life

MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE

/ Motunde Dada / Leave a comment

All through life, one thing is certain: there will always be choices to be made as different opportunities arise, offering options and alternatives. An economic concept that readily comes to mind that serves as a guide to decision-making is that of OPPORTUNITY COST. In simple terms, opportunity cost can be described as the value that a person forfeits by choosing one course of action over another. It usually involves both time and money and is present for every decision that is made. Alternatives and options are always present, and it is important to weigh the opportunity cost in making decisions. e.g., I was privy to the decision of a mother to finance her son’s university education abroad at the cost of purchasing a property in a prime location in her country. It was a choice based on her priority, after consideration of the opportunity cost of either option.

I was recently invited to mediate in a conversation between Mr. Babalola and his son, Derrick. Derrick had recently completed his National Youth Service, and his father, who ran a grocery store, had offered him the opportunity to manage the business with the promise of accommodation and a car attached to the offer. Derrick, however, had his sights set elsewhere. He had recently attended an Interview with a Multinational Tech company and was certain he would get the position of a Management Trainee. Though he would have to relocate to another city, the offer would provide him with the opportunity of extensive training and travel. It would, however, mean that Derrick would have to share a rented apartment with a friend and commute to and from work by public transport. The father prevailed on him to weigh the opportunity cost of rejecting his offer, especially in the light of succession to the business.

Derrick weighed the opportunity costs and decided that the opportunity cost of passing up an offer with that multinational corporation was, to say the least, “humongous.” He knew so many of his peers who would give anything for such an opportunity. He projected that the training and experience to be gleaned would catapult him into a league in corporate dynamics, far beyond the management of his father’s retail business, and he was ready to forego the immediate attraction of comfort for the perceived long-term gains. Besides, he opined, the training, experience, and network gained would be of futuristic benefit to his father’s business if he decided to return to it in the future. Following up, Derrick got the offer letter and moved on with his decision.

The importance of discussions like this, especially with teenagers and young adults, cannot be understated. Every day, choices are made, and options need to be weighed carefully in relation to one’s objectives. The opportunity cost of a choice is what is lost by not going with the alternative. I have seen some interesting choices made where a mother would rather owe on school fees and use the money for aso-ebi to the detriment of the child who was kicked out of school for default in fees. Also, the choice of material possessions over qualitative education.” After all, a school is a school, quality of education notwithstanding,” some would say.

I recall my discussion with a young man who said that when he gained admission to the university, his father never lectured him against joining cults but merely pointed out the opportunity cost of cultism versus concentrating on his studies, and that nailed it for him. He could be a cultist gaining popularity and notoriety, with the likely outcome of rustication, or face his studies squarely and achieve recognition through outstanding success, which opens doors for mouth-watering opportunities.

It is my prayer that we exhibit wisdom in our choices and teach the coming generations how to weigh their choices to enable them to make the right choices.

Love

Havilah

THE WINDOW

/ Motunde Dada / 1 Comment

Seated at the reception lobby of a hospital a few days ago, I witnessed some incidents which got me thinking about the generation Alpha and their parents. At the hospital, I watched two young mothers manage their three-year-old babies and it got me thinking…hmmm.

The first mum left her three-year-old boy causing a cacophony by bouncing her phone charger on the metal chairs. Oblivious to him and his antics, she watched a movie on her phone, unconcerned until the “young man” started yelling to use the bathroom. Her response was a calm, ” pee on yourself – you have diapers on.” The grandma in me screamed…after potty training him all you can say is pee on yourself? Why did you bother training him? I restrained myself from uttering a word and was glad at the boy’s insistence which eventually got her up from her phone to take him to the bathroom. The second mum had just returned from the treatment room with her daughter who was crying her heart out and all she could do was try to appease her with biscuits, chocolates etc. all to no avail. The little one refused to be bribed as she cried even louder calling for her daddy. At this point, I could no longer hold my peace as I turned around and asked – “are you, her mother? Just hug and pet her.” As I spoke, a matronly woman in her middle age, seated beside her reached out to the girl and nestled her in her bosom. The little girl stopped crying and was rocked into silence.

Both ladies left me still seated in the lobby and I played over what I had just witnessed in my mind. The questions that befuddled my mind were –

  1. Which way humanity? When did it matter more to a mother to watch a movie than to pay attention to a child who was begging for attention? The child was obviously bored which was why he had been disturbing the peace with loud clanging of the metal chairs, but she not only ignored him but was insensitive to the comfort of others present in the lobby.
  2. Why would a mother encourage a child who was toilet trained to pee in their diaper when the facility had toilets? Was it laziness or lack of understanding? The answer – your guess is as good as mine.
  3. What has happened to the motherly instinct of instinctively cuddling a hurting child? Have we become so insensitive that we now replace caring with material benefits. Why would a mother’s immediate reaction to a wailing child be to offer a “pacifier” lacking the warmth of an embrace?
  4. What would we then expect from children who are raised without the attendant care reminiscent of motherhood especially as they live in a world of robotics? Are we raising “Human Robots” or human beings? May the Lord help us.

If we fail to enable the right bonding from infancy, what happens when the pressures of providing for them catch up on us. The problem with some teenagers is defiance. Parents seem to have replaced love and care with provision and sometimes with material possessions and the teenagers are rebelling because all they need is to be relevant in their parent’s lives. They then seek that relevance elsewhere which may lead them into dangerous waters. When the parents start feeling the pain, it is seen as a way of getting back on them for perceived deprivation of love and care. Let us hope it does not end in disaster for the family.

As we look out through the open window, we have a responsibility to correct erring parents and remind them that their responsibilities transcend provision and material possessions can never replace the bonding required between them and their children.

Love

Havilah

CALMING THE STORM

/ Motunde Dada / 2 Comments

Keppy and Adia met during their NYSC (National Youth Service Corps) year and dated for six years thereafter. The delay in contracting their proposed marriage had been due to a series of challenges faced by Keppy, ranging from the challenge in gaining employment to the loss of his only brother. During the six years, Adia was exposed to Keppy’s family, both immediate and extended. At the end of the six years of the relationship, Keppy informed Adia that he was quitting the relationship. Adia was heartbroken, and after relating the situation to her mother, she was advised to discuss it with Keppy’s parents. (Unknown to Adia, the breakup was fostered by her prospective mother-in-law, Keppy’s mum).

When Adia approached Keppy’s mum on the subject, her response sent shock waves down her spine, as she was advised to lick her wounds and accept the decision. She then approached his dad, who washed his hands off the issue, advising that they settle their differences without third-party interference. Adia was totally devastated; she felt she had wasted six years of her life living in a fool’s paradise. There was, however, one beacon of hope – Keppy’s aunt Bertha, who loved them both dearly. She sought her out and, in answer to her prayers, Aunt Bertha encouraged and facilitated the reconciliation. While wading into the “crisis,” she discovered that her sister, Keppy’s mum, had sought the services of a prophetess to determine the suitability of the couple for each other and had been informed that Adia would walk out of the marriage if she did not die at childbirth. This had scared Keppy’s mum and prompted the hostility toward Adia.

Aunty Bertha facilitated the union, to the chagrin of her sister, insisting that after committing the couple in prayers, she was convinced that they were a perfect fit. They were united in marriage, but the marriage was fraught with an unwelcoming and sometimes belligerent attitude from Keppy’s mother. Adia tried everything she could to win back her place in her mother-in-law’s heart, but it only got worse.

Fast forward ten years, with two lovely sons added to the family, Keppy’s mum was riddled with a debilitating disease and forced to live with Keppy and Adia. Adia showered her with love and care, bending over backwards to make her feel comfortable and welcome. She related to her as she would her mother because she understood that Keppy and she were an indivisible unit, and consequently, his mother was hers as well. Her two lovely boys also needed the affection and love of their grandma, and that could only be engendered by the way she related to “mama,” as she fondly referred to her. Her unreserved display of love and care, wrought in “mama” a strong feeling of guilt at the treatment she had meted out to her over the years, and so one day, when Keppy and Adia were back from work and the children safely in bed, she approached them and craved their forgiveness. “It was out of ignorance,” she blurted out. Adia went to her with a smile and warm embrace, responding gently, “You had long been forgiven. Mama, I want to make a confession…your attitude was what spurred me to work at my marriage and ensure its success at all costs. Sometimes, challenges are the wind under our wings we need to fly. I thank God for our family.”

Love

Havilah

RING-A-RING-A-ROSES!

/ Motunde Dada / Leave a comment

I stopped by to see an old friend, Ebitemi, yesterday, to while away time and reminisce about “the good old days.” At about 4 pm, Omiete (her daughter) marched in with her two children – Biobele and Beredugo in tow, both looking petulant. As they walked in, their grandma called out, “Happy Children’s Day, my dearies,” holding out her arms for an expectant hug. Both chirped, “Thanks, Grandma, but there is nothing HAPPY about today.” Biobele, the older of the two, continued…”Mummy says she cannot take us out even to the movies as she has no money. What is Children’s Day without a treat?” Omiete tartly responded. “Stop whining, Biobele! Mom, they need to understand that these are tough times, and every expenditure must be carefully weighed. I just cannot afford the largesse now.” Without a word, Ebitemi pointed the children to her cookie jar filled with assorted homemade cookies and, after excusing herself, grabbed her daughter’s arm and dragged her to her room for a tête-à-tête. After about 30 minutes, Omiete emerged with a cheerful mien to find her “terrific two” as she often referred to the children, engrossed in a TV program. She managed to get them into the car with a promise of a surprise weekend activity to celebrate Children’s Day.

As my friend strolled back to join me, with a satisfied smile on her face, curiosity got the better of me and I inquired about what had transpired inside the room. She said she had merely reminded Omiete that quality family time is the foundation of bonding with the children and creating the fond memories that transcend time. Those memories are created by fun times that may not require loads of money but rather time and relationship building. I asked her to put on her creative cap and reminded her that it was during one such holiday, I taught her to bake and we reminisced over the burnt experiments we laughed over until she got it right. That opened a dam of memories for her as she recounted family picnics in the garden, folktale sagas interlaced with songs, cultural dance steps I had taught her, my secondary school escapades, and pranks. Much of what she pulled up I had long forgotten, but it was heartwarming to see that they had left an indelible mark on her. She had ended it all by saying, “Mom, I could almost write your biography from birth!” I then advised her to make out time while shutting out other pressures, to celebrate Children’s Day with them at the earliest opportune time. Her final words and display of affection threw me off balance. She threw her arms around me and with a huge hug and kiss, said “Mum, thank you for being a formidable mother – the best. I want to thank you for all that you did and still do. I especially cherish the Happy Children’s Day wish you sent today, and the beautiful prayer and affirmation attached. May God bless and keep you to see my grandchildren.” Honestly, dear, I felt so fulfilled and appreciated.

As parents, we must always seize opportunities to exhibit our love and care for our children. Our actions leave a lasting emotional attachment that transcends our departure. Not only will we be remembered on Mother’s Day and our special Anniversaries, but we will be treasured and missed for all time.

To ALL who are born of a mother…HAPPY CHILDREN’S DAY!

Love

Havilah

THE PROCREATION CHALLENGE

/ Motunde Dada / 1 Comment

Jokotade was full of excitement as preparations were in full gear for the naming ceremony of her precious jewel who was fast asleep in her crib in the next room. As she hurriedly ticked off her to-do list, while keeping her ears open for the slightest sound from the next room, she secretly thanked God for answering prayers in gifting her with a girl for her first child.

Just then, the front door opened and Detola (her favorite cousin) swayed in from work with a bag of baby clothes for her niece who she had already named Morenikeji. As she exchanged pleasantries with Jokotade, they heard Jokotade‘s mum’s voice ring out from the kitchen.    “Joko, it is good to see you as always. You always have your sister’s back. I am sure you have brought more things for your niece. Well done. I hope the day was not too stressful. But Detola, when will you give Dimeji a baby sister? Your son is already five or is it six years old? What are you waiting for?” Detola walked up to Aunty and gave her a wry smile. She had been under so much pressure lately from all quarters, on this subject matter.

“Aunty dearest (she replied). I am awaiting your retirement from work first so that I am assured of an experienced baby carer/sitter. You know your sister does not have the time either. On a more serious note”, she continued, as she dragged a seat,” I will give you four simple reasons why that is not a priority Aunty:

  1. I got married in my mid-thirties and had a difficult pregnancy with Dimeji.
  2. The prevailing economic climate does not encourage bearing many children. One must be mindful of pocket as living expenses and education do not come cheap.
  3. At forty, my energy levels are much reduced. I am not sure I can manage the sleepless nights, and the toll child-rearing takes.
  4. There is a dearth of capable assistance. Trusted nannies and home help are fast on the decline and our mothers are still pretty much actively engaged. To whom do we entrust the babies? Thank God for CCTVs, we can see records of what some of these home assistants get up to with children entrusted to their care.
  5. I have a boss who constantly asks whether children can be used as loan collateral. Undoubtedly, they make one feel fulfilled in marriage but, one must exercise prudence in knowing the number one can reasonably manage. “

Jokotade’s views are representative of the younger generation’s perspective on having children. However, I believe that you do not have a one-cap-fits-all solution. The Bible encourages us to “be fruitful and multiply” but one must apply wisdom and prudence. Some rumination must be done putting the following into perspective –

  1. Your motivation for children. Is it to satisfy the world, to show them off, etc?
  2. How do you wish to be identified? A physical mother or would you be satisfied with spiritual children or as a mentor to many?
  3. You must understand your limitations and take cognisance of them, be they financial, time constraints, inadequate energy, or other resources.
  4. How will multiple children impact other relationships e.g. God, your spouse, work, etc?

I end this with a quote culled from PRACTICAL OUTWORKING by Amanda Peacock “Some women struggle with infertility and postpartum depression while others fall pregnant instantly sailing through pregnancy and motherhood. Some have multiple children and are not overwhelmed by it all. We are all different and our families, are different. Wise womanhood means knowing our motivation, identity, limitations, primary function as a wife, and most importantly that our God is sovereign over the good blessing of children.”

Love

Havilah