Some years ago, while attending a work seminar, the question was asked: What do you consider to be the number one requirement for a successful relationship in the workspace? It so happened that of all the solutions bandied, EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION emerged as the answer. It is important to note that in ALL relationships, effective communication plays a significant role in the success of the relationship – whether Parent/Child, Teacher /Student, Employer/Employee, Superior/Subordinate, Husband/Wife or even Colleagues and Peer group.

Recently, Paula, a lady in her late fifties, was astounded when her husband, in his characteristic manner, sauntered into the kitchen where she had breakfast served on the kitchen Island and was brewing the accompanying coffee and responded sharply to her light banter. She merely teased him with “Benebo, it appears you are ravenous this morning?” His sharp response was, “What happened to good morning? I notice that you never wish me a good morning.” She felt taken aback but managed to stutter, “But you are always still sleeping when I leave the room to fix breakfast. You come in to meet me; what stops you wishing me a good morning first?” To this, Benebo reeled out, “It means you lack home training.” Paula held her peace but retreated into thought as they ate their breakfast in awkward silence.

Paula searched the past and realised that since they got married some thirty-seven years before, it had never been the practice to wish each other a good morning. In the early months before the children were born, she had to leave early for work while Henry still slept as he had a later resumption time. Consequently, by the time they interacted, “good morning” was no longer relevant. They, however, greeted each other with pecks, hugs, and banters. Fast forward to the period of child rearing, while he slept, she hurriedly prepared the children for school, and even when she requested that they pray as a family, he was reluctant to disturb his sleep and eventually excused himself from the family prayer time. Consequently, they never developed the routine of wishing each other a formal good morning, talk less of praying together and sharing experiences for the day. Now, they are both retired and homebound, and the effect of years of lack of effective communication is rearing its head.

Havilah opines that Communication lies at the building blocks of successful relationships and should commence first with God. We must call on God and thank him first thing in the morning. Collectively approaching him as a family is encouraged as the scriptures make it abundantly clear that prayers are more effective where a minimum of two are gathered to pray in unity of purpose. Our first “Good morning” is to our creator, even before we get out of bed. Subsequently, communication between a couple should take place. My opinion, though, is that communication does not have to be through words or formal. The closer the relationship, the less formal communication tends to be.

Back to Paula and Benebo. It appears that effective communication is lacking. Benebo is probably feeling uncomfortable about their communication or lack of it and is reacting with his outburst. It behooves Paula to seek an appropriate time to broach the subject matter, and both parties must make a conscious effort to wrong the mistakes of the past through effective communication.

To further help Paula and Benebo, your advice will be most welcome. It can be sent to the comment section of this post. My take is that several marriages are experiencing similar challenges, and our advice may assist in the resolutions.

Love

Havilah

Ipalibo and Ibinabo grew up as neighbours living in the same compound. They attended the same primary and secondary schools until Ipalibo’s parents moved to another city, and the friends lost contact with each other. Fast forward about fifteen years down the line, Ipalibo is a successful banker in one of the first-tier banks. While walking back to her car from a meeting, she is approached by a shabbily dressed lady for alms. As she digs into her designer handbag to pull out some change, she looks into the face of the lady and has some recollection of the face. She pauses and asks, “You look familiar. It appears I know you, but can you assist my recollection?” The lady shakes her head and stutters, “You must be mistaken. I do not know people in your class.” Ipalibo hands her the cash, and the lady moves on. Suddenly, like a thunderbolt, it hits Ipalibo, and she calls after her. “Wait…Ibinabo, it is me Ipalibo!” Ibinabo turns around and comes closer peering into her face and with a nod of recollection says “AH, my friend Ipalibo, things have gone well for you o.”

Ipalibo drives her friend to a nearby eatery and engages her in discussion as they both catch up on the happenings in their lives. Ibinabo is the first to spill out her story. “Ipalibo, you were aware that I got admission into the government university in our town to study Mass communication. Hmm, I got in, and living in the hostel with no one to look over my shoulders, I stabbed classes and naturally, I failed woefully in my first year. I was advised to repeat the year but could not imagine becoming classmates with Ibiye (my younger sister), who had gained admission that year. I dropped out of school, and after a year of failing at business ventures, I gave up on myself. Honestly, Ipalibo, I am good for nothing. As soon as I dropped out, my parents gave up on me and left me to my devices, especially as Ibiye was doing fine.”

Ipalibo shook her head gently and said, “Ibi, you are not good for nothing. Do you remember we were always ahead of our class in school and won so many prizes? I also had a tough year. When my mum passed on in my second year, it affected my grades, and I had to repeat the class. I took it in my stride, determined to ace all subsequent examinations and tests and graduating with a Second Class upper. It was pride that led to your downfall. You should have focused on your goal and tenaciously struggled to achieve it. Anyway, it is not too late to pick up the strings and make something out of life. Hey, let us meet up at the weekend, and I will see how I can be of genuine assistance. Soliciting alms is not an option, my dear friend.”

Parents, especially mothers, have a pivotal role in determining the success of their children. They must understand the individual unique temperaments of their children and mentor them accordingly. Some children are born fighters; they do not give up on anything, including themselves. They are focused on their goals and, even when they waiver, find their way back. Others are easily discouraged and afraid to try. They are afraid of failure. Parents must mentor their children to face challenges and build their confidence. Children need to be taught that success does not come on a platter of gold. One must remain focused on the goal and strive towards it. Whether the goal is Spiritual, Educational, Financial, Career, or Entrepreneurial, there will be challenges, but focus combined with industry, diligence, and teamwork, etc., achieves the desired results. Many a successful entrepreneur encountered failures on their journey. The saying “success is failure turned inside out” lends itself to the interpretation that setbacks and failures are not the end; rather, they are stepping stones, opportunities for learning and improvement ultimately leading to success.

Love

Havilah

Bade is with Juanita in their bedroom discussing the family finances when he suddenly inches closer to Juanita, stretching his hands toward her breasts which Juanita deftly deflects. Bade’s response is to ask “Honey, how come you willingly release these breasts to Jokotade to suckle and hold but are quick to rebuff my attempts to touch them.” Juanita laughs and with a shake of the head, gently teases him – “Bade, are you really jealous of Joko? She is a baby and needs to suckle. Are you a baby?”

In another scene, Obi turns to Nogi accusing her of neglect. His complaint,” Nogi, you always come up with excuses when I need to spend time with you. If it is not…I have to check the children’s assignments, it is I have to take Mimi to her swimming lessons, Ikem has a football game, or the kids and I are off to the mall, …you are always busy with them and when it is bedtime, you are so tired, you promptly fall asleep. Don’t I deserve some of your time also?”

Haroun’s complaint is not much different. “Maina, why do you always allow the children to steal our time together? They are always interrupting our time together and you allow them to get away with it. They want to sleep on our bed and come barging into the room on one excuse or the other and you always fall for it.”

These are just three scenes representative of some of the pressures married couples with children have. In the case of Haroun and Maina, they had waited for over seven years before the children came and then, they had triplets.

Unfortunately, the wife/ mother is in the middle of it all so she must learn how to balance her time and affections. She must know when to say “No” to the requests from her husband and/or children especially since she also needs to indulge in self-care.

She must involve the husband in some of the bonding time with the children. It should never be him or them. Daddy can take Ikem to the football game while mummy gets some rest and is less tired. Also, family outings and games help the family understand one another better. A woman wears so many caps it can be dizzying so she needs to balance the equation. While she grapples with self-accomplishment and self-care, she needs to be the caregiver to her family, the encourager to all, the mentor to the children, and the lover, companion, and prayer partner to her husband among other responsibilities. If it all appears daunting, it is because it is. But, taking the perspective that it is all achievable with the help of God, makes it a lot easier. The more time the family spends together the better the understanding and acceptance of each other’s needs. The Bible says, ‘A family that prays together stays together” and that is true. When the family starts and ends the day praying together, things are bound to smoothen out.

Nobody says it is easy juggling the balls to enable satisfaction for all the members of the family but with love, cooperation, and understanding, the burden becomes much lighter.

Couples must remind themselves that the children will eventually outgrow the nest and husband, and wife will have themselves to reckon with. It is therefore important to create the right balance for the sustenance of a happy marriage.

Love

Havilah

While listening to the Natasha story on a prime television station last week, I couldn’t help asking myself what it is about sexual harassment/ molestation that makes it so rampant, that it is almost a pandemic. For those unfamiliar with the story, it involves an allegation of sexual harassment brought by a female Senator in an African country against the Senate President of the country. The allegation has garnered mixed reactions across the globe. However, my emphasis today is not on the story itself but rather, on the prevalence of sexual harassment in society at large. Although both sexes experience sexual harassment and/or molestation, it appears that women are the predominant victims. From the classroom to the work environment, even the marketplace, women are not treated with the respect they deserve, and this spans all categories of women – single, married, divorced, and widowed. I recall when in my youth, shopping at the Open markets for clothes the traders, in an attempt to elicit patronage, would practically drag you into their shops and some made lewd remarks as young ladies walked past. It was the norm, and nobody batted an eyelid over it.

However, the trend appears to be on the increase especially as many reported incidences of sexual harassment by highly ranked persons tend to be glossed over and do not even receive a slap on the wrist for their actions. How else does one explain the fact that the President of a world power who was often touted as having sexually harassed and molested several women, still won an election mandate?

I am reminded of the story of Nene who was sexually harassed by her husband’s closest friend – Femi. Femi had been the best man at Nene’s wedding to Obaro. Obaro was a pilot and was often away on long trips from home. One day while Obaro was away, Femi came calling early in the morning, ostensibly to check on his closest friend’s family and ascertain their well-being. Nene was caught unawares as she was busy preparing the children for school. Femi did not resist the urge to grab her breasts through the filmy nightgown she had on. Nene’s sharp reflex earned him a sound slap on the cheeks and as she pushed him out the front door, she called out for help. A couple of days later, Obaro returned from the trip and a visibly agitated Nene, recounted the scene she had with Femi a few days earlier. She needed to let him know that his friend could not be trusted if he could make sexual advances at her. Nene was shocked at Obaro’s reaction. He merely shrugged his shoulders in silence and Nene felt disheartened. Did Obaro really care about her? Did it not matter to him that a man tried to take advantage of her sexually, more so, a family friend? Nene noticed that Femi’s action appeared to have no effect on his relationship with Obaro as they carried on as if nothing ever happened. Femi never attempted to repeat that stunt but then, Nene just could not wrap her head around Obaro’s reaction or rather, seeming lack of reaction.

If you were Nene, would you have handled things differently?  Please share your thoughts.

Love

Havilah

Najite and Abiye are two girls in Grade 12 in the same school. Brilliant debaters for the school, they often create intelligent games to challenge their capacities. Today, during their lunch break, they decided to test their knowledge of idioms and their interpretations. While reeling out the idioms, they decided on seemingly contradictory idioms with emphasis on seemingly. Najite came up with “Too many cooks spoil the broth” and Abiye countered with “Many hands make light work. ” Next in line was “Make hay while the sun shines” which was countered by A patient dog eats the fattest bone.” They continued with the game until Najite said “God loves a cheerful giver,” and was countered by Abiye with “A fool and his money are soon parted.”

Incidentally, the last 2 idioms are biblical verses – 2Cor 9:7 and Pro 21:22 respectively. Najite argued that there was no contradiction while Abiye insisted that there was. To break the argument, Najite decided to concentrate on the blessings of cheerful giving and shared the story of her mum’s friend – Aunty Tife. Aunty Tife had her education cut short when her father died suddenly so, she barely finished her secondary education. She married early and had four children while assisting her husband through petty trading. Her last child, the only  girl, was severely impaired with multiple challenges which made it difficult for her to continue with her trade as the child required much attention. Unfortunately, shortly after the baby was born, her husband, the breadwinner of the family passed, and she was still constrained in looking after her challenged daughter. About a year later, she lost the baby as a result of health complications and went back to trading to see her children through school. Despite her challenges and circumstances as a widowed single mother, she was always cheerful and giving. She never visited without a little gift – fruits, sweets….whatever she could afford. She was always willing to give of her time and assist with chores as well. Her eldest son got admission into the university but while in school for his second year, he lost his life as a result of medical negligence at the school clinic. Aunty Tife was devastated but her faith and reliance on God were unshaken, and she struggled to educate the remaining two boys. The children have since graduated and met with God’s favour, having well-paying jobs. She currently lives very comfortably as the children hover around her and cater to her every need. My mum is so enthused about Aunty Tife’s giving and is certain, she typifies the cheerful giver referred to in the bible. She is now so blessed but continues to bless people all the more, with her substance. The Church has decided to ordain her as an Elder, and I hope to attend the event.”

“Wow!” responded Abiye. “This is indeed some story. Very inspiring I dare say. Poor woman, she went through harrowing times but then… he who laughs last laughs best. I rejoice with her on her accomplishments.”

With that story, the duo called it a day and returned to the classroom to prepare for their next class.

Havilah opines that “God loves a cheerful giver” can be interpreted as whatever is given should be done cheerfully and not out of compulsion and that God blesses the giver. In the case of Aunty Tife, she gave sacrificially, regardless of her circumstances. “A fool and his money are soon parted” describes loss experienced as a result of foolishness, imprudent spending, greed, and the like. May we enjoy the grace to give generously and cheerfully while eschewing foolishness in spending.

Love

Havilah

Marjorie invited me over for brunch one Saturday and it was clear she had lots on her mind as she sometimes seemed far away. After some gentle probing on my part, she blurted out…”Havilah, I have been rapping myself on the head over something that I felt could have been better handled. I felt I could have extended more help to someone I met on the streets, but unfortunately, I recently learnt that he had passed on.”

“It is no use crying over spilt milk, my dear,” I replied, ” but can you tell me about it? It may help you feel better. “

Marjorie smiled and took two sips of her smoothie before starting her story. While taking her daily walks she happened upon a gentleman who consistently roamed her route in a manner she regarded as aimless. He would often give her a smile and later appeared to summon the courage for a fleeting “Good morning.”( This did not come as a surprise to me as Marjorie often appeared intimidating with her huge frame and stern look.) She had however observed him, and her intuition was that this person was an educated and possibly enlightened person, but something must have gone wrong with him. On a particular occasion, she observed him staring into a nearby canal and she pondered about what was going through his mind. One day, she suddenly realised that she no longer saw him on her route and hoped things were well with him. About a month later, she ran into him again and decided to stop and enquire about his welfare. She informed him that she had not seen him in a while and hoped all was well. She watched his face light up as if he were excited that someone cared to have noticed his absence from the street. He informed her that he had been ill and did not have adequate funds for the treatment. She then gave him her phone number to send his account details, then continued on her walk. When she returned home, she saw his message and credited his account with some money. He called back to acknowledge receipt, and she felt fulfilled at offering the assistance. Shortly after, she undertook an official trip that kept her out of town for roughly four months. When she returned, she continued her walks but did not see her newfound friend and kept hoping that he was better.

About four days before our little rendezvous, Marjorie received a strange call from someone who was not on her contact list. Receiving calls from unknown persons was not strange because of her profession, however, the call left her distraught. Her new friend’s daughter was going through his phone and trying to reach his contacts to inform them of his demise. Apparently, he had passed shortly after her act of kindness. Just maybe, if help had reached him earlier, he would still be alive.

I reassured Marjorie that her kindness was probably much appreciated and possibly made a difference to his emotional state. “When it is time…it is time.”

Marjorie’s story however reminded me of the second stanza of Glen Campbel’s song – Try a little kindness.

“Don’t walk around the down and out.

Lend a helping hand instead of doubt.

And the kindness that you show every day.

Will help someone along their way.”

Love

Havilah!

As Yahaya sauntered into the house, he observed that the house was in darkness as usual. He was glad he had stopped by at his usual spot to cool off with a couple of beers and enjoy the ambiance before driving home. It was ten minutes past midnight, and he was looking forward to feasting on Hauwa’s excellent cooking as usual. He flicked the torch on his phone and headed for the dining table. To his amazement, the table was bare, and he was immediately filled with horror…this was unlike Hauwa, what could have happened. He practically ran into the room and hurriedly woke her up only to be greeted with “Oh you are back?” Having assured himself that Hauwa was fine, he asked menacingly “Hauwa, what is the meaning of this, where is my food?”

Hauwa replied with a question – “where are you coming from at midnight? I expect you have had dinner to come home at this time, especially since you have constantly neglected to contribute towards our upkeep in this house,” An incensed Yahaya swung out to hit her but missed his target and landed on his knees. “Hauwa, I have often told you that from the day you became my wife, I obtained the right to good and timely meals, sex on demand, and several other rights. I refuse to be deprived!” he yelled.

Hauwa laughed in his face and responded –”Rights without Responsibilities, who ever heard of that? You have consistently failed in your responsibilities whether spiritual, financial, social, or otherwise, but you are always quick to demand your perceived rights. I cannot believe how self-centered you are. Rather than collectively solving our power issues, you would rather fuel your comfort and leave us in the heat…your excuse – you cannot stand the heat. I was born to suffer ehn? Yahaya, you need to review your perceived rights side by side your privileges and responsibilities. Some of what you perceive as rights are in fact privileges and can be withdrawn or withheld where the conditions precedent is unfulfilled.”

Hauwa relayed the incident to Havilah a couple of days later and set me on an expedition regarding Rights, Privileges, and Responsibilities and how they relate to marriage/relationships. The expedition took me to Meta AI where I gleaned the following information.

The relationship between Rights Responsibilities and Privileges is crucial in understanding individual freedoms, social norms, and civic duties.

RIGHTS are inherent and inalienable. They can be defined as fundamental entitlements accruing to individuals and are often enshrined in constitutions, laws, and Agreements.

They protect from harm, abuse, oppression, and discrimination.

They grant freedom and autonomy, enabling individuals to make choices, express themselves, and pursue their goals.

PRIVILEGES are special benefits or advantages granted based on status, position, or circumstances.

They are not inherent or universal and can be revoked or modified. They can be earned or lost.

RESPONSIBILITIES are duties and obligations often in exchange for rights or privileges.

Individuals are accountable for their actions, decisions, inactions, and impact on others.

Responsibilities encourage individuals to participate in the well-being of their communities and societies.

From the above, it would appear that responsibilities exist in marriage whether or not you want to view what accrues from the marriage as a right or a privilege and it is important that both parties fulfill their responsibilities. I however feel that the mode of communication by both parties leaves much to be desired.

Havilah nonetheless welcomes your comments on this topic for a better understanding of it.

Love

Havilah

This is by no means a summary of that famous book by Charles Dickens, which is similarly titled, but please read through it to understand my choice of title.

Arike recently retired as a Deputy Director of Administration in a parastatal at the mandatory retirement age. If she had a choice, she would have preferred to continue in that comfortable position, enjoying the perquisites and trappings of her position. Fortunately for her, her two children were well settled in life and lived in the diaspora, although she lost her husband about five years prior. Arike felt confused, distraught, and afraid of the uncertainties ahead as she was retiring into a void. Luckily, she had a home jointly owned with her late husband back in their hometown. She had not felt the need for a house in the city since her office had always provided accommodation. She had no other assets as far as she could tell. After careful consideration, she decided to relocate to the “village” where she surmised that the stipends from her children, her gratuity, and her pension would have to stretch to meet her upkeep. She dreaded the decline in standards she would face but decided with a shrug, to bite the bullet.

A couple of months after relocating, she stood at the portals of the church when she noticed a sleek Chauffeur-driven jeep pull into the church premises. Who would emerge other than her childhood friend Didi? Their eyes met and Didi hurried toward Arike with a smile and a loud “Arikus…ah, is this really you? What are you doing back in town?” Just then, the service started, and the two friends agreed to catch up after the church service.

After church service, the conversation continued in earnest and Arike informed Didi that she recently relocated to the village having retired, and realised it was in her best interest to enable her to keep her body and soul alive. She needed to make the best of her gratuity and pension. She was cutting her coat according to her size.

Didi took a deep breath and exhaled slowly …” Haba, that is no way to think. There is so much potential in this town. Why don’t you navigate the opportunities and let us see how I can assist? I retired as a mid-level manager of a multinational corporation about eight years ago and returned home. I now wish I had done so much earlier. While at work, I identified the tourism potential of our town and decided to go into the hospitality business and gradually expand into resort facilities, and honestly sis, I am not complaining one bit. I am much more comfortable than when working and I currently manage a staff strength of about sixty persons.” As Arike alighted from Didi’s jeep, she promised to consider more deeply, the opportunities available in the environment  especially since she had been promised assistance.

In the confines of her room, Arike berated herself for:

1. A lack of preparation for her retirement. She had worked hard and put her all into her job. The hard work had paid off in terms of promotions and the heights achieved but she had neglected preparation for the period after. No side engagements, or investments.
2. She ignored her God-given talents which can be made to generate income for her. Her artistic gift could certainly do well in a souvenir shop for the teeming tourists. She also knew the terrain like the back of her hand and had the historical information for the various tourist sites. She could set up a company of tour guides to take tourists around for a fee.

She thanked God and Didi under her breath as she started realising the potential to which she was previously blind. She had previously banished herself to a lackluster life but now she was filled with vigour and the will to seize available opportunities. She determined to pray for God’s direction and guidance as to which of the options to pursue, before approaching her children and Didi for help. Indeed, her town was a “Tale of two cities”…The drab one as previously perceived and the exciting one full of potential as she now saw it. It certainly depends on which side of the coin you are viewing!

Love

Havilah