Nothing quite prepares most people for the relationship transition or transformation, when erstwhile ordinary friends turn to family through marriage. In some cases, one is perplexed or jolted and confused as to how to relate to the new family members who used to be just friends.

Jummai and Amina were course mates at the University and became quite close, visiting each other at home. It was during one of those visits to Amina’s house that Sulaiman, Amina’s close cousin met and showed interest in Jummai. Both eventually got married.

While Amina and Jummai were in school, Jummai had dated Basheer, a course mate. But Basheer wasn’t psychologically prepared to settle down when Jummai met Sulaiman, who was a little older and more mature. Even after getting married to Sulaiman, Jummai and Amina sometimes discussed Basheer. “Allah knows what’s happening to Basheer now” Amina once said, adding “Anyway, you’re now our wife. I wish him luck with another lady”, to which Jummai responded, “Yes indeed, I’m happy I met Sulaiman. I pray that Allah is kind enough to Basheer so he too can find a suitable life partner”. Both ladies always made sure that Sulaiman was not within earshot whenever they discussed Basheer. They both have been able to navigate their relationship, transitioning from being friends to becoming family.

Emeka and Chudi were the best of friends at the University and eventually got employed in the same organization. While in the University, Emeka had dated Nancy. They were both lovebirds on the campus, but while Emeka went to Yola for this mandatory national service, he was stunned to learn that Nancy got married to another man who came from abroad, and both traveled out. Emeka was distraught and for a long time could not consider any romantic relationship again. However, he got drawn to Chudi’s sister, Chioma who often served them whenever Emeka visited Chudi his friend. Chudi noticed, and told Emeka “Leave my sister alone o. We are both too close as friends to become in-laws. If something happens between you both, on whose side would I be?” he asked rhetorically, but Emeka responded, “You know me. Our bond of friendship would even get stronger, Chudi. It means I won’t do anything that would hurt you. We would have a double relationship as friends and in-laws”. It took a while, but since Chioma herself liked Emeka, they both got married and were happy together.

Wura and Atinuke were mates during their Advance Level studies and got even closer when they both gained admission to study at the same University. Wura’s male cousin, Segun often saw the two friends and showed interest in Atinuke. Wura was excited as she knew her friend to be a dutiful and homely person. She felt Atinuke would make a good wife for her cousin, and so enthusiastically encouraged the relationship. She did the matchmaking which ended in a happy marriage.

As time went on Atinuke started feeling uncomfortable addressing Wura by her first name as their Yoruba culture frowned at relatives’ wives addressing household members by name. Atinuke soon found a pet name for her erstwhile friend turned-in-law, and Wura too reciprocated by referring to Atinuke as “my sis”.

Have you found yourself in any of these situations when your friend became your in-law? How did you handle it? You may wish to share your experience with other readers.

ID

Love on behalf of Havilla. 

This is a topic that always draws divergent views from people, depending on who one is speaking with. Man is a social being, and therefore his/her conduct is bound to be viewed from divergent angles. Being complex, several organisations have had to draw up guidelines on interactions between members. For the purpose of this article, we are examining relationships between males and females in a work environment, which naturally can be controversial.

Take Lara and Emeka, both working in different departments of a top insurance company in the city. As a consequence of work related interactions they developed a relationship.One thing led to another and they started dating. Both Emeka and Lara were A-listers in their different departments, and the Human Resources Director had to call both in for a discussion having noticed their level of intimacy. “Emeka, it is no longer news that there seems to be a level of fondness between you and Lara. But as you both know, the office frowns at office romance because of the often ugly consequences which may impact negatively on general discipline. You may wish to consider the option of either of you resigning or being seconded to a sister organisation especially if you intend to have a closer relationship. Please take your time and let us know as quickly as possible.” After conferring with one another Emeka and Lara opted for the transfer of Lara to a sister company, got married and are blessed with two children.

The public sector on the other hand, does not interfere in the personal relationship between members of staff provided such relationship would not negatively impact staff discipline. This culture extends to the military and paramilitary services. There are however rules and regulations on conduct and what could be termed as misconduct. Acts of misconduct will always attract consequences. While the public service does not discourage interpersonal relationships, it frowns against sexual harassment of any form.

Tunde, a controller in a government agency in Kano, married with three children, was living alone as his family remained in Ibadan. He therefore regularly visited Ibadan in order to be with members of his family. He soon met Atinuke, a single lady senior executive in the same agency who was newly transferred from Lagos to Kano. Both met at the motor park one day and from their discussions realised a mutual challenge – loneliness. That was the onset of a romance that caused tongues to wag at the office. Since office romance was not considered misconduct, people minded their business. This was not for too long as Tunde’s wife unexpectedly barged into the office one day to lodge a complaint regarding a rumour that had filtered to her ears about the affair between her husband, Tunde and his colleague. It took some administrative expertise to douse the tension, and the Zonal Director helped to obtain transfer for Tunde to Ibadan, so as to be close to his family.   

In the case of Tamuno, a manager in the state ministry of agriculture who had recently lost his wife Abby in a fatal auto accident, he had to rely on his niece to help out with his two children. Tam, was good – looking and a dream husband for many ladies, but he was very careful to keep away from office romance.

Sotonye, a family friend and a close associate of Tamuno felt concerned for her family friend. “Tam, are you not considering settling down again? You can’t mourn forever.” “I know I won’t mourn forever, but it is not easy to socialise, especially having been away from the turf for some time” replied Tamuno.

“Have you ever considered dating someone, even in the office? There are quite a number of nice ladies from whom you can find a good companion and eventually a life partner” continued Sotonye. “It has never crossed my mind, and anyway, I’ll be the last to get involved in a scandal of sexual harassment. That will kill me”, Tam responded. “Of course, if it is mutually agreeable, there can’t be a case of sexual harassment, Tam” Sotonye replied. “There’s great difficulty in determining if a woman is interested in a relationship. A wrong move, and a man can be accused of sexual harassment” Tam replied haltingly. “You may be correct there Tam, but I’m a woman and I work in the HR Department. I know quite a few who give you the ‘come get me’ sign. If you look well, you’ll notice. However, it would be unprofessional for me to tell you that a specific person could be interested in you,” Sotonye encouraged.

So, this is the dilemma in office relationships. The scenarios and dynamics are as varied as the personalities and environment. Some end in bliss while others end in heartaches. Who makes the first move doesn’t necessarily determine who is more interested.

It would be nice to hear comments from our readers, what are your thoughts?

Love, ID.

On behalf of Havila   

               It is my pleasure to be a guest writer on this inspiring blog Havilla. Let me confess that I’ve been an avid reader right from inception and have gained tremendously from the rich lessons shared in the different episodes. It is indeed therefore a bit of a coincidence that I’m debuting on a topic not too different from where our dear Havilla stopped to take a much-needed break, Celebration of Women.

               I will be discussing the above title from a masculine perspective of the “Woman Wrapper”. This term is used to describe a man under the undue or negative influence of the woman around him, or someone who can easily be swayed by a woman; a mummy’s boy, or perhaps a lily-livered man who does not possess his own mind. In most cases, it is not complimentary. It suggests a boy/man who is tied to the apron strings of his mother/wife.

               However, experience has shown that nature is a good balancer. Most men are usually influenced by women in their lives: mothers, wives, sisters, and daughters.

Ronke is an only girl child among her four brothers. Their daddy was a strict person, and a mere look in the direction of the children was enough for them to swallow any request for favour from their daddy. As they grew, the boys noticed while they didn’t have the courage to ask for things from their father, Ronke could literally get anything by just asking from their daddy, and she was hardly ever refused. Therefore the boys devised a means of being nice to their sister who would be the one to place their requests before their father. The boys therefore discovered the key to getting their requests from their father was Ronke, their sister.

               In a similar situation, Ohita the first born and only female of five children is seen as the “second mummy” in the house in terms of influence. The younger brothers often if not always, seek her help whenever they need fovour from their father, especially if they need to attend parties. Experience has taught them that Ohita, their sister is the key to opening the door of possibility from their father, otherwise his response will likely be negative.

               Mothers are also very important and wield a lot of influence over their sons. In the Bible, we are told of the story of the first miracle performed by Jesus which was inspired by the mother. The story goes that during a wedding event, the hosts were running out of wine. I think experience had taught them that it was easier to reach Jesus whose help they sought, through his mother, Mary, than directly going to him. That was what they did, and the desired result was achieved as Jesus obliged his mother, and consequently, the request of the wedding hosts.

               Several examples abound of men who get approached indirectly through their mothers because of the influence people know these mothers wield over their powerful sons. Just look around, we have political and business titans and people have devised means of getting to them through their mothers.

               A complex interpersonal relationship involving a mother, her daughter and a powerful man can be found in the Bible story when a powerful King Herod sought to reward his stepdaughter for her dancing prowess and asked her to make any demand. The young girl ran to her mother for advice, and the latter responded that she should demand for the head of John the Baptist! The King was helpless as he could not change his word.

               However, it is not always that the influence of women on a man is negative. Let’s look at the situation of one of the most powerful men in recent world history, Barack Obama. He was raised by his mother after his father left them. The greatest influence on Obama was not even his mother but his maternal grandmother.  This was evidenced by the spectacle of Barack Obama in tears at the climax of his presidential campaign when it dawned on him that his influential maternal grandmother would not be alive to witness his swearing-in as President of the USA, which would have been a fitting reward for raising a remarkable man.

               Fast forward, Obama got married to an equally remarkable lady, Michelle Robinson, and both are blessed with two lovely daughters, Malia and Sasha. This is one great world leader whose source of immediate strength has been women, and there is not a speck of controversy in his conduct during and after his presidency, quite unlike many of his peers.

                One may therefore conclude this piece by saying it might actually be a good thing to be a “Woman Wrapper” particularly where the female influencer elicits positive energy from the man. Men tied with such wrappers, will not fall.

ID

All my love,

On behalf of

Havila

Havila wishes to appreciate ID who has not only been an avid reader of my blog but has often contributed his views, comments, and writing expertise in refining and shaping the course of my writing. I suddenly realized I needed some time away from the blog and would have “escaped for about a month, but ID volunteered to step in. For his intervention, I am indeed grateful, and I hope more of my readers will be willing to share their talents in this space as led to do so.

Two Sundays ago, I was seated next to Sally in church when the children from Sunday school/children’s church approached their parents in the congregation to hand over their Mothering Sunday gifts. As Gwen approached her mum with a wide smile and a hug, she handed over a beautifully painted card and whispered “Happy Mother’s Day mom.” Gwen responded with a smile and gently corrected…”Mothering Sunday, love.”

After the church service, at the car park, one of the children – Meme was asking his mum, “mummy, how come there are 2 Mother’s Day every year and only one Father’s Day?” His mother turned around and smiled with the words “aunty Havilah will address that question”. I gently parried the question with a promise to give a detailed answer the next Sunday. I needed to do some research. So the explanation which is replicated below is culled from fromyoutcome.com – The story behind Mothering Sunday and Mother’s Day.

Mothering Sunday is celebrated on the fourth Sunday in Lent especially across the United Kingdom and Ireland while Mother’s Day occurs on the second Sunday in May and is largely celebrated in the USA as a National day to celebrate mothers.

Mothering Sunday started off around the 16th century in the UK as a time when people returned to their mother church where they were baptised, their local parish or Cathedral. It later metamorphosed into a date when servants could meet with their mothers and family and get together, often picking flowers on their way to church to present as gifts to their mothers. This religious tradition evolved into the Mothering Sunday secular tradition of gifting mothers on the fourth Sunday in Lent.

In the early 20th century, Anna Jarvis held a memorial to honoured her own mother in her church in West Virginia, USA. This event marked the first official observance of Mother’s Day. In 1914, the President of the USA made a proclamation making the second Sunday of May as the official date of a national day to celebrate mothers.

Inspired by Anna Jarvis’ efforts, Constance Penswick-Smith created the Mothering Sunday Movement in the UK and started a renewal of the Mothering Sunday. That day became celebrated both as Mother’s Day and Mothering Sunday in the UK and Ireland. Both celebrations have therefore become mixed up and many people think they are the same thing. Most other countries outside of the UK and Ireland, celebrate Mother’s Day rather than Mothering Sunday.

Havilah hopes that this expose into the origins of the two days will give us all a better understanding. Nevertheless, whether it is Mothering Sunday or Mother’s Day, mothers deserve to be appreciated and celebrated everyday for the pivotal role they play in families. A toast to mothers!
Love

Havilah

Sessi sat all alone in the darkness of her bedroom oblivious of everything around her. She was deeply concerned about her mother’s health. Mama had shocked them all with her resilience after her father passed on some ten years before. They had been worried about Papa’s passing because the two of them were like conjoined twins…inseparable. Now, however, her state of health was worrisome, and although she had adequate funds in her account for medical treatment, the funds could not be accessed. Mama was mentally incapacitated as she could not even remember her signature and was unable to physically visit her bank. Sessi on her part had just expended huge sums in acquiring a property which had drained her finances while her younger brother Hotonu was just settling down having recently relocated with his family. Between them, they could not afford the medical bill for Mama. As she pondered the way forward, she remembered how several years ago, she had come home bustling with vigor and ideas from a seminar she had attended on – preparing for old age.

She had shared the information learned with enthusiasm but the response across the room from her parents and only sibling had been deafening silence. Later. Hotonu had castigated her for what he termed “Insensitivity.” “Come on sis, who in the world discusses preparing for death?” he had asked. The seminar had identified Health Insurance as a necessity for the aging and aged as statistics had shown that medical bills constitute a large spend for the aged. It also discussed the need to have a co-signatory to bank accounts to smooth hiccups from irregular signatures and a situation where the original owner of the account may not easily access his/her funds as a result of disability or even death.

As she reminisced, she recalled the example of a lady whose father had died simply because they could not rapidly access the funds in his account because of disability. On the other hand, someone had mentioned that his father had requested that he be buried within a week of passing and one of the children had since been made a cosignatory, making accessibility to funds seamless. It was therefore easy at the father’s passing to access funds needed for his burial. The issue of wills, trusts, and deeds of gifts were also discussed regarding the devolution of properties to beneficiaries of a deceased person.

Sessi dragged herself back from her thoughts to the reality on the ground. What would she do about Mama’s situation? She could not just fold her arms and watch. What was most painful was the fact that the funds for treatment were available in Mama’s account but could not be accessed. If for that reason Mama could not be treated and passes on, she doubted that she could live with that on her conscience. She purposed to make a case at the bank and an appeal to enable access to the funds for her treatment. If only Mama had made her a co-signatory when her health started failing, it would have been a different story now. Was it an issue of mistrust, ignorance, or just a refusal to accept the obvious? Whatever the reason, she knew better now and purposed to harness her training and exposure to prepare herself for aging and, ultimately death.

The recalcitrance towards discussing death and considering it a taboo will need to change. Quite often within the African setting, people consider discussing issues relating to death or preparing for death as a taboo. However, as Shakespeare put it in his epic book Julius Caesar, – “It seems to me most strange that men should fear, seeing death, a necessary end, will come when it will come.” Truth be told, preparing for old age and/or death, only eases the flow both for the aging and their caregivers/children. May the Lord grant us the wisdom to do the right things at the right times and expose us to relevant information for our circumstances.

Love

Havilah

Dunni, was a mid-level manager with a multinational company up until the Company decided to shut down its operations in her country of residence. With the looming recession, she knew it would be an uphill task to get a similar job. Both the microeconomy and macroeconomy were in dire straits and she was in confusion as to what to do. She had three children in secondary school and her husband’s engineering firm had taken a severe battering from the battered economy. Her parents had since passed, and she had a lot of dependants in the person of her siblings. Today, she celebrates ten years of running a successful clothing line. She casts her mind back to how it all started as she addresses her audience, gathered to celebrate with her. She is in visibly high spirits as she starts:

“During the recession, having lost my job, rather than wallow in self-pity, my brain did a reset and I remember thinking along the following lines:

1. The children would need to become day students to reduce the school fees.
2. I would need to resume driving myself and relieve myself of the cost of maintaining a driver.
3. I must earnestly seek God’s face regarding what I could do, and the answer stared me right in the face – I had always had a passion for designing clothes.”

Dunni had always stood out in her designs which she gave to her favorite tailor who was meticulous and paid attention to her every detail. Her friends had always envied her elegant style which was always in tandem with the occasion. From her secondary school days, she had always designed her clothes and would sketch every detail of the style she intended to sew. Her designs were brilliant as they considered body shape, colour of fabric, design, and texture of fabric as well as the occasion for which the outfit was intended. She had brought all these parameters to bear in her brand which was highly personalised and further considered the personality and skin colour of the individuals in addition.

She had started the business by selling her service to her circle of influence who had always admired the way she was attired. These were mostly colleagues and friends in her church, societies, professional circle, etc. The more she satisfied her customers, the wider her reputation grew until she not only sustained her family but was able to set up a fashion institute for training young people.

As she rounded up her story, she advised the young persons in her audience ” Never give up on yourself. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. A recession or depression is an opportunity to unleash the tiger in you and boldly follow your passion. Undoubtedly, there will be challenges faced as you embark on a start-up, but if you keep at it relentlessly, putting in ingenuity and effort, your efforts will be rewarded. If at first you do not succeed, try, try, try again”. She further encouraged the youth “to embark on multiple streams of income and not wait till they were boxed into a corner by the loss of a job or a depressed economy. Start a side hustle preferably related to a passion or talent and commit it to God’s hands for growth.”

Havilah opines that in times like this when there is global inflation and financial crisis, it is important to think outside the box for solutions to economic and financial challenges. While committing our plans into God’s hands, introspection into discovering our God-given gifts and talents is important. There is no one without a gift from God. Let us discover/uncover our gifts and use them.

Love

Havilah

Last week I went with a friend, Nkoli to visit Aunt Ndidi, (Nkoli’s mum and a particularly good friend of my late mother). Aunty Ndidi at 89, looks vibrant and well looked after and I was happy to see her after quite some time. We had a wonderful conversation as she was in high spirits reliving her youth and some of the events in the country at the time. Although Nkoli had earlier warned me that Aunt Ndidi may not recognise me I was pleasantly surprised that she did and immediately asked about her old friend, my mother. I immediately reminded her that mom had passed about 5 years before and that she, Aunt Ndidi had been involved in the funeral arrangements, for which I am eternally grateful. She however continued to request that I ask her to see her and that they probably would visit another of their mutual friends to which I played along as nudged by Nkoli. I ended with,” I will bring her over soon. We will arrange it …Nkoli and I.” I assumed the memory of the loss of her friend was too much for her to process and decided to change the subject matter as I asked what she had for lunch. Her response left me speechless…” My daughter, I have not eaten anything today” she replied. It was already 4 pm and I searched for what to say, I caught hold of Nkoli’s wink and quickly followed her into the adjoining room. We barely entered the room before I whispered “Nkoli, what is going on” to which she replied “Havilah, hmm…Mama was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease which affects her cognitive abilities. Her memory and some other brain-related functionalities are impaired.”

I took a deep breath and recalled that another friend’s dad 10 years ago was miraculously brought back home by a good Samaritan who recognised him, after wandering around for 24 hours. He was thoroughly, dehydrated, dishevelled, and hungry. He had left home unaccompanied and unannounced the previous day, ostensibly to take a walk. Somehow, he had lost track of place and time and could not find his way home. It was later discovered that he had dementia at the age of seventy-four! I remember thinking then, this is scary.

The more I pondered the subject of dementia and its attendant impact, especially on the loved ones who are closely related or affiliated with the patient, the more I purposed to research this increasingly prevalent condition for the purpose of awareness. The below summation on the subject is culled from Mayoclinic.org:

Dementia is caused by damage to or loss of nerve cells and their connection to the brain. Though dementia is not a part of normal aging, the chances of developing dementia increase with age, especially after age 65. However, younger onset dementia may occur in younger persons even as early as 30 years. The condition results in impaired cognitive abilities or difficulty in making decisions that interfere with everyday activities. Early signs of dementia are memory loss, difficulty in concentrating, difficulty with familiar daily tasks, struggling to follow conversations or find the right words, being confused about place or time, and mood changes, among others. While there is no known cure for dementia, the symptoms are dependent on the area of the brain that is affected. Dementia can however be corrected where the damage is caused by deficiency in certain vitamins and minerals. In such cases, treatment is possible. It is therefore important to take vitamin and mineral supplements as we age, in order to make up for deficiencies that may arise from diet.

Dementia is considered a degenerative disease and may be linked to changes in some genes which can be discovered through testing. Three of the more common forms of dementia are mentioned below:

1. Alzheimer’s which is the most common. This can be inherited. It is genetic.
2. Vascular which is caused by damage to blood vessels supplying the brain. It impacts problem-solving, slowed thinking, and loss of focus and organisation.
3. Lewy body dementia which involves acting out dreams in sleep, visual hallucinations, tremors, uncoordinated slow movements, and stiffness (Parkinsonism).

RISK FACTORS THAT CAN NOT BE CHANGED ARE:

1. Age – usually above 65
2. Family history. However, people with a family history may never develop symptoms and vice versa.
3. Down syndrome usually experiences early-onset dementia.

RISK FACTORS THAT YOU CAN CHANGE

1. Unhealthy lifestyle. A healthy  lifestyle involving a diet rich in nuts, seeds, whole grains, fish, oils, and exercise can lower the risk of cognitive decline.
2. Drinking substantial amounts of alcohol. Reduction in alcohol consumption can reduce the risk which is associated with consuming substantial amounts of alcohol.
3. Cardiovascular risk factors e.g. obesity, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, atherosclerosis, and smoking. Treatment and stoppage of smoking can address the risk.
4. Late life depression.
5. Air pollution from exhausts and burning wood.
6. Head trauma from injury, Sleep problems and disturbances, Low levels of vitamins and minerals especially vitamins D, B-6, B-12, folate etc.

It is therefore important to pay attention to our health as we advance in age to enable graceful aging and to commit the process into the hands of our God.

Love

Havillah

Inemi was taking a brisk walk down a busy street in her neighbourhood to pick up some fruits for her breakfast when she walked past a sight that caught her attention. There was a young man whose age she would place in the mid to late thirties, perched casually on a stool by the side of the road watching passersby. His eyes however fastened on a very pretty girl of about the age of six as she walked in the company of an older sibling to school. He practically drooled as the lust in his eyes was palpable and he seemed to shift in his pants. Inemi could feel the bile rise in her as she viewed him with disgust and could not help reprimanding him for staring after the little girl. Her mind quickly did a replay of what had happened about ten years prior, to her darling daughter – Ebiere.

Inemi had sent for her younger brother, Diepreye, from the village to join her in the city after high school, in order to give him the opportunity to work while awaiting admission into the University. He had immediately taken interest in her daughter Ebiere who was 8 years old at the time and soon became fond of her little uncle. She had thought nothing of the mutual fondness until Diepreye had to leave for the University in another city. Ebiere wept her heart out and refused to eat for days. Inemi was so disturbed that she decided to take Ebiere to a child psychologist. After two sessions, the cause of the distress was unfolded. Diepreye had introduced Ebiere to some sexual pleasures for which he spoiled her with chocolates and other things. She not only missed the gifts but had started enjoying the sensual feeling she derived from his actions. She had to put her young daughter through therapy and was always watchful around her until she felt confident that she had overcome the trauma.

She had also been forced to excommunicate Diepreye from her immediate family but not until she had confronted him about the situation. He of course denied having any sexual attraction to his niece how much more indulging in sexually suggestive actions with her. However, when he was threatened with swearing before the village shrine, he immediately fell on his knees and confessed his actions. Inemi sent him back to the village and initially demurred to paying his university fees but later relented on the decision. She then agreed to sponsor his education but insisted that he keep his distance from her home. This of course had raised a lot of brouhaha in the village as her action was viewed by some as justifiable while others felt she overreacted. All this happened 10 years ago and both Ebiere and Inemi had since moved past that. Inemi could not however get over the venom that flowed from Ebiere’s father – Obu, who had since refused to visit her family in the village.

This recent incident got her thinking – there is a lot of sympathy and outrage for victims of paedophiles but very little understanding as to why paedophiles exist. She decided to venture into understanding the causes of paedophilia, the telltale signs at an early stage and what can be done to restrain them or curtail their activities.

Paedophilia is a psychiatric/psychological disorder for which there appears to be no known cure. It is however believed that most paedophiles are themselves victims of childhood trauma whether sexual or otherwise. While most reported or discussed cases involve female children, males can also be victims of paedophiles. Both males and females can suffer from the disorder although it appears to be more prevalent in men.

Havilah’s advice to parents is to be watchful as paedophiles exist everywhere…in school environments, in the family, among aides and caregivers, even friends. The Mental Health Centre of America lists the following as some of their characteristics:

Preference for the company of children and popular with them.

“Grooms” children with quality time, parties, candy, gifts toys etc.

Singles out children who seem troubled and in need of attention or affection.

Rarely forces or coerces a child into sexual contact but rather by developing trust and friendship.

Derives gratification in several ways from looking to watching children undress to physical contact.

They prefer jobs or pastimes that give them greater access to children.

Parents, grandparents, and guardians should always be watchful of their children and be very observant of their children to enable them to pick up any changes in character. May the Lord help us all.

Love

Havilah

It’s another Valentine’s Day and as I thought about what to write for today, suddenly I realised Oh, it’s Valentine’s! I recall my chance meeting with a petite middle-aged lady last year’s Valentine’s Day. We met at Cherubic Saints orphanage where I had accompanied a friend for investigations on the adoption process. Christine, as she introduced herself with a smile and an outstretched hand, had such a pleasant and interesting personality. I was so taken in by the charm she exuded and the fact that she had thoughtfully packaged red tee shirts for the workers at the orphanage and accompanied them with sacksful of assorted goodies for the children in the orphanage. I voiced my admiration for her generosity, and she gave me the background to her interpretation and expression of Valentine’s Day.

Christine’s narrative: I had always enjoyed the gifts and outings my husband showered on me on Valentine’s Day until he was called to the heavens 5 years ago. The first Valentine’s Day after that was so sad and lonely as I missed him so much on that day. The next year, the children opened my eyes by expressing their love for me in a unique way. They gave me a treat I will never forget that etched the love they have for me deeply into my subconscious. In my part of the country. Children are referred to as “my husband” and they indeed played the part on his behalf. My children had cut fresh flowers from the garden and made a beautiful bouquet which they placed in a beautiful vase and brought up to me with my favorite tea, in bed. What a beautiful wake-up moment. When I was done and walked into the bathroom to take a bath, they had transformed the mood and ambiance, of the bathroom. They had placed some swirling-coloured lights, and scented rose petals on the floor and had run the bath and placed a book and my favorite drink beside it. I was enthralled but confused. It wasn’t my birthday…what was going on? Then it hit me like a thunderbolt…It was Valentine’s Day! I was so overwhelmed, that tears of joy cascaded down my cheeks and as I stepped into the kitchen, I found a beautifully laid out breakfast, prepared by hands of love from hearts of love. Honestly, they blew my mind. I saw Valentine’s Day from a new perspective…not just receiving expensive gifts and outings, but rather a day to show true love through innovative giving. I soon realised that what the children did was not expensive but was VERY THOUGHTFUL and required ingenuity and giving of themselves from the heart.

So, the next Valentine’s Day, I sought to bring joy to those I see sweeping the streets – an important labour that is hardly rewarded adequately. I cannot forget the smiles, prayers, and gratitude that my giving elicited on that day. If only we would take that day to truly share love because all men are deserving of love. The holy book says we should love God first and next, love ALL humanity.”

As I left the orphanage that day, I determined to ensure that I share the love with others as often as possible and at least on the 14^th of February each year. Christine left her imprint on me; I hope she does on you too. Remember, it does not have to be expensive, merely ingenious. Is it making an uncommon dish and giving people in packs? Or those clothes hanging in your wardrobe unused for years? There is no limit to what can be done to put a smile on people’s faces and joy in their hearts. When we truly understand what love is about, we will experience joy unending and the peace that passes all understanding. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

Love

Havilah

Amoni and Bolurin were key members of the Kingdom Life Parish choir where Bolurin played the guitar and Amoni led praise worship. Both were very active members of the church and complemented each other very well. A formidable friendship developed between them as they always sat next to each other at the various church programs and were always attentive. Gradually, their friendship blossomed into courtship and after a series of marriage counseling by their ebullient Pastor and mentor – Pastor Harry, they tied the nuptial note amid many felicitations. Many of the youth in the church looked forward to a similar fate and considered theirs a union that was “made in heaven.”

Bolurin was the perfect husband and within a year, the couple was blessed with a beautiful daughter – Itare. Amoni felt truly blessed and put her best into ensuring a stable and happy home for her young family. She always radiated joy and was loved by all her in-laws.

However, one fateful day, about three years into their marriage, Amoni was cleaning the room and found some strange objects under their matrimonial bed. She pondered in her mind as she turned them over in her hands…they looked like some kind of charm, a small wooden effigy with her passport photograph attached. No…she thought. I must be dreaming. It cannot be what I am thinking. There must be a logical explanation to this she mused as her thoughts raced on. Could this be the reason Bolurin preferred to clean up the room himself? He would always volunteer to do so at the weekend while she was busy in the kitchen or doing the grocery shopping. They had never kept anything from each other or at least so she thought, and so she resolved to confront him with her latest find.

Later that evening after treating him to his favorite meal of fufu and melon soup (egusi), she surfaced the effigy and gently demanded “Bolurin, what is this and what was it doing under our matrimonial bed?” Bolurin was dumbstruck and the much-expected response failed to form as he struggled with how to explain. Eventually, he found his voice, and with feigned rage to cover his embarrassment, he yelled…” Why were you nosing around? Why were you looking for what is not lost?” This response irked Itare and their first really serious argument ensued. Bolurin lost his composure and told her in no uncertain terms that there was nothing wrong with ensuring they remained together and that before their marriage, he had taken the names and pictures of three girls he had considered as alternatives to becoming his potential wife to some diviners and prophets and each one had picked her as the perfect match. “Has not the marriage worked?” He asked.” I was told to always keep that effigy under our matrimonial bed to ensure that the love remains evergreen.”

A stunned Amoni kept staring at Bolurin as bile welled up in her bowels. She felt like retching and quickly dashed into the bathroom. “Who is this man I have been living with? How could I have missed this part of him? What kind of Christian is he? He appeared to exhibit all the outward signs of Christianity and was versed in all the doctrines but then…this…how does it relate with what he professes? What else has he done which contradicts the faith he professes…Hmmm,” she sighed and came out into an empty room to find that Bolurin had already taken his car keys and she could hear him revving his car engine as he drove out. She pondered her next steps and decided she would have a long discussion with their pastor the next day. She needed to know what Bolurin genuinely believed and what other steps he had taken, for her sanity’s sake. She knew she was strong, and the Lord would help her overcome the shock, but she also needed to know her next steps. She remembered the scripture…Can two walk together except they agree? Could they come to terms with their beliefs? She knew where her faith lies but she now doubted that Bolurin felt the same way. With all he knew about the Christian faith and walk, could she reasonably expect a change? It meant he had pretended to believe all along, how much else about their relationship had been pretense? Was this enough basis to call for a separation or was it a call for soul winning? Just then she realised that little Itare(their daughter) had been waiting by her side for her bedtime story and a goodnight kiss. Amoni shook herself out of her reverie to do the needful. Certainly, Pastor Harry had enough experience to guide her aright, and even if only because of little Itare, she decided to give the marriage her best shot.

If you were Pastor Harry, what would you advise?

Love

Havilah