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MAKE 2025 A YEAR OF WALKING IN GOD’S WILL

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It’s a brand-new year  with great potential, expectations, proclamations, visions and the like. Havilah raises a toast to all of us for crossing over into 2025 and prays for good success, health, upliftment and unwavering blessings for this new year.

During my two weeks break from my PC, I was chilling with friends and family, especially the millennials and genzees visiting Nigeria for “Dirty December” and as I sipped on a glass of white wine, one of the stories caught my attention.

There were three friends who had been friends from their secondary school days through university and beyond – Gbonju, Chima and Uyi. It happened that after graduation Uyi had travelled to the USA and seemed to have stabilised there and frequently sent money to his parents and siblings back at home. He travelled back to contract marriage and during the ceremonies, caught up with his two friends Gbonju and Chima who were already married but finding things difficult in keeping up with responsibilities. He advised them to apply for visas to visit him in the USA – a land he described as “God’s own country.” He promised to help them relocate but advised that they visit without their families to ease the transition, and they could later send for family or bring them over.

About six months after the wedding, Gbonju and Chima were able to secure visitor visas and visited Uyi in the U.S.A and were warmly accommodated at his house. Two weeks down the line, Uyi returned from work and summoned his buddies to a conference. He cleared his throat and started “I am sure you guys enjoy what you’ve seen of the USA so far, but this kind of life must be fuelled by money. We must now think of how you can make your own money to fuel your lifestyle. You know that your visa clearly prevents you from employment so I will introduce you to the ways you can remain here and possibly take on a job.

  1. You can use someone else’s social security number by assuming that person’s identity. Ther usually are persons willing to do this for a fee especially if they are no longer resident in the USA. Are there disadvantages? Certainly, apart from being illegal, the person may already have crimes and /or offences accruing to him.
  2. Engage in an “arranged marriage” with a citizen for a fee and through it obtain a green card.
  3. Apply for asylum claiming fear of persecution back at home.
  4. Legally marry an American citizen.”

Both Gbonju and Chima were silent as they pondered their options and asked for time to deliberate the options. Some two days later, Chima booked his return ticket and bid his friends farewell after an additional week of stay. As far he was concerned, none of the options were agreeable with him and he would rather return home, than do anything illegal or anything that negated his principles. Gbonju on the other hand, decided on option 4 insisting that his preferred option would have been the second option, but he lacked funds to pay for the “service”.

In response to Uyi’s observation that he had obtained his visa on information that he was married, Gbonju decided to procure a “fake” divorce certificate from home. This he did, without conferring with his wife – Gbeke. He felt it was unnecessary as he proposed to divorce his American wife Meredith, after resolving his stay. Unfortunately, things got complicated, and Meredith had a baby boy for Gbonju whereas Gbeke and his two lovely girls remained back home.

After about five years of sojourn in America playing hide and seek with Gbeke, Gbeke obtained a visa to the USA where she came to the stark reality that Gbonju had a legally married wife in the person of Meredith and there was an official divorce record filed regarding her own marriage. Disappointed, she returned home and ultimately remarried.

I took a deep breath and exhaled with a “Whoa! This is profound. So much to learn about how far desperation can lead and the effects of making the wrong choices.” Could Gbonju have fared better? Certainly, yes. Chima was rational in his thinking. Could Gbeke have seen it coming and pre-empted things by visiting along with Gbonju or earlier than she did? Maybe. Nevertheless, as we commence a new year, my advice is that we commit all our plans into God’s hands and keep within the ambits of the Law in whatever we do. The Lord will help us.

Once again…Havilah wishes all my readers a successful 2025!

Love

Havilah

N.B. “Detty December” – Wikipedia defines it as the festive period typically from mid-December through the New Year when many Nigerians including diasporans return home to celebrate and felicitate with family and friends.

BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP

/ Motunde Dada / 2 Comments

As Warami read the posts on her social media, she came upon the information that Donald Trump intends to do away with Birthright Citizenship, otherwise referred to as “JUS SOLI.”  Warami’s heart skipped a beat as she pondered her fate. She was now six months pregnant and had arranged with her eldest sister – Alero, to have her baby in the United States in the first quarter of next year, with expectations that the child would automatically acquire American citizenship and the attendant right of an American. All medical arrangements had been concluded and even though the financial implication was heavy, she had adjudged it worthwhile. Now, she was unsure of whether to cancel the plans or to go along and keep her fingers crossed.

What exactly is birthright citizenship? It is a legal principle that entitles babies born within the boundaries of a country to be automatically awarded citizenship of that country. A number of countries in the western hemisphere actually operate this principle although with some modifications as to other requirements in addition to the fact of birth. In the USA, this principle was adopted under the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution in 1868 and has remained in force since then.

For a lot of parents from Developing countries, the opportunities inherent in having citizenship of a country that boasts rights and privileges, improved education, healthcare and social services are tempting, resulting in the development of “Birth Tourism” whereby, parents like Warami, visit the country, purely for the purpose of birthing their child there. Since 2020, the USA had stopped granting tourist visas to persons suspected to be visiting the country for such purpose. It therefore comes as no surprise that the stoppage of birthright citizenship forms a core part of the Trump agenda on immigration. The big question however is whether he can succeed in taking away birthright citizenship or better still, how easy would it be for him to achieve this?

My thoughts are that stoppage is achievable although it may not be an easy procedure. For it to gain acceptability, it would be easier to amend the provision rather than expunge it. For instance, the provision of the Constitution can be amended to include other prior or surrounding conditions, such as that the mother must have been resident in the USA for a minimum number of years, etc. Any amendment to the Constitution would require a two-thirds vote in both the House and Senate along with the ratification of three-quarters of the states. Consequently, I do not expect that this will be quickly resolved although, given the current global emphasis on immigration laws, it is only a matter of time before there will be restrictions placed on birthright citizenship, globally.

For countries that do not allow dual citizenship, children birthed in the USA or other countries may be forced to forfeit their paternal country with dire consequences, especially for Government or political appointments. Also, USA tax laws are based on citizenship not residency which means that wherever the citizen is located or resident, his taxes will be repatriated back to the USA.

Havilah therefore advises intending parents to look before they leap as the immigration dynamics in most Western countries are changing and they need to make informed decisions especially as they relate to their offspring.

Love

Havilah

DISCERNMENT OF RIGHT FROM WRONG

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As Ladunni and Buky walked away from the Christian Fellowship centre deep in conversation about the bible study that had just ended, they heard a loud honk from an approaching Lexus jeep which packed just beside them. A cheerful baritone voice boomed “Hello Lady Dunni, hop in and let me take you home.” Ladunni quickly opened the door to the front passenger seat and waved her friend to the rear seat. On first appearance, Buky mistook the man in the driver’s seat for Uncle Gbegi – Buky’s brother-in-law who was married to her eldest sister, Aunty Pero. However, as conversations proceeded it became clear to Ladunni that this relationship was beyond the ordinary. When they reached the hostel where they both resided, Buky alighted and Ladunni drove off with the man.

The next day, Buky enquired from her friend about the nature of her relationship with the man and Ladunni’s response was “Olamide is my boo.” He is so caring and spoils me silly with gifts. He is interested in marrying me, but we want to give the relationship some time. We met two months ago and honestly Buky, he swept me off my feet. He genuinely loves me and adores the ground I step on. “ The accolades kept flowing until Buky said “Ladun, can you listen to yourself? This man is as old as Uncle Gbegi. He is probably married with children. What do you think you are up to? Ladunni quickly replied…”Yes, he is much older than me and married with two children. However, he says I am the girl of his dreams. He actually dreamt about his wife, and I fit the girl he dreamt about. He married his wife due to pressure from his parents and he plans to divorce her to marry me. After all, God moves in mysterious ways, and I know his thoughts for me are thoughts of good. He sees my needs and has sent me a Divine helper to carry my financial burden. I have also prayed about it, and I am convinced he is my God-sent husband.”

“Oladunni! Let us consider this situation from the logical, moral, and spiritual points of view.” Buky continued.

  1. “How do you think members of your family will view your relationship with someone old enough to be married to your eldest sister?
  2. How would you feel if you learnt Uncle Gbegi was in such a relationship and Aunty Pero is not aware?
  3. How do you know he is being truthful about his intentions and purported dream or more importantly, its interpretation? I want to believe that your judgement is beclouded which is why you FEEL God is affirming him.
  4. This relationship contradicts biblical principles. The Bible frowns at divorce and worse still, he is not even a divorcee yet. Hmmm sis, tread cautiously.”

Ladunni shrugged Buky off and started avoiding her but as a loyal friend, concern for her friend pushed her to relate her conversation to a youth counsellor at their Fellowship Centre – Mrs. Gbotemi.

Mrs. Gbotemi sought out Ladunni and took her through a series of sessions on the interpretation of the bible on the sanctity and integrity of marriage, what constitutes adultery (even the act of lusting, is considered adultery) including the desire or intention to engage in extra-marital relationship. She asked Ladunni to question his motives for all the gifts he lavishes on her. ” Does he not have relatives who need his benevolence?” Eventually, she succeeded in convincing Ladunni to break off the relationship and reconciled the two friends Buky and Ladunni.

Havilah is of the opinion that enlightenment and educative discussions need to be done for teenagers especially as many are naïve when they gain admission into tertiary institutions where they are usually away from the supervision of parents or guardians. They must understand that things are not always what they seem, and the litmus test is to be aligned with God’s word. No leading from the Holy Spirit will contradict God’s word because God is not a God of confusion, and he will never contradict his word.

Love

Havilah

A HEART OF APPRECIATION

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Tilewa (Tilly), raised a toast to Dr. Bio Fadairo (SAN) at the graduation dinner arranged on her behalf and after pouring encomiums on him and handing over a gift, she proceeded to tell her story. Tilly lost her father at the age of seventeen, after her Senior Secondary School examinations. Her mother had two other mouths to feed and could not afford tertiary education so Tilly joined the workforce as a clerk in the chambers of Dr. Fadairo. Her employer, the erudite Dr. Fadairo was perceived as a taskmaster who could never be pleased but Tilly soon learnt that his bark was worse than his bite. He stretched her boundaries and pushed her to perform. Some four years later, Tilly gained admission to study Law (part-time) at one of the prime universities in the city and had just graduated with a First class. She was awed and realised that due appreciation had to be accorded Dr. Fadairo for pushing her to this formidable achievement. After God, he was next.

Tilly’s tribute reminded me of another, a personalised picture frame with words that I saw in the bedroom of my friend, Inemi. These were words sent to her by her then-18-year-old daughter when she turned fifty. I read them and was instantly emotional. I have her permission to share:

“MOTHER, MUMMY, MOM

These words never seem to leave my mouth and even when they leave my mouth, they never seem to leave my heart. Anytime I think of you a feeling of joy and sadness rush my heart. Joy for all the good you have done for me. Sadness that you had to sacrifice a lot for me, sometimes depriving yourself of luxury so that my sisters and I would not live in penury. I do not think there is a word that has been created to show how much you are appreciated. I do not need to look very far because in you I see the ideal role model. To say you are wonderful or awesome would be an understatement. My love for you cannot be overrated. Here’s hoping you have a wonderful birthday and many more years ahead.

Thank you for being there in times of need. Thank you for disciplining me – I turned out a lot better than I would have expected. Thank you for the love you showed to me and for showing me how to love. Thank you for teaching me to stand up for myself. Thank you for all the gist you gave to me: for being my companion when I was bored. Thank you for all the slaps you gave me when I was little…I just couldn’t resist writing that. Thank you for providing for me and my sisters. Thank you for giving us the best you can. Thank you for teaching me the virtue of patience. Thank you for always praying with me and tucking me into bed at night. Thank you for teaching me how to be independent and not depend on any man, by example. Thank you for juggling your career with motherhood and being able to help me with assignments. Thank you for showing me that I should not be afraid to express my emotions, but I should be strong enough to put them aside and move on. Thank you for teaching me how to be humble and to do things without expecting something in return. Thank you for teaching me kindness and the art of giving freely. ABOVE ALL Thank you for showing me the way of the Lord. I actually cried while I was writing this, I hope you like it.”

The yuletide is a time of appreciation. Appreciation of God’s gift to humankind…the birth of Jesus Christ. It is also a time to appreciate each other, and Corporates do that well during the season. We should also ruminate over all those who touched our lives in the course of the year and appreciate them with words and gestures. Let us not forget the street sweeper, the trash collector, the janitor in the children’s school or our office etc. May the Lord help us to genuinely appreciate the impact we make on each other and SHOW appreciation. Compliments of the Season!

Love

Havilah

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

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As I walked out of the shopping mall, deep in thought because I came away with nothing because everything, I picked had price tags that did not make sense to me, my thoughts were interrupted by the security men’s “Seasons Greetings!”

Immediately, my mind switched gears to the reality that we are indeed in the “holiday season.” What will it mean to us this year? Harsh economic realities worldwide, insecurity, rumours of war…the list goes on. For the adult, there is nothing happy about this season except the fact that God sent his only begotten son to give us Salvation and we are alive despite the odds. However, how do you explain to the children who are looking forward to the holidays and Christmas in particular, that these are peculiar times? I thought of my neighbour’s children who are so looking forward to the Holiday Season and then it struck me…children are easily excited. A treat does not necessitate Eateries and the like. Some simple things work for them as they can be highly creative about play. Some of the thoughts I have are shared here.

  1. Take them anywhere safe with plenty of space e.g. parks etc. They like to run around, play ball, and other games like catchers, rats and rabbits, and anything that will exhaust them.
  2. Bonding time with parents telling stories and folk tales, especially those accompanied by memorable songs. Passing down some skills like baking, carpentry, mosaic pictures, paper mâché models, knitting, artwork, beading, etc.
  3. A change of environment e.g. visiting grandparents, spending time with cousins and close relations, a trip to some of the “places of interest” or tourist attractions in your environment. Places like Museums, Airports, Sea ports, Train stations, Amusement Parks, Mountain ranges, Springs, etc. This could be both a learning experience and relaxation for them. Even a visit to a mall or shopping area they have never been. Parents who are not Thalassophobic or aquaphobic (afraid of large bodies of water) may take them to the lake or beachfront around where you live on a picnic with packed food, drinks, playthings and games like board games, cards, buckets, boomerangs, etc.
  4. Preparing specialty dishes that they love at home rather than taking them to an eatery. Involving them in the preparation e.g. fried rice, doughnuts /puff puff, meat pies, chin-chin etc. Making them part of the preparation gives them some excitement.

If the family can afford it, at least one of the parents should take some time off at this period, to spend the much-needed time with the children. These are times that demand that one puts on their thinking cap and display creativity, to ensure the children have an enjoyable time regardless of the challenging times. The season must be planned ahead to make the most of it which is why I think this is the right time for this discussion.

Usually, various religious and corporate bodies also have arrangements for children during the festive season in the form of fairs, parties, and picnics, so parents should be on the lookout for such freebies for their children.

I want to wish all parents, grandparents, and children especially….”HAPPY HOLIDAYS.” Importantly though, please incorporate thoughts and activities for the reason for the season!

Love

Havilah

CEREBRAL PALSY, A CONSEQUENCE?

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Maudline dropped off her three children – Gbebe and the twins – at a colleague’s daughter’s tenth birthday party and made a quick dash to the supermarket and squeezed in a hospital visit before returning to the party. In her absence, she could trust Gbebe who was twelve, to keep a watchful eye over her twin girls – Gbayike  and Romoke. Despite Gbebe’s challenges, he was such a darling and very protective of his sisters. He had good communication with them, and they bonded very well together.

First, a little background about Gbebe. Gbebe was born with cerebral palsy at birth after prolonged labour, hence his name which means God heard our plea. His palsy affected his speech, limbs and level of understanding but Maudline had put in a lot of effort to bring him to par with his peers and even much more so with his siblings. He could take care of his personal hygiene and feed himself although his feeding habits were a little sloppy for his age.

At the party, Gbebe had been served with his food and had fed himself. Thereafter, his sisters had ignored the mess and tried to clean him up as best as they could, all the time conversing and laughing with him. Suddenly, they were approached by a girl named Susan,  who walked up to them and asked pointedly “he looks like you both, is he your brother? The twins responded with a nod and a smile and tried to introduce her to Gbebe, but Susan shrank away and quickly, withdrew her hand. She asked blatantly, “why did you bring him along to the party? My cousin has a brother like him, and they all leave him at home when they go out. In fact, if you have never visited their home, you wouldn’t know about him because he is always locked up at home. They say he is very aggressive.

Just then, Maudline arrived to pick up her three jewels (as she often referred to them). On the way home, the twins related their experience with Susan and Maudline immediately counselled the children as follows: “Do not be upset with Sue, she does not know better, and her cousin’s parents have not helped matters. Would she like to be locked up at home and treated like an outcast – I am sure the answer is no. Such treatment can arouse aggression in anybody. We tend to forget that created us all differently according to purpose. You know Gbebe is gifted with playing the drums and guitar and recently won a medal in paracycling. He can also do several other things because we shower him with love and have never given up on him. He was not treated differently from you and displays a high level of independence.”

When Maudline retired to her room, she discussed the event with her husband, Chike, and they agreed to start an enlightenment campaign on Cerebral Palsy by destroying the myths and explaining the facts.

Excerpts from her first article are contained below:

Cerebral Palsy is a condition marked by impaired muscle co-ordination and /or other disabilities and is typically a result of damage to the brain before or at birth. It therefore follows that neither the child nor the parents are responsible for the condition. When we consider that every child is a gift from God, we realise that we should be grateful to God for his gift. He has a purpose for the gift, and it is the responsibility of every parent to help their child realise their God given purpose in life. This can only be done through love and encouragement. Every child thrives in an environment of love which boosts their self confidence and love for humanity. The home must be a haven where they recover from the taunting and daunting challenges they face outside.

As a proud mother of a son with palsy, I can say it takes patience and understanding to help them navigate the challenges they face, but it is filled with gains when you find them achieving the purpose of their creation. They should not elicit shame, pity or embarrassment but rather, God’s name should be glorified.

Psalm 104:25-4-25 reads ” How many are your works, Lord! In wisdom you made them ALL.”

Havilah believes the world would be a better place if we learn to be more accommodating of people with disabilities and treat them with love. We should also teach our children to treat them with respect, dignity and love because, we are all God’s creation.

Love

Havilah

CAN KAMALA HARRIS BE THE DEBORAH OF OUR TIME?

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As the world watches the USA elections with unabated interest, I cannot but wonder how many of us kept awake all night, following the elections. Undoubtedly, this is one election that has generated so much interest around the globe primarily for three reasons:

  1. When Big Brother (the USA) sneezes, the rest of the world catches a cold. Undoubtedly the policies crafted in the United States have a tremendous impact on other countries with ripple effects experienced worldwide. Consequently, everyone is on their seat’s edge, eager to know how things will shape out.
  2. This is probably the most keenly contested race in the history of the United States and the polls rate them at par. It is therefore anyone’s guess as to who emerges as the next President.
  3. If Kamala Harris wins, she will be making history as the FIRST Female President of the United States of America – a monumental win. I dare say, that even if she loses, her courage should be commended, and she would be the second woman to contest and lose in the USA.

While following the elections, my mind played back to a conversation I had with a friend about two decades ago regarding the appropriateness of women for Leadership roles. He believed that women are not cut out to face the pressures of Leadership and that they were created to assist the men with their roles. They could deputise or assist but not lead. After a heated debate, we called a truce as my arguments seemed lost on him. I still hold strongly to my view that even in biblical times, there is the record of a female leader – the only record – but it proves that God is not averse to women in leadership roles. That woman was DEBORAH.

The Bible records that at the time when Judges ruled Israel before they cried out to God for a King like other nations, there was a female Judge and Prophetess called Deborah. She ruled at a time when Israel was under oppression by the Canaanites for twenty years. As a judge, she adjudicated on matters brought to her for settlement and exercised wisdom and knowledge from her relationship with God, in settling disputes. However, she felt compassion for her people and interceded with God for her people. She heard from God and obeyed the instruction to engage the Canaanites in battle. She then sent for the Military Leader – Barak and instructed that he prepare his men for war. Barak feared the Canaanites and insisted he would only go to war if Deborah went with them. She did and prophesied that the victory would lie in the hands of a woman. Israel defeated the Canaanites, and a womancalled Jael, lured and killed the King of the Canaanites. Clearly, Deborah exhibited laudable leadership traits and was rewarded with forty years of peace for the Israelites.

Deborah was visionary – She foresaw challenges and opportunities and crafted plans to achieve positive results.

She was approachable as people sought her out for justice.

She displayed wisdom and knowledge in the dispensation of justice.

She was sensitive in the spirit and obeyed God’s instructions and directions.

She was courageous and confident and did what needed to be done. If the army needed her to go to war, she was not afraid.

She did the needful to achieve the desired results. She worked as a team leader, driving and encouraging the members to achieve the desired goal.

In a world in which men dominate Leadership positions, it appears to be an uphill task for women to break through the ranks of Leadership, but we are not giving up.

Love

Havilah

CHILDREN AND MORAL DEPRAVATION

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I was invited to felicitate with Binta at her granddaughter’s child dedication and as I saw the proud parents making the rounds of greetings, I rejoiced with them for the bundle of joy. However, I pondered how ready they were for raising a child in today’s world.

In the past, parents were primarily concerned with education, food, shelter, clothing, proper upbringings, religious affiliation, and protection from external aggression including sexual predators. Today, however, there is the additional concern of protecting the sanctity of our children in a morally depraved world or as a friend put it, a morally bankrupt world. As my thoughts drifted away from my immediate surroundings, my attention was caught by a nearby scene. An elderly lady had sent a young child to a nearby supermarket for wrapping paper and the child had returned with the wrapping paper and promptly pocketed the change without recourse to the sender. The lady berated the child on his actions, but he remained unremorseful and returned the change to her grudgingly. When interrogated about his action, he justified it by saying, it was his just compensation for running the errand and she could afford it anyway.

My thoughts switched back to the challenges of the digital age for proper upbringing. As parents get busier with providing the essentials in an inflationary economy, they must not lose sight of the mentoring and training process for the children if they are to be useful to themselves, their families, and society at large. How will children be protected from themselves with so much access to pornographic sites on screens—phones, tablets, personal computers, television screens, etc.? Another thorny matter is the emergence of gender identity issues which has been cascaded to children’s TV programs and movies. Exposure to the role of influencers in social media and various uncensored content creators, further places children at risk of imbibing the wrong values.

This calls into question the right age for exposure to phones, laptops, and tablets. Can their use be properly censored to prevent abuse? What of peer influence and its attendant effects? The questions are myriad, but our 21st-century parents must take these matters seriously as they navigate the digital era. I believe gadgets will have to be considered on a need-to-have basis and cannot be dependent on peer influence. Parents will also have to devise means of monitoring their children’s exposure to content especially what may be considered damaging to their development.

Undoubtedly, religious bodies also have a role to play even as worship and other programmes have developed an online presence. The right doctrines must be taught, and children brought up in the way of the Lord. Above all, parents must not neglect the place of prayer in the lives of their children and must expose them to it from an early age. May the Lord grant parents, grandparents, and all who care for children, the wisdom to navigate these times and help them raise children who are worthy of emulation.

Love

Havilah

THE PROCREATION CHALLENGE

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Jokotade was full of excitement as preparations were in full gear for the naming ceremony of her precious jewel who was fast asleep in her crib in the next room. As she hurriedly ticked off her to-do list, while keeping her ears open for the slightest sound from the next room, she secretly thanked God for answering prayers in gifting her with a girl for her first child.

Just then, the front door opened and Detola (her favorite cousin) swayed in from work with a bag of baby clothes for her niece who she had already named Morenikeji. As she exchanged pleasantries with Jokotade, they heard Jokotade‘s mum’s voice ring out from the kitchen.    “Joko, it is good to see you as always. You always have your sister’s back. I am sure you have brought more things for your niece. Well done. I hope the day was not too stressful. But Detola, when will you give Dimeji a baby sister? Your son is already five or is it six years old? What are you waiting for?” Detola walked up to Aunty and gave her a wry smile. She had been under so much pressure lately from all quarters, on this subject matter.

“Aunty dearest (she replied). I am awaiting your retirement from work first so that I am assured of an experienced baby carer/sitter. You know your sister does not have the time either. On a more serious note”, she continued, as she dragged a seat,” I will give you four simple reasons why that is not a priority Aunty:

  1. I got married in my mid-thirties and had a difficult pregnancy with Dimeji.
  2. The prevailing economic climate does not encourage bearing many children. One must be mindful of pocket as living expenses and education do not come cheap.
  3. At forty, my energy levels are much reduced. I am not sure I can manage the sleepless nights, and the toll child-rearing takes.
  4. There is a dearth of capable assistance. Trusted nannies and home help are fast on the decline and our mothers are still pretty much actively engaged. To whom do we entrust the babies? Thank God for CCTVs, we can see records of what some of these home assistants get up to with children entrusted to their care.
  5. I have a boss who constantly asks whether children can be used as loan collateral. Undoubtedly, they make one feel fulfilled in marriage but, one must exercise prudence in knowing the number one can reasonably manage. “

Jokotade’s views are representative of the younger generation’s perspective on having children. However, I believe that you do not have a one-cap-fits-all solution. The Bible encourages us to “be fruitful and multiply” but one must apply wisdom and prudence. Some rumination must be done putting the following into perspective –

  1. Your motivation for children. Is it to satisfy the world, to show them off, etc?
  2. How do you wish to be identified? A physical mother or would you be satisfied with spiritual children or as a mentor to many?
  3. You must understand your limitations and take cognisance of them, be they financial, time constraints, inadequate energy, or other resources.
  4. How will multiple children impact other relationships e.g. God, your spouse, work, etc?

I end this with a quote culled from PRACTICAL OUTWORKING by Amanda Peacock “Some women struggle with infertility and postpartum depression while others fall pregnant instantly sailing through pregnancy and motherhood. Some have multiple children and are not overwhelmed by it all. We are all different and our families, are different. Wise womanhood means knowing our motivation, identity, limitations, primary function as a wife, and most importantly that our God is sovereign over the good blessing of children.”

Love

Havilah

MACHISMO AND ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

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Characters Design Vector Art Illustration. A strong worker wears a hard hat and smiles and stands with one fist on his hip and unrolls a medieval paper scroll.

Banjo had always considered himself a “stud”  when it came to sexual activities and was proud of his prowess. Suddenly, at the age of fifty-four, he could no longer sustain an erection. Try as he could and with all the cooperation from his pretty and active wife Marilyn, he couldn’t keep it up. This caused him grave concern and he became increasingly possessive about his wife. He felt emasculated. The more he failed to meet his expectations, the more intolerant and abrasive he became, and he gradually slipped into alcohol abuse.

However, Marilyn understood his situation and would often assist and encourage him. As he became more depressed about his situation, she offered to accompany him in seeking medical attention and/or counseling. All her offers were rebuffed as Banjo preferred to blame her for the situation.

One Saturday, Banjo went over to Joe’s house to watch the World Cup finals. ( Joe was his seventy-year-old friend with whom he could unwind.) Banjo hit the vodka bottle with venom and by half-time, the bottle was three-quarters empty. As Joe moved the bottle away, he cautioned “Banjo, if you continue this way your life will be cut short. It appears something is eating at you!” While flailing his arms, Banjo blurted out “Of what use am I when I cannot satisfy my wife…I am impotent!” Joe, an older and more experienced man, having himself treated erectile dysfunction, allowed Banjo to vent and when he was calmer, he got into Banjo’s car and drove him home. The next day, he visited Banjo and after enlightening him about the condition and how he had handled and overcome it, he took him to see his doctor.

Erectile dysfunction is the inability to have or maintain an erection thereby preventing a man from having or finishing sexual intercourse. When this becomes a regular occurrence, men tend to become discomfited by it and may react in diverse ways based on their personality types. This condition is quite common especially in older men although men in their forties have been known to experience it. However, if effectively managed, the couple can enjoy satisfactory intercourse.

The treatment regimen proffered is usually determined by the cause of the condition, which is broadly classified as physical, psychological, or lifestyle choices. Examples of physical causes include diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, sclerosis, prostate enlargement, chronic kidney disease, fatigue, and Parkinson’s as well as some of the associated treatments and medication.

Psychological causes vary and include depression, stress, anxiety, and relationship issues while Lifestyle choices include abuse of drugs, alcohol, and tobacco.

Treatment could therefore consist of any or a combination of the following:

  1. Medication to manage the underlying physical or psychological conditions.
  2. Counselling. This is advised for the couple as the partner has a part to play in the acceptability and the healing process. She needs to understand his concerns and show empathy and cooperation.
  3. Lifestyle changes e.g. weight watching, exercise, quitting smoking, alcohol and drug abuse, and stress management.
  4. Vacuum Constriction Devices (VCD).
  5. Surgery in instances of blockage.
  6. Alternative therapy through supplements and Herbal Remedies.

It is however important that where ED(erectile dysfunction) is suspected, a doctor’s physical and laboratory examinations will be required to make a diagnosis and enable effectual treatment.

Havilah advises that where the partners do not view it as an issue, there are other ways in which they can experience meaningful and satisfactory relationships but where it threatens to destabilise the relationship, help should be sought.

Love

Havilah