I got on my laptop to “holla” at all my peeps as usual and felt this unexplained inertia. Suddenly it dawned on me…it’s the season!
It’s that season of the year again when the atmosphere is electric, and everything appears magical (at least for some). It is a period of splurging, dazzling lights and décor, corporate and social events, sharing of gifts and general fun and banter.
The holidays are a joyous time and Havilah encourages you to indulge yourself in things that are self-gratifying – make yourselves happy relaxed and stress-free.
As for Havilah, she intends to hibernate and give her fingers a well-deserved vacation, far away from her laptop.
Wishing you lots of love, happiness, and blessings. Have yourself a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Simbi and Tejumade are two friends working for an upscale multinational company in the manufacturing space. At today’s town hall meeting, they were informed of the company’s decision to wind down its operations in the country as a result of the “unfavourable operating conditions in their host country.” Although the announcement did not catch most employees unawares, they had secretly hoped that the company would continue to weather the storms and keep them gainfully employed. Simbi and Teju, as she was fondly called, simultaneously heaved a huge sigh as they retreated to their favourite relaxation spot in the staff canteen to mull over the information. The news required careful consideration given the harsh economic realities and dearth of viable employment opportunities at the time.
“Teju, your situation is better than mine,” Simbi opined. “At least, Lanre still has his job. My Nnamdi got laid off about a year ago and has been begging to apply since then. I had since assumed the role of the breadwinner and we have managed on my salary and a few contracts Nnamdi has been able to secure.” Teju shook her head in sympathy and replied “Hm… my dear sister, what will happen now, especially with the two children currently in secondary school? Honestly, I wish there were something I can do to assist.” Simbi responded with a smile and a rhetorical phrase – “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” She continued “The announcement actually came as no surprise as we all expected it at some time or the other because the signs were pretty evident, so I had actually come up with my plan in the face of any eventuality. I had weighed my options by considering my latent skills and talents which I can now harness for revenue generation. I owe it to my mother who insisted that during my university vacations and in my NYSC (National Youth Service Corps) year, I pick up millinery skills and baking. I will do some refresher courses and brush up on these skills. I guess I could probably make more than I earned as a salary if I concentrate on these two business streams and having worked in an organised sector like ours has its advantages in assisting me better manage the businesses.”
“Lucky you,” Teju replied. I am not that blessed as I have no learned skills outside of my formal education and work experience. Lanre will have to pick up the tab for all bills until I can secure another job.”
“Not so” Simbi replied. “Do not forget you are meant to be a help mate to your husband, not a liability. You must look inward to your innate abilities and talents and use them. This is the time to utilise our training and think outside the box.” “I remember the small chops you made from scratch for your daughter’s naming ceremony a few years back. They were delicious with a unique flavour. Have you thought of commercialising it and expanding your scope? It is never too late to learn a new skill. You will be surprised at what you can achieve.”
“So true” replied Teju. “I like the positive angle you have taken on this. You know, I have a cousin who suffered a similar fate two years ago and has not been able to secure employment since then. All she does is sit at home, mope, and reach out to extended family members for help. The situation has taken a toll on her marriage and health…hmmm, I really think women should understand their empowerment by taking control of their lives. That should reduce the number of able-bodied women I now see begging on the streets.”
Simbi nodded in agreement. “Yes, indeed Teju. I actually consider such women who are begging – lazy. What happened to roasting yams, plantain, groundnut, corn, and the like? Some women even help carry purchases in the marketplace, all in order to earn a living. There is dignity in labour.”
Havilah is of the opinion that we must encourage our youth to learn multiple skills and explore their innate abilities and talents, towards developing their entrepreneurial capabilities. This amounts to value creation and becomes essential in a world where orthodox jobs are becoming scarce. To remain relevant, they must not only hone their skills but also develop a mindset that there is dignity in labour thereby eschewing laziness which attaches a stigma to their person.
Mama Pat as she was proudly referred to in the village, hurriedly finished her dressing as she prepared to attend the merit award ceremony organised by the Federal Government, in which her daughter Patricia, was an awardee. She momentarily felt a wave of sadness that her husband, Borokini, was not alive to witness this day. Patricia had brought pride and joy to the family and so also had David, her brother. She quickly thanked God for the children she had been gifted with and hurried into the car which was waiting to take her to the award ceremony.
Mama Pat had started her primary education at the local village primary school but had not been able to further her education because her parents had been peasant farmers and could not afford to send her to the nearest secondary school which was 6 miles away. She had been forced to learn the trade of pressing palm oil from palm fruits and had gone on to become one of the best palm oil producers in her locality. She had married Borokini, a palm wine tapper and together they had trained their two children Patricia and David, until he passed away. Borokini had passed quite early in their marriage but through the patronage of her childhood friend, Anthonia, she was able to subsist together with the children until fortune smiled on her. She spent time teaching her children true Christian values of honesty, fairness, hard work, and was good at administering appropriate discipline. She taught them to place their confidence in God and that all things work together for good for those who trust in God. Patricia would often return from school to help mama Pat with the oil press and her petty trade. Pat, a highly intelligent and cultured girl was favoured to win the Community scholarship that saw her through secondary school. She later obtained a scholarship admission to an Ivy league university in the U.S.A and the community once again rose up to the challenge of paying for her living expenses during her studies. She graduated Summa cum Laude in Public Administration and returned into public service in her home country. Her quality Service was now being appreciated by the merit award she was about to receive.
Mama Pat’s mind momentarily wandered to her friend Anthonia as she wondered how she was faring. The last she had heard she was bemoaning the fate of her son, Sotonye. Mama Pat and Anthonia had started life as closest friends having been classmates in their local primary school. Anthonia had left the village for the city after her primary education, to live with her aunt in the city. There she had gone on to Secondary school and to the Polytechnic where she graduated with a National Diploma in Business Studies. Thereafter, she had married a business tycoon in the city who had set her up in the palm oil business. She had a thriving business and had reached out to Mama Pat to be one of her suppliers. In partnership with her husband, she had given her three children the best education they could afford. Unfortunately, Anthonia had concentrated on wealth and the luxuries of life, to the detriment of inculcating the right value system in the children. She worked extremely hard and left their training to the school, maids, and cooks, and Sotonye, her youngest child was the most hit by the neglect. She had spoilt Sotonye silly in compensation for the neglect she guiltily acknowledged. Whenever he ran into trouble anywhere, she was quick to bail him out using her money as bribe and bait in diverse situations. Her motto was “money solves all problems”, and Sotonye had come to believe that any and everything could be handled by his mother to his benefit. She had paid for Sotonye to attend a private University in the U.S.A and after a long sojourn of about 8 years, had graduated with a bachelor’s degree in dance. Upon his return home, his parents had utilised their influence and connection to land him a Federal Government appointment. Three years into his office, he was indicted for fraud and mismanagement of funds and kicked out of office with ignominy.
Anthonia while bemoaning Sotonye’s plight, sat watching the Federal Government awards on television and was surprised to see her old friend – Mama Pat’s face among the crowd waiting to witness her daughter’s award. She broke down and wept bitterly. She muttered “Indeed the key to Nation building lies in the hands of women. Instilling the right values starts from home. I never spared the time to teach my children right and see where it landed me. Mama Pat kept advising me, but I ignored her in the belief she was not “forward looking”.
Havilah is of the opinion that mothers are indeed the KEY to Nation building as they have a responsibility to inculcate the right values in their children so that society can experience a positive impact. It is no gainsaying that even from biblical times, the impact of mothers on the values exhibited by their children, has always been evident. That is why, Lois and Eunice got a mention in the bible concerning the way they had brought up Timothy. They had impacted his life positively. I pray we connect the dots as to how we directly or indirectly impact our nation and assist in bringing up citizens with the right values.
Yours truly was at the Christian wake keep of a beautiful old lady who had just passed away at the age of 80 and listened to all the wonderful testimonies that attested to her as the quintessential virtuous woman described in Proverbs 31 of the Bible. Mama was known for her acts of charity to all and sundry, her sacrificial giving of time, resources, and skills to help widows and orphans in particular, her wise counsel to corporate concerns, her deep involvement in church projects and so many other great works. However, I was most moved by a young man who walked up to the microphone alongside his wife and two beautiful children. He introduced himself as a recipient of Mama’s immeasurable love, which had enabled him an education and that had made him a son by assimilation into her family. Mama had also extended that love to his wife and children. His testimony was encapsulated in one simple sentence “Brothers and sisters…if we still lived in biblical times, I would have invited Apostle Peter to resuscitate Mama.” I found this to be a profound testimony as it set me thinking about the reference to Dorcas (Tabitha) of Joppa, who was resuscitated by Peter, according to Acts of the Apostles 9:38, for her good works and acts of mercy in sewing for the poor. These deeds singled her out for mention in the book believed to be the most widely read book – the bible. Her memory has thus remained blessed through the ages. Because of her charitable acts, good works and hospitality, the women were pained at her passing and requested that Peter resuscitate her.
Dorcas was a virtuous woman who lived a life of purpose, diligence, and forgiveness. She served God through service to humanity and was a disciple of Christ which is why the women sent for Peter. She served others with love and kindness. She spent wisely which enabled her enough to be charitable. She was industrious engaging in profitable work with her hands and assisting others. She exuded an inner beauty which was recognised and evidenced by the love people had for her.
As women, we should emulate Dorcas by being charitable and hospitable to all, giving not just material things but also care, time, and counsel. How often do we lend a hand, particularly in these difficult times? Have you assisted that young mother who must juggle her work schedule with picking up the children from school whereas you have the time and means to actually pick them up from school and keep them comfortable till she gets back from work? What of that washerman, security guard, or driver who can barely eat a meal from his meagre salary, while you have excess foodstuff, both raw and cooked, have you thought of giving him some? Have you put a smile on the face of your neighbour by paying for extra tutoring for his son who is your son’s classmate or paid for his external examinations which funds his parents are struggling to find? Honestly, there is so much to be done and we can be creative about assistance but most importantly, let us put a smile on someone’s face. What indeed will you be remembered for – your kindness or your hostility, your hospitality or your aloofness, your gentleness, or your brashness?
I recently came across two persons who were pleasantly surprised by the results of acts of kindness presumed forgotten. The first person had assisted some itinerant students with accommodation, feeding and out-of-pocket expenses while they were in the university. The 3 ladies had lived in her boys’ quarters, and she never knew their parents. Long after they left school, they remained in touch and expressed their gratitude by gifting her with a Mediterranean ship cruise. The overwhelming joy she experienced cannot be captured in words. The second is a recipient of the result of his father’s largesse. Having applied to a Government Parastatal regarding a contract, he walked in to see the Director-General with the hope of obtaining favour. Immediately after he announced his name, the Director-General asked if he had any relationship with a certain man with the same surname and when he affirmed the man to be his father, the Director-General waved him to a seat and recounted how his late father had been monumentally helpful to him and that he would gladly do anything in his power for any of his children. Needless to say, what he was requesting was a done deal. It is important to note that our deeds never go unnoticed and the rewards for our actions, both good and bad are often reaped whether by us or by our children. Let us learn to give positively of ourselves to humanity.
It was another beautiful day and Omiete who was busy with her customers at her flourishing restaurant suddenly realised that the woman who supplied her fresh vegetables daily would soon be around to pick up her payment for the previous day’s supply. She hurriedly called Okon (her teenage son} who was hard at his studies for his SSCE (Senior Secondary Certificate Examination) to hurry to the bank ATM which was close by and withdraw the sum of N20,000.00 (twenty thousand naira) cash for her use. Reluctantly, Okon left and Omiete returned to rendering service to her customers. It was not until about two hours later when the vegetable vendor arrived that Omiete realised that Okon had not yet returned. She asked all the staff if they had seen him and dialed his cellular phone. To her surprise, his number was switched off. This sent a wave of panic through her because she knew her son. He was not one associated with frivolity and had always acted responsibly. Something must be wrong she thought. “Where do I start from” she whispered to herself. His father had passed on when he was a toddler and Okon was all she lived for. Hmm, she headed for the bank and insisted on seeing the Manager although they were closed to customers. She made a report and was advised to report to the nearest police station. She rushed to the station only to be informed that nothing could be done until after 24 hours of his disappearance so she should come the next day. She was restless, could he have been involved in a hit-and-run accident? Did robbers follow him and dispossess him of the money? Was he kidnapped? The questions were endless and there was no respite. She rushed to her church and poured out her anguish to the parish priest who calmed her somewhat and prayed along with her. She was then advised to wait until the next day and the priest volunteered to accompany her to the police station.
Omiete hardly slept a wink all night as she kept vigil till morning and was busy counting the hours until it was 24 hours since Okon had left the restaurant. As if on cue, the parish priest picked her up in his car and they headed to the police station. She lodged her complaint, and the police accompanied her to the bank where the CCTV camera of the bank showed Okon as having collected money from the ATM. They however noticed that he was closely followed out of the bank premises by a young man whose face was caught on camera. The police also tracked the phone using the IMEI code and were able to trace its location to another town bordering the outskirts of the city. Omiete’s heart was pounding loudly as she insisted on accompanying the police to the suspected location, hoping to see her son but all her entreaties fell on deaf ears as the police insisted that it would be dangerous to do so. After about three days, Okon was brought home by the police although he needed to be treated for shock and malnourishment…but what was that compared with the loss of a child…worse still, an only child. There is a local proverb that interprets it as: “The death of a child is less traumatic than that of a missing child that is never found”. Omiete was grateful to God for the return of Okon and likened it to the joy that the father of the prodigal son in the bible, felt at his return.
Unfortunately, the case of missing persons, and in particular missing children, is on the increase globally. Parents are warned to teach their children safety, security consciousness and awareness and schools should assist in the education process as well. People also need to acquaint themselves with the steps required in cases of missing persons. In Nigeria, these are:
Informing the police within 24 hours of the time the person became missing. For emphasis, I repeat WITHIN not after. In Nigeria, S.90 of the Police Act of 2020, states this clearly.
A report should also be made online through the Missing Platforms Platform. The platform partners with technical assistants and the ICRC (International Committee of the Red Cross) to provide trauma management services for both the family members and the reconciled missing persons.
Advertisements in all media platforms e.g., visual, audio, and social are also helpful.
It is also noteworthy that the IMEI numbers of phones can be used to track the location of phones, which may assist in tracking down hideouts. Most androids have apps that assist in finding the phone and this could help the police in their investigations.
Three empty nesters were meeting in the home of the Wilsons for a potluck dinner and just after setting all the dishes in place, Erioluwa Wilson absent-mindedly called out for “Bembem” the younger of her two daughters, who left home a couple of weeks before to serve the National Youth Service Corps. Lanre (her husband) responded with a chuckle “Eri dear, none of the girls is home and you better get used to it as she will be joining her sister in the United Kingdom after the NYSC program, for her masters. It is just me and you. Maybe I can help you fetch what you want”, he added with a pat on her back. Erioluwa heaved a deep sigh and wondered if, she would ever get used to not correcting, discussing, admonishing, and generally disagreeing with the girls, especially Bembem whose characteristics could loosen the tongue of a person with speech impairment. She appreciated Lanre for offering and sent him off to retrieve the chilled juices from the fridge.
As soon as Haroun and Hafsat were admitted into the house, Haroun took a sweeping look around the dining room and in his baritone voice, enquired “Where is my favorite person – Bembem? I expected her to get the door as usual”. In response, Eri explained that she had commenced the NYSC and was sorely missed at home. She continued, “I miss her so much, in fact, you just missed a scene in which I was yelling for her assistance. Thank God for Lanre stepping in to assist. First, it was Moremi and now Bembem, this empty nest syndrome will take some getting used to o. Luckily, there are mobile phones and internet technology to bridge the gap, but I still feel their physical absence”.
Hafsat quickly cut in…” Not to worry, you will fill in the gaps over time. I certainly am enjoying the privilege of having Haroun’s undivided attention these days and spending quality time with each other. Well. In our case, I guess it was easier to adjust because, during our marriage counseling, we were advised to start to prepare for the empty nest immediately after we had the first child. The counselor said that in like manner as we prepare for retirement immediately after we get the first job, we should realise that the first child and any subsequent ones will need their independence and certainly leave home one day. So, immediately after Mahmoud was born, we continued with our couple outings and vacations, allowing Mahmoud and later, his siblings to spend sleepovers and vacations with family members. Of course, we also had family vacations and outings that included them, but we (Haroun and I) continued to bond in our own special space”.
“That is not to say we don’t miss them, but it made it easier for us to let go of the leash. At this point, what they need are our prayers and support, where available”, Haroun added.
As if on cue, Angel and Fred walked in with the words, “My o my, Eri how are you coping with Bembem’s absence? It can’t be easy, but trust me, you will overcome the seeming desolation”. Angel continued, “For us, we gradually eased into it. You will recall that Patrick and Yvonne were sent to a Secondary Boarding school and since their ages are close, the house was empty during the school term. This continued with their university experience as both went to school very far away from home. By the time they were back home for the NYSC, it was strange seeing them around so often, so it came as no surprise that they opted to rent accommodation immediately after they gained employment. I must admit that the boarding school phase was the most difficult for us as we had hitherto arranged our lives around them…school drops off, food, engagement, pickups, etc. Let me say Ert and Lanre, WELCOME TO OUR WORLD! Luckily, it is our responsibility to pick up Yvonne’s daughter, Merill from school and have her company until her mum picks her up after work.
Eri, looked at the faces of all her friends one after the other and acknowledged their encouragement. Yes, the words made her feel better but she knew, she would still have to go through the “pain” associated with her beloved Bembem being away. Funnily, when Tola, Bembem’s older sister left home, she hadn’t felt it as much maybe because she still had Bembem. She shrugged her shoulders and promised to deal with it in her own way because she knew, it was inevitable. Every parent’s prayer is to raise independent and successful children and independent children must at some stage, leave the nest.
Biobele rushed into Bami’s apartment yelling “Hey…this is inconceivable o. I just read on social media that my pastor has been incarcerated for scamming people off millions by deceiving them and promising that he has been praying for them! Hey… Bami, I don’t know what to say, it means I am one of his victims. I sometimes use him as my prayer contractor for which he often requests some inducement and I willingly oblige. After all, fasting and praying are not my forte and after my mother passed, there has been a vacuum in that regard.
Bami was swift to react. “Bio dear, nothing beats taking your requests directly to your heavenly father yourself. You do not need an intermediary because the only person who knows the entirety of what pertains to you is God. Besides, no one can feel the pinch of your shoes better than you the wearer, so you are in the best position to cry out to God. The word of God says you cannot expect answered prayers when you pray amiss. How then do you contract out your communication with your father and think it would not be done amiss?
Biobele replied with a sigh “Hmmm…mama was a prayer warrior, so we always relied on her to pray for us. As children, she would quickly say a word of prayer over us before we left for school and would later go down on her knees for hours, praying for the entire household. She tried to encourage us to do morning devotion (which I did sparingly) but aside from that prayers were left to her.
Bami asked “How did you handle nightmares as a child?” to which Bio replied, “Mama would cuddle us pray for us, and sing us to sleep. Honestly, I miss my sweet mother.”
Bami shook her head in concern and advised Bio “I honestly think Mama made a mistake in taking on all the communication with God on your behalf and that is why you have now fallen prey to prayer contractors. One must develop a personal relationship with God and a clear channel of communication. Any other intercessor is only re-echoing your requests to God. If you haven’t communicated, there is nothing to re-echo. I know that because of the mother-child relationship, a mother’s prayers speak for the children, but she must teach them to fish rather than feeding them with fish all the time. As things stand, you need to learn to pray for both you and your family. Who will teach your children to fish and who will intercede on their behalf like your mother did for you? Darling, you need to put the full armor of God on and realise that growing in faith and spirituality requires dedication and discipline if you will stop being a Sunday – Sunday Christian who only enjoys the fellowship of attending church service. You must start a discipleship program and learn to commune with God every morning by having devotion and committing the day to his hands. It’s not about “Father please watch over me today and return me safely home” then being on your way. “You will also learn to study his word and gradually migrate into intense prayers and intercession for your family. It is not only doable but necessary, and the Lord will hearken to your prayers.”
“Now, let us celebrate your emancipation with prayers of thanksgiving and praise to Almighty God for revealing the truth to you. “
Havilah admonishes parents and in particular, mothers, that they owe a duty to their children to bring them up according to the dictates of their religion which requires entrenching in them the tenets of their faith as well as teaching them how to commune with God. This not only assists them in navigating the storms of life but also consolidates their relationship with God, especially in these precarious times.
After a busy day shopping for knick-knacks around town, I called my childhood friend, Toluwalase, to find out if I could pop in for a quick chit-chat before heading home. As was expected, she obliged me with the visit, and within ten minutes I was at her doorstep. It is never a dull moment with Lase (as I fondly referred to her) and this time I found her making Homemade pasta from scratch… I mean from the semolina flour. Astonished, I quipped “My dear African Italian, where did you pick this up from now? You never cease to amaze me.” In her quiet manner she responded, “Havilah, just watch me and after you admit to eating the best pasta and meatballs ever, I will tell you the secret.” I watched intently as she deftly rolled out the pasts into incredible shapes and couped them in an awesome tomato-based sauce with delicate meatballs. The aroma was mouth-watering. So, as we sat to our delicious dinner chased down with some white wine, I asked between mouthfuls “So can I get the gist behind this new Italian cuisine chef status? “
Lase laughed and cleared her throat, “During my last visit to our daughter, she gave me a lecture on the need to relax thoroughly and engage in some leisure and self-care. Thereafter, she lined up a series of activities to engage in during my short stay. The activities were varied but impactful. Relaxing yet productive and I daresay, I learnt quite a lot yet enjoyed myself doing so. You see, I attended a pasta-making class from an authentic Italian chef, and it was fun rolling the pasta from scratch and learning the tricks of the trade like the right quantity of salt and whether oil is required at all, etc. I also went to a winery and did some wine tasting, learning the aging process and types of grapes used for the different classes of wines like rose, champagne, red wine, etc. How I wasn’t intoxicated that day is still a miracle but gladly, I was not driving,” she said with a laugh, and continued. ”I visited the theatre to watch a musical show and listen to an orchestra, went up the mountains admiring nature along the way, hmm, it probably was the time I was most at peace with myself and it helped me to appreciate God more.”
Her experience helped me to relive my own experience at a “sip and paint” recently where time sped past as I tried to put together some colours on canvas for my living room. My painting started off as a masquerade but ended up as an abstract painting but hey… who cares, I had fun doing it and the banters shared around the room by all who participated helped with networking. That day, I shared my High School Geography teacher’s cynicism with all in attendance. I had put in my best effort to draw the map of North America and this woman had squinted at the map and asked with all seriousness “Is this a yam”. The class had erupted in laughter and though initially pained, I later found humour in her comment.
As I left Lase, I realised that too often, we ladies get too involved with caring for parents, husbands, children, and a host of others, that we barely have time for ourselves. We fail to enjoy the simple things of life. The lines of W. H. Davies in his poem entitled LEISURE kept creeping into my mind. “What is this life if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare…A poor life this is if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare.” We do not take time out to breathe and enjoy nature – The beaches, the countryside, our tourist attractions, live shows, and newer leisure activities like ceramic/pottery painting and other art-related activities, karaoke and other musical activities, sporting activities, etc. The benefits of leisure are enormous, especially in a world so full of stress. We tend to forget that life is fleeting, and the reality comes home when I translate the years to days. 100 hundred years is merely 36500 days! How many of us have the grace to live for a hundred years? May the Lord help us to apply wisdom.
From experience, a little self-care or self-indulgence enables you to cope better with stress, you decompress to better prepare you for subsequent stressors.
Let us learn to take those little breaks, vacations, and trips and generally live life, life does not have to be one of drudgery.
The global economy and security are in a state of flux, thereby engendering human migration more than ever before. This is more so for the younger and middle-aged population, searching for an improved quality of life. As I ruminate over this trend, I realise that this sometimes forms the motive for some marriages and not necessarily love.
Take the case of Tamara, a pretty, articulate, and amiable young lady who at about the age of 28, met an equally attractive, independent, and successful young man, Bolarinwa, in a chat room online. The attraction was mutual and electric and in a span of six months, Bolarinwa had invited Tamara over to visit him at his base in Amsterdam. Tamara loved it there and had started scheming on the easiest way to consolidate the relationship especially since back in her home country, she was barely coping with the challenges. During the visit, she became pregnant and Bolarinwa was over the moon about it. He was obviously in love with Tamara and grateful to God for meeting “the love of his life”. This was so important to him especially since at 39, he was under tremendous pressure from family and friends to as they put it “settle down”. After all, he had a comfortable job and was thriving in Amsterdam. He also knew that once he got married, both wife and child would be entitled to live and work in Amsterdam. Life was good. He extended her stay to enable her to deliver the baby in Amsterdam, thus enabling the baby the benefit of citizenship. Afterwards, they all undertook the journey back home to tie the knot and it looked like a divinely ordered affair.
Trouble however started shortly after their return to Amsterdam as Tamara seemed to have undergone a 180-degree turnaround. She became rude, arrogant, and uncouth. The home became a battlefield where scathing remarks were exchanged and hurt feelings were ignored. In spite of Bolarinwa’s entreaties to work on the relationship and possibly seek counsel, Tamara decided to walk away with two-year-old Bimbo. Soon after, she married a Dutchman. A devastated Bolarinwa, too late, remembered the warnings of Andrew (his bosom friend). When he had broached the idea of his intention to marry Tamara, Andrew had warned “Bro, look before you leap! The Latin term Caveat Emptor is not only applicable to business deals. These days, you must assess or ascertain the motive of any potential partner. Is their motive borne out of genuine interest or is it seen as a means to an end?”
It is important to note here that not all marriages contracted with diasporans are based on a premise of deception or manipulation. However, emphasis is placed on reading between the lines and assessing the relationship with clear eyes and not rose-tinted glasses. May the Lord grant us the spirit of discernment. It is also worthy of mention here that the roles are reversible, it is not gender-based.
In times gone by it was commonplace for women to express concern when their husbands or fiancés had to visit the Southeastern part of Nigeria for protracted stays. Reason? Fear of losing such men to ladies from the area. It was believed by men and women alike that women from the region knew what it took to please a man and keep a man. This belief could be traced to the “Fattening Room” concept. The popular belief was that the Efiks, Ibibios, and Kalabari ladies were sent to the fattening rooms to flesh them up in preparation for marriage, a formal pre-marriage routine. However, the fattening room offered a lot more training for the prospective bride as it embraced five more key components of marriage. These are:
Grooming and beauty care.
Culinary expertise.
Respect, patience, and courtesy.
Financial management
Pleasurable techniques
This became etched in the subconscious of ladies from the region and was passed on from generation to generation. They became recognised for making good wives. However, this did not prevent women from other regions from the capacity to make good wives provided they were (albeit informally) frequently counseled and mentored by their mothers and other elderly members of the family on expectations from marriage. However, what better method of learning than emulation? Consequently, where a mother’s instruction or advice runs contrary to her example or practice, the resultant effect is confusion in the daughter’s mind. As the proverb goes, “example is better than precept” so the daughter is more likely to follow the example rather than the advice. This does not preclude counseling from clerics, but such counsel is usually perceived as doctrinal and short-lived, spanning 4-12 sessions of about an hour each…considered inadequate.
In recent times, mothers appear too busy to provide appropriate counseling, and often the children have had to live away from home for protracted periods prior to marriage. It therefore means greater reliance is placed on the examples they observed while growing up at home. It is therefore important for mothers and guardians, to mentor their children and wards with good examples of how marriage should be handled. Parents need to pay attention to what happens at home, to assist their children in building successful homes. Let us learn from Oremi’s counsel below:
Oluta rang the bell of her girlfriend’s house and shifted impatiently until Oremi opened the door. Omitting the usual pleasantries, she hastened into the living room asking, “Ah ah, Oremi, what took you so long to attend to the door?” In the same breath, she continued…” honestly, I have had it up to my neck with Obu. He is such a spoilt brat throwing unnecessary tantrums. Can you imagine, he refuses to eat when he is upset, and when he storms out angry and I do not have food ready for him because I assume he will not eat it, he makes a fuss. He behaves like a baby and expects me to cajole him all the time. To compound matters, I believe he is now seeing someone else. Can you imagine?”
Oremi applies her soothing strategy to calm Oluta’s frayed nerves by playing some soothing music and discussing observations at the last party they attended together. That never fails to work on calming Oluta. After she observes her change in mood, she resumes the topic. Clearing her throat, she laughs “Baby girl, let me first apologise for keeping you at the door but I was getting dinner ready for Bodun and could not leave it at that point because it will not turn out the way he loves it. Oluta, you must learn to do what Obu loves and do it with love and feeling. If he wants you to cajole him into eating your food when he is angry, by all means, do so. I remember my father was like that when I was growing up and after a series of entreaties, my mother would enlist my help in cajoling him to eat. One day, I retorted…Mama, let him starve. He is not hungry that is why he is acting up. You have spoilt him!” I remember her asking me with a gentle smile, “is that what you will do to your husband”, and I replied with an unwavering, YES. Fast forward years later, I found myself doing the very same thing my mother used to do, whenever Bodun acted up, contrary to my response at the time. Somehow, her example spoke volumes and that is what I imbibed, and that is what makes for the peace and tranquility you see and appreciate today”. She continued, “So Oluta dear, it is not too late to correct your steps. Every human being, I take that back, every living thing, regardless of sex, likes to be pampered and loved. Pampering never fails to evoke recognition and appreciation. I know it will work for you as well so why not try a little pampering, you will be surprised at the fruits and benefits it brings you”.
Havilah advises that parents should be intentional about their relationships at home as this impacts the young impressionable minds placed by God under their care. May the Lord help us to do it right.
Havilah Speaks 