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AGEING WITH GRACE

/ Motunde Dada / 2 Comments

Two high school friends Dehinde and Bodunrin found themselves side by side in the same hospital ward and were pleased to catch up after several years of not having contact. As Bodunrin exclaimed, “Dehinsman, where have you been? I cannot believe this is you after so many years. How long has it been….55 plus years? By the way, Faramade should be visiting me here in another two hours or so. He will be thrilled to see you”, he continued. After that, the two of them went into a long discussion, catching up on happenings and the whereabouts of classmates with whom they were in touch. As the discussions progressed, they shared experiences, but one common thread was inadequate preparation for the aging process, particularly as it relates to challenges regarding health, finance, and self-care/love.

Dehinde was the first to bemoan his situation. Having lost his first wife at the age of sixty and unable to cope alone, his family had insisted that he remarry. He ended up with Bisola (his current wife), who bore him a son, Mobolurin. Mobolurin, who is now thirteen, is an intelligent child and livens up his day, but he is greatly concerned about providing his financial needs, especially as his pension, which barely meets their living expenses. In the past fifteen years, the pension has remained static, oblivious of inflationary trends in the economy. It gets more difficult to cope by the day, and with the added burden of his health challenges, it gets worrisome. Dehinde recently had brain surgery, impacting his nutritional and medical needs, which have placed additional pressure on his finances. “I wish I had envisaged the situation and prepared adequately. More disturbing is the fate of my young son”.

Bodunrin nodded in acquiescence. “I agree with you Dehinsman. If anyone had told me years ago that I could end up with prostate cancer requiring so many procedures, laboratory tests, and medications, I would have doubted. Healthcare is probably one of the most important needs of aging and is extremely expensive to manage. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer some five years ago, and it has been a challenging and expensive journey since then. It has been chemotherapy, radiotherapy, periodic tests, and medications. All the hospital visits and laboratory tests I ran away from in years past eventually caught up with me when I had the diagnosis. To alleviate some of the symptoms, I have had to support my treatment with alternative medicine to improve my well-being. None of these comes cheap. I thank God for a supportive family, especially the children who have been impressive in providing financial assistance, without which I would probably not be here today”.

As Bodunrin rounded up, they both looked towards the door of their shared space, as if on cue, Faramade breezed in with springy steps. He had just returned from a Mediterranean boat cruise with his wife, children, and grandchildren. He appeared to be in the best of health as he pulled up a chair to sit beside Bodunrin. As he sat down, Bodunrin introduced him to Dehinde, whom he had not seen since they all left high school. Faramade peered at Dehinde before yelling, “Dehinsman, is this you?” The trio then reminisced about school days when Dehinde used to rule the tracks, representing the school in relay races. Dehinde shook his head in amazement as he asked Faramade for the secret behind his youthful agility, to which he replied jokingly, “It is arguing each case with my wife.” He then went on to explain that God had blessed him with good health, except for the occasional aches and pains, and he did not take it for granted. Nevertheless, on his own part, he managed his blood pressure and diabetes by taking his medications and doing his medical check-ups as needed. He explained that he had been a protagonist for check-ups and follow-up treatments over the years. His advice to his friend, Bodunrin had always fallen on deaf ears as he was considered obsessed with health and spent too much of his resources on healthcare, eating right, playing golf, and self-care. He concluded by stating that the aging process must be prepared for from all angles – spiritually, financially, health consciousness (healthy nutrition, habits, and exercise), self-care and emotional wellbeing. All these impact on one’s comfort in old age and with God on one’s side must be carefully planned for.

The three friends nodded in agreement and went on to discuss the proposed set anniversary scheduled to be held soon.

Love

Havilah

RELINQUISHED RESPONSIBILITIES?

/ Motunde Dada / Leave a comment

Sunday was another Father’s Day, and Fathers were celebrated worldwide. As I listened to the charge for the day at my local church, I could not help but ponder a few things. A quick summary of the charge is required to enable you to connect the dots. The message to men highlighted their responsibility from three dimensions:

  1. Responsibility to family. The biblical instruction to provide for their family was stressed.
  2. Love for their wives.
  3. Raising their children with love and guidance rather than anger and frustration.

While ruminating over the charge later that day, I remembered two families who, some years back, had been acquaintances of mine at various times. My attention was drawn to the first responsibility, from the charge i.e., provision for the family.

The Bello family was a family of four comprising mother,  father, and two children. Mrs. Bello was the sole financial contributor to the family as her husband believed that, since she was financially capable, he should leave EVERYTHING to her – House rent, electricity bills, school fees, maintenance of the house, cars, etc. Whatever he earned was spent entirely on himself, and he saw no reason to do otherwise. While shirking his responsibilities towards his family, he still insisted that she fulfil hers in terms of household chores and mentoring the children. This continued for years with the wife bearing all responsibilities grudgingly. However, after the children left home, she filed for divorce, and it was only then that Mr. Bello realised his folly. When questioned about his reason for abdicating his responsibilities, he said he felt it was only fair that the person with the better financial package bear the responsibility, after all, the two had become one. His response was, “God continued to bless her, but things were not working out for me.” Mrs. Bello, on the other hand, explained that in the early days, she had implored him to put whatever little he had down for running the home, but all her pleading was ignored. She had then struggled to meet up with the responsibilities and found that over time, she received favour in all her endeavours, and things turned around positively. I then counselled him that “relinquished responsibilities result in relinquished blessings,” and because there is no vacuum in nature, God raised up his wife to fill the vacuum. It was a learning point for Mr. Bello as he was determined to right the wrongs by taking up responsibility for the home. Luckily. Mrs. Bello was ready to give him another chance.

For the Gbenros, it was an analogous situation in which Mrs. Gbenro was largely responsible for most of the spending. Unfortunately, despite Mr. Gbenro’s efforts, he was unable to secure a job. He, however, accepted employment far below his level to enable him to contribute to the family’s finances. He was not lazy and assisted in every way he could, thus winning the love and respect of his family. It was never evident to third parties who provided the finances, and the Gbenros exuded love. About 15 years into the marriage, fortune smiled on Mr. Gbenro, and he was blessed and favoured with employment that more than made up for the lean years. Obviously, he never relinquished his responsibilities even in the lean years. He had his challenges, but he did the best he could and earned the love, understanding, and cooperation of his wife.

Although today’s message may be tagged a Father’s Day message, it applies to all parents…RELINQUISHED RESPONSIBILITY ATTRACTS RELINQUISHED BLESSINGS. May we all be guided to play our roles.

Love

Havilah

MAKE 2025 A YEAR OF WALKING IN GOD’S WILL

/ Motunde Dada / Leave a comment

It’s a brand-new year  with great potential, expectations, proclamations, visions and the like. Havilah raises a toast to all of us for crossing over into 2025 and prays for good success, health, upliftment and unwavering blessings for this new year.

During my two weeks break from my PC, I was chilling with friends and family, especially the millennials and genzees visiting Nigeria for “Dirty December” and as I sipped on a glass of white wine, one of the stories caught my attention.

There were three friends who had been friends from their secondary school days through university and beyond – Gbonju, Chima and Uyi. It happened that after graduation Uyi had travelled to the USA and seemed to have stabilised there and frequently sent money to his parents and siblings back at home. He travelled back to contract marriage and during the ceremonies, caught up with his two friends Gbonju and Chima who were already married but finding things difficult in keeping up with responsibilities. He advised them to apply for visas to visit him in the USA – a land he described as “God’s own country.” He promised to help them relocate but advised that they visit without their families to ease the transition, and they could later send for family or bring them over.

About six months after the wedding, Gbonju and Chima were able to secure visitor visas and visited Uyi in the U.S.A and were warmly accommodated at his house. Two weeks down the line, Uyi returned from work and summoned his buddies to a conference. He cleared his throat and started “I am sure you guys enjoy what you’ve seen of the USA so far, but this kind of life must be fuelled by money. We must now think of how you can make your own money to fuel your lifestyle. You know that your visa clearly prevents you from employment so I will introduce you to the ways you can remain here and possibly take on a job.

  1. You can use someone else’s social security number by assuming that person’s identity. Ther usually are persons willing to do this for a fee especially if they are no longer resident in the USA. Are there disadvantages? Certainly, apart from being illegal, the person may already have crimes and /or offences accruing to him.
  2. Engage in an “arranged marriage” with a citizen for a fee and through it obtain a green card.
  3. Apply for asylum claiming fear of persecution back at home.
  4. Legally marry an American citizen.”

Both Gbonju and Chima were silent as they pondered their options and asked for time to deliberate the options. Some two days later, Chima booked his return ticket and bid his friends farewell after an additional week of stay. As far he was concerned, none of the options were agreeable with him and he would rather return home, than do anything illegal or anything that negated his principles. Gbonju on the other hand, decided on option 4 insisting that his preferred option would have been the second option, but he lacked funds to pay for the “service”.

In response to Uyi’s observation that he had obtained his visa on information that he was married, Gbonju decided to procure a “fake” divorce certificate from home. This he did, without conferring with his wife – Gbeke. He felt it was unnecessary as he proposed to divorce his American wife Meredith, after resolving his stay. Unfortunately, things got complicated, and Meredith had a baby boy for Gbonju whereas Gbeke and his two lovely girls remained back home.

After about five years of sojourn in America playing hide and seek with Gbeke, Gbeke obtained a visa to the USA where she came to the stark reality that Gbonju had a legally married wife in the person of Meredith and there was an official divorce record filed regarding her own marriage. Disappointed, she returned home and ultimately remarried.

I took a deep breath and exhaled with a “Whoa! This is profound. So much to learn about how far desperation can lead and the effects of making the wrong choices.” Could Gbonju have fared better? Certainly, yes. Chima was rational in his thinking. Could Gbeke have seen it coming and pre-empted things by visiting along with Gbonju or earlier than she did? Maybe. Nevertheless, as we commence a new year, my advice is that we commit all our plans into God’s hands and keep within the ambits of the Law in whatever we do. The Lord will help us.

Once again…Havilah wishes all my readers a successful 2025!

Love

Havilah

N.B. “Detty December” – Wikipedia defines it as the festive period typically from mid-December through the New Year when many Nigerians including diasporans return home to celebrate and felicitate with family and friends.

THE PROCREATION CHALLENGE

/ Motunde Dada / 1 Comment

Jokotade was full of excitement as preparations were in full gear for the naming ceremony of her precious jewel who was fast asleep in her crib in the next room. As she hurriedly ticked off her to-do list, while keeping her ears open for the slightest sound from the next room, she secretly thanked God for answering prayers in gifting her with a girl for her first child.

Just then, the front door opened and Detola (her favorite cousin) swayed in from work with a bag of baby clothes for her niece who she had already named Morenikeji. As she exchanged pleasantries with Jokotade, they heard Jokotade‘s mum’s voice ring out from the kitchen.    “Joko, it is good to see you as always. You always have your sister’s back. I am sure you have brought more things for your niece. Well done. I hope the day was not too stressful. But Detola, when will you give Dimeji a baby sister? Your son is already five or is it six years old? What are you waiting for?” Detola walked up to Aunty and gave her a wry smile. She had been under so much pressure lately from all quarters, on this subject matter.

“Aunty dearest (she replied). I am awaiting your retirement from work first so that I am assured of an experienced baby carer/sitter. You know your sister does not have the time either. On a more serious note”, she continued, as she dragged a seat,” I will give you four simple reasons why that is not a priority Aunty:

  1. I got married in my mid-thirties and had a difficult pregnancy with Dimeji.
  2. The prevailing economic climate does not encourage bearing many children. One must be mindful of pocket as living expenses and education do not come cheap.
  3. At forty, my energy levels are much reduced. I am not sure I can manage the sleepless nights, and the toll child-rearing takes.
  4. There is a dearth of capable assistance. Trusted nannies and home help are fast on the decline and our mothers are still pretty much actively engaged. To whom do we entrust the babies? Thank God for CCTVs, we can see records of what some of these home assistants get up to with children entrusted to their care.
  5. I have a boss who constantly asks whether children can be used as loan collateral. Undoubtedly, they make one feel fulfilled in marriage but, one must exercise prudence in knowing the number one can reasonably manage. “

Jokotade’s views are representative of the younger generation’s perspective on having children. However, I believe that you do not have a one-cap-fits-all solution. The Bible encourages us to “be fruitful and multiply” but one must apply wisdom and prudence. Some rumination must be done putting the following into perspective –

  1. Your motivation for children. Is it to satisfy the world, to show them off, etc?
  2. How do you wish to be identified? A physical mother or would you be satisfied with spiritual children or as a mentor to many?
  3. You must understand your limitations and take cognisance of them, be they financial, time constraints, inadequate energy, or other resources.
  4. How will multiple children impact other relationships e.g. God, your spouse, work, etc?

I end this with a quote culled from PRACTICAL OUTWORKING by Amanda Peacock “Some women struggle with infertility and postpartum depression while others fall pregnant instantly sailing through pregnancy and motherhood. Some have multiple children and are not overwhelmed by it all. We are all different and our families, are different. Wise womanhood means knowing our motivation, identity, limitations, primary function as a wife, and most importantly that our God is sovereign over the good blessing of children.”

Love

Havilah