Have you observed that a lot more women are living decent lives with cancer than previously? A couple of months ago I was opportune to visit a reputable privately-owned Cancer Centre in the city and held fascinating conversations with patients, four of which are showcased in today’s write-up.

Ebhaide is a 53-year-old Investment banker who has access to Free Medicals courtesy of her employer. As a result, she never slacked on her annual check-up and had cultivated a habit of self-examining her breasts monthly over the past twenty years. However, her last mammogram during her annual check-up had thrown up certain irregularities which called for further tests. At the end of the tests, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was devastated but with the right counseling, she was placed on a combination treatment of Hormone Therapy and radiotherapy, which was well tolerated by her, given that the cancer cells had not spread beyond the breast tissue. She was being managed and had visited for her quarterly follow-up. In her own words, “I am still active at work and socially, boosting my health with dietary supplements and exercise”.

Belinda on her part is a 35-year-old entrepreneur who runs a beauty parlor and lost her mother to cervical cancer about four years ago. She explained “Immediately after her passing, I did my first pap smear to test for cervical cancer. The second was done last year and some irregular cells were found. Further tests revealed the presence of cancer cells in my cervix and a combination of chemotherapy and radiotherapy was recommended by the Oncologist. I have since commenced treatment and I am currently undergoing my last week of radiotherapy. Although I experienced some reactions to the treatment, these were well managed by medication”.

Amina’s is a case of Stage 3 breast cancer discovered at age 61. She is a homemaker and grandmother. She had never done breast examinations and mammograms, or other tests were never done. She realised that the soreness in her breasts had become worse over the years with smelly discharge from the nipples. By the time she was examined by the family doctor and after a series of tests, she was diagnosed with breast cancer that had spread into her lymph nodes. Consequently, she had to have a mastectomy coupled with chemotherapy and radiotherapy treatments. She continues to give Allah thanks for sparing her life and believes she will be preserved until it is His will to call her to him.

For 24-year-old Duro, recently diagnosed with Ovarian cancer, she is thankful to God and the facility for saving her life. Her story…” I had done regular self breast-examination and was conscious of breast and cervical cancer but had never heard of ovarian cancer. I realised something was wrong when I was consistently losing weight, feeling bloated and noticed a difference in the pattern and intensity of my monthly periods. After a series of tests, an  MRI, and a bone scan, I was queried for ovarian cancer. Surgery was scheduled to remove one of my ovaries and the fallopian tube. The biopsy done on the ovary revealed cancer cells which luckily, had not spread, and I was placed on a regimen of radiotherapy.”

It is heartwarming to know that the Big C is no longer a death sentence but the key to overcoming it is early detection. Like any other disease, it can be managed and controlled making for a fruitful life. There are however some important takeaways to learn from this:

1. Education regarding Cancers is important for all classes of women particularly those over 21 years.
2. Self Breast examination and periodic screening through mammograms and pap smears help in no small measure in the early diagnosis of cancers and proper cancer containment/management.
3. Of the three cancers common to women above described, Ovarian cancer cannot be caught through screening, therefore making it the deadliest. You must watch out for strange signs and symptoms and as women, anything that disrupts or changes the menstrual flow requires medical attention.
4. HIV-positive persons are susceptible to cervical cancers but are subject to the same screening and treatment procedures with relative success.
5. Thermoscans have been touted as an alternative to mammograms in the detection of breast cancer, however, it would appear that mammograms are more effective in early detection.

It is important to note also that this write-up has considered ONLY Conventional treatment. There are however three types of treatment available:

1. Conventional
2. Alternative
3. Integrative (a combined approach)

Love

Havilah

GLOSSARY

CHEMOTHERAPY – The use of cytotoxic, chemical substances and other drugs to treat diseases, especially cancer.

HIV – Human Immunodeficiency Virus which damages the body’s immune system to fight diseases.

HORMONE THERAPY – Suppression or blockage of the hormones, estrogen, and progesterone, in the treatment of cancer.

HYSTERECTOMY – Removal of all or part of the uterus.

MAMMOGRAM – A set of x-rays done on each breast to detect and evaluate breast tumours that cannot be detected by feel.

MASTECTOMY – Surgery to remove parts or the whole breast.

THERMOSCAN – Using digital infrared thermal imaging to detect breast cancer.

Abi and Sefi bumped into each other while enrolling their children in the kindergarten at King Cross Boulevard, five years after leaving college. Abi crept stealthily behind Sefi and whispered into her ears…” guess who is behind you Sefi”. Sefi turned her head abruptly in the direction of the whisper and had a head-to-head collision with Abi, and they both erupted in laughter. They chattered throughout the enrolment process and decided to catch up over coffee and pastries. Abi (who had always been the more conservative one) kickstarted the conversation with the comment – “Imagine running into you like this after five years. I learnt you got married immediately after university and thought you relocated. Marriage sure looks good on you; you look so radiant and happy. In fact, you are positively glowing.” Sefi responded with an affirmatory nod. “Yes indeed, I am enjoying my marriage. I got married the same year as you. You do not look bad yourself Abi.” As if on cue, Abi replied with a deep sigh “Make no mistakes about it, marriage was the worst decision I ever took and my son Cyril here, is the ONLY good thing I got from it”.

“You’ve got to be kidding me” Sefi responded.” What do you mean? My view is that marriage can be lovely and enjoyed. It depends on the mindset with which you approach it and the effort you are prepared to put into it.” Abi was quick to reply “Not when you have a husband with irritating and disgusting habits like mine. Over the years I have complained and tried to correct him over things like cleaning up with water after using the toilet as against toilet roll which I prefer. His clean-up method leaves the toilet seat wet which is unfair to the next user. He presses the toothpaste from the middle rather than bottom-up, he strews his used clothes all over the floor and likes to sleep to loud music. All attempts to correct him and teach him “civil” ways have proved abortive. I can’t continue with such a self-centered uncaring individual who will not consider my discomfiture regarding his mannerisms”. In response Sefi advised “But have you ever considered that he views your own habits in a similar manner? For instance, he may consider the use of water for cleaning up as more hygienic. Don’t forget that you grew up in different homes with different upbringings and value systems. Even siblings brought up under the same roof may have different preferences and that doesn’t make one necessarily superior to the other. You must learn to be accommodating and gentle in correction. Nagging and bickering has never and will never be a solution. Marriage requires that you condition your mind to do the following:

1. To put in the effort to make it work.
2. To Love unconditionally.
3. To seek God’s assistance in getting him to change some of his habits.
4. To seek God’s help in accepting what cannot change.

When you have the right mindset, it gives peace of mind at all times. Mind you. I am not saying it is easy, but the right attitude can be cultivated. When I first got married, I discovered that my husband was a “couch potato” who would rather sit all day in front of the television, with hardly a word to me but the usual pleasantries. You know me. That I live for conversations and while courting he made the effort to engage me in active discourse. I was wilting within and one day, I could no longer help myself, I burst into tears while seated with him in the living room. The silence had been deafening. Upon his inquiry as to the reason for my distress, I told him that his refusal to communicate with me was eating me. He assured me that there was nothing wrong with the relationship and he was happy with me. I later reasoned that while I came from a background where verbal engagement and mutual communication among all members of the family was the norm, the converse was the case in his family and so he saw nothing wrong with keeping silent. Having identified the problem, it was easier to understand his challenge and assist him to overcome it prayerfully. I started by discussing and analysing his favorite programs with him and gradually our communication progressed. The change was gradual, but God effected it and before I knew it, he craved our conversations. If for any reason I am silent now, he is not at peace. This was just one of several things we needed to work on and we are still work – in- progress but with each passing day, it gets easier to love him for who he is. Please Abi, do not allow petty differences to get in the way of your happiness. Remember no one is perfect and it takes time and patience to unlearn what has been learnt. Turn it over to God and remember, nagging and bickering has never been and will never be a solution. Ask God earnestly for patience and he who hears our prayers will certainly imbue you with the needed patience”.

Love

Havilah

Nelly and Feyi met for the first time on the University Campus when moving their things into the hostel. They discovered they were to occupy adjoining rooms and they immediately clicked. The next morning, they were surprised to find out that they were course mates and instinctively, they sat beside each other. This was the beginning of a remarkably close friendship that was running its third year. It was vacation time and Nelly decided to spend some time with Feyi at her parents’ home in a neighbouring town – Ibadan. This would further cement their bond and provide Nelly with the opportunity to attend Bode’s birthday party. Bode, a classmate of theirs, also lived in Ibadan and had invited them to his 21^st birthday party.

To Nelly’s shock, a couple of days before the party, Feyi informed Nelly that she should be silent about the party in any discussions with her parents. Nelly was astounded and asked “How do you mean? Surely, we cannot attend the party without informing them and carrying them along!” Feyi replied “You do not know my parents, especially my mother. Trust me, once she gets a whiff of it, we are going nowhere. Her mindset is that parties are for unserious people, and she believes only negative things happen at parties e.g., drinking alcohol, smoking, doing drugs, drugging girls, rape, etc. Any invitation to a party meets with a definite “No” and her word on anything is final. There is no room for discussion. She is very authoritarian and draconian in approach.” Nelly reminded her by saying “Girl, you seem to have forgotten that you always gist me about some of the nice parties you attend during holidays. Have you been fibbing to me”?

 Feyi responded with a laugh saying “Attending parties involves espionage and planning for me. My parents are extremely regimented and stick to their routines. After the family evening prayer at 9 pm, you will have noticed, everyone retires to their rooms, and we reconvene at 6 am for morning prayers. I lock the gate before retiring to my room and by 10 pm most days my parents are fast asleep. Sometimes they check that everyone is fine when they wake up to use the toilet, somewhere between 2 am and 3 am. If I have a party to attend, I deliberately leave the gate unlocked so that I can tiptoe out, shoes in hand, and call for a ride once I am out of sight. I make sure I am back before 2 am and that is fine.”

Nelly shook her head and replied “Feyi that is so wrong and dangerous for several reasons –

1. It is deceptive.
2. You expose the entire family by undermining the security arrangement.
3. If anything, unexpected were to happen to you…hmm, the family will be thrown into confusion by not knowing where to start searching and trying to fathom what could have transpired”.

She continued -“If you don’t mind, I would rather inform them about the party and try to convince them about it”. Feyi then ended the conversation with a shrug of the shoulders and a quiet “You might as well say goodbye to attending, I know my parents”. True to Feyi’s prediction, permission was denied, and the two girls missed attending Bode’s party.

Undoubtedly our parenting styles are as different in approach as parents themselves. It is however important to note that in bringing up balanced children we must modulate parenting to allow the children some input. Two-way communication in any relationship is key in ensuring a balanced view of the subject matter being discussed or contemplated. There are pros and cons to every issue and all parameters should be carefully weighed in coming to a decision. Where a parent insists on having his/her way, the reasons should be logical and explained to the child so that it is understood. The consequences of such action or inaction should be made clear so that the consequences of the offending action or inaction are expected. When parents are overbearing, this could lead to stifling the children and preventing them from rational thinking in making decisions and in some cases, rebellion. On the other hand, permissive or uninvolved parenting can also lead to unbalanced children. Parents must therefore strike a balance in guiding and nurturing the children without being overbearing or draconian, neither should the approach be laissez-faire. May the Lord grant wisdom to all parents in this regard.

Love

Havilah

A night of tributes had been arranged for sister Efua and the auditorium was filled to capacity and overflowing with grieving family members, friends and acquaintances. Sister Efua had touched lives. A lot had been said and it was now the turn of her only biological child – Yau (an oncologist) to give his tribute.

“I will start this tribute by saying that I owe all I am today to the courage and strength of my mother as exemplified by her strong faith in God who empowered her to be who she was. She was different things to different people but most importantly she was recognised by all as a praying woman. On her death bed, she slipped into my hands her testimony and requested that I read it to everyone at an appropriate time after her demise… I read:”

EFUA’S TESTIMONY

“I leapt out of bed as a result of the intensity of the sun’s rays. I must have overslept! I checked the clock on the mantlepiece – it was 9.30 in the morning and Kwesi (my husband) had already left for work. My teenage son, Yau was at home having been suspended from school for gross misconduct, he was still lazing in bed. I had been laid off from work in recent times because of the looming recession and the need to downsize at my office. My whole life was a mess. I fixed a quick meal for Yau and myself. After eating, I popped my anti-depressant pills all the time asking myself, where I got things wrong. A few years back, everything seemed to be going so well…a great job, Yau doing well in school, and Kwesi the perfect husband and doting father. What happened God, and why me? I decided to attend our church’s midweek service (after all I no longer had time constraints since I had no job). We had always been ceremonial Christians attending church service only on festive occasions, so this was novel.

That fateful Thursday, at the midweek service, I felt a certain release from the feeling of depression and waited behind to see the convener (a female member of the church’s praying band) after the service – Sister Dora. I poured out my heart, concerns, and challenges to her amid bouts of weeping, but sister Dora was patient, empathetic and consolatory. She then led me to pray and promised to partner with me in prayers and guide me through the process. She explained that I may not experience immediate miraculous changes but that if I developed my faith in God and focused on him, there would be subtle changes perfecting my situation.

As I returned home that night, under Sister Dora’s tutelage, I started praying constantly. The more time I spent in devotion, meditation on God’s word and prayer, the more I experienced a feeling of inner peace and calmness. I grew in faith and knew instinctively that the next step was to rebuild my relationship with Kwesi. In those days we lived like housemates – separate lives with monosyllable communication. My attempts at intimacy were rebuffed with a wave of the hand and he spent an increasing amount of time away from home. Yau on his part was largely locked up in his room left to his whims and caprices. The word of God taught me that a family that prays together stays together, and I yearned for that unity. It was not easy to whip up the interest of my husband and son, but I recalled that with God all things are possible and that propelled me to take my desires to God in prayer on my knees. I asked God for the right utterances and that he should teach me what to do and help me mend the broken fences of relationships. Gradually, things turned around and my husband was responsive, so we commenced praying together. The next project was Yau. As his parents, we prayed for and with him, showed interest in his well-being and activities, engaged him in conversation, came to terms with his concerns and confusion and gently steered him towards active participation in teenage church activities. This impacted his behavior and performance at school. His grades improved and he became a reference point to his peers by parents and teachers alike.

Just when things seemed to have taken a 360 degrees turnaround, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I underwent palliative treatment but now, things were different. I had an inner strength that comes from a firm conviction of knowing the God I serve. I knew he is able to deliver me because nothing is impossible for him to do. However, if he fails to do so, he has a reason, and it surely will glorify him. I can only encourage all mothers that there is power in being a praying woman, and it gives serenity and peace that passes all understanding. Even in the storm, you experience calm.”

Yau continued “my mother became an intercessor and encourager. She continued to pray and serve as a source of strength and encouragement for others who were going through some form of adversity or the other. Most never knew the pains she was going through as she was so effervescent and always smiling. Today, I stand as a living testimony to the efficacy of a praying woman. Her memory will always be blessed”.

His tribute received a standing ovation even as he descended the podium.

Love

Havilah

Have you ever tried to have an escape room experience? I had the privilege about a year ago when I visited an Escape room in the company of my young adults and not only was it fun, but it also taught me the importance of teamwork, especially as a family. It made me realise that family bonding harnesses individual talents to arrive at solutions. Everyone has something to offer.  No one has all the answers and sometimes the most ridiculous suggestion may just be the solution to the challenge.

So, what exactly is an escape room? It is a game – a fallout from the famous 2019 movie titled “The Escape Room”. This game involves a group of persons – family and or friends locked into an enclosure and given a time frame to escape from the environment. There will be obstacles and challenges strewn along the way that can only be overcome by combined effort. Sometimes, you may not actually complete the task within the time frame allotted but you would have given it your best shot.

A recent chat with my friend Romoke prompted my recall of today’s topic. This is her story.

Romoke is a widowed mother of two children in Secondary (High) School. She has just completed the construction of her residential building to accommodate herself and the children. After congratulating her, I asked if there were notable challenges she experienced while building and she responded:  “Haa…Havilah, there were challenges of supervision, pilferage, and shortage of funds but there is one I will never forget, hmm, it is good to have good children o”. She continued –“It was a Friday afternoon and I had miscalculated my funding requirements for the week. I would not have access to funds until the next Tuesday and my workmen were threatening to leave the site if they were not paid on or before the next day – Saturday. I was at my wit’s end as to what to do. I was owing everyone I could borrow from and if the workers left the site, getting them back to work would cause delays and hardship to access the next tranche of mortgage borrowing. All my pleas to the workers fell on deaf ears and I returned home totally deflated. Mope, the older of my children observed my mood and prodded me as to the reason. I opened up to her and she asked, me “Mum, how much do you need?” Upon my response that N30,000.00 would solve the problem she said I should stop worrying. She then walked over to her brother’s room and called for his piggy bank. Together, they broke their piggy banks and, you better believe it, they came up with N35,000.00 in change. My dear, N200 and N100 notes never felt so good. They saved the day! Incredibly, these children understood the problem to be a collective one and teamed up to provide the solution.”

A number of things struck me from Romoke’s story:

1. She had open communication with the children regardless of their ages. They knew about the project and were carried along.
2. She had taught the children the essence of saving for the” Rainy day” and they recognised the situation for what it was – a rainy day. They correctly evaluated the situation and provided a solution timeously.
3. The children understood the project as a collective one and saw the challenges as one that required collective input and participation in solving.

So, why did her story remind me of the Escape Room experience? These were my takeaways from that experience:

Anything that challenges one member of the family should be viewed as a collective challenge to which other members can proffer solutions. It enhances the bond.

Solutions should be offered in a timely manner in order to be effective. There are situations in which “Better late than never” is no good.

Empathy is a necessary emotion to be cultivated.

Everyone has unique talents and attributes which can be brought to the table to ensure solutions.

In summary, bonding experiences offer an opportunity to foster unity and understanding within a family. It enables you to observe the strengths, weaknesses, talents, etc. of the individual members and better coordinate them for the collective good. A bonding experience can range from the very simple like playing cards or other games to family vacations. There is always something to do together. Please do not undermine it!

Love

Havilah

Someone said Anniversaries are a time for cheers, the clinking of glasses and celebration, be they birthday, wedding, inauguration, or the like…yes? But they are also a time for reflection on what has transpired in the intervening period between anniversaries. It, therefore, comes as an exhilarating experience that Havilahspeaks has turned full circle to make it a year today since it hit the waves. While reflecting on this milestone, I cannot but appreciate ALL my readers who have taken out time to follow my episodes and served as sources of encouragement throughout the year. Special recognition goes to those whose inputs by way of comments and suggestions have in no small measure contributed to improving the quality of the blogs.

In consideration for those of us who have a preference for audio versions, as part of our anniversary package, Havilah will be launching an audio version. Watch out for it soon! Now, to today’s episode-

It would be Boma and Boulos’s 25^th wedding anniversary in a week and Boma was busy concluding with her childhood friends – Reni, Data and Penny on their proposed two-week vacation in Mauritius. This time around, Boma purposed to celebrate her wedding anniversary with her friends, away from Boulos.

Every year since their wedding, Boma had always craved celebration of their wedding anniversary but Boulos had always promised to celebrate landmark anniversaries. Boma quietly respected his resolve and would provide private candle-lit dinners with a bottle of wine every year. The landmark ones came and went without Boulos fulfilling his promise and it became routine for Boma to provide the usual candle-lit dinners. Boma repeatedly reminded him on the 5^th, 10^th and 20^th anniversaries and had determined that she was done with reminding him. As she made her plans regarding the forthcoming trip, Boulos felt certain he was included in the arrangements, after all, Boma had never missed being around him for their wedding anniversary in ALL of the 25 years they had spent together. This could not be different.

That night, dinner done, Boma laid out her travel plans to Boulos and that she would be away for two weeks. She went on to inform him that she had made adequate arrangements for his feeding and care in her absence and hoped he would enjoy his “space”.

A shocked and crestfallen Boulos could barely stutter “Why would you be away for our anniversary – the 25^th for that matter- don’t you think it is worth celebrating”? As Boma served his favorite dessert of pineapple upside down she replied “Oh really? I thought anniversaries are only meant to be celebrated with my special candle-lit dinners and wine. We can always do that when I am back but this time around, I need something memorable and my friends have promised to make it just that.”

Boulos replied “Babe…I am sorry, I took you for granted for so long, but I can’t imagine an anniversary without you. I will make it up to you just give me the chance”. To which Boma responded “I am sorry too Boulos but it’s too late to change my plans now. Everything is booked and paid for; besides, I will be letting my friends down. They have actually subsidised my expenses for the trip. Maybe we can celebrate the 30^th Anniversary, God sparing our lives or any other one you choose to”.

That said, a very pensive Boulos retired to the living room in contemplative silence determined to right the wrong. It was true he had always taken Boma for granted. She had been a good wife, mother and friend. She did not ask for much and deserved to be celebrated. Whatever it would take, he would surprise her by joining her in Mauritius for the anniversary. He called up Penny and discreetly obtained all the details of the trip then surreptitiously concluded his plans to arrive in Mauritius the night preceding the anniversary. He booked a room for the night at her hotel and at 6 a.m the next morning, he knocked at her door pretending to be the hotel staff checking on some detail regarding her room service order. A sleepy-eyed Boma walked to the door only to experience a rush of emotions ranging from shock to joy then confusion at seeing Boulos at the door. He swept her off her feet, planted a kiss on her lips and whispered “Happy 25^th Anniversary babe”. He later moved his things to her room and ensured that the special event he had arranged for her with her friends in attendance, took place. There he gave a speech extolling her virtues and ended it by kneeling on one knee and placing an Eternity ring on her finger. Was Boma THRILLED? Indeed, it was the 25^th wedding anniversary to remember!

Love

Havilah

Whitney walked into the Management Canteen of her company, a subsidiary division of a giant conglomerate, of which she was recently announced as the new Managing Director/ Chief Executive Officer. She was accompanied by Suku, a friend and fellow contestant for the position. A sudden hush fell on the crowded canteen at the unanticipated presence of the subject matter of their discussion making it difficult to continue their erstwhile conversation. Whitney had worked in various capacities with the group over the past 20 years and had proven her mettle. It was therefore no surprise that she emerged as the new Managing Director of the Food and Beverages Division after a keenly contested race for the coveted post. Suku, her closest ally had also been her stiffest competitor but Suku readily acceded to her superior abilities. After loading her tray with her preferred meal, she walked up to her favorite table and pulled up a chair. One of her colleagues at the table, Ifejika, bantered…” Madam M.D., you have left our league remember? You should join the table for the CEOs now o.” Whitney settled herself firmly in the seat and responded “Aren’t you guys forgetting something? You haven’t sent me forth yet o so till then, I remain a distinguished member of this table” she replied laughingly. With this, the edgy silence thawed and the usual camaraderie resumed.

Whitney could barely withhold her excitement as the official letter confirming her new status was handed to her after lunch and she rushed home to share the good news with her husband – Pedro. Pedro, a successful businessman with a chain of boutiques to his name, often operated from his home office and Whitney was sure he would be in the office. As she barged in through the door of his office, she did a rumba style dance and she handed him the letter with the words “Guess what dear?”. To her chagrin his response hit her like a slap in the face as he said in an off-handed manner “Congratulations, I hope you realise that the C.E.O position does not extend to our home.” Whitney beat a speedy retreat to the kitchen, served him his lunch and retreated to her study to ruminate. She quickly surmises that mounting the saddle of corporate leadership poses its own challenges, especially for a woman. These challenges must be carefully navigated to be successful. She acknowledges that she possesses both the capabilities and capacity to function successfully but realises that she must maintain a balance with relationships that could also impact negatively or positively on her performance. She broke this into 4.

1. Her relationship with her spouse. This she considers to be of paramount influence on her performance at work because she needs to have peace of mind for optimal performance. That can only happen if the home front works and she receives the necessary support from Pedro. She senses that she needs to work on this relationship, stemming from his initial reaction to the promotion, by making him comfortable with it. After all, he will be expected to accompany her on official social events and invitations. If she however fails to receive his support, she may need to steel herself and focus on getting the job done regardless. She has never failed in any assigned role or responsibility hitherto and believes she knows how to engender Pedro’s cooperation and support.
2. Her relationship with her two children. Both Tina and Peter are in the university and have an awesome relationship with their parents. They are doing well and making their parents proud. She expects the situation to continue and that they would not be a cause for concern at work.
3. Her relationship with her peers. She had always experienced cordial relationships and support from her peers as she always exhibited team spirit. No man is an island and she realises the importance of teamwork in achieving desired results. In spite of competition, her excellent interpersonal skills place her in good standing with her peers and she intends to maintain it that way.
4. Her relationship with subordinates further down the corporate ladder. Being a proponent of the strength in Human resources, she realises that this cadre of personnel can make or mar her results so they require careful handling. She determines to be an empathetic strong leader who is able to communicate a clearly defined vision and have it cascade down the ladder. She knows that consistent achievement of results will build employee confidence in her abilities but it should not be to the detriment of the people.

She concludes that as a woman, she should expect greater obstacles to success than her male counterparts because she must carefully balance home and work while gaining the confidence of her employees in a male-dominated environment. She however determines that it is achievable and sets her mind to it.

Two years later, Whitney is celebrated as the best performing C.E.O in the group and she is proudly accompanied by Pedro and the children, to the celebration event.

Havilah notes here that new opportunities are often fraught with challenges, but if properly analysed and thought through, success is achieved.

Love

Havilah

Keji was a happy, bright, pretty and intelligent young lady in her final year at the university. She was loved by her parents Peju and Raheem and seemed to have everything flowing beautifully for her, that is until she was involved in a motor accident while traveling back to school via public means of transportation.

Peju, a teacher in a government-run secondary school was busy invigilating promotion exams when her mobile phone rang and she was given the news that Keji had been involved in an accident. She was petrified but was more concerned about the effect of the news on Dauda. He absolutely worshipped his “little princess” as he often referred to her. She hurriedly called him to inform him and they agreed to go together to the hospital.

At the hospital, both of them were requested to donate blood as Keji needed to be transfused. The hospital had checked her blood group and found it to be B+, a slightly rare type so they concluded that either of the parents would probably be compatible. To everyone’s consternation, both parents were found to be A+. How could parents with blood group A produce a child with blood group B? As the realisation of the situation dawned on Raheem, he quickly got into his car and left the hospital to have a drink and clear his thoughts before taking a decision on his next steps.

Peju, on her part, knew she could not face Raheem with the truth. How do you disclose to a man who is in his early sixties that his only child is not his biological child, especially one he loves so deeply? She decides to visit Brother Muri, Raheem’s eldest brother, to explain the unfolding scene. When she arrives at Muri’s in tears, she goes on her knees and informs him about what had transpired at the hospital and then she went on to reel out the explanation behind the scene. “Brother Muri, you will recall that for over ten years after marriage, we searched for the fruit of the womb and despite several prodding, Raheem refused to do any medical test. His excuse was that prior to marriage he had impregnated some ladies who had terminated such pregnancies. This put tremendous pressure on me and so I heeded the advice of an elderly friend of the family to have an extra-marital affair with the sole purpose of having a child to secure the marriage.

The opportunity came when Raheem was on Sabbatical leave to Burundi where I joined him. I had a brief relationship there and after I took in, I returned home to have Keji shortly before Raheem’s return. Subsequent attempts to have children with him failed but I remained faithful since we had one to call our own and his world revolved around her. The biological father never knew of the pregnancy as I cut off all links immediately after I got pregnant. You know Raheem is not someone I could have discussed this with and I thought my secret was secure until this… “the tears come cascading down again.

She blows her nose and continues “I really don’t know what to do, I am so confused brother, help me. If Keji gets to know I don’t know what to expect. My life is shattered and Raheem is devastated. Our hitherto happy home cannot be the same. Can he have the heart to forgive me as at the time, we couldn’t afford to attend fertility clinics and Raheem was uncooperative about medical intervention in any case”?

After berating Peju for what had transpired, Muri promises to convince Raheem to first get tested and then subsequently ask for God’s wisdom in dealing with the situation.  The next day, he accompanies Raheem for testing whereat it is confirmed that he is suffering from secondary infertility – chronic azoospermia – which having been left untreated had resulted in the inability to bear children.

If you are Muri, what would you advise given the ages of the persons involved and their close-knit relationship? Should Raheem cut his losses, go for treatment and try to start a new family or should he be encouraged to mend the cracks that have evolved in the marriage? How should he treat Keji? Should Keji be informed about the whole debacle when she recovers?

Havilah looks forward to reading your comments and possible advice on this situation. She is of the view that lots of counseling will be required from their religious leader and forgiveness will play a major part in the healing process.

Love

Havilah