Melissa, my friend who teaches French at a secondary school in the metropolis called me and while sharing experiences, she mentioned that she was recently berated by a parent for assigning the task of sweeping the classroom to his daughter in conjunction with others. I asked If there was any cogent reason for his reaction such as that she is asthmatic or some other health condition and she said his only reason was that “she doesn’t even sweep at home and that she is not in school to sweep but to learn”. Two days later, I am out shopping with three middle-aged friends, and I was discussing the need for children to be taught and supervised on household chores.

Oyinda kicks off the discourse with “My take is that children must be taught very early the essence of cleanliness, and this transcends personal hygiene. The need for a clean environment and its attendant health and emotional/psychological benefits cannot be ignored. When they leave the “nest” to start lives on their own, who will keep the house for them? I recall I had a tough time getting Eunice to clean the house as a teenager. She would grudgingly take a brush and sweep all the dirt under the carpet, under the furniture or into hard-to-reach corners and pretend she was done. It was up to me to inspect and ensure she did it right. Guess what? When she got married, one of the selling points to her husband was her housekeeping capabilities”.

Meme was quick to point out the availability of more efficient cleaning and housekeeping appliances as well as methods. “With dishwashers, washing machines, hoovers and the like in place, keeping housekeeping has become a much easier task and cleaning can also be outsourced. One can also hire persons as housekeepers or assistants to help with the household chores. For our soaring migrant population, however, they have little or no access to housekeepers or assistants, but the modern appliances help them reduce the stress and time spent on cleaning. They must however first and foremost see the need to keep their environment clean which will propel them to acquire the relevant appliances.”

Efe agreed with the two previous speakers and went on to recount how her experience in boarding school had assisted her in assessing the quality of service recently provided by a professional cleaning company she had hired. Efe hailed from a royal family and as a result of her affluent background, had grown up with a retinue of servants, stewards and maids who took care of her environment. However, when she gained admission to one of the foremost girls-only secondary schools in the country, she was assigned cleaning tasks along with her peers. These included cleaning the bathrooms and toilets. Sweeping, mopping, dusting and tidying dormitories and classes. The levels of inspection and supervision taught her there was no hiding place for dirt as the tops of doors, wardrobes, ceiling fans and windows were carefully inspected for dust. There she learnt to recognise the difference in finishing between a swept floor and a carefully mopped one. Furniture was shifted to ensure that the floor beneath had been cleaned. Recently, she employed the services of professional cleaners and was appalled by the level of sloppiness displayed. She put her experience to work during the inspection process and uncovered the lack of diligence displayed in carrying out their assignment which on a cursory glance, appeared to have been effectively executed. If she did not know better, she would have paid for substandard work.

It is my opinion that everyone needs to place emphasis on cleanliness. Even a number of religions propagate ablution which is personal cleanliness. A clean environment, devoid of clutter not only enhances health but also stimulates the mind, uplifts one’s mood and increases productivity. The benefits of a clean environment are numerous, and one cannot but agree with the adage “cleanliness is next to godliness”. It follows that cleanliness is an acquired taste and skill. It is taught and learnt and profits a person. It starts at home and whether it is handled personally or contracted out, one must have expected outcomes and expectations and must be prepared to check or appraise them. This training, though traditionally taught and learnt by the female sex, has become increasingly learnt and practised by both sexes. As parents, we have a duty to teach our children the importance of cleanliness and how to maintain it by themselves. One cannot give what one does not have and if over-reliance is placed on external help with household chores, what happens when or where such help is unavailable? How does one cope?

Love

Havilah

Fathers’ Day has just rolled by, and it got me reminiscing about my father of blessed memory and the times we shared. In one word, he could be described as supportive, and the papa/girl dynamics were super. He was very present in my upbringing and supportive of my mother and the family. He honed my skills largely through play and other interactions and I cannot forget the songs, poetry, and games he taught in our native language. He honed my language skills through playing Scrabble and through the WHOT card game he taught me how to be a gracious loser. He would sometimes allow me to win a game to teach two things –

1. In life, you win some and lose some.

2. The more attempts you make at something, the better you become and the more confident you grow.

The bonding continued into Secondary school when as a boarder in a school in Lagos, the family had relocated to Port Harcourt. Dad kept the communication flow by writing letters and mine to him were always dutifully corrected for spelling errors, tenses, punctuation marks and the like. This enabled me to excel in my proficiency in the English language. He was a firm believer in logical reasoning and speaking the truth regardless of its outcome. I recall two incidents that occurred in my teenage years, one of which I will share here.

During the holidays, one fine day, I was visited by three teenage boys who were also in a school in Lagos at the time. They had summoned the courage to stop by my house but were uncomfortable in coming in, seeing that my father was known to be a strict disciplinarian. He never spared the rod. We stood together at the front entrance to the house and though in conversation, the boys were conscious of their surroundings and prepared to scamper at the sound of any approaching car in the driveway. They were however visible to anyone who cared to look and my uncle Wilson who at the time resided in our BQ, with his family, took note of the situation. Rather than discuss it with me, he preferred to report the seeming infraction, to my father when he got home from work. The following exchange then ensued.

Dad – “…did anyone visit the house today in my absence?”

Havilah – “Yes Dad, three boys visited me in each other’s company.” I went on to reel off their names as I was aware he knew their fathers.

Dad – “Why should they visit you? Uncle Wilson informed me of their visit and that they stood at the door for a long time. How did you get to know them, After all, you attend a girls-only school and not a mixed school?’

I boldly responded – “Yes Dad, I attend a girls-only school but we have avenues and opportunities to interact with boys at sports meets, debating society and science club engagements and the like so of course I know some boys. Besides, is it not better for them to visit me in my house than for me to visit them or meet them on street corners?”

This was followed by a long-drawn silence, I do not think he saw it coming, then he called for his lunch and changed the topic of discourse.

Years later as I enjoyed the trust and confidence reposed in me, my father confided that the reported incident had made a strong impression on him. Firstly, it had shown him that I could be trusted to speak the truth regardless of the consequences that could emanate therefrom and that I displayed an analytical mind, given the perspective from which I had reviewed the situation. This trust and confidence, I enjoyed throughout his lifetime.

I, therefore, enjoin all fathers to spend time understanding their children and such can only be gained through spending quality time with them, bonding. This helps to shape them in achieving their divine destiny. For those who for some reason or the other missed the bonding period in their youth, it is never too late to reach out a hand of fellowship and try to understand them as adults. It is all about BONDING!

Love

Havilah

I was thinking of my mental health recently and a need to indulge in a vacation when it dawned on me that we have just gone past the Mental Health Awareness month of May. These days, we hear the words “Mental Health” bandied about, which is not surprising given the challenges and stresses of our times. Many people are suffering from mental health challenges, albeit unknown to them. Addictions, Anxieties, Bipolarism, Depression, Schizophrenia and a host of other conditions are all attributable to a person’s mental health. With an upsurge in the incidences of emotional and physical abuse, coupled with the harsh economic climate, it comes as no surprise that the conditions above mentioned, are on the increase.

Ife, a mother of two was found soliciting alms outside one of the mega-churches one Sunday afternoon alongside her two children. One of the church members to approach her was Dr. Meg, who felt attracted to this soft-spoken, articulate young woman. Dr. Meg, in addition to gifting her a healthy sum, invited her to her consulting room at The City Sanatorium – a behavioral Health facility – where she practises as a Clinical psychologist. She shares Ife’s story:

Ife had been married to her childhood friend, Fred and together they had raised two children. Fred was an engineer with a manufacturing company while Ife was a marketing executive with an insurance company. Problems started four years into the marriage as Fred became an alcoholic exhibiting an altered personality which resulted in severe emotional and physical abuse to Ife. All attempts to identify the root cause of the change proved abortive and Fred lived in self-denial of his state. Nevertheless, Ife continued in the relationship, as she put it, “because of the children.” Fred started slipping in his fatherly role and responsibilities, but Ife kept up appearances, rising to the occasion by providing needed finances. However, one day, about a year prior to meeting Dr. Meg, Ife came home from work to an empty home. Fred had packed all his personal belongings and left home. She tried calling his phone, but it was switched off. The next day, she inquired at his office and was shocked to find out that he had resigned three months earlier. She was left with no option than to take up her cross and fend for the family as a single parent, but the strain and trauma of the years had taken its toll. She suffered from bouts of depression which affected her productivity at work. She was eventually fired, and the children had to be relocated to a public school. This further depressed her, and it was during this low, she decided to pursue street begging for a livelihood.

Dr. Meg was intrigued by her story and after a clinical diagnosis of depression, she slated her for counseling sessions and medical treatment at the Sanitarium. She went on to rehabilitate Ife and assisted her get an administrative placement with the church. Dr. Meg also assisted the children secure admission in the school run by the church where Ife was entitled to discounted fees. These all resulted in Ife being active in church and spiritual activities thus picking up the pieces of her life and a more stable mental health. She is still healing from the bruises but is better able to live a happy fulfilled life.

There is no gainsaying the fact that mental health is something to be guarded jealously. The World Health Organisation (WHO) defines mental health as “A state of mental well-being that enables people to cope with the stresses of life, realise their abilities, learn well and work well and contribute to their communities.” It is therefore clear that stressors and pressure agitate mental health while self-care stimulates mental health.

A person is expected to develop a self-care routine for proper balance on an ongoing basis. To help with this, some organised businesses insist on a work-life balance that enables employees time for family, socials, exercise, etc. Some even have gyms, enroll staff in clubs with recreational facilities, frown at working beyond specified hours, have creches for babies, etc. Even where these are unavailable, the individual owes it to herself to indulge in a self-care routine which ideally should encompass all or a substantial number of the following areas for optimum balance – Emotional e.g. journaling, listening to music or messages; Mental e.g. dissipating stress through meditation, walking, socialising, etc.; Physical e.g. eat healthy, exercise, etc.; Spiritual e.g. embrace religion and live by the tenets of your faith; Recreational e.g. reading, swimming, playing games, etc.; and environmental e.g. maintaining a decluttered and safe living environment, etc.

It is also important to practise self-love as a part of your self-care routine and this simply means pampering yourself by doing something for yourself that makes you feel happy and fulfilled e.g., a spa treatment, an outing, a vacation, etc.

Do take out time to practise self-care to aid your mental health in these challenging times. EVERYONE needs this to remain sane.

GLOSSARY

1. DEPRESSION – A mental condition characterised by severe despondency and dejection with feelings of inadequacy and guilt often accompanied by lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep.
2. BIPOLAR DISORDER – A mental condition characterised by severe mood swings and energy levels resulting in emotional highs and lows.
3. SCHIZOPHRENIA – A mental condition involving a breakdown in the relationship between thought emotion and behaviour, leading to faulty perception, withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy, delusions, and mental fragmentation.
4. SELF-CARE – The practice of actively protecting one’s personal well-being and happiness, particularly during periods of stress.

Love

Havilah

Sumi is the newest kid on the block having recently migrated to the United States of America. At fifteen, he prides himself on his soccer skills and as is usual for his age bracket, he loves to show off. While relaying his recent shot which resulted in a goal, he points at his teammate Ted and jibes, “he goofed. He undermined the power in my shot.” Ted responded angrily saying” Watch your words foul mouth. I am they or them, not he.” Sumi continued:” You don’t even know your pronouns. I knew before I was even six that males are he and females she. They and them are used for plurals (multiplicity of people).” Sumi had just uttered the “straw that broke the camel’s back” and Ted lunged out at Sumi commencing the onset of a brawl that ended up at the principal’s office. Upon investigation, what had angered Ted was the reference to him as “he.” Sumi was asked to apologise and got off with a stern warning only because he had just relocated from an environment that was alien to LGBTQ+. He is only conversant with the binary genders – male and female.

When he returns to class his friend – Clive- pulls him aside and gives him a brief rundown of gender identity versus biological sex and how it results in gender dysphoria.

“So, this is how it plays out,” Clive started. “We all know that the primary genders relate to certain physical attributes that define one as a male or female (the binary genders). However, certain persons have a different gender identity from their biological/birth identity. So, a person who exhibits the genitals and hormones that are male may adopt the gender identity of a female and prefers to be referred to as she and to dress up and live as she or may even fluctuate between being addressed as he and she, depending on how they feel at any particular time. In recent times, there are different non-binary genders consisting of different configurations and it is an ever-growing list. Non-binary persons tend to use the term they or them because they feel the conventional pronouns of, he/she do not suit their gender identity which is different from their birth identity. You need to try to understand the various gender identities, sexual orientations, and modes of address so as not to rile them up the wrong way. If you are unsure of the gender identity, it is safer to use the person’s name when referring to them. The key other identities outside of the binary identities are:

Lesbian – A woman who only partners or is attracted to other women. Their Sexual orientation is different.

Gay – Men who are attracted to men only.

Bisexual – Persons attracted to both men and women.

Transgender (Trans) – One who identifies as a gender different from his birth-assigned (biological) gender. They may or may not seek to change it through medical interventions.

Queer/Questioning – Yet to decide their gender.

Intersex (hermaphrodites) – born with both male and female reproductive organs.”

When Sumi got home, he related his day’s experience to his mum who in turn shared it with her friend and compatriot Bibi -who had since become an American citizen. Bibi then cautioned that this is part of the culture shock most immigrants face, but it is important to keep your values deeply entrenched in your children while recognising the existence of different gender identities. This can be done by constantly counseling, praying for, and with them as well as teaching them the word from the holy book.

For Christians, The Bible states that God created them, Male and Female. Also, Noah was instructed to take two of all creatures (male and female) into the Ark, for preservation. It is however important to monitor the young ones as well as the type of programs they are exposed to in order to bring them up according to your family/religion/home country’s value system. Let us seize the best of both worlds for our children.

A word of caution from Havilah – Parents must be conscious of the possible consequences of sending their children abroad with inadequate supervision. These consequences may include them imbibing strange identities, cultures, ideologies and behavioural patterns. Importantly though, parents have a duty to always pray regarding them.

Love

Havilah

The significance and importance of names cannot be ignored as names carry deep personal, cultural, familial, and historical connections, giving us a sense of who we are and our place in the world. Consequently, names depict relationships between bearers of the same surname.

In some cultures, marriage may or may not necessitate a change of name. Some cultures traditionally require that the woman changes her surname and adopts that of her husband when she gets married, while in other cultures, the woman retains her family name or adopts the first name of her husband. Increasingly, however, couples are moving away from tradition and doing the unusual which has resulted in an increase in the incidence of double-barrelled names.

Take the case of Dike Obienu and Motara Wilson. Motara is an accomplished Digital Media Personality and Influencer in her late thirties who has established a strong brand that includes her surname – Wilson Laughs – and always signs off as – Motara Wilson. As the sole heir to the Wilson family, she feels obliged to retain the family surname in the absence of a male sibling. Obidike on the other hand is a suave, liberal-minded marketing Manager in a multinational organisation but hails from an extremely conservative background. While discussing their prospect of marriage, Motara had communicated her intention to maintain her family name for continued brand visibility and its attendant benefits. She also reminded Obidike that her father had “no son to perpetuate his name.” While doing a census of contracts and legal agreements that would need to be reviewed if she were to effect a change of name, Motara had felt overwhelmed at the amount of paperwork required and opined “What is in a name after all? The important thing is to have a successful marriage where mutual respect and understanding are practised.” Dike had agreed but had requested that they consider how it would impact the children. After agreeing that the children would bear the Obienu name, they debated the confusion it could create in the minds of young children who would have mostly friends and peers whose parents shared a common surname with them. How would it sound to have Mum bearing the name Wilson while Dad and the kids are Obienu? He had suggested that a possible midway point was to unite their names and adopt Mr. and Mrs. Wilson-Obienu. After settling this and other issues, the wedding was contracted while they were in the UK but shortly after they returned to their home country, all hell broke loose as Motera’s in-laws could not understand the compromise. Dike’s mum kicked up a fuss as she philosophised “She certainly gives herself airs thinking she is too good for us. Who does that? What woman who intends to stay married retains her father’s name? She should assume our family name if she intends to bond with our family.” Dike however stood his ground and Mrs. Motara Wilson-Obienu has not only proved to be a devoted wife and mother but an asset to the extended family. She is well-loved by all, including mama Obienu.

It is pertinent to consider some of the reasons that are often presented for eschewing the traditional change of name in favour of combined names or retention of the family name:

1. Lack of a male heir to perpetuate the family name.
2. Professional visibility and attainment in the family name.
3. Affiliation of the name to Traditional worship or religion.

While some of the reasons sound plausible Havilah considers it an increasingly important discussion to have prior to getting married as this seemingly trivial matter can generate complications for the couple, especially in climes where the concept of retention of the family name or merging the two surnames is little understood by the extended family and the society at large. There are a lot of sentiments attached to names and one must tread gently in order not to offend people’s sensibilities.

Love

Havilah

Toru, a 34-year-old married hardworking accountant with a top-notch hospital was recently diagnosed with uterine fibroid. For as long as she knew, her menstrual periods had been extremely painful and in more recent times she experienced very heavy flows which led to anaemia. She was constantly taking time off work for her menstrual flow which was often prolonged. She had believed that once she gave birth, the situation would improve but since her marriage four years ago, she had been waiting on the Lord to get pregnant. It was not until she joined the hospital about a year ago, after observation by some of the medical personnel at work, that she succumbed to investigations and examinations that led to the diagnosis. She then discovered that uterine fibroids are very common among women (particularly those of childbearing age – menarche to menopause) and presents itself in different ways. After a course of medication to control the pain and help shrink the fibroid, she has been scheduled for surgery – myomectomy to remove the fibroid.

What exactly is Uterine fibroid also known in medical parlance as leiomyoma? It is a benign growth in the uterus (womb) that is common, not deadly, but can be disruptive featuring various types of discomfort. Some of its symptoms include heavy menstrual flows, prolonged flows, pelvic pressures, frequent urination, painful intercourse, distended stomachs, etc. It is more prevalent in women of African descent occurring in over 50 percent of women. It can however be asymptomatic needing no treatment and many women live their lives oblivious of its existence.

In mental preparation for her surgery, Toru approached one of their patients – Adeline – to enquire about her experience. Adeline, a young mother with a 3-month-old baby had done a myomectomy at the hospital prior to delivering her bundle of joy through normal delivery at the hospital. Adeline shared her story as follows: “Toru, rest assured a myomectomy is pretty much standard procedure today and has a high success rate. In my case, I did not experience any symptoms except for some pelvic pressure which I suppressed with over-the-counter drugs. However, 5 years into marriage, I kept experiencing miscarriages and initially assumed it was a spiritual problem which took me to various churches for deliverance. At one of such churches, I met Nurse Bimpe who works in your hospital, and she asked if I had considered that it might be a medical challenge and not spiritual. After consultation with the gynaecologist and a series of tests, she informed me that both the size and location were responsible for the seeming lack of symptoms I experienced but that the fibroids which were multiple but small in size, deterred the foetus from developing to maturity and were responsible for the abortions and miscarriages experienced. She assured me that after removal through surgery, I could have a normal delivery. She in fact stressed the need to get pregnant soon after as fibroids tend to grow back after a while if pregnancy does not occur. To the glory of God, I took in and today I am a proud mother”. Adeline also referred to the case of her sister, Paulet, who had her children despite fibroids, without surgery.

Some of the hard facts regarding fibroids are:

1. It is commonplace especially among women of African descent.
2. It usually occurs in women of childbearing age.
3. It could be disruptive and prevent conception and or carrying a baby to term. It can also be responsible for complications in pregnancy.
4. Fibroids can re-grow after a myomectomy, but not after a hysterectomy.
5. Risk factors include vitamin D deficiency, obesity, early menarche, deficiency in diet, genetics, high hormonal levels etc.
6. It can be treated by medication e.g., oral contraceptives, surgery and in more recent times, hormonal antagonists (GnRH) and minimally invasive gynaecological (MIG) surgery such as UAE (Uterine Artery Embolism) and MRgFUS (MRI guided Focused ultrasound).

In conclusion, Uterine fibroids cannot be prevented but the risk may be mitigated by maintaining a healthy lifestyle and regular pelvic examinations and monitoring. Where diagnosed, appropriate treatment will depend on the individual patient’s age and her desire to retain her fertility as well as the size, location, and number of the fibroid(s). However, in these times, medical advancement has enabled women receive proper treatment with minimum risk of mortality.

GLOSSARY OF TERMS

HYSTERECTOMY – The surgical process for removal of the uterus of a woman.

HORMONAL ANTAGONIST – A medication which affects the hormones e.g., GnRHA (gonadotropin releasing hormone antagonist which affects the sexual hormones…progesterone and estrogen.

LEIOMYOMA – Uterine Fibroid.

MENARCHE – The onset of menstruation.

MENOPAUSE – The cessation of menstruation.

MRgFUS – MRI guided focused ultrasound is a non invasive and incision free technology that targets and treats tissue and organs in the body without incision or radiation.

MYOMECTOMY – A surgical process for the removal of fibroids while preserving the uterus.

UAE(UFE) – Uterine Artery or Fibroid Embolisation is a minimally invasive procedure that involves cutting off the blood supply of fibroids and causing them to shrink.

Love

Havilah

What will you do if you suddenly discover that your beautiful son who has just started mouthing the word mama, is not yours after all? Did I hear you say…but that is impossible, how can a mother not know her child. We have heard of paternity suits but, maternity suits? I remember my mother used to react to her children’s awkward or strange behavior with the cliché “I am sure these children must have been unknowingly switched at Massey Children’s hospital” – the foremost children’s hospital in her city at the time. I always shrugged it off as a joke, but wait a minute, can it happen? Please read on as I share a post recently forwarded by one of my readers.

How can a husband be genotype AA, wife AS, and the baby is SS? Paternity fraud looming?

3 months after they had their first child, Morin and Deji found out their daughter – Tanti had her first sickle cell crisis, and the hospital evaluated her as having the SS genotype.

At first, it appeared like a joke, an awfully bad one at that. Medically, that is not or should not be possible. They conducted the genotype test in four medical laboratories, and the results came out the same – SS. Deji became very suspicious about the paternity of the baby and ordered a DNA test which confirmed that he did not father the baby.

Deji confronted Morin with the results demanding that she confess to infidelity and explain who fathered the child. Morin was adamant that she had not indulged in any extramarital relationship and therefore Deji had to be the father of the child. She then had a repeat DNA test done elsewhere in the belief that the earlier result was an error. It affirmed the earlier result as to paternity – Deji was not Tanti’s father, as the father must carry the sickle cell gene.

The once cheerful home now became a nightmare and Morin was distraught as her world was falling apart. She had no explanation for what was happening and all the people around her found it difficult to attest to her fidelity – how else could it have happened?

While in discussion with her childhood friend Becky, a lawyer and social worker, she narrated her ordeal and they both agreed to enter into a prayer of agreement for the spirit of discernment and knowledge from God. About a week into prayers, Becky called Morin and announced excitedly “Friend, it appears I have a plausible explanation. Given that I believe all you have told me, then it is likely that you also are not the mother of that child. Why not embark on a DNA test to determine the maternity of the child”? Immediately, Morin seized the straw that would save her from drowning and had the test done. “Voila” the test result proved that indeed Morin was not Tanti’s mum. How did it happen? The error was traced to the hospital where two baby girls born on the same day had been swapped. The police were invited to investigate the “error” and the hospital was sued for negligence and damages claimed for the trauma occasioned. Deji and Morin were also able to trace the parents who had been wrongly assigned their baby and after a series of tests by all involved, they retrieved their precious bundle whose genotype turned out to be AS.

There is a Happy ending to the story …true, but what if the child had been AS or AA rather than SS would the error have been discovered?

What of the damage done to Deji and Morin’s relationship? Will Morin get over the distrust displayed by her husband?

Was it a case of carelessness or negligence or a deliberate act of mischief on the part of the medical personnel whereby they were financially induced to switch babies for a fee?

Havilah welcomes suggestions and comments on how such “errors” can be averted by intending parents.

Love

Havilah

Trixie and Gbolabo had hurriedly prepared to attend today’s Marriage Seminar as advertised by Marriage Advisers and Counsellors Association Inc, one in a series of many for intending couples. Today’s topic had caught their interest, especially as it is rarely understood or practiced in their environment. PRENUPS or Prenuptial agreements as an option for intending couples. The seminar was meant to enlighten intending couples about prenuptial agreements while highlighting the pros and cons. The Panelists were introduced as follows:

1. Mrs. Hilda Abdulkareem, a Marriage Counsellor, and the anchor for today’s event. She has been married for 25 years and is a Social Worker with the State government.
2. Mr. Paulinus Nwaegbo, a practicing lawyer whose firm specialises in Family Law matters.
3. Ms. Nony Okafor-Badru, a successful Industrialist, and a divorcee.

After the introductions, Nony kicks off the topic by telling her story. “In Africa, prenuptial agreements are rare and yet to gain ground, but I see it as worthy of consideration by intending couples and this is coming from someone who got the short end of the stick when I sued for divorce. If I had a prenup agreement, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. I come from a privileged background with considerable inherited wealth. Naturally, I had been exposed to Investments at an early age, so I came into the marriage with a lot of assets and continued to grow my portfolio of assets in the ten years I remained married. Blinded by love, I converted most of my assets to jointly owned assets with the notion that it would make administration of the assets for the benefit of our children easier, in the unexpected event of the premature death of either parent. Unfortunately, I had not reckoned with my spouse turning out to be an unrepentant drug addict whose drug habit dissipated most of his earnings and I had to maintain the family and sweat the assets to maximise returns. When all efforts to pull Lashe out of his addiction failed, I had no option but to file for divorce which was granted. However, since the assets were jointly owned, they were shared equally, and I really got my fingers burnt. I realised too late that a prenup agreement would have entitled me to the totality of my assets”.

Mrs. AbdulKareem interjects at this point. “Maybe we should backtrack a little and hear from Mr. Nwaegbo . What really is a prenuptial agreement, what are its significant features and what are its pros and cons”?

Mr. Nwaegbo defines a prenup as follows: “A prenuptial agreement is an agreement signed by a couple in which they outline the distribution of their assets in the event of a dissolution of the marriage. It involves full disclosure of all their individual assets and liabilities prior to the marriage and whether assets and liabilities accrued by both parties during the marriage, should be jointly or separately held. It should further state what should happen to jointly held assets including any matrimonial property in the event of the dissolution, Alimony or support, and children from prior marriages. However, key elements to a successful prenup are that it must be fair, without duress and duly signed by both parties. Legal participation is also advised.

It is however important to investigate whether Prenups are recognised or valid in your jurisdiction before embarking on it as not all countries, recognise it. In Nigeria, it is recognised although uncommon. In recent times it is gaining momentum as a fallout of the increased rate of divorce among public figures and celebrities although there are no reported cases yet. In Ghana for instance, it is invalid”.

Mrs. Abdulkareem continues “As spiritual beings we must also consider what our creed feels about it. My position is that Prenups do not fit into the mold of a Christian marriage since the concept of marriage frowns at divorce and prenups are predicated on the assumption of dissolution. Also, it contradicts the selfless love advocated in the bible. Prenups appear to have selfish intent and negate the concept of giving and sharing.

That said though, there are pros and cons to having a prenup agreement in the event of the unexpected – a dissolution of marriage and I use the word dissolution deliberately, as marriages can be terminated by death and even because the marriage was in fact a sham from the get-go. What happens when the marriage was founded on deceit e.g., the man is lawfully married in another town or country before contracting your marriage, or he contracts a subsequent marriage while yours is still subsisting? When the cat is let out of the bag, the logical action is to dissolve such marriage and, in such scenarios, a prenup becomes useful as it makes the separation/distribution of assets and liabilities easier, less traumatic, and less controversial. The most apparent disadvantage is that if not properly broached and executed, it breeds mistrust and can hamper the relationship from the outset. It is therefore advised that if considered as an option, it should be broached early enough in the relationship so that the partner does not feel railroaded or boxed into the arrangement”.

Havilah’s opinion is that prenups cannot be classified as “good” or” bad” but advises that the pragmatic thing is to discuss it as an option and based on the parties’ values and considerations, it can be adopted or discarded.

Love

Havilah  

I have often wondered how you walk in with someone similarly clothed and groomed, yet people discriminate in their reactions even without you uttering a word. What makes the difference? Someone once said, “It is the glow of the skin”.

Azima summoned up courage and walked up to her Unit Manager during her lunch break, she had always admired Mrs. Tita Polycarp for her elegance, poise, comportment, and most of all – her glowing chocolate-coloured skin. Today, she decided to engage her in a conversation about the secret to her smooth even toned glowing skin. Azima had struggled for years with uneven skin tone and often wondered what she could do. She had considered the use of bleaching creams but remembered with pain that her mother had passed as a result of skin cancer that was precipitated by bleaching. As she asked if she could engage her at that time, she quickly blurted out “Mummy P, I can’t help admiring the glow to your skin and felt I can learn a thing or two from you, on how to improve my skin tone”.

Mummy P smiled and waved her to a seat. She then pointedly asked Azima, “What is your skincare routine”?

A clearly perplexed Azima responded with “Ma, I don’t understand the question. I bathe with soap morning and night, cream my body, and apply some make-up. That is all there is to it. Should it be different”?

In response, Mummy P explained “Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin and accepting who you are. By the way, that is a quote from Ellen DeGeneres. Mind you, the skin is the largest organ of the body and the one that is most visible, thereby influencing first impressions. It, therefore, requires needed attention to present it in the best applicable light. You should therefore develop a daily skincare routine using products that work with your skin. To bring out the best in your skin, you must do a minimum of five steps in caring for the skin, in addition to eating a balanced diet that enhances your overall well-being.  using a Cleanser, Toner, Hydrating Serum, Moisturiser and Sun Protection Factor (SPF) protection also referred to as Sunscreen. I realised that once I started the 5-step regimen described, my skin tone evened out and resulted in the skin that elicits your admiration today. Try it and you will savour the results.

Azima thanked mummy P for the information but had two areas that needed clarity. “Please ma, I have two questions stemming from your advice.

1. I had always assumed that skin toning is a refined terminology for bleaching. Is there a difference and if yes, what is the difference?
2. I always assumed also that Sunscreen is meant for fair/light-skinned persons who desire to suntan. Why do dark-skinned persons need it since our skin can better accommodate the sun and it is often said that we need the sun to produce vitamin D in our bodies”?

Mummy P highlighted the difference between skin toning and bleaching as follows: – “Skin toning helps clear dark spots and tackles skin discolouration and uneven pigmentation. It is a part of skincare and does not alter the natural colour of the skin. Bleaching, on the other hand, is the process of whitening or brightening the skin with chemicals. Bleaching predisposes the skin to cancer”.

She continued “While Vitamin D is released by the body when it receives ultraviolet rays from the sun, and forms a necessary requirement for us all, over-exposure to the ultraviolet rays emitted by the sun can have damaging effects by accelerating ageing, causing skin eruptions and in extreme cases, causing cancer. It is however true that dark skin requires greater exposure to the sun to enable the required access to generate Vitamin D, however, overexposure can cause sunburn and may result in cancer. It is therefore important to modulate exposure to the sun’s rays by staying in the shade and wearing protective clothing as well as wide-brimmed hats and sunglasses. Where exposure cannot be helped, a broad-spectrum sunscreen is advised with an SPF of 30 or above. It should be noted that the sunscreen should be applied liberally and evenly at least 30 minutes before venturing into the outdoors and reapplied after 2-3 hours”.

Azima thanked Mummy P and promised to put the advice to work with a promise of feedback after six months trial.

Love

Havilah

For the married and those in the queue……An aged father asked his grown-up daughter a simple question:

“What is the most important thing in your life, beti?

She replied, “Daddy, it is the kids !!! They mean everything to me”..

He then turned and asked his son-in-law the same question, he also (beaming with pride) said : “It is the kids of course; they are the reason why I work so hard to ensure they have a better life”

“Well said, my children. I don’t mean to intrude on how to run your family life, but I believe there is a fundamental error you will need to correct. I have observed how much you both love your kids and dedicate all your time to them…

“I have observed that almost all your conversation borders mostly on the kids.”

The couple nodded in admission to the assertion.

He continued, “I am a poultry farmer and the biggest egg supplier in my district. I make my money by the quantity of eggs sold. That said, my priority has always been providing optimal care for the chicken. Because, I know that when the chicken is healthy and productive, the eggs will automatically be bountiful.

If I start to ignore the chicken, the eggs will also suffer.”

He pointed to his son-in-law and said, “as a husband, the most important person in your life should be your wife and vice versa. It can not be the kids. They are just products of the marriage”.

If you learn to take care of each other very well, your kids will grow up healthy, happy and well-adjusted, but if you ignore each other, brace yourself up for dysfunctional kids in the future.

”The two of you are the foundation of this family. If you suffer any crack, the whole house will go down. So please make time for yourself and treat each other as *PRIORITY, and the kids will be just fine.”

“This has been the secret of the fruitful union between your Mother and Myself for over 50 years till death took her from me.”

The old man’s eyes welled up with tears at this stage. He thanked the couple for their time and excused himself.

If care is not taken, this magical connection gets weakened, thereby opening up a marriage to all sorts of strange elements !!

Let kids observe that your spouse means the world to you, and if you are to choose between them and your spouse, it will always be your spouse.

Give the kids the love and attention they deserve but not at the cost of neglecting each other.

It is your marriage that will sustain your kids, not vice versa. The kids are just the bonus.

So true, even if un-African!

Talking Helps… Talking Heals

Anon

I came accross the above in a post to one of my whatsApp groups and could not help sharing it here. The words spoken are certainly words of wisdom and we too often have the sequence reversed. That is probably the reason for so many discontent and unhappy youth in our environment today. Let us work at reversing the trend. Doing it right helps our mental health as well as those around us. May the Lord help us.

Love

Havilah