Joy had been married for “two miserable years” of her life, as she always described it. A couple of months back, after turning things over in her mind, she decided to seek counsel from a colleague at work – Franca. Previous advice from her friends had failed to make a difference in her marriage as they had resulted in further estrangement. During her lunch break, she sought out Franca; over lunch, she poured out her pains interspersed with sobs. Franca listened in silence, without interruption as she ended her complaint with the following summary of her situation “ Honestly, Segun is so self-centred and inconsiderate. He lacks compassion and all he cares about is himself. I cannot even complain to his parents or siblings because they all revere him. They adore the ground he walks on, and he can do no wrong as far as they are concerned. It is so frustrating not having anyone to share my burdens with that can effect a change.”

At the end of the tirade, Franca smiled and in a gentle voice asked her colleague “Have you ever tried the simple remedy your name provides? While growing up, I was taught that JOY is an acronym for Jesus first, Yourself last and Others in between. That is my mantra, and it has consistently worked for me in all situations including marriage.” She sensed Joy’s confusion and continued “I will break it down. In every relationship whether at work, with family (both immediate and extended), at church, or socially, I put the situation first in Jesus’s hands. What does the word of God say concerning this? How would Jesus want me to react? That determines the way I would handle the situation. Next comes placing Others before self, but not to the detriment of my wellbeing. Whatever I can do for others that will not place me in jeopardy, comes next before considering my own desires or interest. By giving of myself, I open myself to receiving as God richly blesses me for putting others before self.”

She continued ” This has worked extremely well for me in my marriage with Nnamdi. My husband has learnt from me to also adopt the mantra of JOY and interestingly following that order brings inexplicable joy. When both of us consider each other before ourselves, I receive much more than I give him, and I am not just referring to material things. Before Nnamdi does anything, he considers me first. He runs ideas, propositions, etc. by me because he does not want to inconvenience me. I do the same also and that way, we have each other’s back. The relationship is seamless, and he takes care of my interest while I take care of his. The same goes for issues that relate to his family or mine. Mind you, it was not always this way, but I made a conscious decision to put him and his family before me and he learnt from it. That is not to say that there are no instances where we have differing opinions but by deferring to one another, we make the best of such situations.”

Franca ended her advice on the following note “Do you realise that if Segun is asked, he may have the same opinion about you, that you always want things your own way? You must learn to observe things through your husband’s lens and by example, teach him to do the same for you. Marriage is not a competition, sometimes we must “Stoop to conquer.”

A much happier Joy walked into the office today with a gift for Franca and a one-liner. “Thank you, Franca, it has paid off.” Franca walked around her workstation and gave joy a bear hug and peck on the cheek ending with “We thank God.”

Havilah observes that today there is a lot of emphasis on self-care to reduce stress levels and keep us happy. The focus should be on positivity, things that make us happy and maintains our mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and social stability. Strife at home is a key cause of stress, we must work to eliminate it.

Love

Havilah

Dumebi and Sotonye Harry, a beautiful couple in their seventies, were seated together reviewing their past and reminiscing about the memories shared over time. Without a cue, Dumebi’s thoughts shifted to their present realities even as she wondered about the future. Dumebi, fit and agile with her reasoning faculties very much in place, has been the main support for her husband in the past two years since being diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. Their four children have all dispersed abroad, in search of greener pastures and although the internet has made communication easier, she misses their physical presence. These days, the cost of living has escalated, and given that Dumebi has stopped driving coupled with Sotonye’s health status, she has had to review their lifestyle. She sees no need for maintaining a driver since outings are limited to the occasional social activity and Doctor’s appointments. She does most of her shopping close to home and uses the opportunity to exercise her legs and do some strength training carrying the grocery bags. She however has a trusted housekeeper, Mope,  who makes their meals and tidies up the house. Dumebi’s thoughts gravitate to how to cope during Mope’s planned three-month absence. She has to travel to another city to babysit her grandchildren as her daughter had just undergone surgery. Hmm…she realises the need to start thinking futuristically especially as Mope would have to leave someday.

Her thoughts drift to her bosom friend Maudeline and her recent experience regarding domestics. Maudeline returned home after a prolonged overseas trip with her husband and employed a new set of domestics through an agency. They were saved from sudden death by poison when the housekeeper reported to her madam (Maudeline) that she observed some suspicious activity on the part of the chef as she caught him administering some unidentifiable powder to their food after preparation. Maudeline, acting on the information, decided to feed their dog with a small amount of the food on the excuse that they had already eaten out. Shortly after, the dog displayed signs of weakness and ill health and was rushed to the Vet who confirmed poisoning. Needless to say, by the time Maudeline and her husband returned home, the Chef had absconded. The matter was reported to both the agency and police, but the Chef was yet to be found. Her thoughts return to her situation…she is becoming forgetful and increasingly incapable of coordinating the household…keeping tabs on the fuel position for the car and generator, juggling meals, keeping up with doctor’s and Specialist appointments, tracking bill payments, repairs and maintenance, and in general, ensuring the smooth running of the home. She would certainly need a capable hand or institution to run her affairs. While she feels assured that the children could adequately manage the financial implications, she worries about the administration especially as Sotonye is clearly incapacitated and unable to assist.

Suddenly, she remembers meeting a lady at a social event who runs a caregiving outfit and had marketed both their home care services and institutionalised live-in care for the elderly to her. She gives it some consideration and thought especially with the increasing wave of crime in the country and the heightened vulnerability of the elderly. She calls her friend Azuka and decides to sound her out on the idea of institutionalized live-in care for later years when it might prove difficult, to live on one’s own. Azuka’s response was “tufiakwa heaven forbid it! It is alien to our culture – an old people’s home? People will ask why your children cannot take care of you. Please banish the thought, my dear friend.”

Havilah is of the opinion that much as the concept of institutionalised live-in facilities for the elderly is a concept alien to the African culture, one must not ignore the emerging trend where a majority of the baby boom generation, have their children residing abroad and there is an increasing dearth of reliable assistance. Consequently, there is an emerging need for such Institutions to bridge the gap and ensure that the elderly are well taken care of and live relatively fulfilled, comfortable, and happy lives. Undoubtedly, as with everything in life, there are pros and cons and not everyone is fitted to the situation. However, it is important that while the aging still have the capacity to make decisions concerning their lives, this is one critical area that requires deliberation – what happens to me when I am no longer able to be in control of my life? Will I move from child to child, live with a particular one, or??? May the Lord help us to make the right decisions.

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL SENIORS DAY to all my “senior” audience! – August 21

Love

Havilah

As Inuayen pondered what to pack for her three-month overseas trip targeted at post-natal care for her second daughter Nse, and her newborn son, she found her thoughts drifting away. It was not a new role for Inuayen, but the circumstances were vastly different. Two years ago, while she was still in active employment, her first daughter Offiong had been put to bed. Offiong lived a mere 30-minute drive away and she had easily played the motherly role of “omugwo” without moving away from home. With an official driver and a housekeeper at her beck and call, it had been easy to navigate both homes while ensuring that her husband Etete, was covered.

However, with Nse having recently relocated abroad, it would prove a different ball game. Her concerns gravitated around navigating the unfamiliar terrain, especially without a driver and housekeeper. Thankfully, she was now retired and could afford the time, but she never traveled outside the country except in the company of Etete. They were inseparable. How would he cope with her absence for that length of time? This bothered her even though he had given his consent to her travel (albeit reluctantly). She wished she could have ceded this responsibility to Nse’s mother-in-law,  but alas, she had transitioned six months earlier.

Her thoughts shifted to one of her church friends, Iya Sewa, who had supposedly gone to help her daughter in Spain nine months ago when she put to bed. When she last chatted with members of their church society, Iya Sewa confided in them that she would stay for as long as the daughter and her husband would accommodate her. She was experiencing challenges in her marriage and saw the “omugwo” as a welcome excuse to be away from her home. Amidst pleas for her return, she responded, “Now Papa Sewa will appreciate what I do for him. He takes me so much for granted and constantly stresses me. I need the escape.” It had been a tug of war to obtain Papa Sewa’s consent which had only been possible through coercion from his siblings and extended members of his family. Iya Sewa had disclosed to close friends that she had prayed and thanked God, constantly looking over her shoulders until she was airborne en route to Spain. She could not believe that God had provided that route of escape from her misery at home.

Inuayen roused herself from her reverie to the present and sighed…”Different strokes for different folks I guess. After all, my sister, Koko is routing on having her husband tag along for the duration of her three-month stay with her daughter.” This is because her husband – Dipo had taken care of their two children as babies. He was experienced at bathing, feeding, and changing the babies’ diapers and could easily put them to sleep. If the care needed to be complete, they would share the responsibilities with her doing the household chores and caring for the mother while Dipo, would care for the baby. That would also take care of the loneliness they would both experience if they were away from each other for that length of time.

Postnatal care of mother and child by either the mother or mother-in-law of the new mother is a traditional African concept and usually lasts a minimum of three months during which time, the new mother is gradually transitioned into caring for the baby while allowed to regain her strength. The term “omugwo” though the igbo word describing the concept, has become widely used generically, across various other groups in Nigeria. However, with the increasing number of migrants, it is becoming increasingly challenging for both the new mother and the parents to effectively execute this post natal role. There is no one fit solution and mothers expected to play the “omugwo” role must apply wisdom and understanding depending on their unique circumstance.

To all the grandmoms and potential grandmoms out there, Havilah says…have a fulfilling “omugwo.”

Love

Havilah

It was the responsibility of Modinot to sweep the house and despite the urgings of her older sister – Ramota, she had ignored her chores, playing games with her friends. Suddenly, she looked up and noticed it was almost 8p.m and the house was unswept. Her mother was bound to be back in the next hour. Modinot picked up the broom and rushed through the house like a hurricane. Her mother would be furious if she met the house in that state and she knew she lacked any form of alibi in her sister-Ramota. She would receive the full brunt of her mother’s anger, which could be brutal. As she swept hurriedly, Ramota kept singing in her ears…”Stop sweeping Modinot it is night and Maami has always told us that sweeping at night is a taboo. It brings bad luck.” An argument ensued between the siblings but needless to say, Modinot continued with her task so that by the time Mother returned home, the house was clean. Ramota however reported Modinot’s misdeed to their mother. “Maami, she started, Modinot has just swept the house and you know you always instruct us not to sweep at night as it will attract bad luck.”

Maami , nodded her head and smiled,  “Actually, the story about sweeping at night attracting bad luck can be considered an old wives’ tale” but she went ahead to admonish Modinot and reprimand her for her actions.

After profuse apologies and undertakings on the part of Modinot, she summoned the courage to ask Maami, why nocturnal sweeping could be thought to attract bad luck.

Maami went on to explain as follows: “I will start with an explanation of “Old wives’ tales” and then explain the specific one about nocturnal sweeping and touch on other examples for you to understand fully. Meta AI defines old wives’ tales as those traditional stories, legends, or superstitions, passed down through generations, often containing folk wisdom, myths, or unproven claims. They frequently relate to health, relationships, weather, or everyday life. I remember when I was heavy with your pregnancy and visited my mother, she forbade me to go out of the house in the afternoon without attaching a pin or needle to my clothing, to ward off the evil spirits that roam about in the afternoon. “ Maami laughed and continued. “She believed that the sharp object would prevent miscarriage by cutting off every negative energy that could cause miscarriage and ensure safe delivery. Mind you, there is no scientific basis for this reasoning,  but it is borne out of a desire to protect pregnant women and their children from harm by repelling evil spirits and keeping them from the effects of the intensity of the sun. “

“Now to your specific question. In our culture, nocturnal sweeping is believed to attract ill luck with the following explanations –

• Spiritually, it is believed that ancestors and spirits are active in the night, so sweeping at that time may disturb or anger them, leading to misfortunes in such homes.
• Symbolically, sweeping away dirt at night may sweep away prosperity and good fortune from the home.
• Practically, it stirs up dust making vision and breathing difficult thereby causing illness and health complications. This is because at night, people tend to be in the environment and end up inhaling the dust.”

Undoubtedly, Old wives’ tales vary by society/community although some are more generic. Whichever tales we come across, there certainly are some learning points and/or truths involved that would benefit sections of society. We should therefore try to understand the reasoning behind such tale and not throw away the baby with the bathwater.

Havilah feels intrigued by some of these tales and would appreciate comments and possibly more content on this topic. Do you have Old wives’ tales to share/ I am all ears?

Love

Havilah

Chioma, a Grade 9 (Junior Secondary school 3) student, sauntered home with a distressed look. As she opened the kitchen door she came face to face with Grandma (who she fondly called “Gma”) and her distressed look was replaced by a wide grin, because Gma is her favorite person. Better still was the tantalizing aroma of her favorite meal- spaghetti and meatballs (Gma’s favourite recipe). Gma came in that morning for a weekend getaway with her daughter and grandchildren. Gma was very observant and never missed anything, so she had sensed her granddaughter’s mood, despite the grin. “Chichi darling, you must be mulling over something in that imaginative mind of years…Gma is here to share.” “Nothing Gma, not to worry” Chioma promptly replied but at Gma’s insistence, she spilled the beans.

“Gma, I took one of mummy’s tampons to school today so that Dedun (my friend) can show me how it is used. You know, mummy uses it, but I get to use only the sanitary pads/towels, so I mentioned it to Dedun who uses tampons, and she agreed to show me how they are used. While discussing its use in the washroom, the “Amebo” (gossip) of the class -Pero, came into the washroom. As expected, she reported us to our class teacher – Mrs. Anyanwu, who invited us to the staff room and after a stern lecture on the ills of the tampon, she requested that we write the sentence “Tampons are bad for girls, and I will never use them” a 100 times.”

Gma in a soothing voice, prompted Chioma to finish her meal, then asked “Does your mum know you took her tampon?” Chioma responded  “No Gma. I was simply curious because anytime I asked if I could use it, she would say…”Not yet.” Gma interrupted Chioma and asked “so do you realise it was wrong to take your mum’s possession without her consent…what does that amount to? That was wrong of you.” Chioma admitted that her action was wrong but was curious to know whether Mrs. Anyanwu was correct in her assessment of tampons.

Mrs. Anyaku has given the following reasons why tampons should not be used:

1. It destroys a lady’s virginity by breaking the hymen.
2. It can get lost within the body.
3. You cannot sleep with it in you as it becomes toxic.
4. It is not meant for minors. You must be an adult before you can use it.
5. It is the main cause of TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome) which can lead to death.
6. It increases the risk of endometriosis – a gynecological disorder.
7. It will be inconvenient as in order to urinate, it must be removed and reinserted.

Gma laughed and responded “What your teacher enumerated are common myths regarding tampons, but they are false. The tampon does not interfere with the urinary tract as it is inserted into the vagina. Similarly, the tampon cannot travel beyond the vagina although in exceedingly rare circumstances, it may require the assistance of medical personnel where the tampon is very deep in the vaginal tract. That said and done, what is a tampon? Tampons, like sanitary pads/towels, are disposable feminine hygiene products used during menstruation. Its use is a little more complex than the straightforward pad, which is placed on the underwear as it must be properly inserted into the vagina sometimes with the help of an applicator. Because it is inserted, it is not visible through clothing and can safely be used by sportswomen and swimmers. For reasons of hygiene, they must be changed within intervals of four to eight hours. Now that you know more about the tampon, I think you should wait till you are older, to use  a tampon as its use is more complicated. What better teacher than your mum…she will teach you when she figures the time is right.”

Chioma brightened up and asked Gma for a second helping of her favourite spaghetti dish.

Love

Havilah

I was visiting one of the cities in Europe a while back and was watching a women’s protest on abortion rights. Curiosity got the better of me and I moved closer to the protesters to get an understanding of their discontent. The country had recently passed a bill, legislating abortion and these group of ladies were protesting the passage of the bill claiming that the required public reading of the bill was bypassed which denied them the opportunity to be heard.

Given the passion with which they pursued their cause, I was moved to interrogate them about their reasons which were largely faith-based, and some were based on negative experience. One particularly intriguing one was the case of the leader – Aminat. Hear her.

“I lost my mother a few days after she birthed me, she was my father’s second wife, and I, her only child. I was left to the devices of my stepmother who would send me off to hawk wares in the nearby settlement. To reach there from where we lived, I had to walk through a deserted footpath. One evening at the age of sixteen, as I returned with the empty tray on my head, I was waylaid by two young boys who overpowered me and took turns in raping me. I had never seen or noticed them before. I thought I would die on that lonely path until I heard the voices of some women nearby. I managed to call out for help, and they cleaned me up and took me home. I recounted everything that had happened to my parents and life simply continued as if nothing had happened. After about three months, I was constantly sick, and it then dawned on my stepmother that I could be pregnant. On the advice of some of her friends, amid abuses and curses, she took me to the city for an  abortion.”

Aminat took a long pause and looked away as her eyes welled up with tears and when her gaze returned, she continued “Ma’am, fortune smiled on me and six years later, I married Hussein – my husband and benefactor, an angel in human form. I told him the story of my life and he accepted me as I was. However, challenges reared their head when I kept having miscarriages until I visited a gynecologist who made it clear to us that the abortion had damaged my womb. We were then forced to pursue an alternative source of having a child. Since we were both fertile, we agreed that we would recruit the services of a surrogate mother to carry the pregnancy to term and so we have a wonderful son today. Using a surrogate robbed me of the joys of experiencing my incubating foetus, the bonding that takes place from the womb as his heart was beating…his feeding habits as they could have impacted me, and so much more. That abortion stole that from me – I can never enjoy the total satisfaction of mothering my child. Do you understand? If only I had never had the abortion.”  I nodded in silence as I took in all her pain, and silently returned to my hotel room to ruminate over her story.

If Aminat had not done the abortion, she may have had the stigma and other pains associated with being a rape victim and rearing an unwanted “bastard.” On the other hand, if the abortion had not impaired her womb and she could give birth to other children, would she have felt the same about abortion rights? One is familiar with reasons given by pro-abortionists e.g. Health reasons, the right of the individual to determine what to do with their body, etc. but at the same time, I could understand Aminat’s pain. How many such Aminat’s are out there suffering in silence? Many are less fortunate than she has been. I prayed that Aminat would find peace in her mind and that the world would better understand the expectations of God regarding procreation. May the Lord help us all.

Love

Havilah

It is twenty years since Mama’s passing and Simi is fidgeting with a much-cherished relic…some waist beads, a generational heirloom inherited from Mama. Mama had been an extremely strong woman, a firm yet loving mother who had brought up three flourishing men and Simi her only daughter and last child. Simi was raised in an Upper middle-class setting and had attended choice schools with high levels of international exposure, she even attended a Finishing school in England and was well-positioned for life in the Upper class of society. Left to her doting father, there lay her future.

Mama on the other hand left no stone unturned to expose Simi to the other side of life. Household chores were never restricted to the hordes of stewards, maids, and cooks that milled around the house as she drilled Simi in home keeping techniques to the highest of standards. She would scrub, clean, handwash, and cook, anytime she was back home from Boarding school. While at school, she had no special privileges and learnt to manage the scarce resources Mama made available. In those times Simi thought she had it all figured out…Mama could not have birthed her yet treated her so harshly. One day, she would summon the courage to confront her into disclosing who her true mother was.

Precisely on the occasion of her eighteenth birthday, as if Mama had a prophetic unction, she called Simi into her room, shut the door and prayed for her from the depths of her heart. Thereafter, she sat Simi down and had a heart-to-heart discussion which left an indelible impression on Simi. She could recall every single word that was uttered.

“My dearest Simi, my alter ego. You may not believe it, but you are a better version of me, and I love you to the moon and back” Mama started. A startled Simi responded, “Hmm…but mum, that is hard to believe with all the hard work and austere conditions you made me face amid luxury. What a queer way to show love.”

Mama had smiled and placed Simi’s face in her hands thereby forcing her to look into her eyes. “Simi love, someday you will understand it was all for your good. It is my prayer that you marry into affluence, so you can have an easy life, but…que sera, sera – what will be, will be. What happens if things do not turn out quite as rosy or your family encounters a “wilderness experience” where you are forced to barely survive? I had to hone your coping skills so that you don’t fail in times of adversity.”

That was Mama for you – full of wisdom and importantly, it was a word of prophecy because three years into Simi’s marriage, her husband Bulus lost his business to fraudsters and their fortunes took a deep dive South. Thank God that Mama had prepared her for such a situation which enabled her to weather the storm while trusting God for a change. It had been fifteen years since and God had indeed been faithful, but the experience had made Simi appreciate Mama all the more. This appreciation is further heightened when she considers with sadness, the situation of her childhood friend, Sadia. Simi and Sadia had attended the same schools but unlike Simi, Sadia was spoilt silly. She was waited on hand and foot and never lifted a finger to do anything. She married into affluence but because of her lazy attitude, she was kicked out of the home. That set the stage for depression from which she is yet to recover.

Once again, Simi fingered the ancient heirloom and whispered “Thank you mama” before kissing Mama’s picture.

Havilah believes that our future is in God’s hands, and he alone knows the future. It is however, our responsibility to prepare as best we can for the future, so that we do not fall flat on our faces. Parents owe their children the responsibility of exposing their children to a BALANCED upbringing that can help them navigate in whatever waters (circumstances) they find themselves. We must realise that the answer to what the future holds for each child, lies with God. May the Lord help us in right parenting.

Love

Havilah