Did I hear the cliché, children are a gift from God? This implies that children are God given gifts whether solicited or not. When we consider that even earthly fathers will not give their children hurtful gifts, we better understand that God given gifts must edify him. If we also consider the fact that gifts are expected to be desirable items worth cherishing, it follows that every child is expected to be a desirable gift worth cherishing. This is the reason why births are celebrated from baby showers to child dedications and birthdays etc. However, let us take time to ponder, is every child a good gift? Hmmm…

Take the case of twin sisters – Toru and Tete. Both after marriage, gave birth to their fist fruits Benebo and Okafor, within a month of each other. The two cousins were inseparable attending the same playgroup, church, and family events until Tete moved to another city with her family. Benebo displayed qualities that endeared him to all that encountered him. He was the “perfect child” – well mannered, cultured, obedient and intelligent. He excelled in academics and represented his primary school at various fora. In fact, he could be described as a diamond – priceless and flawless. He readily gained admission to high school and finished in flying colours gaining admission to several Ivy league schools.

Okafor on the other hand, soon fell into bad company and under the influence of peer pressure, developed to be the opposite of his cousin. He never seemed to get things right, became ill mannered and ill tempered, insolent, rude and a truant. He resented school and all forms of discipline, and this quickly reflected on his grades. Tete (his mother) tried all the tricks in the book to raise him right and had even solicited the assistance of her twin, but all her efforts proved futile as Okafor remained unyielding and recalcitrant. Worse still, he latched on to a circle of friends who encouraged his bad behaviour. Worst among them was Muritala, his closest pal, who was a terrible influence. All attempts by Tete to break up their unholy alliance failed.

One day, Tete was invited to a program tagged “Handling children – The good, the bad and the ugly” and after the first segment, she quickly approached the convener and poured out her concerns regarding Okafor and his behaviour. She went on to explain that Okafor who had started school with his cousin, had because of his attitude and peer pressure, fallen behind Benebo by three classes. She wept bitterly as she told his story. She was referred to a counsellor who explained to her the following: “Madam, every child is a PRECIOUS GIFT FROM GOD. As you probably know, a gift is often unsolicited so its contents are often unknown to the recipient until the wrappings are dislodged and the contents exposed. The gift may have immediate appeal or may be something that requires to be deliberated and properly unearthed to appreciate its value. Some children, like cultured diamonds, glow and shine easily, reflecting the right values and mentoring imbibed by them. Others, however, require hewing, pruning, shaping, and polishing to enable them to exhibit their true value which is deeply embedded within. This takes effort in the place of prayers, patient mentoring, understanding and never giving up. In the end it pays as the true diamond hidden under the roughness which could have easily passed as common stone, is unearthed”.

Tete took in all she learned at the counselling sessions and put them to practice. She still benchmarked her son against Benebo, nevertheless she encouraged her son and showered him with Love and encomiums for perceived improvements, however minor. She prayed for him incessantly, guiding his path to success. All the hard work paid off when Okafor aced his High School leaving examinations with distinctions in all his subjects, receiving several awards and scholarships for his college education. In addition, Okafor had metamorphosed into “the ideal son” – God fearing, smart, and civil. He was now a well mannered, focused young man. As he steps into college, he reaches out to his old pal Muritala. Although his previous attempts to convert Muritala had been rebuffed, he refuses to give up and is hopeful of succeeding one day. He is however most appreciative of his mother who took the pains to unravel this rough stone in order to reveal the diamond within.

Love

Havilah

The adage that “a mother’s job is never done” is so true. From sorting out the household to mentoring and praying for the children and after them, the grandchildren – both biological and non-biological. Mothers’ prayers cover educational and career-related success, good health, protection, deliverance, childbirth and many more and she continues praying until she is called to the grave.

Three mothers were visiting their children at a Rehabilitation centre run by a religious body when they observed a woman sobbing uncontrollably as her daughter walked away from her back to her room. Attempts to comfort her fell on deaf ears as she kept repeating the question “Where did I go wrong?” The three women then shepherded her to one of the meeting rooms and engaged in the following heart-to-heart discussion.

Pauline, a sophisticated, super Executive in a Multinational corporation, kickstarted the conversation with her story. “My 16-year-old son is also here. I am a divorcee with an amazing job in terms of compensation and exposure. Over the years, I felt a compulsion to prove to my ex-husband that he was dispensable and that Dedan (my son) and I, were better off without him. I worked hard and excelled in my career but…it was all at a cost. I had little time for Dedan, but he had the very best of what money could buy. As an only child, I spoilt him rotten. Anything he desired he got, but little did I know that he had latched on to a habit of doing drugs and that the lavish lifestyle helped him fund the habit. I did not notice the changes in his personality because I was ever so busy and hardly spent time with him. One day, I was at a meeting when I received an urgent call from my steward at home who noticed that Dedan had passed out in the living room. He was rushed to the hospital where I received a rude shock – he had overdosed on substance abuse (hard drugs). I was not only shocked but also disappointed. I blamed myself. The thoughts that raced through my mind were – I am a bad mother; if only I had spent more time with him, he would not have done drugs. The hospital recommended this rehabilitation center and I have since learnt that while my seeming neglect may have contributed, there were other extenuating factors like the availability and easy accessibility of the drugs as well as peer pressure.”

Mama Hauwa then interjected. “In my case, I have remained a stay-at-home parent since marriage and monitor all my children to ensure they do not go wrong. This has earned me the nickname “monitoring spirit.” In fact, I am the proverbial mother hen ever protective of the children and keeping a strict watch over them. Little did I know that my daughter – Hauwa had successfully hidden her drinking habit from me until two years into her marriage, her husband sent her packing for being an “addicted alcoholic.” Just imagine the shame! Imagine that Pauline spent little or no time while I spent all the time. How do you explain it?”

At this point, Mama Curtis cuts in, shaking her head slowly she states philosophically “While moderation in everything is profitable, we must reckon with the God factor in raising our children. They are his children, and we are mere earthly guardians who have been gifted with them to raise and mentor. We need to seek his help in raising them to be what he desires them to be. On my part, I was a stay-at-home mom until my youngest, Tseye, turned ten. Thereafter, I resumed work, and all was well until Tseye while representing his high school at a sports meet, got injured playing football. The pain from the injury was excruciating and a certain drug was prescribed to ease the pain. Little did we realise it was an opioid with addictive qualities. Before we knew it, Tseye became addicted to the drug which brought about behavioral changes and attempts to stop its use resulted in severe withdrawal symptoms. I understand the pharmaceutical company responsible faced serious lawsuits in the USA and has since filed for bankruptcy. We are however, left to deal with the consequences. I have therefore reached the conclusion that there is no manual for raising children. As mothers in whatever position, we find ourselves let us do our best for them but most importantly, we must cover them with our prayers for them to be successful in life. We must also teach them the way of the Lord so that they can do the same for their children. In fact, our prayers should commence even before they are conceived, asking God to make them trainable and obedient children.”

After listening to the words of wisdom from all three women, the distressed mother brightened up and exchanged phone numbers with all three of them with a promise to stay connected.

Love

Havilah

This piece talks about the saga of a bereaved mother and serves as a tribute to all the women out there who have suffered the loss of a child regardless of the circumstance. Losing a loved one, regardless of whether it is a parent, partner, sibling, or friend, can be painful but none compares with the loss of a child. Consolation must come from drawing on the recesses of inner strength fashioned by a firm conviction in God’s faithfulness.

It’s been five solid years since Soba lost her only child Bolade to a senseless death occasioned by a stray bullet from those expected to protect lives – the police and today she is commiserating with a family who lost their breadwinner in similar circumstances. The death of Bolade had marked a turning point in her life and had birthed her current occupation – an NGO whose objective is to deliver justice and succour to families who have been victims of senseless killings through armed violence and conflicts as well as the brutality of Government agencies.

Bolade, her only child and a promising young surgeon at the age of 27, was returning at about 2 am from his stint at the hospital where he had been called to attend to an emergency when he was caught in a crossfire between the police and some armed cultists. Before he could say “Jack Robinson” a bullet had pierced through his side glass and lodged in his brain. He lost control and the car careened into a ditch beside the road. He was left unattended, either unnoticed or ignored and it was not until the early workers heading to their offices caught sight of his car around 6 am that help came. By then, he was dead and the unsuspecting mother – Soba, was contacted. She had no premonition especially since his duration at the hospital was largely dependent on the complexity of each case. She shudders as she relives her emotions on that day and the subsequent days that followed.

She remembers, the call to inform her there had been an accident involving Bolade and that he had been moved to a morgue. Her benumbed mind had been too shocked to process the news, so she had called her sister – Toru, who drove over to identify the corpse and took charge of everything else. She was in shock for weeks and kept thinking…” This must be a bad dream, a nightmare from which I will awaken to see Bolade’s goofy smile and feel his strong arms around me to shield and protect me”. Bolade always reminded her of his father – Goke, who had left her for another woman because as he put it – he needed more children. Unfortunately, Bolade’s birth had been both complicated and traumatic and the doctors had advised that she tie her tubes. Tears rolled down uncontrollably as she reminisced about his childhood. He had been a gifted child, brilliant at school and talented at sports. She remembered the ball games, prize-giving awards, and many medals received. She felt so alone and lacked the willpower to live. The weeks that followed his demise were the hardest she had experienced in her lifetime and though she had frequently had “well-wishers/sympathisers” in the first two weeks, the numbers had gradually dwindled in the subsequent weeks till she was left with those she now considered her core friends, her support circle – Toru, Magda, and Halima.

She classified the well-wishers into 3 categories:

1. Those who had visited from a sense of compunction – “it was the “right thing” to do.
2. Those who came to confirm and experience her sorrow firsthand while sneering behind her back. Some had even complained that she had lavished too much love on Bolade while some blamed that as the cause for the breakdown of her marriage…Hmm…the heart of man!
3. Then, there were those who genuinely felt her loss, commiserated with her, and found ways to lessen the pain in prayers, words, works, engagement, etc. To this third group, she remains eternally grateful.

Soba brings her thoughts back to the present situation and can understand the pain surging through the mother of this latest victim particularly as she stares into the faces of her late son’s colleagues and friends. She has been there, and she knows this kind of pain never goes away even though it dulls over time as a result of activity and a strong reliance on God, which are the panacea for all pain.

Once again, Havilah raises a toast to all the strong mothers out there who have at some time, or another experienced such pain.

Love

Havilah

“Navigating Widowhood” a Non-Governmental Organisation (NGO) started by three who share the common status of widowhood and have a passion to assist other widows’ transit into living comfortably and fulfilled lives recently held a fundraiser to assist with its Widow Empowerment Program and launched an endowment fund to conduct its charitable objectives. The NGO seeks to address the various challenges common to widows regardless of age, background, and circumstances. Issues addressed vary from accommodation to finances and include inheritance, companionship, cultural apathy, discrimination, and social stigma, among others. This passion to assist other widows is borne out of their experiences which prepared them for this task.

Ausi, now in her late fifties became widowed at the tender age of twenty-one, while a student teacher, pregnant with her first child. Gbenro, her husband and father of the unborn child was involved in a fatal car accident while returning from an official trip on behalf of his office. It was a harrowing experience for the young lady especially since her in-laws proved hostile and threw her out of the flat where they lived, the very next day. Even after the delivery of their son, the in-laws refused to have anything to do with her or the child. In her despondency, she readily jumped at the proposal of her next suitor to be a second wife. The prospect of having someone placing a roof over her head and food on her table was too good to be ignored as well as the satisfaction of her craving for companionship and leadership. The alternative would have been to return to her parents in the village and she could only envisage a bleak future otherwise. However, this decision brought its own peculiar challenges which formed the basis of her experience:

1. She had found for herself an enemy in wife No. 1 who hounded her at every possible opportunity and often appeared at her school to embarrass her, especially when their husband passed the night at her place.
2. Her new husband treated his children had by her very differently from her first child. He discriminated in favour of his two children causing inequity and disaffection among the siblings.

Consequently, Ausi had to consolidate her position by upping her game. She was privileged to have her second husband establish a school for her which she ran creditably well, enabling all three children to have an even playing field in terms of education and privileges. As time progressed, she also parted ways with him, urging him to return to his first wife.

Adun on her part had lost her husband in her mid-forties some ten years ago. By then, the children were through with school and able to withstand external aggression, particularly from her in-laws. Consequently, she was not in dire need of a husband or benefactor especially as she was financially independent and capable of living comfortably. The assets acquired during her marriage were jointly owned and had devolved on her at his demise. She also ensured that she was fully occupied with several NGOs and various church-related activities. She was socially active.

Lucinda, the oldest of the three, recently lost her husband at over sixty. Having depended on her husband since getting married, she had felt inconsolable and lost at his passing. She craved his companionship and provision but was glad for a family support system she could rely on – her children, both biological and non-biological, for financial support and provision, and her grandchildren for companionship. She lived with her eldest daughter and gladly took care of her children and those of her siblings that were dropped with her to care for.

These three women, therefore, determined in their hearts to run a widow’s support group that holds periodic workshops and funds widow’s emancipation programs where widows are given advice on a personal basis, taught various skills, and given grants to commence viable businesses based on the objective assessment of their feasibility studies. The group also gives widows the opportunity to network through social interactions and engagements as well as interface spiritually praying for one another.

There is no gainsaying the importance of widow support groups in society, whether established by Government, religious bodies, or individuals/NGOs as the vulnerability of widows in society cannot be ignored.

Love

Havilah 

Wealth creation refers to building wealth through diverse methods (which involve a variety of products) with the intention of receiving higher returns on investments. People often associate wealth with a certain class of people. It is seen as unattainable, belonging only to the bourgeoisie who are perceived as materialistic in outlook. Today, however, the Women’s Union of St. Mary’s Catholic Church has put together a seminar on the topic and three particularly active members of the union are in attendance.

Moira is involved in e-commerce. During the COVID-19 pandemic, she recognised an opportunity around the delivery of raw food items and provisions to households. The restrictions placed on movement and particularly the avoidance of crowded areas threw up a need for households to receive food items with minimum exposure to the virus. The convenience she provides has afforded her loyal customers and increased patronage from referrals. She gladly informs all who inquire that the success of the business is built on four pillars – an alignment with God’s will for her, passion for what she does, taking advantage of the opportunity when it arose and painstakingly keeping at it. She makes comfortable returns from it for the sustenance of the family but is eager to improve her finances.

Bambi, a top-notch banker is also attentive as to how to maximise returns. In recent times, the family has depended increasingly on her income as the children gain admission to higher institutions of learning and she is worried about the inflationary trend in the country which has hit double digits. She recently started a” side hustle” exporting African wear to the UK and this is giving her some returns in foreign exchange. Her mother often chastises her, insisting that wealth creation is the responsibility of men and not of women. She is therefore keen on understanding her role, especially from a Christian perspective.

Pattie is a stay-at-home spouse turned Hairdresser with a thriving salon in the city. She is currently considering opening a branch in an upscale part of the town. She observed that since starting the business she continues to make valuable contributions to the family’s resources which has earned her the respect of her husband and other members of their extended family. She is therefore keen on maximising returns, especially in the face of the crippling economic conditions in the country.

The Speaker’s opening remarks were “In these globally ever-challenging times, it is more important than ever before that women guard their finances to enable the financial stability of both her family and herself. In order to do so, whether as a professional or in business, she must hone her survival skills and her ability to create and sustain wealth.” She defined wealth as “An abundance of valuable possessions, material prosperity or a plentiful supply of a particular resource. It therefore follows that wealth is not limited to money but spans assets e.g. real estate, businesses, gold, stock, etc.”

She continued – “Is it wrong to desire wealth? Deuteronomy 8:18 the Bible informs us that God gives us the ability to create wealth. So, it is a God-given ability and there is therefore nothing wrong with it. The parable of the ten talents in Matthew further establishes that God expects us to utilise our God-given talents by expanding and increasing them.

So, what is the place of the woman in this? In Genesis 2:18, Eve was created to be a helpmate (helper) to Adam. It follows therefore that women are expected to assist their husbands in all things including their finances. Proverbs 31 – further extols the virtues of a hardworking woman who generates income from trade and invests such income, verse 16 states that “she buys a field from her earnings and plants a vineyard.” She is referred to as virtuous. In addition, the Bible in Acts16:13-15 mentions Lydia, a successful businesswoman dealing in expensive clothing. Her industry was celebrated.

Today, most women can earn an income or profit from some form of business, trade etc. However, to assist, especially in inflationary economies, against value erosion, there are three things a woman must be intentional about.

1. SAVE: To achieve this you must be focused on prioritising items of expenditure and cutting off frivolities. Focus on needs not wants.
2. INVEST what is saved: There are different Instruments roughly categorised into Capital Market, Money market, Hybrid, Foreign currency, Bitcoin, Real Estate, ETFs, REITs, Insurance schemes etc.
3. GIVE: The Bible promises in Luke that if you give you will receive in multiples. This principle works. As you give intentionally to the propagation of God’s word and as you assist others in need, you will receive favour, health, finances, wealth etc. Your giving need not be monetary to enable you to be blessed.

The seminar ended with a declaration…” When others say there is a casting down, your testimony shall be a lifting up in accordance with Job 22:29”.

Love

Havilah

P.S. It is advised that you get professional advice from an Investment Adviser on the best instruments that fit your risk appetite and pocket.

Nancy calls up her friend Billie, distraught, as she seeks answers on how to manage a tricky situation involving her only child – Meme. Meme (her son) was the result of an adulterous affair she had with a Minister of State while she was at the University. It had been an unanticipated pregnancy and Nancy had insisted on keeping it despite the father’s adamant rejection. Musa (Meme’s father) had negated the idea of keeping the child as he could not afford a scandal that could jeopardise both his career and his home. He was however coerced into caring for the child although under a very secretive arrangement whereby his identity would never be disclosed. Thus, he became a “phantom father” to Meme, who lacked nothing other than the presence and relationship of a father. This was more so since Nancy, had never married but rather chose to remain a single parent. Now, Meme at sixteen returned home from school and was insistent on full disclosure concerning his father. If dead, he demanded to know his father’s relatives and why he went by his grandparents’ name. He demanded clarity regarding the circumstances of his birth and Nancy was at her wits end on what answers to give.

Billie, also a single parent by virtue of her divorce with Cyril was equally confused about how to address her friend’s predicament. Her situation was different, though also fraught with its own peculiar challenges. She had agreed to a co-parenting arrangement with Cyril who had remarried and had another family. Their daughter – Bobo, therefore, alternated between her home and her father’s. This however left young Bobo confused as to processes and activities because of marked differences in the parenting styles of each home. The differences cut across wake-up time, reaction to household chores, food choices and even bedtime. For Bobo who is twelve, it is dizzying, and she prefers Cyril’s lifestyle but loves her mother greatly. Billie switches her thoughts back to her friend – Nancy, she tries to calm her down and advises that she brings it up at the next Single Mothers Forum anchored by Duro Matanbule, scheduled to hold the next Tuesday. Duro would have the answers or can reach out to her plethora of contacts that can address the challenge.

Duro herself has a story to tell. She was known to be filled with wisdom, experience, and compassion for single mothers. A single parent herself, she had been gang raped as a teenager and had given birth to her son – Feranmi. (She never desired to know the father and it took her a while to overcome the stigma attached to his birth). She however met the love of her life – Iremi – ten years later. He adopted Feranmi and they got married. Three years after the birth of their daughter – Nifemi, Iremi passed away in a ghastly motor accident, leaving Duro to continue life as a single parent. Duro’s challenges started when at Iremi’s passing, a member of his extended family informed Feranmi that he was not Iremi’s son and that he should look for his father. The peaceful home was shattered as the boy struggled with the loss of the person, he had always considered to be his father, and the new revelation communicated to him. Duro had dealt with the aftermath of the revelation and succeeded in restoring peace and understanding to her household. Billie hoped desperately, that Duro would have the answers to her friend’s predicament.

Havilah: ‘The reasons for single motherhood are as varied as the individuals involved and are based on the peculiarities of each person’s circumstances. They however share a common challenge as relates to the children- how to give them the feel of a balanced home and how to explain the absence of a father figure, whether in part or totally. Any woman who finds herself in the position of a single parent must be prepared for this challenge as it is bound to rear its head sooner or later.”

Havilah uses this medium to appreciate all who took time out to advise Telema in the Dilemma and to convey Telema’s profound appreciation for the words of advice that were expressed with candour.

In the same vein, Nancy would be truly appreciative of advice on how to manage her son – Meme’s demands. Please respond in the comments section of the blog and God bless you even as you help a sister in distress.

TERMS

CO-PARENTING is a situation in which both parents of a child undertake together to take on the care, activities, and upbringing of a child even when they are divorced, separated, or not in a relationship. Both invest equally in the well-being of the child.

Love

Havilah

As Adura ruminated over her imminent retirement, in the next nine months, she mentally ticked off her preparedness from her bucket list. A thought stole across her mind and she smiled. So many years ago, as a young lady in the university, she had a boyfriend whose preoccupation was amassing girlfriends. After careful deliberation, to stem her heartache, she got him a card that read…” ON YOUR RETIREMENT – now you will have the time to do the things you always wanted to do”. The smile that played across her lips was reminiscent of the satisfaction she had felt at the mode of disengagement. The seemingly innocuous words had spoken volumes. With a deep sigh, she brought her thoughts back to the present. She continued – Health will be covered by her Medical Insurance, Finances by her basket of investments as well as her pension and engagements as an external Facilitator to training, and Spiritual by greater participation in church-related activities and volunteer activities within her live-in community. She however realised that there would be days she would probably be homebound and being the super active person she had always been, she wondered how to fill in those days.

The twins – Deinde and Bolarinwa had since left home and though she had two adorable grandchildren, they lived in a different city. She surmised “It is time to experience the honeymoon Henry and myself never had.” She had entered the marriage six months pregnant with the twins who were pre-term babies. This had put lots of pressure on the marriage at the onset and Henry had to work doubly hard to meet up with expenses while she took care of the children and the home. This she did until the children gained admission into secondary school at which time, she needed to enter the employment market. She had worked hard and experienced divine favour in all her dealings, so it was time to retire soon. She was also thankful to God for good health and all that the Lord had blessed her with. However, their schedules had not allowed for the necessary bonding between herself and Henry. They would both have more time to spend with each other at home after her retirement. How would it play out especially as she had often ignored some of his habits, which she had considered irritating because she was too busy to make a fuss over them?

Her thoughts flitted across to her parents, who still held hands, watched programs, conversed earnestly and went out together. Their neighbours always commented when they saw them take their walks together. They ate together and short of bathing together, did practically everything else together. How did they achieve this synergy, she wondered. She then decided that if they could achieve it, she very well could and would also. She loved the peace, tranquility, and companionship they shared so she determined to be intentional about building her relationship and bonding with Henry. They would need to build on mutual interests and downplay their differences.

Suddenly she was startled by a tap on her shoulder. She turned around sharply only to come face to face with her best friend Tife. “When and how did you come in?” she asked. Tife responded with a mischievous giggle and said “It is my ghost…I can penetrate walls. On a more serious note, Henry answered the door when I rang the bell and told me you were in your dressing room. I knocked but you were so absorbed in your thoughts I guess you didn’t hear the knock. What is eating you up?”

Adura decided to share her concerns regarding her post-retirement relationship with Henry. Tife, listened attentively and after some silence, replied. “My dear sister from another mother, marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured and there is no better time than post-retirement. Indeed, now is the time for both of you to do the things you always desired to do especially since you missed out on your honeymoon. Now you have the chance to enjoy a protracted latter-day honeymoon. Adura, remember the stories you told me over the years of your career regarding irritations from co-workers, subordinates and bosses. You were able to navigate, endure and overcome the irritants, dealing with Henry’s cannot be worse. My candid advice dear sis is that you start spending time synergising and working on areas of common interest – go to the movies, do things that make you laugh, fun things. Relive your days of courtship and find that spark again. Anxiety about transiting to a new phase of life is normal but rest assured, you have a template in your parents and once you hand things over to God, he perfects it. Now, wear your shoes and let’s go and splurge on your favourite ice cream flavour! I am craving some Butter Pecan.”

Havilah wishes to remind all working women that retirement is bound to happen sometime so while concentrating on your occupation, be mindful to cultivate your relationship with your spouse because when the chips are down, in him lies respite.

Love

Havilah

It is thirty years into the marriage of Telema and Tonworigho. The seemingly happy couple got married early and experienced the usual challenges in marriage that are common to young couples. Luckily, they had their two children early – Teks and Boma – who are now working in a different city from their parents. Through the years, Tonworigho played his role as a father by providing for his family financially. All attempts by Telema to make him see the reason for bonding with his family via other fatherly or husbandly roles failed. Tonworigho took his work seriously but also took his time out with the boys and clubbing as well as other “juvenile” activities, equally seriously. Telema was often left to relate with the children. It was she who knew their daily pains and gains, friends, challenges, and successes in school as well as other extra-curricular activities. Tonworigho’s view was that his role in the family was solely that of provision.

Over the years, Telema got used to Tonworigho being the absentee husband/father and as the children grew older and less dependent on her, she progressively increased the time spent on her career and rose to the position of Vice President of the Bank at which she worked. Tonworigho on the other hand, lost his job because of his philandering activities. Since then, he had not been able to hold things together financially with his export business. Consequently, the marriage has been characterised more recently by misplaced aggression and regrets regarding lost opportunities. Telema has however been the victim of his vented frustration with increased emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Gaslighting has become the order of the day as Tonworigho tries to turn the tables of guilt on his wife.

Now, at age 52, Telema is torn between seeking a divorce and continuing to live under conditions she considers emotionally unhealthy. After all, since Tonworigho locked her out of the matrimonial home and only took her back when the children intervened, she has slept in the guest room. She continues to go through the motions of being “The perfect wife” to the outside world but she knows she is living a lie. Communication is a rarity between them and although Tonworigho keeps telling her “I love you. I can’t live without you”, she questions his understanding of love.

Upon deep reflection of the relationship, she weighs her options. If she decides to stay in the marriage, she fears for her sanity and happiness. Life has become dreary, and she begins to envisage her retirement years. She desires a happy and active life with the liberty to associate in activities and with persons that enliven her. She no longer feels anything towards Tonworigho other than a sense of responsibility and to some extent, empathy at his wasted years. However, she recalls that in the earlier years, Tonworigho had provided the necessary financial anchor. Would it be fair to leave him to his fate now? She battles with the thought of what his actions and inactions were doing to her. He had often threatened to commit suicide if she left him and Telema did not want his death on her conscience. Their relationship has gravitated into one of codependency which scares the hell out of her. She just keeps giving into the relationship while Tonworigho’s taking is draining her. What should she do? How would the children react? What will the world say? Should she get separated or go the whole hog and get divorced? What would happen to her image as a role model to younger couples? Myriads of questions assail her thoughts on the matter.

On the other hand, she muses, how long could she keep up appearances? With the current situation, she needs companionship for her golden years. Should she stick with Tonworigho purely for companionship reasons or orchestrate her freedom? After all the saying goes “The devil you know is better than the angel you do not know”. But then, what quality of companionship should she expect…they had grown apart over the years and she needs to be deliberate for it to work. Such is the dilemma facing Telema.

GLOSSARY OF TERMS

PHILANDERING – Frequently indulging in casual sexual relationships with women.

CODEPENDENCY – Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship where a person (the giver) sacrifices their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other person (the taker).

GASLIGHTING – Extended psychological manipulation

Havilah: Can we help Telema out of her dilemma? Your ideas would be most appreciated. Please place it in the comments section of the blog and God bless you as you do.

Love

Havilah

The Quads (Satu, Abby, Prisca and Sumbo) as they were fondly called met at their favorite Bistro – The Duchess for their monthly rendez- vous to let down their hair as well as let off steam. “I am so angry!” seethed Abby, as she sipped her cold lemonade. The reason for her anger? Hassan, her husband, had just put an end to her plans to travel to Mauritius with her friends on a pre-planned vacation. The painful part she explains is that “I carried him along on the plans regarding the vacation right from the outset, but he waited until today to thwart it with his instruction that I go NOWHERE and if I dare disobey, I do not return to our home. Can you imagine after I have expended my hard-earned savings on the return ticket, hotel accommodation and event bookings for which I may not be fully refunded? I was so looking forward to this vacation with you girls, “she pouted. “He knows I have always wanted to explore Mauritius; traveling is not his thing but it is mine”.

Abby responds with “Men are such killjoys. My pain with Ropo is his insensitivity to my pressures. I work so hard and then I get home and it is all work, work, work while he puts his legs up watching the sports channel on TV all evening and all weekend. He never gives a helping hand. It can be so frustrating and overwhelming coping with everything including the children, alone. I felt so frustrated the other day that I actually referred to him as a selfish and unthinking piece of furniture who viewed me as a slave.”

“My God” Prisca cut in “Whoa…that was too caustic Abby! You really need to watch your mouth girl and control your temper. Possibly, a gentler approach could achieve the desired result of engendering his assistance.”

Sumbo, the most mature of the quads sighed and rounded up the conversation with a refreshing perspective on the topic. “Marriage (she said) is a game changer that involves the unification of two individuals from divergent backgrounds orientations and experiences, often sporting different personality traits. Both parties, to enable the marriage to work, make sacrifices and put effort into understanding one another and ask God for the grace to “master self and temper, how to make their conduct fair, when to speak and when be silent, when to do and when forbear.” She continued “To achieve utopia in marriage, help must be solicited from God regarding endowment of patience and wisdom. The key to receiving from God is developing a personal relationship with God which fuels communication with him. Mind you, no two marriages are the same and there is no blueprint for marriage, so you must each chart your individual courses. It certainly helps to recognise the good in your spouse, he cannot be all “bad news”. Appreciate him and count your blessings. That way, the bad becomes less obvious and with time becomes bearable. You are meant to complement each other.”

She continues “Since I started seeing marriage through the prism I described, I experience peace and exhibit the fruits of the spirit such as joy, love, patience, gentleness, self-control, and the like. You have always known me to be impulsive and quick to act while Segun (my better half) is the more cautious and deliberate one. I remember when I was approached by my current employer who was head hunting for an experienced hand in alternative energy policies, my immediate reaction was to express disinterest in the position especially as I felt comfortable with my then employers.     Thank God for Segun who advised that I request time to consider the slot and give it a shot. The rest, we all know is history as it turned out to be the best career move, I have made so far. Listening to his advice has been impactful in our lives although I had previously criticized him as being slow to act.”

She adds, “That said, Abby, you could do with exhibiting restraint in your outbursts and following Prisca’s advice. For you Satu, while Hassan’s actions are indeed painful, try to understand his reason for the decision taken by engaging him in discussion and if it cannot be understood, hand it over to the Lord in prayer.”

Love

Havilah                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

As Agbani headed towards her high-profile job at the headquarters of a multinational actively involved in the telecommunication space, she hurriedly scrolled through her e-mails and messages on her phone. Because of the intensity of her work and other schedules, she made it a duty to consciously put her phone to sleep at midnight and would only access the phone at 7 a.m. She needed to maintain her health and sanity. Scrolling down, she encountered the reminder from the Secretary of her High School Class Set Association, reminding her of the Class reunion scheduled for that weekend. As the President of the Association, she committed to be in attendance and hurriedly planned her activities for the rest of the week, to free her for the much-anticipated reunion. She had attended a girls’ school and recalled with nostalgia, their parting words forty years ago – a quote from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar – “If we do meet again, why we shall smile, if not then this parting was well made.”

Come Friday evening, Agbani cruises to the rendez – vous location and as she steps into the lobby, she is greeted by a myriad of female voices of differing pitches. Everyone was welcoming each other, and she melted into the ever-increasing crowd. Halima was the first to welcome her even as Bolu, Chinwe, Jacinta, Sandra, Efe, Ama and a host of others took turns embracing and welcoming her. She could not get over seeing Chinwe who flew in from her residence in the Bahamas and Ama who came in from Ghana. She had not seen either of them since they left school forty years prior, and it was fun catching up on what everyone was doing.

The onset of social media and digital calls had helped the classmates pretty much stay connected over the ages, however, nothing could prepare them for the awesome experience of coming together in physical contact, particularly after the pandemic. The pandemic had ushered in virtual conference solutions which the group also deployed to capture members in the diaspora. As the chattering continued and people shared experiences, it was interesting to note that a class of girls who had been exposed to similar conditions and challenges in school, had experienced a vast diversity of challenges as life happens differently to everyone thus leaving its mark on each person.

Agbani surveyed the room and observed that the ever-effervescent Murna remained the same…chirping throughout the events while Bolu sat quietly in her corner throwing in the occasional banter. Molly on her part could not resist the temptation to relive her days as the band leader and give a brilliant rendition of “Ladies Night” by Kool and the Gang. She surmised – Times and seasons may change, and experiences may differ, but a person’s character remains unchanged regardless of the challenges and experiences encountered.

Agbani had a deep admiration for her classmates as she listened to some of their stories which had left them largely undeterred. Was it Marcelle who had experienced widowhood very early in life or Tamara who had suffered severe health challenges but still managed to be her cheerful self? Aggie had a child shortly after school and had remained a single mother all her life. She was now a grandmother with a thriving business. Moriam had lost her only child in a freak accident but still plowed along and then, Bibi had passed on from Cancer while Gbonju had died in a car crash. Varying challenges but through it all, the bonds of sisterhood had seen them through. Sisterhood is indeed a blessing!

It was indeed a relaxing and exhilarating experience meeting in person again, particularly after a long time and after the experience of the COVID-19 pandemic. It was also a time to pull up fond memories of some of their classmates who had been called to glory in the intervening period. Indeed, Shakespeare was right in the quote “If we do meet again why we shall smile, if not then this parting was well made.” The Lord had made it possible to meet and smile again after a long time but some persons were not destined to meet again.

As Agbani drove back home on Sunday feeling fulfilled, she smiled as she made a mental note to extend the concept to her extended family, and organise a family reunion, particularly in these times when so many members are in diaspora.

Love

Havila