Chioma, a Grade 9 (Junior Secondary school 3) student, sauntered home with a distressed look. As she opened the kitchen door she came face to face with Grandma (who she fondly called “Gma”) and her distressed look was replaced by a wide grin, because Gma is her favorite person. Better still was the tantalizing aroma of her favorite meal- spaghetti and meatballs (Gma’s favourite recipe). Gma came in that morning for a weekend getaway with her daughter and grandchildren. Gma was very observant and never missed anything, so she had sensed her granddaughter’s mood, despite the grin. “Chichi darling, you must be mulling over something in that imaginative mind of years…Gma is here to share.” “Nothing Gma, not to worry” Chioma promptly replied but at Gma’s insistence, she spilled the beans.

“Gma, I took one of mummy’s tampons to school today so that Dedun (my friend) can show me how it is used. You know, mummy uses it, but I get to use only the sanitary pads/towels, so I mentioned it to Dedun who uses tampons, and she agreed to show me how they are used. While discussing its use in the washroom, the “Amebo” (gossip) of the class -Pero, came into the washroom. As expected, she reported us to our class teacher – Mrs. Anyanwu, who invited us to the staff room and after a stern lecture on the ills of the tampon, she requested that we write the sentence “Tampons are bad for girls, and I will never use them” a 100 times.”

Gma in a soothing voice, prompted Chioma to finish her meal, then asked “Does your mum know you took her tampon?” Chioma responded  “No Gma. I was simply curious because anytime I asked if I could use it, she would say…”Not yet.” Gma interrupted Chioma and asked “so do you realise it was wrong to take your mum’s possession without her consent…what does that amount to? That was wrong of you.” Chioma admitted that her action was wrong but was curious to know whether Mrs. Anyanwu was correct in her assessment of tampons.

Mrs. Anyaku has given the following reasons why tampons should not be used:

1. It destroys a lady’s virginity by breaking the hymen.
2. It can get lost within the body.
3. You cannot sleep with it in you as it becomes toxic.
4. It is not meant for minors. You must be an adult before you can use it.
5. It is the main cause of TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome) which can lead to death.
6. It increases the risk of endometriosis – a gynecological disorder.
7. It will be inconvenient as in order to urinate, it must be removed and reinserted.

Gma laughed and responded “What your teacher enumerated are common myths regarding tampons, but they are false. The tampon does not interfere with the urinary tract as it is inserted into the vagina. Similarly, the tampon cannot travel beyond the vagina although in exceedingly rare circumstances, it may require the assistance of medical personnel where the tampon is very deep in the vaginal tract. That said and done, what is a tampon? Tampons, like sanitary pads/towels, are disposable feminine hygiene products used during menstruation. Its use is a little more complex than the straightforward pad, which is placed on the underwear as it must be properly inserted into the vagina sometimes with the help of an applicator. Because it is inserted, it is not visible through clothing and can safely be used by sportswomen and swimmers. For reasons of hygiene, they must be changed within intervals of four to eight hours. Now that you know more about the tampon, I think you should wait till you are older, to use  a tampon as its use is more complicated. What better teacher than your mum…she will teach you when she figures the time is right.”

Chioma brightened up and asked Gma for a second helping of her favourite spaghetti dish.

Love

Havilah

I was visiting one of the cities in Europe a while back and was watching a women’s protest on abortion rights. Curiosity got the better of me and I moved closer to the protesters to get an understanding of their discontent. The country had recently passed a bill, legislating abortion and these group of ladies were protesting the passage of the bill claiming that the required public reading of the bill was bypassed which denied them the opportunity to be heard.

Given the passion with which they pursued their cause, I was moved to interrogate them about their reasons which were largely faith-based, and some were based on negative experience. One particularly intriguing one was the case of the leader – Aminat. Hear her.

“I lost my mother a few days after she birthed me, she was my father’s second wife, and I, her only child. I was left to the devices of my stepmother who would send me off to hawk wares in the nearby settlement. To reach there from where we lived, I had to walk through a deserted footpath. One evening at the age of sixteen, as I returned with the empty tray on my head, I was waylaid by two young boys who overpowered me and took turns in raping me. I had never seen or noticed them before. I thought I would die on that lonely path until I heard the voices of some women nearby. I managed to call out for help, and they cleaned me up and took me home. I recounted everything that had happened to my parents and life simply continued as if nothing had happened. After about three months, I was constantly sick, and it then dawned on my stepmother that I could be pregnant. On the advice of some of her friends, amid abuses and curses, she took me to the city for an  abortion.”

Aminat took a long pause and looked away as her eyes welled up with tears and when her gaze returned, she continued “Ma’am, fortune smiled on me and six years later, I married Hussein – my husband and benefactor, an angel in human form. I told him the story of my life and he accepted me as I was. However, challenges reared their head when I kept having miscarriages until I visited a gynecologist who made it clear to us that the abortion had damaged my womb. We were then forced to pursue an alternative source of having a child. Since we were both fertile, we agreed that we would recruit the services of a surrogate mother to carry the pregnancy to term and so we have a wonderful son today. Using a surrogate robbed me of the joys of experiencing my incubating foetus, the bonding that takes place from the womb as his heart was beating…his feeding habits as they could have impacted me, and so much more. That abortion stole that from me – I can never enjoy the total satisfaction of mothering my child. Do you understand? If only I had never had the abortion.”  I nodded in silence as I took in all her pain, and silently returned to my hotel room to ruminate over her story.

If Aminat had not done the abortion, she may have had the stigma and other pains associated with being a rape victim and rearing an unwanted “bastard.” On the other hand, if the abortion had not impaired her womb and she could give birth to other children, would she have felt the same about abortion rights? One is familiar with reasons given by pro-abortionists e.g. Health reasons, the right of the individual to determine what to do with their body, etc. but at the same time, I could understand Aminat’s pain. How many such Aminat’s are out there suffering in silence? Many are less fortunate than she has been. I prayed that Aminat would find peace in her mind and that the world would better understand the expectations of God regarding procreation. May the Lord help us all.

Love

Havilah

It is twenty years since Mama’s passing and Simi is fidgeting with a much-cherished relic…some waist beads, a generational heirloom inherited from Mama. Mama had been an extremely strong woman, a firm yet loving mother who had brought up three flourishing men and Simi her only daughter and last child. Simi was raised in an Upper middle-class setting and had attended choice schools with high levels of international exposure, she even attended a Finishing school in England and was well-positioned for life in the Upper class of society. Left to her doting father, there lay her future.

Mama on the other hand left no stone unturned to expose Simi to the other side of life. Household chores were never restricted to the hordes of stewards, maids, and cooks that milled around the house as she drilled Simi in home keeping techniques to the highest of standards. She would scrub, clean, handwash, and cook, anytime she was back home from Boarding school. While at school, she had no special privileges and learnt to manage the scarce resources Mama made available. In those times Simi thought she had it all figured out…Mama could not have birthed her yet treated her so harshly. One day, she would summon the courage to confront her into disclosing who her true mother was.

Precisely on the occasion of her eighteenth birthday, as if Mama had a prophetic unction, she called Simi into her room, shut the door and prayed for her from the depths of her heart. Thereafter, she sat Simi down and had a heart-to-heart discussion which left an indelible impression on Simi. She could recall every single word that was uttered.

“My dearest Simi, my alter ego. You may not believe it, but you are a better version of me, and I love you to the moon and back” Mama started. A startled Simi responded, “Hmm…but mum, that is hard to believe with all the hard work and austere conditions you made me face amid luxury. What a queer way to show love.”

Mama had smiled and placed Simi’s face in her hands thereby forcing her to look into her eyes. “Simi love, someday you will understand it was all for your good. It is my prayer that you marry into affluence, so you can have an easy life, but…que sera, sera – what will be, will be. What happens if things do not turn out quite as rosy or your family encounters a “wilderness experience” where you are forced to barely survive? I had to hone your coping skills so that you don’t fail in times of adversity.”

That was Mama for you – full of wisdom and importantly, it was a word of prophecy because three years into Simi’s marriage, her husband Bulus lost his business to fraudsters and their fortunes took a deep dive South. Thank God that Mama had prepared her for such a situation which enabled her to weather the storm while trusting God for a change. It had been fifteen years since and God had indeed been faithful, but the experience had made Simi appreciate Mama all the more. This appreciation is further heightened when she considers with sadness, the situation of her childhood friend, Sadia. Simi and Sadia had attended the same schools but unlike Simi, Sadia was spoilt silly. She was waited on hand and foot and never lifted a finger to do anything. She married into affluence but because of her lazy attitude, she was kicked out of the home. That set the stage for depression from which she is yet to recover.

Once again, Simi fingered the ancient heirloom and whispered “Thank you mama” before kissing Mama’s picture.

Havilah believes that our future is in God’s hands, and he alone knows the future. It is however, our responsibility to prepare as best we can for the future, so that we do not fall flat on our faces. Parents owe their children the responsibility of exposing their children to a BALANCED upbringing that can help them navigate in whatever waters (circumstances) they find themselves. We must realise that the answer to what the future holds for each child, lies with God. May the Lord help us in right parenting.

Love

Havilah

Last Sunday was Father’s Day – a day to celebrate fathers worldwide and I was in my church bright and early to join in the celebrations. As I walked into the church premises, I encountered a handful of millennials and genzees in a heated discussion about fathers. Part of the exchange is captured below:

Molara shook her head and asked, “What is all the hype about Father’s Day? My father has not impressed me over time. He never meets my financial needs and Mum has had to pay my fees through school. Instead, he comes home most nights drunk and goes into a brawl with Mum. Even as a kid, he was never available for me, and the entire family scampered away whenever he returned from work. He was brash and hardly had time for pleasantries, how much more conversations. We literally feared him because he was adept with the cane, never hearing our side of any report.”

Bopo interjected with “Nevertheless, he is your father and for that reason alone, he should be celebrated. Mind you, your mother could never have had you without your father’s contribution.”

An embittered Molara responded “Aah…the real question is who is a father? The fact that he contributed his sperm to my formation does not make him a father but a sperm donor. After all, today, there are sperm banks, and the donor may not be identified as the father of the child he physically fathered. The Father would be the person who brings up the child and plays a fatherly role in his or her life.”

Bopo retorted “Well I do not know about you Molara, but I have a father worth celebrating. My father showered me with love from a tender age and showed me care. He always had kind words for me and encouraged my every move. He has been my greatest “Cheerleader,” and I would not have been this successful in life without him. He indeed is my hero and my first admirer. My mother comes a close second but honestly, if there is to be reincarnation, I would not want any other person to father me. “

Just about then, we settled into church for the day’s program, but the short conversation had set the stage for my thoughts and learning points. The program highlighted Fatherly attributes and expectations from a father. F-A-T-H-E-R was described as an acronym for the following:

F- Faithfulness. A father is faithful to the mother of his children, his entire family, and all those he relates with. He displays integrity, honesty, and dedication.

A – Attention. He is attentive to the needs of his family, be they Financial, Emotional, Physical, or Spiritual. He has a listening ear and gives timely and wise direction. He is responsive to their needs.

T – Teaching and training his children to trust God. He teaches them Spiritual truths and participates in their moral and spiritual upbringing. He inculcates the right values in them.

H – Head. He is the head of the family unit and leads the family in the way they should go. He leads by example, makes the right decisions, protects his family from every form of external aggression, and acts as the Priest of the home, leading on Spiritual matters. He keeps the family altar active.

E – Empathetic. He understands and shares the feelings of his family. He encourages them and urges them on. He provides a willing shoulder to lean on.

R – He is Resolute and strong.

The all-encompassing thread that runs through all these attributes is LOVE. A father does everything with love and even when he must discipline it is in love. I could not help assessing my father on these attributes and I was pleased to smile with a confident nod that despite his imperfections, he scored creditably well. May the Lord help our men to meet up to expectations.

Love,

Havilah

Ebere and Kiemute had been married for eight years, fervently praying to be blessed with the fruits of the womb, when the opportunity to adopt a child opened up around them. They lived in a predominantly white community and preferred to adopt a child whose looks would not be radically different from theirs. Ebere taught at a community college where she met Belinda, a young girl of African descent who was carrying an unwanted pregnancy, courtesy of her ex-boyfriend, a black South African. Ebere and Kiemute quickly commenced the adoption process to enable them access to the child after delivery. They monitored the pregnancy closely and ensured Belinda was well cared for. However, to their astonishment, Belinda gave birth to a Caucasian brunette baby girl. How could this happen? DNA testing showed the black South African to be the father. After much debate and prayers, Ebere and Kiemute agreed to proceed with the adoption but not until they had received some answers to the puzzle. It was confirmed medically possible.

Ebere and Kiemute lavished love and affection on their daughter who they named Hazel (the colour of her eyes) and to their pleasant surprise, Ebere conceived two years later and birthed a baby brother – Brian. Brian was visibly black and as the family moved around the city, there would be stares and whispers by people who were trying to fathom the family relationship. Hazel is now four years old and Brian two and Ebere realises that there may be a need to explain their circumstances to the children and she wonders…at what stage? If only Hazel was black, she would probably not need to inform her that she is adopted.

Foluke, an accomplished professional in her field of endeavour, married a widower, (Bobade) with three children. Unfortunately, the accident which had claimed the life of the first wife of her husband had rendered him impotent. She however desired a child of her own and they both agreed to use a sperm bank. The IVF was successful but Foluke and her husband were surprised when she gave birth to a son with multiracial features. Their findings later indicated that the donor was from a mixed heritage which had resulted in the unusually light skin and pointed nose of their son. Needless to say, tongues wagged as to the likelihood of infidelity on the part of Foluke although, Bobade was quick to ignore the comments. Nevertheless, Foluke wondered what explanations to give her son and his siblings as they grow older and relate to the outside world.

Undoubtedly with various multiracial marriages and technological advances in child procreation, we expect to see a lot more “splashes of colour within families.” The implication is that the mindsets of uniformity within the family will have to change and people will learn to expect and accommodate multiracialism without question.

Back to Ebere’s case. What would you advise in her circumstance, especially given the beautiful, splash of colour in their midst? Hers will certainly need some explanation to prepare the children for some of the embarrassment they would be faced with in school or other public fora.

Love

Havilah

Mama Ephraim had always advocated that her son Ephraim, should only marry a lady he impregnated before marriage. This was borne out of her experience. She had waited ten agonising years before she gave birth to Ephraim, her only child. It was therefore with reluctance that she had welcomed Nonye who was not only from a different culture but was adamant about retaining her virginity till marriage. Ephraim and Nonye had met at the youth fellowship and shared the same ideals. The wedding ceremony between the couple was successful despite some hiccups occasioned by disagreements between the parents as a result of differences in culture, orientation, and temperaments. The couple had felt that what mattered was that the marriage ceremony had been consummated and Mama Nonye felt a sense of relief. A couple of months later she called Mama Ephraim to rejoice with her on her birthday only to be rebuffed by her with the words  “Oh, I don’t celebrate birthdays. Nevertheless, thank you o.” Mama Nonye was nonplussed but attributed the reaction to the fact that Nonye was yet to take in. About ten months later, Nonye gave birth to a set of twins (male) and Mama Ephraim was over the moon. The couple was relieved and so was Mama Nonye. The next hurdle however, was the naming ceremony for the twins. While Mama Nonye had agreed with the couple to have their Pastor handle it, Mama Ephraim insisted it had to be done the traditional way in the home of Papa Ephraim. Their family traditions had to be adhered to and much as this went against the grain of Mama Nonye’s beliefs, she allowed it in the interest of peace.

Next came the issue of who stayed over to care for the mother and newborns. Mama Nonye called to inform the couple she would arrive at their house the next morning only to be informed that Mama Ephraim was already there. She explained that it was her right as the mother of the lady who put to bed to be there. According to their custom, she was right and argued that she understood her daughter’s physiology and best knew her needs. Meanwhile, Mama Ephraim replied that her custom made it mandatory for the husband’s mum to be the one to take care of her wife and newborn grandchild. Both grandmas arrived and had to share the only guest room available.

The differences were myriad and spanned trivialities like whether the table was set for dinner with place settings or whether the food was placed at the table for each person to serve as and when they felt like to what type of food to serve the new mother. Over time, the in-laws got to understand each other and realised that neither one was “superior” to the other and that for the sake of their children, they needed to live in harmony and relate respectfully with each other.

This was the foundation on which Nonye started her ministry – a special counselling ministry for would-be in-laws where she breaks down the essence of having a cordial relationship and working collectively to assist newlyweds settling into their homes. As she put it “We always concentrate on changes couples must go through hence the counselling sessions, but we neglect a very crucial component of intra-in-law relationships and how they impact the couple. Their relationship or non-relationship (if I may) can be a potential brewing cauldron for a troubled marriage. Two families with divergent backgrounds, values, traditions, cultures, and temperaments get thrown together (remember that unlike the couple they did not choose each other) and must learn to be respectful to each other and relate in love. There are three component parts to the counselling sessions:

1. God’s injunctions to show love to all of humanity.
2. The Impact on the peace joy and prosperity of their children (the couple).
3. The importance of civility in relationships. The more the interaction, the better they understand where each person is coming from. They must be open-minded and not pre-empt or interpret each other’s actions or inactions.”

Havilah believes that counselling the parents of intending couples will help reduce some of the friction that could arise, post-wedding and help improve relationships. Just my thoughts! I would like to read from readers regarding their experiences and/or opinions on this topic, please.

Love

Havilah

It was Saturday morning and as I dressed up to attend Yeni’s wedding to Ibidapo, I felt joy well up inside of me. Ibidapo had lost his darling mother, (my friend, Lily) a couple of years ago and I had more or less monitored his progress. In the past one and a half years I had witnessed the emerging relationship between the love birds and felt Yeni was a perfect match for Ibidapo, so I would not miss this wedding for anything.  I quickly put the church address on my Google Maps application and navigated my way to the new Pentecostal church on the other side of town from me, where the ceremony was slated.

I was comfortably seated and enjoying the service when the vows taken by Yeni caught my attention. I initially thought I had heard wrong, so I listened intently. She had said, “I Yeni do take you Ibidapo to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold,  for better for us, for richer for richest, in wellness and health, till death do us part.” I was nonplussed but quickly composed myself until I had the opportunity to voice my curiosity at the reception when I sat next to a couple –  Jonas and Mildred Wilcox, who were members of the same church. After the usual courtesies and small talk, I raised the issue of the marriage vows which I considered unusual. I had been used to the conventional …” For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health…”

Mildred was the first to respond and she gave two reasons to justify the deviation from the norm. She explained as follows and I quote:

1. “Marriage vows are not biblical but arose out of church tradition which means the traditional vows are not sacrosanct. Consequently, they can be modified especially since their church does not frown upon such modification. Moreso, persons of other faiths and civil marriages do not necessarily make such vows.
2. The bible states in Proverbs 18.21 that life and death are in the power of the tongue. It is therefore important to confess positively into your life. Why call forth poverty, sickness, and negative challenges into your life? A positive confession makes such come alive.”

Jonas then concluded “Vows are serious utterances that must not be taken lightly. Ecclesiastes 5.5 states clearly that there are repercussions for making a vow and not fulfilling it. It says it is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Jesus Christ re-echoed this Old Testament teaching in Matt.5.22. That does not mean the couple will not stick through thick and thin with each other but why invite negativity into the relationship? Furthermore, if for any reason one of them decides to leave in a time of adversity, they may feel bound by the vow taken.”

Havilah however believes that the Traditional vow is practical and helps the couple to endure the times of adversity and enjoy the times of prosperity.  Life comes with its challenges over time and the vow is merely indicative of a willingness to remain by each other’s side regardless of the challenges that may be faced. It merely implies that through all the changing scenes of life, the couple will co-operate with each other to overcome. While it is possible that without taking such a vow, the couple is prepared to navigate challenges together and stick with one another, they must be mindful of the implications of whatever vow is made. As Jonas explained, vows must not be trivialised as the bible clearly states it is better not to make one than to default in its execution.

So…before you say” I do”, give some thought to the Marriage vows you intend to make and the possible implications. May the Lord grant each one the ability to fulfill their vows.

Love

Havilah

Listening to a podcast today where the influencer stressed the importance of preparing for old age, I realised that the significance of preparing for the “empty nest” as part of preparations for old age, is often undermined. However, experience has shown that family relationship requires as much investment as financial and self-care, in ensuring a satisfying old age. Let us contrast two families known to me.

The Harry family is one in which all three children have” fled the coop.” Two are married and settled abroad, while the third, though single, lives in a rented apartment in the same city with his parents. Each time I visit, Mama Harry is hardly home, traveling, visiting the children or other family members if not at one function or the other. Papa Harry is usually left at home in the hands of his caregiver, with little or no social interaction.

On one of the occasions, I was able to pin Mama down and subtly hint that Papa pines for his family, and that they should spend more time around him or arrange for him to visit. She took a deep breath and responded, “Thank you, my dear. It is a predicament my husband brought on himself. In his younger days, he neglected to invest either time and/or finances in the family. All my entreaties were ignored as he was always out of the home in the company of friends. He considered himself a socialite so invested in his social circle. In addition, he subjected me to emotional abuse which was visible to the children and other persons who lived with us. All my attempts to make him see reason were rebuffed, and I recall saying, I hope his friends will be there for him in his old age. He practically ostracised himself from his children’s development by his actions and so it came as no surprise that when the children could afford to, they moved out. I have since forgiven him, but he needs to forgive himself and make reconciliatory moves towards his children. He missed the opportunity to bond with his family when he should have, forgetting that a time like this is bound to happen.”

 I heaved a deep sigh and promised to encourage Papa to make the reconciliatory move to enable him to have peace before his passing.

On the other hand, the Johnson family is so blest. Anytime I visit Mama and Papa Johnson, they are together. They do practically everything together and you can see the radiant glow on their faces and feel the warmth around them. In their case, all four children are abroad spread out in separate locations, but they jointly care for their parents. They visit together, take walks together, travel together, and do everything in unison. If at any event you see one before the other, rest assured the partner is close by. I was intrigued by the level of cooperation they share and when I approached Mama, she had this to say. “It feels great that after so many years of sharing my husband with the children, work, and others, I have him all to myself again. We started life together before the children came along, and as the phases came, he always found time to invest time, finances, and prayers in his family. He is a good man and deserves all the love, happiness, and care we can give him. He never shirked his responsibilities even when we went through some challenging times. I intend to be by his side till death do us part.”

My encounter with both Mamas left a distinct understanding of the idiomatic expression “As you lay your bed so shall you lie on it.” Much as I feel for Papa Harry and believe there is a place for forgiveness, it is important for all to realise that investing in the family forms an important part of preparing for old age.

It should also be noted that this applies to both mothers and fathers alike as some women abandoned their homes and children but ended up lonely and bitter, wishing they had done things differently. One must not frustrate the likelihood of companionship in old age. The impact of loneliness in old age can be crippling.

Love

Havilah