Three empty nesters were meeting in the home of the Wilsons for a potluck dinner and just after setting all the dishes in place, Erioluwa Wilson absent-mindedly called out for “Bembem” the younger of her two daughters, who left home a couple of weeks before to serve the National Youth Service Corps. Lanre (her husband) responded with a chuckle “Eri dear, none of the girls is home and you better get used to it as she will be joining her sister in the United Kingdom after the NYSC program, for her masters. It is just me and you. Maybe I can help you fetch what you want”, he added with a pat on her back. Erioluwa heaved a deep sigh and wondered if, she would ever get used to not correcting, discussing, admonishing, and generally disagreeing with the girls, especially Bembem whose characteristics could loosen the tongue of a person with speech impairment. She appreciated Lanre for offering and sent him off to retrieve the chilled juices from the fridge.

As soon as Haroun and Hafsat were admitted into the house, Haroun took a sweeping look around the dining room and in his baritone voice, enquired “Where is my favorite person – Bembem? I expected her to get the door as usual”. In response, Eri explained that she had commenced the NYSC and was sorely missed at home. She continued, “I miss her so much, in fact, you just missed a scene in which I was yelling for her assistance. Thank God for Lanre stepping in to assist. First, it was Moremi and now Bembem, this empty nest syndrome will take some getting used to o. Luckily, there are mobile phones and internet technology to bridge the gap, but I still feel their physical absence”.

Hafsat quickly cut in…” Not to worry, you will fill in the gaps over time. I certainly am enjoying the privilege of having Haroun’s undivided attention these days and spending quality time with each other. Well. In our case, I guess it was easier to adjust because, during our marriage counseling, we were advised to start to prepare for the empty nest immediately after we had the first child. The counselor said that in like manner as we prepare for retirement immediately after we get the first job, we should realise that the first child and any subsequent ones will need their independence and certainly leave home one day.  So, immediately after Mahmoud was born, we continued with our couple outings and vacations, allowing Mahmoud and later, his siblings to spend sleepovers and vacations with family members. Of course, we also had family vacations and outings that included them, but we (Haroun and I) continued to bond in our own special space”.

“That is not to say we don’t miss them, but it made it easier for us to let go of the leash. At this point, what they need are our prayers and support, where available”, Haroun added.

As if on cue, Angel and Fred walked in with the words, “My o my, Eri how are you coping with Bembem’s absence? It can’t be easy, but trust me, you will overcome the seeming desolation”. Angel continued, “For us, we gradually eased into it. You will recall that Patrick and Yvonne were sent to a Secondary Boarding school and since their ages are close, the house was empty during the school term. This continued with their university experience as both went to school very far away from home. By the time they were back home for the NYSC, it was strange seeing them around so often, so it came as no surprise that they opted to rent accommodation immediately after they gained employment. I must admit that the boarding school phase was the most difficult for us as we had hitherto arranged our lives around them…school drops off, food, engagement, pickups, etc. Let me say Ert and Lanre, WELCOME TO OUR WORLD! Luckily, it is our responsibility to pick up Yvonne’s daughter, Merill from school and have her company until her mum picks her up after work.

Eri, looked at the faces of all her friends one after the other and acknowledged their encouragement. Yes, the words made her feel better but she knew, she would still have to go through the “pain” associated with her beloved Bembem being away. Funnily, when Tola, Bembem’s older sister left home, she hadn’t felt it as much maybe because she still had Bembem. She shrugged her shoulders and promised to deal with it in her own way because she knew, it was inevitable. Every parent’s prayer is to raise independent and successful children and independent children must at some stage, leave the nest.

Love

Havilah

Biobele rushed into Bami’s apartment yelling “Hey…this is inconceivable o. I just read on social media that my pastor has been incarcerated for scamming people off millions by deceiving them and promising that he has been praying for them! Hey… Bami, I don’t know what to say, it means I am one of his victims. I sometimes use him as my prayer contractor for which he often requests some inducement and I willingly oblige. After all, fasting and praying are not my forte and after my mother passed, there has been a vacuum in that regard.

Bami was swift to react. “Bio dear, nothing beats taking your requests directly to your heavenly father yourself. You do not need an intermediary because the only person who knows the entirety of what pertains to you is God. Besides, no one can feel the pinch of your shoes better than you the wearer, so you are in the best position to cry out to God. The word of God says you cannot expect answered prayers when you pray amiss. How then do you contract out your communication with your father and think it would not be done amiss?

Biobele replied with a sigh “Hmmm…mama was a prayer warrior, so we always relied on her to pray for us. As children, she would quickly say a word of prayer over us before we left for school and would later go down on her knees for hours, praying for the entire household. She tried to encourage us to do morning devotion (which I did sparingly) but aside from that prayers were left to her.

Bami asked “How did you handle nightmares as a child?” to which Bio replied, “Mama would cuddle us pray for us, and sing us to sleep. Honestly, I miss my sweet mother.”

Bami shook her head in concern and advised Bio “I honestly think Mama made a mistake in taking on all the communication with God on your behalf and that is why you have now fallen prey to prayer contractors. One must develop a personal relationship with God and a clear channel of communication. Any other intercessor is only re-echoing your requests to God. If you haven’t communicated, there is nothing to re-echo. I know that because of the mother-child relationship, a mother’s prayers speak for the children, but she must teach them to fish rather than feeding them with fish all the time. As things stand, you need to learn to pray for both you and your family. Who will teach your children to fish and who will intercede on their behalf like your mother did for you? Darling, you need to put the full armor of God on and realise that growing in faith and spirituality requires dedication and discipline if you will stop being a Sunday – Sunday Christian who only enjoys the fellowship of attending church service. You must start a discipleship program and learn to commune with God every morning by having devotion and committing the day to his hands. It’s not about “Father please watch over me today and return me safely home” then being on your way. “You will also learn to study his word and gradually migrate into intense prayers and intercession for your family. It is not only doable but necessary, and the Lord will hearken to your prayers.”

“Now, let us celebrate your emancipation with prayers of thanksgiving and praise to Almighty God for revealing the truth to you. “

Havilah admonishes parents and in particular, mothers, that they owe a duty to their children to bring them up according to the dictates of their religion which requires entrenching in them the tenets of their faith as well as teaching them how to commune with God. This not only assists them in navigating the storms of life but also consolidates their relationship with God, especially in these precarious times.

Love

Havilah

After a busy day shopping for knick-knacks around town, I called my childhood friend, Toluwalase, to find out if I could pop in for a quick chit-chat before heading home. As was expected, she obliged me with the visit, and within ten minutes I was at her doorstep. It is never a dull moment with Lase (as I fondly referred to her) and this time I found her making Homemade pasta from scratch… I mean from the semolina flour. Astonished, I quipped “My dear African Italian, where did you pick this up from now? You never cease to amaze me.” In her quiet manner she responded, “Havilah, just watch me and after you admit to eating the best pasta and meatballs ever, I will tell you the secret.” I watched intently as she deftly rolled out the pasts into incredible shapes and couped them in an awesome tomato-based sauce with delicate meatballs. The aroma was mouth-watering. So, as we sat to our delicious dinner chased down with some white wine, I asked between mouthfuls “So can I get the gist behind this new Italian cuisine chef status? “

Lase laughed and cleared her throat, “During my last visit to our daughter, she gave me a lecture on the need to relax thoroughly and engage in some leisure and self-care. Thereafter, she lined up a series of activities to engage in during my short stay. The activities were varied but impactful. Relaxing yet productive and I daresay, I learnt quite a lot yet enjoyed myself doing so. You see, I attended a pasta-making class from an authentic Italian chef, and it was fun rolling the pasta from scratch and learning the tricks of the trade like the right quantity of salt and whether oil is required at all, etc.  I also went to a winery and did some wine tasting, learning the aging process and types of grapes used for the different classes of wines like rose, champagne, red wine, etc. How I wasn’t intoxicated that day is still a miracle but gladly, I was not driving,” she said with a laugh, and continued. ”I visited the theatre to watch a musical show and listen to an orchestra, went up the mountains admiring nature along the way, hmm, it probably was the time I was most at peace with myself and it helped me to appreciate God more.”

Her experience helped me to relive my own experience at a “sip and paint” recently where time sped past as I tried to put together some colours on canvas for my living room. My painting started off as a masquerade but ended up as an abstract painting but hey… who cares, I had fun doing it and the banters shared around the room by all who participated helped with networking. That day, I shared my High School Geography teacher’s cynicism with all in attendance. I had put in my best effort to draw the map of North America and this woman had squinted at the map and asked with all seriousness “Is this a yam”. The class had erupted in laughter and though initially pained, I later found humour in her comment.

As I left Lase, I realised that too often, we ladies get too involved with caring for parents, husbands, children, and a host of others, that we barely have time for ourselves. We fail to enjoy the simple things  of life. The lines of W. H. Davies in his poem entitled LEISURE kept creeping into my mind. “What is this life if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare…A poor life this is if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare.” We do not take time out to breathe and enjoy nature – The beaches, the countryside, our tourist attractions, live shows, and newer leisure activities like ceramic/pottery painting and other art-related activities, karaoke and other musical activities, sporting activities, etc. The benefits of leisure are enormous, especially in a world so full of stress. We tend to forget that life is fleeting, and the reality comes home when I translate the years to days. 100 hundred years is merely 36500 days! How many of us have the grace to live for a hundred years? May the Lord help us to apply wisdom.

From experience, a little self-care or self-indulgence enables you to cope better with stress, you decompress to better prepare you for subsequent stressors.

Let us learn to take those little breaks, vacations, and trips and generally live life, life does not have to be one of drudgery.

Love

Havilah

The global economy and security are in a state of flux, thereby engendering human migration more than ever before. This is more so for the younger and middle-aged population, searching for an improved quality of life. As I ruminate over this trend, I realise that this sometimes forms the motive for some marriages and not necessarily love.

Take the case of Tamara, a pretty, articulate, and amiable young lady who at about the age of 28, met an equally attractive, independent, and successful young man, Bolarinwa, in a chat room online. The attraction was mutual and electric and in a span of six months, Bolarinwa had invited Tamara over to visit him at his base in Amsterdam. Tamara loved it there and had started scheming on the easiest way to consolidate the relationship especially since back in her home country, she was barely coping with the challenges. During the visit, she became pregnant and Bolarinwa was over the moon about it. He was obviously in love with Tamara and grateful to God for meeting “the love of his life”. This was so important to him especially since at 39, he was under tremendous pressure from family and friends to as they put it “settle down”. After all, he had a comfortable job and was thriving in Amsterdam. He also knew that once he got married, both wife and child would be entitled to live and work in Amsterdam. Life was good. He extended her stay to enable her to deliver the baby in Amsterdam, thus enabling the baby the benefit of citizenship. Afterwards, they all undertook the journey back home to tie the knot and it looked like a divinely ordered affair.

Trouble however started shortly after their return to Amsterdam as Tamara seemed to have undergone a 180-degree turnaround. She became rude, arrogant, and uncouth. The home became a battlefield where scathing remarks were exchanged and hurt feelings were ignored. In spite of Bolarinwa’s entreaties to work on the relationship and possibly seek counsel, Tamara decided to walk away with two-year-old Bimbo. Soon after, she married a Dutchman. A devastated Bolarinwa, too late, remembered the warnings of Andrew (his bosom friend). When he had broached the idea of his intention to marry Tamara, Andrew had warned “Bro, look before you leap! The Latin term Caveat Emptor is not only applicable to business deals. These days, you must assess or ascertain the motive of any potential partner. Is their motive borne out of genuine interest or is it seen as a means to an end?”

It is important to note here that not all marriages contracted with diasporans are based on a premise of deception or manipulation. However, emphasis is placed on reading between the lines and assessing the relationship with clear eyes and not rose-tinted glasses. May the Lord grant us the spirit of discernment. It is also worthy of mention here that the roles are reversible, it is not gender-based.

Love

Havilah

In times gone by it was commonplace for women to express concern when their husbands or fiancés had to visit the Southeastern part of Nigeria for protracted stays. Reason? Fear of losing such men to ladies from the area. It was believed by men and women alike that women from the region knew what it took to please a man and keep a man. This belief could be traced to the “Fattening Room” concept. The popular belief was that the Efiks, Ibibios, and Kalabari ladies were sent to the fattening rooms to flesh them up in preparation for marriage, a formal pre-marriage routine. However, the fattening room offered a lot more training for the prospective bride as it embraced five more key components of marriage. These are:

1. Grooming and beauty care.
2. Culinary expertise.
3. Respect, patience, and courtesy.
4. Financial management
5. Pleasurable techniques

This became etched in the subconscious of ladies from the region and was passed on from generation to generation. They became recognised for making good wives. However, this did not prevent women from other regions from the capacity to make good wives provided they were (albeit informally) frequently counseled and mentored by their mothers and other elderly members of the family on expectations from marriage. However, what better method of learning than emulation? Consequently, where a mother’s instruction or advice runs contrary to her example or practice, the resultant effect is confusion in the daughter’s mind. As the proverb goes, “example is better than precept” so the daughter is more likely to follow the example rather than the advice. This does not preclude counseling from clerics, but such counsel is usually perceived as doctrinal and short-lived, spanning 4-12 sessions of about an hour each…considered inadequate.

In recent times, mothers appear too busy to provide appropriate counseling, and often the children have had to live away from home for protracted periods prior to marriage. It therefore means greater reliance is placed on the examples they observed while growing up at home. It is therefore important for mothers and guardians, to mentor their children and wards with good examples of how marriage should be handled. Parents need to pay attention to what happens at home, to assist their children in building successful homes. Let us learn from Oremi’s counsel below:

Oluta rang the bell of her girlfriend’s house and shifted impatiently until Oremi opened the door. Omitting the usual pleasantries, she hastened into the living room asking, “Ah ah, Oremi, what took you so long to attend to the door?” In the same breath, she continued…” honestly, I have had it up to my neck with Obu. He is such a spoilt brat throwing unnecessary tantrums. Can you imagine, he refuses to eat when he is upset, and when he storms out angry and I do not have food ready for him because I assume he will not eat it, he makes a fuss. He behaves like a baby and expects me to cajole him all the time. To compound matters, I believe he is now seeing someone else. Can you imagine?”

Oremi applies her soothing strategy to calm Oluta’s frayed nerves by playing some soothing music and discussing observations at the last party they attended together. That never fails to work on calming Oluta. After she observes her change in mood, she resumes the topic. Clearing her throat, she laughs “Baby girl, let me first apologise for keeping you at the door but I was getting dinner ready for Bodun and could not leave it at that point because it will not turn out the way he loves it. Oluta, you must learn to do what Obu loves and do it with love and feeling. If he wants you to cajole him into eating your food when he is angry, by all means, do so. I remember my father was like that when I was growing up and after a series of entreaties, my mother would enlist my help in cajoling him to eat. One day, I retorted…Mama, let him starve. He is not hungry that is why he is acting up. You have spoilt him!” I remember her asking me with a gentle smile, “is that what you will do to your husband”, and I replied with an unwavering, YES. Fast forward years later, I found myself doing the very same thing my mother used to do, whenever Bodun acted up, contrary to my response at the time. Somehow, her example spoke volumes and that is what I imbibed, and that is what makes for the peace and tranquility you see and appreciate today”. She continued, “So Oluta dear, it is not too late to correct your steps. Every human being, I take that back, every living thing, regardless of sex, likes to be pampered and loved. Pampering never fails to evoke recognition and appreciation. I know it will work for you as well so why not try a little pampering, you will be surprised at the fruits and benefits it brings you”.

Havilah advises that parents should be intentional about their relationships at home as this impacts the young impressionable minds placed by God under their care. May the Lord help us to do it right.

Love

Havilah

It’s Independence Month in Nigeria and I was rehashing all the hype about Nigeria’s independence. While contemplating its National Anthem, a line kept echoing in my mind, “…the labours of our heroes past shall never be in vain”. I stopped to reflect on it and then it struck me. How come it is only the male heroes that are remembered? Were there no women involved in the struggle for independence? I then decided to take a closer look at the struggle for independence in three countries of the West African sub-region and find out what I could about the “Winnie Mandela’s” of the region.

In Nigeria, we often hear about Anthony Enahoro, Ahmadu Bello, Obafemi Awolowo, and Nnamdi Azikiwe and various national monuments exist in their memory. What happened to the likes of:

Funmilayo Ransome Kuti aka “The Lioness of Lisabi”. A teacher by profession, Funmilayo Ransome Kuti was a foremost political campaigner and women’s rights activist by conviction. She successfully campaigned against arbitrary taxes levied on Egba women that were remitted to the UK government through the then Alake of Egba land and continued to champion women’s rights in the years leading to Nigeria’s independence. She was one of the first Nigerian women to form a political party and one of the delegates who negotiated Nigeria’s independence from Britain.

Hajia Gambo Sawaba was born to a Ghanaian father and a Nupe mother. Orphaned early in life she was contracted in marriage at the tender age of 13 which propelled the thrust of her early agitations. By the age of 17, she was politically active, and under the mentorship of Funmilayo Ransome Kuti, she acted as an arrowhead for women’s rights and that of the girl child in Northern Nigeria. She was a member of NEPU (Northern Elements Progressive Union) which served as a vehicle to achieve her goals.

Margaret Ekpo was born in the Southeastern part of the country and her journey into politics was fortuitous. She represented her husband at political meetings since by virtue of his employment as a civil servant, he was stopped from doing. While attending the meetings, she developed an interest in politics and formed the Aba Township Women’s Association. She was later nominated by the NCNC (National Council of Nigeria and the Cameroons) party into the Regional House of Chiefs. She worked alongside Funmilayo Ransome Kuti and was later elected into the Eastern Region Parliament and served from 1961 to 1965.

In Ghana, the big 6, namely Kwame Nkrumah, William Ofori-Attah, J.B. Danquah, Ako Adjei, Obesetbi -Lamptey, and Edward Akufo Addo, also gained full recognition. However, they were ably supported and financed by some women who have remained in the shadows. These are the likes of:

Rebecca Naa Dedei Aryeetey aka “Dedei Ashikishan”, a renowned dealer in flour and leader of the Market Mother Association. She made immense financial contributions to the cause.

Agnes Oforiwa Tago-Quarcoopome, also a trader, used her connections to raise funds for the CPP (Convention People’s Party – Kwame Nkrumah’s party).

Mabel Dove Danquah, a journalist used her pen to galvanise the fight for independence through her column in the Times of West Africa newspaper. In 1954, she was the first female member of the Ghanaian Legislative Assembly.

Susanna Al-Hassan was the first female member of parliament. An author and politician, her fearless activism during the colonial era was instrumental to her elevation in politics.

In Sierra Leone, while the likes of the Margais (Milton and Albert), Siaka-Stevens, Isaac Wallace- Johnson, Lamina Sankoh, John Karefa-Smart, and E.H Taylor Cummings, are applauded, the contributions of Ella Koblo Gulama and Constance Cummings–John remain unsung.

Ella Koblo Gulama aka “Madam Ella” was a paramount Chief of Kaiyambo chiefdom in the Moyamba district. She ventured into politics and was elected the first female member of the House of Representatives and was later appointed the first woman cabinet minister.

Constance Cummings-John on her part was leader and founder of the Sierra Leone Women’s Movement and was later appointed Mayor of Freetown.

Some other notables are Bibi Titi Mohammed in Tanzania and Field Marshall Muthoni Kirima in Kenya.

It is noteworthy that the phenomenon of non-recognition of the efforts of women towards independence transcends the continent of Africa. However, it is time for us to unearth these gems who laboured for our nations and give them the due recognition they deserve.

Love

Havilah

Recently, Elon Musk who is no stranger to controversy, has been touted on the social media waves again and this time it is posts of him in amorous embraces kissing “Robot wives”. The claim is that he is rounding up the production of emotionally intelligent female robots that could easily fit into the functions of a wife, giving men the companionship, communication, and emotional and physical satisfaction they would derive from a girlfriend or wife. Much as we know that this propaganda is AI (Artificial Intelligence) generated, it has stimulated my thoughts on the future of AI especially as relates to women and our roles.

It is expected that robots will play a more significant role in the workforce of the future. This of course portends the loss of certain cadres of jobs and with AI, the jobs that will be readily affected are jobs that tend to be repetitive in nature where statistical data can be programmed e.g., customer service, nursing, and teaching dynamics. These job roles will have to evolve. This could affect women who will be required to proactively anticipate changes and prepare for them. There will be a need for greater participation in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics) education as well as being involved in the digital space.

How about women and marriage did I hear you ask? Well, my research pulled up the first “Robot marriage” as one held in 1917 in China between Zheng Jiajia and the robot he created and named Jingjing. Zheng’s purported marriage arose from frustrations at his inability to find a wife. While the robot he created could neither walk nor communicate fluently, it was a start. With advancements in AI, we have voice assistants that communicate clearly like Siri (the Apple platform) and Alexa (Amazon), and much more intelligent humanoid robots like Sophia and Grace who mimic human expressions and social behaviour. It is believed that what may today be viewed as SCI -FI i.e., an AI Robot wife with real skin/human shape/female mimicking love emotions and catering to the physical, emotional, and relationship needs of men, will in no distant future be our reality. It seems even more feasible because such a creation would eliminate some of the existing challenges that relationships and marriages face such as difficult or unpleasant relationships, the menace of sexually transmitted diseases, emotional and psychological attachments, trauma from abuse or cheating, cost of maintaining a wife/girlfriend (dates, gifts, etc.) and the AI robot wife would be adept at good housekeeping, cooking meals, doing laundry, shopping carrying out conversations and communication, etc. That all sounds bleak, but I know that the only constant thing is change. It therefore behooves women to be a step ahead in fashioning out other creative roles, the same way the workforce must figure out its existence side by side with these humanoids.

Just imagine what AI in the hands of persons with mischievous intentions can do to a relationship using the Elon Musk example. May the Lord help us.

Undoubtedly, one function that will not be ceded to them is procreation and until science and technology can figure that out (if they ever do) motherhood remains the prerogative of the woman.  One thing stands out clearly, we must remain relevant to our evolving world and to do so, we must remain creative and proactive.  Is there the possibility of some form of polygamy involving the humanoid or the employment of the humanoid as an” assistant wife of sorts” in the home?

My parting thoughts are… Of a certainty, the advent of AI, which is our reality, deserves food for thought!

Love

Havilah

Lena, a quiet, shy 19-year-old gained admission into the university a couple of years ago. Lena is the only child from a union between her late mother and her father – Chief Lukas. The Chief, an influential and extremely wealthy businessman had vouched not to remarry after Lena’s mother passed and spared no expense at giving her the best.

Shortly after her admission to the university, Lena was invited to a party off-campus by some of her coursemates where she met a tall, extremely good-looking, and witty young man in the person of David. Lena was swayed by the attention she received from this suave young man, and he introduced her to a substance which he termed “angel dust”. Little did Lena realise that angel dust was another name for a hallucinogenic hard drug known as phencyclidine hydrochloride. The effect on her was euphoric. It made her feel less inhibited and bold which she liked. After that, her friendship with David blossomed and he was always willing to provide her with her “angel dust”. During the course of this friendship, Lena learnt from David that her father – Chief Lukas, was a drug baron and one of the major smugglers and distributors of mind-altering substances in that city. He then solicited her assistance in obtaining the purest form of different drugs which he both distributed and used. The range spanned Colorado, Angel Dust, Canadian Loud and Arizona. At first, Lena was shocked to discover her father’s involvement in drugs, but she quickly saw the opportunity for easy access as well as ensuring David’s interest in her. She quickly struck a deal with her father’s Personal Assistant for supplies while extracting his promise not to divulge the information to her father.

Fast forward, two years later, one day, while rummaging through her father’s room searching for a stash of drugs, she came across a file that detailed his financial worth in terms of investments. As the sole heiress to the Lukas fortunes the figures were mind-boggling and Lena started imagining the lifestyle she could live with that kind of fortune. Firstly, she would drop out of school which she now considered a bore and worse still, she had been struggling with school as her grades were fast deteriorating. She discussed it with David, and they hatched a plot to murder Chief Lukas so that she could immediately inherit the fortune and get married to David who was now in his final year. On the appointed day, the plot failed as they had not reckoned with Chief Lukas wearing a bulletproof vest under his pyjamas. At about 2 a.m. that fateful day, David stormed the home of Chief Lukas with two of his cohorts and after gaining entry courtesy of Lena, he took two shots at Chief Lukas who was asleep on his bed. The Chief who woke up amid the attempt, pretended to have been hit and awaited the exit of the marauders before inviting the police.

After protracted investigations by the police, it was revealed that the culprits were his only child – Lena and her lover, David. When questioned as to her motive, Lena broke down in tears, muttering…” We planned it so that I do not have to wait till he passes to inherit my fortune, and this was done between bouts of angel dust and Arizona. We were both high!” she giggled. Even under interrogation, she requested some angel dust and Colorado as she was unable to function without the drugs. She had become addicted.

It was now the turn of Chief Lukas to collapse in tears, as he realised the impact of his trade. Shaking his head miserably he repeated to himself “Indeed what goes around comes around and there is some truth that when you do evil, nemesis eventually catches up with you”. He now saw clearly how “his thriving business” had severely impacted negatively and truncated lives. As he was being led to the police station, he replayed his entire life in his mind and regretted so many things. His dear wife (Lena’s mother) had died while transporting drugs for him in the early years and the guilt had led to him dedicating his entire life to giving Lena everything she desired.  He promised to repent and seek forgiveness from God while giving up the trade. He would also donate generously to rehabilitation centres, including the one he would have to send Lena to. He whispered gently…” Please forgive me God and help me.”

Havilah believes that the rate of drug abuse, which is a worldwide phenomenon, is rather disturbing and portends a worrisome situation for future generations. The liberalisation and legalisation of drugs by various governments require in-depth consideration of the pros and cons as the impact of drug abuse on society in general cannot be ignored. We are tending towards an increasingly erratic workforce with severe mental issues. I believe Drug barons and pushers should receive maximum non-fine penalties for their crimes against humanity and that their investments and monies be confiscated and donated to rehabilitation centres.

Also, parents need to spend quality time with their children. it is only then that they can catch or notice changes in their character.

Love

Havilah

I went on my usual inspirational walk a couple of days back and the idea of this topic kept reverberating in my brain, so here we are.

I recently received a post on social media, delivered to me through several platforms and persons which I will share here. My initial reaction was to ignore it but my mind wouldn’t let go. It is the story of an ex-military Nigerian male who committed suicide after killing his wife in the USA. The story, as told, is that the man was thriving in Nigeria but decided to send his family (wife and four children) to the U.S.A. in pursuit of a better life. He set up the wife in a Hairdressing business in the USA while he visited them intermittently. He eventually decided to relocate and join his family but unfortunately, things were not rosy for him there and the wife was much more affluent, she had become the breadwinner of the family. She started maltreating him and eventually moved to another house with the children. She then informed him that she had sold the house in which they previously lived, and he had a short time to look for an apartment to rent otherwise he would be evicted by the new owner. Worse still, he discovered she had a new lover. It was too much for him, he shot her and then himself. Very unfortunate and truly sad. The Bard (storyteller) continues with his conclusion that women are innately evil. They cannot be taken for who they present themselves to be. I however wonder whether the initiator of the post classifies his mother and close female relations in this same box.

Anyway, I put on my analytical spotlight on this expose and gleaning from my exposure to various circumstances at home and abroad, certain questions and possible scenarios come to mind. Unfortunately, the principal parties in the story are both late and there is no one to obtain the truth from. The questions that befuddle my mind are set out below:

1. How easy is it for a woman with four children to struggle alone with the children and survive in a start-up Hairdressing business in the USA? For one, with the exchange rate of the dollar to naira, it would have been difficult for the man to take care of all the family’s expenses in the USA on a naira income. Also, depending on the age of the children, she may have needed a caregiver to take charge while she worked to make up for the shortfall. She probably had to struggle quite a bit to make things work out prior to the business picking up.
2. During those tough days, what level of support did her husband give? Was there physical and/or emotional abuse experienced?
3. What kind of lifestyle was the husband living in Nigeria prior to joining the family? We know that most African men find it difficult to keep their pants zipped. Were there issues of infidelity? If yes, how was it handled?
4. It may have been frustrating for him to find himself in a position where his wife was more affluent. How did this affect his disposition toward her, and did she understand his frustrations and try to placate him, or did she flaunt her financial muscle?
5. Did she observe increasing hostility and violence thus instigating the decision to move away from him?
6. Did he consider the effect of leaving his children orphaned and how it would impact them? Obviously, this was a crime of passion, and it is always important to take a breather before acting on matters of the heart.

Honestly, I don’t have answers to the questions raised but I would always advise that families weather their storms together, especially young families. A situation where they separate for long periods, ostensibly to better their situation is usually counterproductive as there is a tendency to grow apart over the years. There is no way you can appreciate what each party is experiencing without being there and the separation usually results in schisms that are difficult to resolve.

I would like to conclude by saying that while there are persons who can seem inherently wicked, this is not restricted to a particular sex or race, most often, things are not always what they seem, and one should leave room for the benefit of the doubt before drawing conclusions. Social media is rife with malinformation, and it takes a discerning mind to surf it.

Love

Havilah

I was opportune to be in a gathering of young upwardly mobile professional ladies when I had an uproar from a far corner of the room. Some ladies had just chorused “Let the single breathe o” amid gales of laughter. The target of the banter was a lady named Busayo who recently engaged, was flaunting her dazzling ring to the admiration of her friends. I approached the group and congratulated the excited Busayo, then beckoned on the three most vocal members of the group for a discussion.

“Hi ladies” I started hesitantly. “It appears you ladies were obviously enjoying the banter, but please pardon my curiosity, are you beautiful young ladies single and if yes, would you mind sharing your reasons?”

Ogechi – tall, slim, and elegantly poised, was the first to respond. She could easily have won a beauty contest. “Aunty, for me, I am tired of the young men I come across. I am 36 going on 37 and over the years I have reached the conclusion that most lack the confidence and composure to connect with me. They do not measure up to standard particularly as relates to my core values of honesty and integrity which I consider to be of extreme importance in a relationship. They appear intimidated by my credentials and successful career. After 2 or 3 dates, they chicken out and worse still they lack the confidence to face me and tell me outright that they are no longer interested. This irritates me as I make it a duty to inform them from the outset that I am not dating for fun but rather, have my focus on marriage. Unfortunately, I am not ready to reduce my standards.”

Aduke cuts in “My personal belief is that marriage works out for only a few. There are too many failed marriages around me for me to desire marriage, my parents not being an exception. Many are experiencing toxic relationships and are constantly at each other’s throats. The atmosphere around them is so charged that you could get bruises by being around them. Then, there are several of our peers who rushed into marriage with euphoria and enthusiasm but have since exited. Marriage appears overrated and doesn’t appear to be what it was cut out to be in the first instance. As for me, my heart is fragile, it has been once broken, having gathered the fragments, I cannot afford another heartbreak. It will shatter me. I am guarding my heart jealously.” She laughs.

During the tirade, Murna remained pensively quiet but felt it was now time to break the silence. In a quiet but deliberate manner, she explained. “For some inexplicable reason, I have never been approached in that regard. Don’t get me wrong, I have male friends but purely on a platonic level. But then, our society considers it out of place for a woman to initiate the move. I have liked a couple of my friends enough to progress the relationship but do not understand how to migrate the friend zone and move to the next level.”

Having listened attentively to their experiences and concerns I tried to enlighten them on the institution of marriage as a desirable and enjoyable thing without downplaying the challenges. The pros certainly outweigh the cons and staying in a marriage builds maturity and a better understanding of human weaknesses. I believe it is every woman’s innate desire to settle in marriage and build a family but there are several mitigating factors including mistrust, misconceptions, the fear of hurt, negative experiences, etc. I believe parents, religious bodies, and marriage counselors have a responsibility to project the right image of marriage – how it is intended. As parents, we should realise that our own marriages are the first lens through which our children and their peers view marriage. Our marriage forms the base template so we must be mindful about what we project through our relationships. The religious bodies and counselors also have a responsibility to educate and enlighten singles regarding the expectations, challenges and navigation methods required for a successful marriage, highlighting the benefits. This should be arranged periodically for teenagers and young adults.

Last but not least, I am of the opinion that like in Murna’s situation, ladies should be encouraged to subtly drop a hint or engage a mutual friend to introduce the subject to a man to which she is attracted. He may be feeling inadequate, afraid of a “No” or just not communicating his intentions properly.

We all have a responsibility to the next generation to keep the institution of marriage alive. It is a good thing as ordained by God.

Love

Havilah