Dunni, was a mid-level manager with a multinational company up until the Company decided to shut down its operations in her country of residence. With the looming recession, she knew it would be an uphill task to get a similar job. Both the microeconomy and macroeconomy were in dire straits and she was in confusion as to what to do. She had three children in secondary school and her husband’s engineering firm had taken a severe battering from the battered economy. Her parents had since passed, and she had a lot of dependants in the person of her siblings. Today, she celebrates ten years of running a successful clothing line. She casts her mind back to how it all started as she addresses her audience, gathered to celebrate with her. She is in visibly high spirits as she starts:

“During the recession, having lost my job, rather than wallow in self-pity, my brain did a reset and I remember thinking along the following lines:

1. The children would need to become day students to reduce the school fees.
2. I would need to resume driving myself and relieve myself of the cost of maintaining a driver.
3. I must earnestly seek God’s face regarding what I could do, and the answer stared me right in the face – I had always had a passion for designing clothes.”

Dunni had always stood out in her designs which she gave to her favorite tailor who was meticulous and paid attention to her every detail. Her friends had always envied her elegant style which was always in tandem with the occasion. From her secondary school days, she had always designed her clothes and would sketch every detail of the style she intended to sew. Her designs were brilliant as they considered body shape, colour of fabric, design, and texture of fabric as well as the occasion for which the outfit was intended. She had brought all these parameters to bear in her brand which was highly personalised and further considered the personality and skin colour of the individuals in addition.

She had started the business by selling her service to her circle of influence who had always admired the way she was attired. These were mostly colleagues and friends in her church, societies, professional circle, etc. The more she satisfied her customers, the wider her reputation grew until she not only sustained her family but was able to set up a fashion institute for training young people.

As she rounded up her story, she advised the young persons in her audience ” Never give up on yourself. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. A recession or depression is an opportunity to unleash the tiger in you and boldly follow your passion. Undoubtedly, there will be challenges faced as you embark on a start-up, but if you keep at it relentlessly, putting in ingenuity and effort, your efforts will be rewarded. If at first you do not succeed, try, try, try again”. She further encouraged the youth “to embark on multiple streams of income and not wait till they were boxed into a corner by the loss of a job or a depressed economy. Start a side hustle preferably related to a passion or talent and commit it to God’s hands for growth.”

Havilah opines that in times like this when there is global inflation and financial crisis, it is important to think outside the box for solutions to economic and financial challenges. While committing our plans into God’s hands, introspection into discovering our God-given gifts and talents is important. There is no one without a gift from God. Let us discover/uncover our gifts and use them.

Love

Havilah

Last week I went with a friend, Nkoli to visit Aunt Ndidi, (Nkoli’s mum and a particularly good friend of my late mother). Aunty Ndidi at 89, looks vibrant and well looked after and I was happy to see her after quite some time. We had a wonderful conversation as she was in high spirits reliving her youth and some of the events in the country at the time. Although Nkoli had earlier warned me that Aunt Ndidi may not recognise me I was pleasantly surprised that she did and immediately asked about her old friend, my mother. I immediately reminded her that mom had passed about 5 years before and that she, Aunt Ndidi had been involved in the funeral arrangements, for which I am eternally grateful. She however continued to request that I ask her to see her and that they probably would visit another of their mutual friends to which I played along as nudged by Nkoli. I ended with,” I will bring her over soon. We will arrange it …Nkoli and I.” I assumed the memory of the loss of her friend was too much for her to process and decided to change the subject matter as I asked what she had for lunch. Her response left me speechless…” My daughter, I have not eaten anything today” she replied. It was already 4 pm and I searched for what to say, I caught hold of Nkoli’s wink and quickly followed her into the adjoining room. We barely entered the room before I whispered “Nkoli, what is going on” to which she replied “Havilah, hmm…Mama was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease which affects her cognitive abilities. Her memory and some other brain-related functionalities are impaired.”

I took a deep breath and recalled that another friend’s dad 10 years ago was miraculously brought back home by a good Samaritan who recognised him, after wandering around for 24 hours. He was thoroughly, dehydrated, dishevelled, and hungry. He had left home unaccompanied and unannounced the previous day, ostensibly to take a walk. Somehow, he had lost track of place and time and could not find his way home. It was later discovered that he had dementia at the age of seventy-four! I remember thinking then, this is scary.

The more I pondered the subject of dementia and its attendant impact, especially on the loved ones who are closely related or affiliated with the patient, the more I purposed to research this increasingly prevalent condition for the purpose of awareness. The below summation on the subject is culled from Mayoclinic.org:

Dementia is caused by damage to or loss of nerve cells and their connection to the brain. Though dementia is not a part of normal aging, the chances of developing dementia increase with age, especially after age 65. However, younger onset dementia may occur in younger persons even as early as 30 years. The condition results in impaired cognitive abilities or difficulty in making decisions that interfere with everyday activities. Early signs of dementia are memory loss, difficulty in concentrating, difficulty with familiar daily tasks, struggling to follow conversations or find the right words, being confused about place or time, and mood changes, among others. While there is no known cure for dementia, the symptoms are dependent on the area of the brain that is affected. Dementia can however be corrected where the damage is caused by deficiency in certain vitamins and minerals. In such cases, treatment is possible. It is therefore important to take vitamin and mineral supplements as we age, in order to make up for deficiencies that may arise from diet.

Dementia is considered a degenerative disease and may be linked to changes in some genes which can be discovered through testing. Three of the more common forms of dementia are mentioned below:

1. Alzheimer’s which is the most common. This can be inherited. It is genetic.
2. Vascular which is caused by damage to blood vessels supplying the brain. It impacts problem-solving, slowed thinking, and loss of focus and organisation.
3. Lewy body dementia which involves acting out dreams in sleep, visual hallucinations, tremors, uncoordinated slow movements, and stiffness (Parkinsonism).

RISK FACTORS THAT CAN NOT BE CHANGED ARE:

1. Age – usually above 65
2. Family history. However, people with a family history may never develop symptoms and vice versa.
3. Down syndrome usually experiences early-onset dementia.

RISK FACTORS THAT YOU CAN CHANGE

1. Unhealthy lifestyle. A healthy  lifestyle involving a diet rich in nuts, seeds, whole grains, fish, oils, and exercise can lower the risk of cognitive decline.
2. Drinking substantial amounts of alcohol. Reduction in alcohol consumption can reduce the risk which is associated with consuming substantial amounts of alcohol.
3. Cardiovascular risk factors e.g. obesity, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, atherosclerosis, and smoking. Treatment and stoppage of smoking can address the risk.
4. Late life depression.
5. Air pollution from exhausts and burning wood.
6. Head trauma from injury, Sleep problems and disturbances, Low levels of vitamins and minerals especially vitamins D, B-6, B-12, folate etc.

It is therefore important to pay attention to our health as we advance in age to enable graceful aging and to commit the process into the hands of our God.

Love

Havillah

Inemi was taking a brisk walk down a busy street in her neighbourhood to pick up some fruits for her breakfast when she walked past a sight that caught her attention. There was a young man whose age she would place in the mid to late thirties, perched casually on a stool by the side of the road watching passersby. His eyes however fastened on a very pretty girl of about the age of six as she walked in the company of an older sibling to school. He practically drooled as the lust in his eyes was palpable and he seemed to shift in his pants. Inemi could feel the bile rise in her as she viewed him with disgust and could not help reprimanding him for staring after the little girl. Her mind quickly did a replay of what had happened about ten years prior, to her darling daughter – Ebiere.

Inemi had sent for her younger brother, Diepreye, from the village to join her in the city after high school, in order to give him the opportunity to work while awaiting admission into the University. He had immediately taken interest in her daughter Ebiere who was 8 years old at the time and soon became fond of her little uncle. She had thought nothing of the mutual fondness until Diepreye had to leave for the University in another city. Ebiere wept her heart out and refused to eat for days. Inemi was so disturbed that she decided to take Ebiere to a child psychologist. After two sessions, the cause of the distress was unfolded. Diepreye had introduced Ebiere to some sexual pleasures for which he spoiled her with chocolates and other things. She not only missed the gifts but had started enjoying the sensual feeling she derived from his actions. She had to put her young daughter through therapy and was always watchful around her until she felt confident that she had overcome the trauma.

She had also been forced to excommunicate Diepreye from her immediate family but not until she had confronted him about the situation. He of course denied having any sexual attraction to his niece how much more indulging in sexually suggestive actions with her. However, when he was threatened with swearing before the village shrine, he immediately fell on his knees and confessed his actions. Inemi sent him back to the village and initially demurred to paying his university fees but later relented on the decision. She then agreed to sponsor his education but insisted that he keep his distance from her home. This of course had raised a lot of brouhaha in the village as her action was viewed by some as justifiable while others felt she overreacted. All this happened 10 years ago and both Ebiere and Inemi had since moved past that. Inemi could not however get over the venom that flowed from Ebiere’s father – Obu, who had since refused to visit her family in the village.

This recent incident got her thinking – there is a lot of sympathy and outrage for victims of paedophiles but very little understanding as to why paedophiles exist. She decided to venture into understanding the causes of paedophilia, the telltale signs at an early stage and what can be done to restrain them or curtail their activities.

Paedophilia is a psychiatric/psychological disorder for which there appears to be no known cure. It is however believed that most paedophiles are themselves victims of childhood trauma whether sexual or otherwise. While most reported or discussed cases involve female children, males can also be victims of paedophiles. Both males and females can suffer from the disorder although it appears to be more prevalent in men.

Havilah’s advice to parents is to be watchful as paedophiles exist everywhere…in school environments, in the family, among aides and caregivers, even friends. The Mental Health Centre of America lists the following as some of their characteristics:

Preference for the company of children and popular with them.

“Grooms” children with quality time, parties, candy, gifts toys etc.

Singles out children who seem troubled and in need of attention or affection.

Rarely forces or coerces a child into sexual contact but rather by developing trust and friendship.

Derives gratification in several ways from looking to watching children undress to physical contact.

They prefer jobs or pastimes that give them greater access to children.

Parents, grandparents, and guardians should always be watchful of their children and be very observant of their children to enable them to pick up any changes in character. May the Lord help us all.

Love

Havilah

It’s another Valentine’s Day and as I thought about what to write for today, suddenly I realised Oh, it’s Valentine’s! I recall my chance meeting with a petite middle-aged lady last year’s Valentine’s Day. We met at Cherubic Saints orphanage where I had accompanied a friend for investigations on the adoption process. Christine, as she introduced herself with a smile and an outstretched hand, had such a pleasant and interesting personality. I was so taken in by the charm she exuded and the fact that she had thoughtfully packaged red tee shirts for the workers at the orphanage and accompanied them with sacksful of assorted goodies for the children in the orphanage. I voiced my admiration for her generosity, and she gave me the background to her interpretation and expression of Valentine’s Day.

Christine’s narrative: I had always enjoyed the gifts and outings my husband showered on me on Valentine’s Day until he was called to the heavens 5 years ago. The first Valentine’s Day after that was so sad and lonely as I missed him so much on that day. The next year, the children opened my eyes by expressing their love for me in a unique way. They gave me a treat I will never forget that etched the love they have for me deeply into my subconscious. In my part of the country. Children are referred to as “my husband” and they indeed played the part on his behalf. My children had cut fresh flowers from the garden and made a beautiful bouquet which they placed in a beautiful vase and brought up to me with my favorite tea, in bed. What a beautiful wake-up moment. When I was done and walked into the bathroom to take a bath, they had transformed the mood and ambiance, of the bathroom. They had placed some swirling-coloured lights, and scented rose petals on the floor and had run the bath and placed a book and my favorite drink beside it. I was enthralled but confused. It wasn’t my birthday…what was going on? Then it hit me like a thunderbolt…It was Valentine’s Day! I was so overwhelmed, that tears of joy cascaded down my cheeks and as I stepped into the kitchen, I found a beautifully laid out breakfast, prepared by hands of love from hearts of love. Honestly, they blew my mind. I saw Valentine’s Day from a new perspective…not just receiving expensive gifts and outings, but rather a day to show true love through innovative giving. I soon realised that what the children did was not expensive but was VERY THOUGHTFUL and required ingenuity and giving of themselves from the heart.

So, the next Valentine’s Day, I sought to bring joy to those I see sweeping the streets – an important labour that is hardly rewarded adequately. I cannot forget the smiles, prayers, and gratitude that my giving elicited on that day. If only we would take that day to truly share love because all men are deserving of love. The holy book says we should love God first and next, love ALL humanity.”

As I left the orphanage that day, I determined to ensure that I share the love with others as often as possible and at least on the 14^th of February each year. Christine left her imprint on me; I hope she does on you too. Remember, it does not have to be expensive, merely ingenious. Is it making an uncommon dish and giving people in packs? Or those clothes hanging in your wardrobe unused for years? There is no limit to what can be done to put a smile on people’s faces and joy in their hearts. When we truly understand what love is about, we will experience joy unending and the peace that passes all understanding. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

Love

Havilah

Amoni and Bolurin were key members of the Kingdom Life Parish choir where Bolurin played the guitar and Amoni led praise worship. Both were very active members of the church and complemented each other very well. A formidable friendship developed between them as they always sat next to each other at the various church programs and were always attentive. Gradually, their friendship blossomed into courtship and after a series of marriage counseling by their ebullient Pastor and mentor – Pastor Harry, they tied the nuptial note amid many felicitations. Many of the youth in the church looked forward to a similar fate and considered theirs a union that was “made in heaven.”

Bolurin was the perfect husband and within a year, the couple was blessed with a beautiful daughter – Itare. Amoni felt truly blessed and put her best into ensuring a stable and happy home for her young family. She always radiated joy and was loved by all her in-laws.

However, one fateful day, about three years into their marriage, Amoni was cleaning the room and found some strange objects under their matrimonial bed. She pondered in her mind as she turned them over in her hands…they looked like some kind of charm, a small wooden effigy with her passport photograph attached. No…she thought. I must be dreaming. It cannot be what I am thinking. There must be a logical explanation to this she mused as her thoughts raced on. Could this be the reason Bolurin preferred to clean up the room himself? He would always volunteer to do so at the weekend while she was busy in the kitchen or doing the grocery shopping. They had never kept anything from each other or at least so she thought, and so she resolved to confront him with her latest find.

Later that evening after treating him to his favorite meal of fufu and melon soup (egusi), she surfaced the effigy and gently demanded “Bolurin, what is this and what was it doing under our matrimonial bed?” Bolurin was dumbstruck and the much-expected response failed to form as he struggled with how to explain. Eventually, he found his voice, and with feigned rage to cover his embarrassment, he yelled…” Why were you nosing around? Why were you looking for what is not lost?” This response irked Itare and their first really serious argument ensued. Bolurin lost his composure and told her in no uncertain terms that there was nothing wrong with ensuring they remained together and that before their marriage, he had taken the names and pictures of three girls he had considered as alternatives to becoming his potential wife to some diviners and prophets and each one had picked her as the perfect match. “Has not the marriage worked?” He asked.” I was told to always keep that effigy under our matrimonial bed to ensure that the love remains evergreen.”

A stunned Amoni kept staring at Bolurin as bile welled up in her bowels. She felt like retching and quickly dashed into the bathroom. “Who is this man I have been living with? How could I have missed this part of him? What kind of Christian is he? He appeared to exhibit all the outward signs of Christianity and was versed in all the doctrines but then…this…how does it relate with what he professes? What else has he done which contradicts the faith he professes…Hmmm,” she sighed and came out into an empty room to find that Bolurin had already taken his car keys and she could hear him revving his car engine as he drove out. She pondered her next steps and decided she would have a long discussion with their pastor the next day. She needed to know what Bolurin genuinely believed and what other steps he had taken, for her sanity’s sake. She knew she was strong, and the Lord would help her overcome the shock, but she also needed to know her next steps. She remembered the scripture…Can two walk together except they agree? Could they come to terms with their beliefs? She knew where her faith lies but she now doubted that Bolurin felt the same way. With all he knew about the Christian faith and walk, could she reasonably expect a change? It meant he had pretended to believe all along, how much else about their relationship had been pretense? Was this enough basis to call for a separation or was it a call for soul winning? Just then she realised that little Itare(their daughter) had been waiting by her side for her bedtime story and a goodnight kiss. Amoni shook herself out of her reverie to do the needful. Certainly, Pastor Harry had enough experience to guide her aright, and even if only because of little Itare, she decided to give the marriage her best shot.

If you were Pastor Harry, what would you advise?

Love

Havilah

Making Lemonade Out of Lemons!

As I walked into the hospital to visit a friend on admission, in walked a young female Doctor on the ward round and my friend introduced me to her as Havilah. Immediately, her face lit up. She introduced herself as Banke and requested that I stop by her office on the way out. On my way out, I obliged by stepping in to see Banke and she requested that I post her story. Please read Banke’s story.

“One day, several years ago, (as a young teenager of eighteen) at about five in the morning, I stood on a busy street in our city shivering from fear and cold when this saloon car stopped and reversed to pack beside me. I looked away, expecting it to be one of those men in search of a sexual partner. I could not bear to go through that experience again but though afraid, I remained rooted to the spot. Suddenly, a matronly looking woman emerged from the car dressed in a sparkling, crisp white nurses’ uniform. It was Mrs. Mfon Bassey. She was returning home from her night shift and had spotted me. As she approached me with a smile, she offered to give me a lift home and I got into the car. When I was comfortably seated, she asked for my name and address, I burst into tears and sobbed uncontrollably. “Ma,” I said, “I cannot go home. My mother will kill me”! She calmed me down and quietly drove me to her apartment where she lived with her sister and two children. She was widowed. After a bath and hot meal (the first I had in a long while), she asked me what I was doing on the street at that time of the day.

Ma, I began, “I am the first of three children born into a family where my deceased father was a bus driver and my mum, was a petty trader. Things seemed to be working for us until I lost my father at the age of five, to a motor accident. Thereafter, my young mother of three was branded a witch especially as she refused to marry her late husband’s senior brother as a second wife. She was consequently ostracised by both her own family and my father’s. Mama struggled to send me and my younger ones to school and I passed both my SSC examinations and JAMB (Joint Admissions And Matriculation Board) examinations with flying colours. Unfortunately, the funds to pursue my education at the University were not available and I felt devastated. I however continued to help Mama in the shop with her petty trading. That fateful day, Aunty Becky (our neighbour) approached me informing me that she would introduce me to her “work” which would enable me to raise the much-needed funds for my education. She however entreated me not to discuss it with my mother as she intended it as a surprise. That evening she asked me to dress up and accompany her although she informed my mother that I would be babysitting her sister’s children as their parents would be away for the night. Instead, she led me to a brothel where… (I broke down in tears again) I was sexually assaulted, debased, and traumatised ma, I could not wait for Aunty Becky to find my way out of there.”

Mummy Mfon showed empathy and promised to accompany me to see my mother and talk things over with my mother. That chance meeting with mummy Mfon was the visit of the angel that transformed my life. She did as promised and took me home and after a long discussion with my mum, I was asked to pack my few belongings and follow her home. Thus started my climb to a better life. I helped with household chores and was paid a salary which I sent to my mother to help with my sibling’s school fees. Mummy Mfon treated me like a daughter – fed and clothed me and encouraged me texamso learn a trade… make-up and gele tying. She encouraged me to retake the JAMB  and I got admitted on merit to one of the best institutions in the country to study medicine. She promised to pay my tuition until graduation and remained faithful to that promise. My make-up and gele tying skills assisted me in meeting up with living and other expenses. On my part, I impacted Mummy Mfon’s life by enabling her cost reduction due to my bargaining skills and approach as well as making nutritious cost-effective meals. I can proudly say I am who I am today because I met an angel in human form who transformed what would have remained the saddest day of my life into the best day of my life.

I intend to someday, write my autobiography but would wish to acclaim this wonderful woman, while she is still alive. Please ma, do me the honour.”

I left Banke’s office thinking to myself that this is God’s commandment in practice. This kind of love for your neighbour is what is needed to transform our societies. If things had been different, this young lady may have ended up in the world’s oldest profession – prostitution, instead of a doctor. So many of us are in a position to transform lives and impact our societies by lending a helping hand whether it is with the provision of services, advice, finances, connections, essentials like food, clothing, housing, job opportunities and the like but we would rather turn a blind eye to people’s needs and end up complaining about the banes of our society, when collectively, we can reduce the impact. May the Lord help us all.

Love

Havilah

Belema, is a beauty to behold. A slim, tall glowingly black beauty with curves in the right places and graceful long legs that bear her elegant mien. Her entrance into any room usually attracts the attention of men and women alike, as heads always turn in her direction. However, on this rainy day, she was parked in the parking lot of a mall, miles away from her home, battling with a plethora of emotions ranging from anger to self-pity. “How in the world could Micky have treated me this way? ” She felt ridiculed.  Enraged by his actions, she had sped out of the driveway to their home and embarked on this long drive to keep a rein on her emotions. After walking through the mall, she felt better able to drive back home and have a much-needed talk with Micky, her husband to ensure that such a scene would NEVER repeat itself – sober or tipsy.

That evening, Micky had invited some colleagues and cohorts over to his home to watch an important football match over drinks. After guzzling down a couple of beers and with the euphoria of his preferred team taking the lead by halftime, in a loud voice, he summoned Belema and instructed that she put on bum shorts and strut before his friends to show off her figure and awesome legs. He was proud of his wife’s beauty and she is his prized jewel.

Belema, a very humble and private person who never wore shorts outside her home because she felt uncomfortable with the stares she often got even while clothed conventionally, was awestruck. In the twinkling of an eye, her emotions swung from embarrassment to feeling insulted and finally enraged. She swung around, reached for her car keys, and headed straight out of the door without uttering a word. If she had waited a minute longer, she would have inevitably engaged in a face-off with Micky. As she left, thoughts crowded her mind.” What does he take me for, a prized jewel? A chattel to be flaunted and paraded before his friends? Not even a consideration for my self-esteem?”

As she backed her car angrily out of the garage, Victor (Micky’s closest associate) patted him on the back and declared “Old boy, that was a very wrong move on your part…you had no business doing what you just did”. Micky snorted and replied sharply “I was just appreciating God’s handwork on her. She should be grateful that I appreciate her the way I do”. Some of the other colleagues nodded in agreement but Victor continued, shaking his head vigorously. “No Micky, that was uncalled for. Certainly not in public. If it were just the two of you, why not…but not with other men around”. Micky reacted with hurt pride, raising his voice “But none of you is a stranger to her. I am thoroughly disappointed with her behaviour. Imagine the disgrace – disobeying me before all of you!” Victor quietly decided to bury the discussion for another day when his friend would be sober.

While recalling the above episode, Havilah was reminded of the biblical character – Queen Vashti. The Bible records that her husband, King Ahasuerus of Persia (Xerxes the Great), had called for a feast that was not only lavish but well attended by nobles, Princes, and important men from all corners of his vast kingdom, in high spirits, he had called for his wife to parade herself with the crown on her head, to display her “beauty” before all and sundry. For refusing to obey the King’s orders, her action was interpreted as rebellion which was capable of influencing other women to disobey their husbands. Consequently, she was banished from the King’s presence and lost her place.

My guess is that if this had happened in our times, she would have received the support of Feminists and Human Rights activists and undoubtedly, the social media machinery would have risen to her rescue. However, on deeper introspection, my thoughts are that in those times (about 400 BC), very powerful Kings such as Xerxes were perceived and treated as Demi-gods. Their orders were Law and people severely punished and even killed for disobedience. Therefore, when Vashti chose to disobey the King’s instruction, she should have expected repercussions as the consequences of her action or in this case inaction. The lesson here is that in whatever circumstances we find ourselves, may we learn to apply our hearts to wisdom, especially in questionable circumstances.

Back to Belema, she got home to find Micky asleep on the living room sofa. Wisely, she allowed him to sleep out the drink before having the much-coveted discourse the next morning, by which time he was not only sober but more receptive to her view, and her anger too had dissipated. Needless to say, such indiscretion never repeated itself.

Love

Havilah

Jemima, Santhus and Paul sat in a café sipping drinks to calm their nerves after experiencing a “holocaust” after which her best friend – Abigail, hurriedly exited. Jemima kept pondering and asserting that this was a horrible dream from which she would soon wake up. To think that she and Santhus had been on the brink of a divorce. Thank God for the intervention of Paul. She finally found her voice and expressed herself…” Wow, this world is wicked!” she exclaimed.

Jemima and Abigail had been friends from high school and throughout the university. Soon after school, Abigail had been involved in a whirlwind marriage which had resulted in a much-contested divorce. After that, the relationship had grown even closer, and Jemima felt free to discuss everything in her life with her friend.

In recent times, Jemima’s marriage to Santhus was going through turbulent times. After five years of marital bliss, she could not wrap her head around what was happening. Trust had taken a walk out of the door; communication had taken a back seat and was limited to monosyllables. They lacked the grace to listen to each other, talk less of praying together. They kept a façade for the outside world by attending events together, but they both knew the marriage was on the brink of collapse. However, in the innermost recess of Jemima’s heart, she still loved Santhus and desired that the marriage be resuscitated. Santhus also felt the same and had confessed to his closest pal-Paul, that he loved Jemima but could not understand what was happening to them.

After lots of digging, Paul realised that the root cause of his friend’s problem was Jemima’s trusted friend, Abigail. Both Jemima and Santhus had placed their trust in Abigail and made her their confidant. Unfortunately, Abigail had belied the trust reposed in her and manipulated their relationship. Paul then invited the couple over for dinner to talk things over and asked them to listen to the lyrics of a 1963 song by Jim Reeves and Dottie West – “Look Who’s Talking.” As the words rang out, they were not lost on Jemima and Santhus “The ones we thought were our best friends were our worst enemies…eyes that search where there is something wrong were welcome to our home…two broken hearts that lies destroyed.” As if on cue, both Jemima and Santhus exclaimed “Abigail!” Suddenly, it dawned on Jemima that she had believed everything Abigail had told her about Santhus without questioning motive or rationale. She had painted it as the duty of a “loyal friend” to inform Jemima of the contrived misdemeanors of Santhus. He was portrayed as an unrelenting Casanova while feeding Santhus with lies about Jemima. Jemima trusted Abigail implicitly and was grateful to her for revealing the true Santhus to her. Little did she know…

It took the discerning mind of Paul to align the accusations and counter-accusations, tracing them all to a common source – Abigail. Paul then suggested that Jemima invite Abigail to their favorite rendez- vous, a café close to her house. On that fateful day, as they were discussing the proposed divorce, in walked Santhus and Paul to join their table, to Abigail’s discomfiture. Abigail involuntarily reached for her bag and hurriedly excused herself to use the restroom but not before Paul blurted out, “The cat is out of the bag Abigail, why did you do it?’

Abigail broke down in tears and confessed that she had always envied her best friend – Jemima. When she got married, she thought she had gained an edge over her but when her marriage collapsed, she could not understand why Jemima’s should thrive. With ample time on her hands, she contrived the mischief to put them at par. She broke down and wept bitterly and after offering her feeble apology, she hurriedly left the scene.

Thank God, Paul was able to save this marriage, but some key lessons learned are:

1. The institution of marriage can be fragile but the only third party allowed in it is GOD.
2. Communication is the oil that keeps the marriage running smoothly and should never be allowed to break down.
3. Praying together is important and the fire of the family altar should never be allowed to fizzle out.

May the Lord keep us away from unfriendly friends and give us discerning spirits for our relationships.

Love

Havilah

Ogbealu is the product of a beautiful marriage where conviviality, peace and marital bliss reign supreme. Of course, as in any relationship, there were disagreements but the ease with which issues were resolved, left the children in no doubt that love conquers all. She however noted with a growing sense of unease, that a lot of her peers were having dissolved marriages in contemporary times and her enquiries revealed that the marriages of children tend to be patterned after their experiences at home. After all, the home is the first sphere of influence for any individual. In a bid to help young marriages and intending couples, she started a monthly marriage seminar and today’s topic is “The impact of the foundation/home on marriages in contemporary times.”

Mildred was previously in a marriage where physical and emotional abuse held sway. She was married for a little under a year and during that period, any time she had to work late, she suffered palpitations connected to an anxiety syndrome. She suffered numerous bashings and was locked out of her matrimonial home on several occasions, but she endured everything until she suffered a nervous breakdown, and the hospital advised a separation, albeit temporary, to enable her to maintain her sanity. Her explanation for enduring the intense abuse was that she came from a home where her father had dominated and her mother had endured similar abuse, ostensibly for the sake of the children. Consequently, any complaints voiced to her mother were always met with “Mildred, be patient. After all, if I could manage your father, you should do similarly with your husband.”

Peter, on his part (a reformed wife batterer), explained his situation thus. “My father would always teach his boys that the word of God states clearly that wives should submit to their husbands. (In hindsight, that was the only biblical reference I heard from him…I wonder if he knew any other). He believed that most wives were stubborn and opinionated and must be forced into submission even if it was through punishment. I learnt that lesson pretty well as my mother was a recipient of constant acts of brutality with rights and privileges withheld. She however remained in the relationship, albeit unhappily. My first wife moved on as a result of my mindset and it was only after my current wife suffered a miscarriage as a result of beatings, that I had a rethink.”

Wosilat explained, “In our home, it was somewhat different. My mother was an expert at giving “. She would ignore my father and withhold food and other privileges for what she referred to as “Bad behaviour.” I grew up feeling it was the right way to manage disagreements. I tried that a number of times with my now estranged husband. On the fourth occasion, he gave me the beating of my life and I landed in hospital. That led to our estrangement as I almost lost my life. To be candid, I believe I had pushed him to the limits, so he reacted with pent-up anger.”

Ogbealu rounded up on the note that the home is the first sphere of influence for children and serves as their template for how marriages should be handled. Where parents show maturity in conduct, responsibility and managing challenges disputes or disagreements, the children are more likely to follow that template when faced with similar challenges. A conciliatory arrangement tends to stabilise marriages. Where the contrary is the case, the children imbibe a culture of strife which invariably results in the breakdown of the family unit.

Havilah is reminded of the lyrics of one of Millie Jackson’s songs that was a hit in the late seventies, “You Created a Monster.” As parents, we are expected to mould the character of our children but sometimes our actions or inactions create monsters out of our children, which then become impossible or at best, difficult to correct, control or manage. It is my prayer that the Lord will help us to be good examples to our children and all who look up to us as mentors. The saying “Example is the best teacher” is so true and we should never forget it especially as it impacts young marriages today. The rate of break up of young marriages is becoming alarming and a discouragement to persons of marriageable age.

I can’t believe I skipped the usual wishes for a successful year! Dear readers, thank you for the encouraging reviews and support in 2023. I wish you all a prosperous year ahead and may all your desires come through.

Love

Havilah