myna was the envy of all her friends and acquaintances. However, fifteen months into the marriage, Myna is faced with a shocking discovery that has her head reeling and her world crashing around her.

That morning, as she prepared to attend her visa interview at the embassy, she suddenly realised that she had left home without her passport and hurriedly sped home to retrieve it. As she swung into the driveway, she spotted Buba’s car parked in the driveway. She pondered his return home, especially as she saw no sign of his trusted driver, Ahmadu, lurking around. Without losing focus, she headed straightaway for the master bedroom, intent on picking her passport from the bedroom safe, but as she opened the door, her gaze fell on a spectacle that left her dumbfounded. She gasped and steadied herself with the console table – thinking, her eyes must be deceiving her. This could not be her Buba and their steward Jeff, locked in this “nude ecstasy.” Her head spun as she regained her consciousness and headed for the safe. Buba was oblivious of her entry, and it was the slamming of the safe door that triggered his realisation of her presence. Myna glared at Buba and walked out in silence, a sequence of emotions, taking turns – anger, disappointment, betrayal, self-condemnation. Would she ever trust him again, let alone any man?

In her car, she placed a call to her “bestie,” Monica, who drove her to the interview, after which her emotions got the better of her and she broke down in tears. She agreed to spend the night with Monica to give her an opportunity to clear her head and rein in her emotions before confronting Buba. All his phone calls were ignored as she played back what she had seen and tried to understand why it happened. Obviously, it was not the first time. Buba had consciously kept his little secret throughout their dating period. The way he fawned over her, she could never have guessed. She was suddenly reminded of the times she came calling and Jeff would come out of Buba’s room hurriedly, sweating. Buba always had an explanation – “he was cleaning the room, or was called in to assist with something or the other. She now understood why he had rejected the suggestion of a female aide to replace Jeff or to work alongside him. He had been up in arms…”You cannot trust these girls. They are largely husband snatchers using both hook and crooked methods. Some even get diabolical in a bid to achieve their aim. Alternatively, you may be unwittingly providing Jeff with a wife, which may affect the quality of service rendered. Let us keep it this way, dear.”

Myna was in a quandary. Should she talk it out with Buba, should she walk out on him, or… Simply ignore what she had seen, after all, he loved her, and she was expecting his baby. Who could she discuss this with without impugning his character and placing him in jeopardy? As she took a sedative, she prayed, “Dear God, please teach me what to do. Help me make the right decision for us and our unborn child.”

If Myna were to approach you for advice, what would you say?

Love

Havilah

Nonyelum, the tenth child and only girl born to a subsistence farmer father in the village, was initially despised by her mother, who was anticipating the traditional honour usually given to women who were able to have birthed ten sons. At her naming ceremony, however, the Dibia (traditional Diviner) took a deep breath after carrying her in his arms and exclaimed, “This child has an impressive future and will be the saving grace of not just her family and community but will make an impact on the world.” How that would happen seemed far-fetched, especially since her parents were poor. Nonye’s parents emphasised the training and education of the boys, leaving Nonye to help their mother at home and attend church on Sundays. Nonye’s inquisitive and intelligent nature caught the attention of the Reverend Sisters at the village Catholic church, who decided to sponsor her education at the Catholic primary school. There, she earned the nickname “the goldfish.” She was so intelligent that she earned a scholarship covering both tuition and boarding fees at the High Brow Government School in the nearby city. Just before she left the village, in her bold and brazen manner, she walked up to her principal and demanded to know why she was referred to as the Goldfish.

Nonye possessed an insatiable curiosity, much like a goldfish exploring every nook and cranny of its tank. She was always eager to learn and discover new things, whether it was the intricate patterns of the stars in the night sky or the hidden secrets of the forest. Her eyes sparkled with wonder as she delved into books, asked endless questions, and embarked on tasks that took her beyond her comfort zone. She was resilient and adaptable to change, displaying an amiable disposition that worked well for her in all the relationships she forged…at school, work, church, socially, in family circles, etc. Like the goldfish, she was always identified…no hiding place! While in Secondary school, she honed her debating skills, athletic abilities, acting, etc. She was an “all-rounder” and represented her school in several capacities. Her Leadership capabilities were discovered and honed as she was the “Head Prefect” in her set, which set the tone for greater responsibilities in her work career.

It was not always rosy for Nonye as in her private life, she experienced challenges. Her marriage to Charles was fraught with frustration as she put in her best but that never seemed enough. Nevertheless, she faced life’s challenges with a positive outlook and an unwavering determination. When her first child died in mysterious circumstances and her husband walked out on her because he could not manage her success, Nonye’s resilience was evident in her ability to bounce back from setbacks, always ready to face whatever came her way with grace and tenacity. Admired and cherished by family members, both immediate and extended she displayed a unique ability to make others feel valued and cherished, spreading warmth and joy wherever she went.

Her gift for detail endeared her to so many as she never forgot a name or a face, and was wont to remember situations and circumstances, recalling the tiniest details about conversations, places, and experiences. Her friends often marveled at her ability to recall the lyrics of every song she had ever heard or the plots of books she had read years ago. Nonye’s keen memory and diligence allowed her to excel academically and, in her career, forming deep, meaningful connections with everyone she met.

Nonye’s unique attributes did not go unnoticed. A Goldfish, it is said, has no hiding place, and so she became a beacon of hope and inspiration for her community. Her curiosity led her to spearhead local educational programs, encouraging children to explore their passions and pursue knowledge with enthusiasm. Her resilience inspired others to face adversity with courage, knowing that they could overcome any obstacle. Nonye’s radiant energy brought people together, fostering a sense of unity and belonging – A Legacy of Goldfish Qualities.

As years passed, Nonye’s influence continued to grow. She became a beloved figure, known far and wide as the girl with goldfish qualities. Her story inspired countless individuals back in her village to embrace their unique attributes and celebrate the qualities that make them special. Her legacy lives on in the hearts and minds of those whose lives she had touched. Today, Nonye is the President of one of the United Nations bodies. She did not allow her humble beginnings to limit her vision and destiny.

Love

Havilah

Mrs. Gbemudu, a publicly visible personality, a vocal and regular voice on radio, has an only daughter, Evelyn, who was attending a high brow primary school in the city. Sadly, though, Mrs. Gbemudu had consistently failed to pay Evelyn’s fees for two terms, despite several opportunities to do so. She was not in financial distress. It was just not her priority. This being the third term, the principal of the school – Mrs. Petgrave – was left no option than to issue Evelyn a “stay at home “ order, pending the payment of her fees.

Mrs. Gbemudu’s reaction was to storm the principal’s office and withdraw Evelyn from the school. She then proceeded to enroll her in another school at the other end of the city. Given the unusual timing for a school change, Mrs. Gbemudu told the new school that she had just moved into town and had to move with her only daughter. However, unbeknownst to Mrs. Gbemudu, the principal of the new school had reached out to Mrs. Petgrave to obtain a referral as to Evelyn’s academic and moral records. This was precipitated by the interview between the Head teacher and  Evelyn, during which Evelyn let the name of her old school slip. The Headteacher used the Internet facilities to locate the address of the school. To her amazement, the school was located in the same city. She revealed her findings to the principal, who decided to send an e-mail to the school requesting Evelyn’s academic and moral record.

The response to the new Principal was, “Unfortunately, we are not in a position to provide you with the requested records because her fees have remained unpaid. When the debt is liquidated, we will respond.” Consequently, Evelyn was turned down by the new school, and Mrs. Gbemudu was informed that Evelyn’s previous academic and moral records were required, but her previous school was not forthcoming.

A furious Mrs. Gbemudu stormed out of the principal’s office and stormed into Evelyn’s previous school, where she yelled, “How dare you! What you have done is tantamount to defamation of my character, and I will ensure it is aired on radio. This calumny will not go unchecked, and you will hear from my lawyer.”

Incidentally, Mrs. Gbemudu was a keen participant in radio programs often condemning corruption and castigating government officials and agencies for their role in corruption.

The principal of Evelyn’s previous school felt threatened and concerned about the negative impact Mrs. Gbemudu’s action could have on the school. Could she be sued for defamation of character and what rights, if any, cover her? Suddenly, she remembered one of the maxims of equity she had come across while in school. “He who comes to equity must come with clean hands.” Can Mrs. Gbemudu’s action be considered fair and just in neglecting to liquidate her debt? Does refusing to co-operate with the new school with relation to furnishing requested information constitute an actionable offence? Maybe she should have been silent on the reason for her reticence. What do you think?

Love

Havilah

It was a Parent/Teacher forum at one of the high-brow Secondary schools, and the set agenda had been adequately dispensed with, and it was time for the Any Other Business (AOB) segment. As soon as the segment was mentioned, Mrs. Badru, Sekina’s mum, shot up her hand and almost immediately was on her feet. She was at the meeting to complain about the disciplinary measures meted out against her daughter for bullying. Sekina had appropriated lunch served for two other students to herself, causing them to go hungry. Although she did not applaud the behaviour of her daughter, Mrs. Badru argued that it must have happened because the food portions were small. Immediately, an uproar erupted in the hall as parents mouthed their differing opinions about the complaint. In order to bring a semblance of sanity into the hall, the gavel was applied, and parents were allowed to air their views in an orderly manner. Of the various comments made, the lengthy submission made by Barrister Tonworio Jack held sway.

He started by stating clearly that Sekina was wrong, and if she was hungry, she should have taken her dissatisfaction to the authorities rather than deprive others of their entitlement. It shows that she has the wrong values, and she clearly displayed a lack of consideration for others. This, he continued, is the bane of society and smirks of self-centredness. He went on to expostulate further, “There has been an erosion of values over the years, and we sometimes complain that the “genzees” are apathetic, but it is our fault. We cannot give what we don’t have, and there has been a generation where Civic education was totally erased from our educational curriculum, and parents failed to fill in the gaps. Our children no longer feel a compulsion to assist the physically challenged and impaired, vacate their seats for the elderly and pregnant women, or assist in other ways. There is a concerning lack of empathy. What do we expect when parents are seen displaying a total lack of consideration for other road users on the road? Bus drivers stop and take off at will, Zebra crossings are considered mere markings, traffic codes are violated with impunity, and even the courtesy of greetings is ignored. Social events are not left out of the degradation as adults hoard food, drinks, and party favours that are meant to be distributed, collecting multiples and thereby depriving others. The list goes on. To curb this rapid decline in our societal values regarding courtesy, respect, tolerance and empathy, schools have the responsibility of teaching these values and enforcing compliance, which I am glad, the school seems to have done in this case.”

In support of Barrister Jack’s views, Professor Abubakar shared his experience. He was patiently awaiting his turn to pay for a few items he picked up at a supermarket when a young lady cut in front of him and expected to make payment for her purchase. He was initially stunned but found his voice and pointed out that there was a queue, and he was next in line. She replied lackadaisically that she had only one item, which was why she felt she could jump the queue. An elderly lady who had been watching interjected, “You shouldn’t assume, but you should have asked him politely.” I was completely mystified when  the young lady turned on her, asking her to mind her business as she wasn’t the person involved.” Another parent, Mrs. Gbajumo, also had an example to cite. Her car broke down, and she needed to make an early appointment, so she boarded a Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) bus. Because it was rush hour, the bus was crowded, and a few people were standing. Those standing included a heavily pregnant woman and an old man with a walking stick. She immediately vacated her seat for the elderly man and requested a seated student to vacate his seat for the pregnant woman. The boy’s response was to look away and mutter,” My leg is paining me.” Under his breath, he continued, “As if I did not pay for my seat.” The house decided that the discipline meted out to Sekina was justified and commended the school’s efforts in inculcating the right values in the children.

A visibly humbled and embarrassed Mrs. Badru, walked out of the hall, her head bowed in embarrassment.

Havilah is, however, of the opinion that “charity begins at home” and that the efforts of the educators should complement that of the parents and vice versa. After all, if we don’t train them, we cannot blame them for unethical conduct.

Love

Havilah