faith

AGEING WITH GRACE

/ Motunde Dada / 2 Comments

Two high school friends Dehinde and Bodunrin found themselves side by side in the same hospital ward and were pleased to catch up after several years of not having contact. As Bodunrin exclaimed, “Dehinsman, where have you been? I cannot believe this is you after so many years. How long has it been….55 plus years? By the way, Faramade should be visiting me here in another two hours or so. He will be thrilled to see you”, he continued. After that, the two of them went into a long discussion, catching up on happenings and the whereabouts of classmates with whom they were in touch. As the discussions progressed, they shared experiences, but one common thread was inadequate preparation for the aging process, particularly as it relates to challenges regarding health, finance, and self-care/love.

Dehinde was the first to bemoan his situation. Having lost his first wife at the age of sixty and unable to cope alone, his family had insisted that he remarry. He ended up with Bisola (his current wife), who bore him a son, Mobolurin. Mobolurin, who is now thirteen, is an intelligent child and livens up his day, but he is greatly concerned about providing his financial needs, especially as his pension, which barely meets their living expenses. In the past fifteen years, the pension has remained static, oblivious of inflationary trends in the economy. It gets more difficult to cope by the day, and with the added burden of his health challenges, it gets worrisome. Dehinde recently had brain surgery, impacting his nutritional and medical needs, which have placed additional pressure on his finances. “I wish I had envisaged the situation and prepared adequately. More disturbing is the fate of my young son”.

Bodunrin nodded in acquiescence. “I agree with you Dehinsman. If anyone had told me years ago that I could end up with prostate cancer requiring so many procedures, laboratory tests, and medications, I would have doubted. Healthcare is probably one of the most important needs of aging and is extremely expensive to manage. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer some five years ago, and it has been a challenging and expensive journey since then. It has been chemotherapy, radiotherapy, periodic tests, and medications. All the hospital visits and laboratory tests I ran away from in years past eventually caught up with me when I had the diagnosis. To alleviate some of the symptoms, I have had to support my treatment with alternative medicine to improve my well-being. None of these comes cheap. I thank God for a supportive family, especially the children who have been impressive in providing financial assistance, without which I would probably not be here today”.

As Bodunrin rounded up, they both looked towards the door of their shared space, as if on cue, Faramade breezed in with springy steps. He had just returned from a Mediterranean boat cruise with his wife, children, and grandchildren. He appeared to be in the best of health as he pulled up a chair to sit beside Bodunrin. As he sat down, Bodunrin introduced him to Dehinde, whom he had not seen since they all left high school. Faramade peered at Dehinde before yelling, “Dehinsman, is this you?” The trio then reminisced about school days when Dehinde used to rule the tracks, representing the school in relay races. Dehinde shook his head in amazement as he asked Faramade for the secret behind his youthful agility, to which he replied jokingly, “It is arguing each case with my wife.” He then went on to explain that God had blessed him with good health, except for the occasional aches and pains, and he did not take it for granted. Nevertheless, on his own part, he managed his blood pressure and diabetes by taking his medications and doing his medical check-ups as needed. He explained that he had been a protagonist for check-ups and follow-up treatments over the years. His advice to his friend, Bodunrin had always fallen on deaf ears as he was considered obsessed with health and spent too much of his resources on healthcare, eating right, playing golf, and self-care. He concluded by stating that the aging process must be prepared for from all angles – spiritually, financially, health consciousness (healthy nutrition, habits, and exercise), self-care and emotional wellbeing. All these impact on one’s comfort in old age and with God on one’s side must be carefully planned for.

The three friends nodded in agreement and went on to discuss the proposed set anniversary scheduled to be held soon.

Love

Havilah

RELINQUISHED RESPONSIBILITIES?

/ Motunde Dada / Leave a comment

Sunday was another Father’s Day, and Fathers were celebrated worldwide. As I listened to the charge for the day at my local church, I could not help but ponder a few things. A quick summary of the charge is required to enable you to connect the dots. The message to men highlighted their responsibility from three dimensions:

  1. Responsibility to family. The biblical instruction to provide for their family was stressed.
  2. Love for their wives.
  3. Raising their children with love and guidance rather than anger and frustration.

While ruminating over the charge later that day, I remembered two families who, some years back, had been acquaintances of mine at various times. My attention was drawn to the first responsibility, from the charge i.e., provision for the family.

The Bello family was a family of four comprising mother,  father, and two children. Mrs. Bello was the sole financial contributor to the family as her husband believed that, since she was financially capable, he should leave EVERYTHING to her – House rent, electricity bills, school fees, maintenance of the house, cars, etc. Whatever he earned was spent entirely on himself, and he saw no reason to do otherwise. While shirking his responsibilities towards his family, he still insisted that she fulfil hers in terms of household chores and mentoring the children. This continued for years with the wife bearing all responsibilities grudgingly. However, after the children left home, she filed for divorce, and it was only then that Mr. Bello realised his folly. When questioned about his reason for abdicating his responsibilities, he said he felt it was only fair that the person with the better financial package bear the responsibility, after all, the two had become one. His response was, “God continued to bless her, but things were not working out for me.” Mrs. Bello, on the other hand, explained that in the early days, she had implored him to put whatever little he had down for running the home, but all her pleading was ignored. She had then struggled to meet up with the responsibilities and found that over time, she received favour in all her endeavours, and things turned around positively. I then counselled him that “relinquished responsibilities result in relinquished blessings,” and because there is no vacuum in nature, God raised up his wife to fill the vacuum. It was a learning point for Mr. Bello as he was determined to right the wrongs by taking up responsibility for the home. Luckily. Mrs. Bello was ready to give him another chance.

For the Gbenros, it was an analogous situation in which Mrs. Gbenro was largely responsible for most of the spending. Unfortunately, despite Mr. Gbenro’s efforts, he was unable to secure a job. He, however, accepted employment far below his level to enable him to contribute to the family’s finances. He was not lazy and assisted in every way he could, thus winning the love and respect of his family. It was never evident to third parties who provided the finances, and the Gbenros exuded love. About 15 years into the marriage, fortune smiled on Mr. Gbenro, and he was blessed and favoured with employment that more than made up for the lean years. Obviously, he never relinquished his responsibilities even in the lean years. He had his challenges, but he did the best he could and earned the love, understanding, and cooperation of his wife.

Although today’s message may be tagged a Father’s Day message, it applies to all parents…RELINQUISHED RESPONSIBILITY ATTRACTS RELINQUISHED BLESSINGS. May we all be guided to play our roles.

Love

Havilah

SMITING THE LIVING FOUNTAINS

/ Motunde Dada / 2 Comments

A couple of months ago, I was invited to a Community hymn singing in a traditional Anglican Church, and as we sang the hymn, “Father hear the prayer we offer” written by Love M. (Whitcomb) Willis, the wordings of the third stanza caught my attention…”Not forever by still waters do we ask our way to be, BUT WILL SMITE THE LIVING FOUNTAINS FROM THE ROCKS ALONG OUR WAY.” I pondered on what she could have meant. Undoubtedly, this bears a relationship to the biblical miracle in which Moses struck water from a rock for the Israelites in the wilderness. How would that relate to us today? Is it possible to obtain water from a rock? Certainly, there are aquifers which are rocks that contain groundwater and can be accessed through drilling and pumping. However, drilling is hard work so I believe the concept Madam Willis had, was that strenuous effort will be applied to achieve the goal. As the concept became clearer, the life of Satu played before me.

Satu, is the only child of a widowed mother who had struggled hard in their little village to give her an education. However, she could not finish her secondary school education as a result of lack of funds, so she was given out in marriage at the earliest possible time. Her husband worked as a Cordwainer (shoemaker) with one of the shoe manufacturing outlets in the city. In the city, young Satu enrolled with the famous Pitman’s College for secretarial studies, specialising at the time in typing and shorthand. Armed with certification, she located an employer who typed on a busy street and was agreeable to a sharing ratio on jobs she executed. Satu was enthused and put in her best as she strove to augment the young family of four’s expenses. One fateful day, fortune smiled on her as she typed. She was approached by a bank official who had observed and admired her diligence from afar. He observed her as he took his lunch every day at an eatery down the road from where Satu operated. The officer was saddled with the responsibility of recruiting contract labour to type certain documents on a one-off basis. Needless to say, Satu impressed the bank and when they needed to recruit a permanent staff, she was given the opportunity.

Immediately Satu got her foot in the door, her determination and doggedness to succeed and offer her children a much brighter opportunity than she had experienced, took root and she did all necessary examinations, culminating in an admission to read Law on a part-time basis in one of the prestigious universities in the city. She plodded through the challenges of balancing work, home and school and graduated without any carryovers or delays. One would have expected Satu to relax, after all, she earned a reasonable income and was able to single-handedly educate her children to university level, but not so with Satu. She was insatiable. She set her sights on becoming  a professional. After her children were through with their university education, Satu attended the Law School and was called to the country’s bar. Did she stop…No. Satu went on to train as a Chartered administrator and so after retirement, the little village girl has expanded her horizon, lives on her own property in the city, runs a thriving practice, and visits her children and grandchildren who are currently in the diaspora.

Her story is indeed one huge success story born out of God’s favour and grace, coupled with a determination backed by positive action toward achieving her goal.

Back to Ms. Willis hymn, we can and should be encouraged to smite the living fountains from the rocks along our way. May the Lord grant us empowerment to fulfil our dreams.

Love

Havilah

THE DESERTED ROSE GARDEN

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As I hurried up to Belema’s place to pick up the special rose bouquet I had ordered for Valentine’s Day for my parents, I sat down to a cup of Chamomile tea and a quick chit-chat while the bouquet was being arranged. I couldn’t stop commenting on the healthy beautiful array of roses and the lovely fragrance from the garden which was close to the kitchen window. Belema smiled and took a deep sigh after which she interrupted my comments with the following, “Hmmm…when I think of how this garden started, I cannot but marvel at how God turns things around for good. Some thirty-odd years ago, I recognised the fact that Diepriye, my husband, was never available for us to bond. Shortly after our honeymoon, he was always out with the boys till late and I hardly saw him whether on weekdays or weekends. Initially, I attributed it to the fact that he had lived a bachelor’s life for long and was struggling with adapting to the concept of being married. This however persisted for about two years, so I decided it was time to read him the riot act. I threatened to leave if he continued with his attitude of abandonment and the Lord laid it on my heart to analyse marriage using a rose garden. This is what I said.”

“ Marriage is like a rose garden that blossoms with beautiful flowers and a sweet fragrance that beautifies everything around it. It evokes a peaceful and happy ambiance where everything thrives. Everything about the rose garden adds beauty, it attracts beautiful butterflies to it. Even the thorns were purposely created to defend it from external threats by invaders and predators. However, grooming the garden requires conscious effort in weeding, pruning, watering and generally tending it to achieve the desired results. I further explained that a rose garden that is abandoned or untended will undoubtedly fail to blossom over time and its fragrance will fade. It becomes a bush filled with unwanted and undesirable shrubs, weeds, and plants. The effort required to reinstate it to its previous state is double, entailing a lot of hard work in clearing the bush, replanting, tending, and watering. It is a begin-again approach and may not even yield as beautiful a garden as the earlier one.”

“Diepriye clearly understood the message and made a conscious effort to make himself available for communication and bonding opportunities thereafter. He it was who then mooted the idea of planting a rose garden to always keep himself in check. It is a reminder of what he almost lost and serves also as a place where we can both invest our time and ideas in tending the garden, while at the same time, tending our marriage.”

I must admit, I was bowled over by the analogy and the deep insight it afforded. I sought Belema’s approval to share this beautiful analogy on my page and, here you have it. It serves as a guide to intending couples and a reminder to all couples that marriages are to be enjoyed. He who finds a wife finds a good thing says the Holy book. Marriage must be carefully tended and protected to enable it to flourish and become a reference point to all intending couples. This of course means that early in the relationship, the couple must create bonding time and engage in communication which will help them evaluate how well they are doing. In this season of Valentine, Havilah wishes all readers, a HAPPY VALENTINE!

P.S. Show some love to all around you and appreciate one another.

Love

Havilah

CAN KAMALA HARRIS BE THE DEBORAH OF OUR TIME?

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As the world watches the USA elections with unabated interest, I cannot but wonder how many of us kept awake all night, following the elections. Undoubtedly, this is one election that has generated so much interest around the globe primarily for three reasons:

  1. When Big Brother (the USA) sneezes, the rest of the world catches a cold. Undoubtedly the policies crafted in the United States have a tremendous impact on other countries with ripple effects experienced worldwide. Consequently, everyone is on their seat’s edge, eager to know how things will shape out.
  2. This is probably the most keenly contested race in the history of the United States and the polls rate them at par. It is therefore anyone’s guess as to who emerges as the next President.
  3. If Kamala Harris wins, she will be making history as the FIRST Female President of the United States of America – a monumental win. I dare say, that even if she loses, her courage should be commended, and she would be the second woman to contest and lose in the USA.

While following the elections, my mind played back to a conversation I had with a friend about two decades ago regarding the appropriateness of women for Leadership roles. He believed that women are not cut out to face the pressures of Leadership and that they were created to assist the men with their roles. They could deputise or assist but not lead. After a heated debate, we called a truce as my arguments seemed lost on him. I still hold strongly to my view that even in biblical times, there is the record of a female leader – the only record – but it proves that God is not averse to women in leadership roles. That woman was DEBORAH.

The Bible records that at the time when Judges ruled Israel before they cried out to God for a King like other nations, there was a female Judge and Prophetess called Deborah. She ruled at a time when Israel was under oppression by the Canaanites for twenty years. As a judge, she adjudicated on matters brought to her for settlement and exercised wisdom and knowledge from her relationship with God, in settling disputes. However, she felt compassion for her people and interceded with God for her people. She heard from God and obeyed the instruction to engage the Canaanites in battle. She then sent for the Military Leader – Barak and instructed that he prepare his men for war. Barak feared the Canaanites and insisted he would only go to war if Deborah went with them. She did and prophesied that the victory would lie in the hands of a woman. Israel defeated the Canaanites, and a womancalled Jael, lured and killed the King of the Canaanites. Clearly, Deborah exhibited laudable leadership traits and was rewarded with forty years of peace for the Israelites.

Deborah was visionary – She foresaw challenges and opportunities and crafted plans to achieve positive results.

She was approachable as people sought her out for justice.

She displayed wisdom and knowledge in the dispensation of justice.

She was sensitive in the spirit and obeyed God’s instructions and directions.

She was courageous and confident and did what needed to be done. If the army needed her to go to war, she was not afraid.

She did the needful to achieve the desired results. She worked as a team leader, driving and encouraging the members to achieve the desired goal.

In a world in which men dominate Leadership positions, it appears to be an uphill task for women to break through the ranks of Leadership, but we are not giving up.

Love

Havilah

THE PROCREATION CHALLENGE

/ Motunde Dada / 1 Comment

Jokotade was full of excitement as preparations were in full gear for the naming ceremony of her precious jewel who was fast asleep in her crib in the next room. As she hurriedly ticked off her to-do list, while keeping her ears open for the slightest sound from the next room, she secretly thanked God for answering prayers in gifting her with a girl for her first child.

Just then, the front door opened and Detola (her favorite cousin) swayed in from work with a bag of baby clothes for her niece who she had already named Morenikeji. As she exchanged pleasantries with Jokotade, they heard Jokotade‘s mum’s voice ring out from the kitchen.    “Joko, it is good to see you as always. You always have your sister’s back. I am sure you have brought more things for your niece. Well done. I hope the day was not too stressful. But Detola, when will you give Dimeji a baby sister? Your son is already five or is it six years old? What are you waiting for?” Detola walked up to Aunty and gave her a wry smile. She had been under so much pressure lately from all quarters, on this subject matter.

“Aunty dearest (she replied). I am awaiting your retirement from work first so that I am assured of an experienced baby carer/sitter. You know your sister does not have the time either. On a more serious note”, she continued, as she dragged a seat,” I will give you four simple reasons why that is not a priority Aunty:

  1. I got married in my mid-thirties and had a difficult pregnancy with Dimeji.
  2. The prevailing economic climate does not encourage bearing many children. One must be mindful of pocket as living expenses and education do not come cheap.
  3. At forty, my energy levels are much reduced. I am not sure I can manage the sleepless nights, and the toll child-rearing takes.
  4. There is a dearth of capable assistance. Trusted nannies and home help are fast on the decline and our mothers are still pretty much actively engaged. To whom do we entrust the babies? Thank God for CCTVs, we can see records of what some of these home assistants get up to with children entrusted to their care.
  5. I have a boss who constantly asks whether children can be used as loan collateral. Undoubtedly, they make one feel fulfilled in marriage but, one must exercise prudence in knowing the number one can reasonably manage. “

Jokotade’s views are representative of the younger generation’s perspective on having children. However, I believe that you do not have a one-cap-fits-all solution. The Bible encourages us to “be fruitful and multiply” but one must apply wisdom and prudence. Some rumination must be done putting the following into perspective –

  1. Your motivation for children. Is it to satisfy the world, to show them off, etc?
  2. How do you wish to be identified? A physical mother or would you be satisfied with spiritual children or as a mentor to many?
  3. You must understand your limitations and take cognisance of them, be they financial, time constraints, inadequate energy, or other resources.
  4. How will multiple children impact other relationships e.g. God, your spouse, work, etc?

I end this with a quote culled from PRACTICAL OUTWORKING by Amanda Peacock “Some women struggle with infertility and postpartum depression while others fall pregnant instantly sailing through pregnancy and motherhood. Some have multiple children and are not overwhelmed by it all. We are all different and our families, are different. Wise womanhood means knowing our motivation, identity, limitations, primary function as a wife, and most importantly that our God is sovereign over the good blessing of children.”

Love

Havilah

JEKYLL AND HYDE SYNDROME

/ Motunde Dada / 2 Comments

These are times when people’s mental health comes under stress as a result of prevailing socio-economic conditions all around the globe and women in particular, must learn to guard their mental state jealously. Depression is gaining ground, and we must be conscious and deliberate about maintaining a balance.

I accompanied an acquaintance to a mental institution recently, for her outpatient appointment, in treating her bipolar disorder. While in the waiting room, she introduced me to two other ladies with similar conditions…psychosis and depression. They were both willing to share the circumstances that precipitated their conditions.

Dabira, a sophisticated, widowed, upwardly mobile mother of three, was the first to take the plunge. “Havilah,” she started. “I was living a beautiful life with my late husband, oblivious that I was walking on a precipice until about five years ago when he became suddenly ill and died shortly after that. It was on his sick bed he confided in me about his HIV status which had been positive for over five years at the time. Little did I know that he had been on retroviral drugs although he had insisted on protected sex after the birth of Diran, our third child. His excuse had always been that we could not afford any “accidental pregnancy.” You can only imagine my shock! Bolade became so ill he could not keep a job and I almost ran mental raising the necessary funds for his treatment and medication for complications arising from his HIV status. I took on two jobs and sold practically everything we had while caring for three young children between the ages of five and seven. Despite everything, he still passed, and I had to pick up the pieces practically from zero. It was tough but God has seen me through. However, I sacrificed my mental state because of the trauma and stress I experienced. Initially, I could not keep down any jobs because of my severe mood swings but I have however been able to keep things under control with medication and counseling sessions. I had felt betrayed, but I had to salvage the situation by giving him the required support at the time. Anyway, I have put it all behind me and looking up to God, the author and finisher of my faith. Two of the children are now in Secondary school and the family is doing great.”

For Tarenabo, also a widow, she had narrowly missed being jailed for the death of her husband. Tare had been in an abusive marriage where she was brutally and physically abused regularly. One night, during such a session, she had summoned the strength to push her husband away and unfortunately, he careened head-first into the sliding doors of their living room. He had a cut on his forehead, but she decided to flee for her life, she hurriedly unlocked the door to the flat, ran barefoot, and took refuge at her friend’s house about five hundred metres away. By the time she returned home in the morning in the company of her friend and her husband, they found her husband’s body splayed on the floor by the broken glass. They rushed him to the hospital, but he gave up the ghost shortly after arriving at the hospital. Tarenabo was disconcerted and distraught as his death remained on her conscience, but her situation was only worsened by the reaction of her in-laws to the news of her husband’s death. They blamed her and sued her for murder with the hope that she would be jailed. Luckily, her plea of Self-defence was accepted by the court, and she was discharged and acquitted but she had to live with both the guilt that he died because of her reaction and the stigma thereto attached. At the time of the incident, she was four months pregnant. She constantly worried about what she would say to her son when he was old enough to inquire about his father.

Undoubtedly, the circumstances that traumatise and strain the mind thus putting a strain on our mental health are as varied and diverse as our faces, but one fact stands out, we must learn to guard our mental health jealously and decompress periodically, turning all our burdens over to God. We must enjoy healthy living and learn to take life less seriously. May the Lord give us the wisdom required in managing this delicate balance. Amen.

Love

Havilah