love

THE WINDOW

/ Motunde Dada / 1 Comment

Seated at the reception lobby of a hospital a few days ago, I witnessed some incidents which got me thinking about the generation Alpha and their parents. At the hospital, I watched two young mothers manage their three-year-old babies and it got me thinking…hmmm.

The first mum left her three-year-old boy causing a cacophony by bouncing her phone charger on the metal chairs. Oblivious to him and his antics, she watched a movie on her phone, unconcerned until the “young man” started yelling to use the bathroom. Her response was a calm, ” pee on yourself – you have diapers on.” The grandma in me screamed…after potty training him all you can say is pee on yourself? Why did you bother training him? I restrained myself from uttering a word and was glad at the boy’s insistence which eventually got her up from her phone to take him to the bathroom. The second mum had just returned from the treatment room with her daughter who was crying her heart out and all she could do was try to appease her with biscuits, chocolates etc. all to no avail. The little one refused to be bribed as she cried even louder calling for her daddy. At this point, I could no longer hold my peace as I turned around and asked – “are you, her mother? Just hug and pet her.” As I spoke, a matronly woman in her middle age, seated beside her reached out to the girl and nestled her in her bosom. The little girl stopped crying and was rocked into silence.

Both ladies left me still seated in the lobby and I played over what I had just witnessed in my mind. The questions that befuddled my mind were –

  1. Which way humanity? When did it matter more to a mother to watch a movie than to pay attention to a child who was begging for attention? The child was obviously bored which was why he had been disturbing the peace with loud clanging of the metal chairs, but she not only ignored him but was insensitive to the comfort of others present in the lobby.
  2. Why would a mother encourage a child who was toilet trained to pee in their diaper when the facility had toilets? Was it laziness or lack of understanding? The answer – your guess is as good as mine.
  3. What has happened to the motherly instinct of instinctively cuddling a hurting child? Have we become so insensitive that we now replace caring with material benefits. Why would a mother’s immediate reaction to a wailing child be to offer a “pacifier” lacking the warmth of an embrace?
  4. What would we then expect from children who are raised without the attendant care reminiscent of motherhood especially as they live in a world of robotics? Are we raising “Human Robots” or human beings? May the Lord help us.

If we fail to enable the right bonding from infancy, what happens when the pressures of providing for them catch up on us. The problem with some teenagers is defiance. Parents seem to have replaced love and care with provision and sometimes with material possessions and the teenagers are rebelling because all they need is to be relevant in their parent’s lives. They then seek that relevance elsewhere which may lead them into dangerous waters. When the parents start feeling the pain, it is seen as a way of getting back on them for perceived deprivation of love and care. Let us hope it does not end in disaster for the family.

As we look out through the open window, we have a responsibility to correct erring parents and remind them that their responsibilities transcend provision and material possessions can never replace the bonding required between them and their children.

Love

Havilah

CRYING IN THE RAIN

/ Motunde Dada / 3 Comments

Mairo is a pretty, smart, lithe lady with a bubbly, effervescent personality, attracting all manner of people to her – young and old, male, and female. She has a magnetic mien that is difficult to resist. Shafi, her younger sister, on the other hand, is the quintessential opposite – quiet, shy, reserved, plain-looking, and unexciting. Two things, however, stand out about Shafi: her very caring nature and her domestic excellence.

Shafi met BeeJay on her university campus, where she was studying Information Technology while BeeJay was pursuing his master’s degree in business administration. For the first time in her life, Shafi formed a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex. She found in BeeJay someone she could relate to and confide in. Shafi blossomed under their friendship and her grades soared. She became more visible with an added spring to her steps. This was a new Shafi, and her world took on a new dimension, that is, until she introduced BeeJay to her darling sister, Mairo.

Mairo lived in a bustling megacity, an hour’s ride from Shafi’s campus, where she worked with a successful Tech start-up. An excited Shafi invited BeeJay over to Mairo ‘s place, where she usually spent her school vacation and it was an interesting time as Mairo and BeeJay appeared to bond well. A satisfied Shafi was happy that the two dearest and most important people in her life seemed to get along well, and she happily left them to chat while she retreated into the kitchen to do what she did best – whip up a delicious meal for everyone. While in the kitchen, she recalled her anxiety about BeeJay and Mairo getting along. She loved BeeJay, although she had not discussed that with him and as for Mairo, she could do anything for her because she stepped in to fill the void since their mom passed on five years prior.

Little did Shafi know that this meeting would be her undoing and that it would shatter her peace. The meeting sowed the seed of a relationship between BeeJay and Mairo that would eventually lead to a marriage proposal. They were a compatible pair with common interests and values and goals. Mairo recently informed Shafi of the development and their intentions, which have left Shafi devastated. She feels torn apart as she wrestles with her feelings of joy for her sister (after all, BeeJay is the “perfect guy” every woman’s dream man – her sister deserves the best) and her feelings for BeeJay. He was the best thing to have happened to her and even though they had merely remained friends with him encouraging her on life’s journey, she secretly desired and hoped for a deeper relationship. She fantasized about marriage to him. This news from Mairo was indeed heartbreaking and she had scoured the internet for a song that adequately captured her mood and situation. She was listening to the lyrics of CRYING IN THE RAIN by The Everly Brothers and sobbing gently, soaking her pillow with tears, when Mairo sauntered in. Mairo was distraught to see her younger sister so distressed and sought to know the cause of her distress. Mairo refuses to back down, but Shafi is unsure about what to do. How would Mairo react to the truth? Would it put a damper on the relationship between all three of them? Would she be able to get a grip on her feelings for BeeJay? She listens to the last stanza of the song and with a forced smile, sings out to Mairo…”

Someday, when my crying is done,

I’m gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun.

I may be a fool, but till then, darling.

You’ll never see me complain.

I’ll do my crying in the rain.”

Havilah asks – what would you advise Shafi to do?

Love

Havilah

Elderly Blues?

/ Motunde Dada / 2 Comments

Papa and Mama Tembu had lived very energetic and fruitful lives in their professions as a University Professor and Radiologist, respectively. Having hit 70 and 67 years respectively, they decided to retire from the bustling capital city in which they had spent most of their adult life, back to the suburbs where they built their retirement home. This meant a gradual reduction in activity. Two years after the move, Papa Tembu was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and Mama Tembu had to take on his care. Within a year, Mama Tembu was involved in an accident while returning from an errand to the city on behalf of her husband and ended up with paralysis. This brought their three children (all diasporans) back home to make cogent decisions regarding their parents’ welfare. The older two were based in Australia and Japan, respectively, so the responsibility to coordinate their care fell on Funeka, the only female among them who was also closest in proximity, living in Germany. They employed a caregiver, cook, and driver, and Funeka coordinated efforts through daily phone calls and video calls, as well as an annual two-week visit when she could get time off work.

While Funeka tried her best to monitor events, there were some lapses resulting in undesirable consequences at times, as the paid personnel either omitted or neglected to fulfill their responsibilities effectively. She also discovered collusion from time to time and effecting personnel changes was never easy. Whenever she was on the ground or any of her siblings, the household ran smoothly, so they figured that the household needed closer monitoring to work effectively – a situation where someone could give surprise visits and take quick decisions. This proved difficult to resolve as most of their friends were resident in the city or abroad and occupied with earning a living. Extended family dynamics had changed with members being dispersed and a change in levels of education and socio-economic dispositions.

The children tried weighing the options. Do they :-

  1. Relocate the parents to live with one of them?
  2. Rotate them among all three of them?
  3. Relocate each separately?
  4. Place them in an institution for the elderly (if available back home)?
  5. Employ a Manager/Personal Assistant to manage their affairs?

Relocation brought along immigration related challenges, adaptation to an unfamiliar environment, as well as other considerations, while institutionalising them was fraught with emotional considerations. Could they trust a Personal Assistant to do his work, and how stable would such an arrangement be?

These are some of the challenges that beset the elderly today and reflect the reality of our times.

The Elderly often experience loneliness and disquiet as they reflect on some of these challenges as they respond to life’s changing circumstances. This state can oscillate between fleeting moments of nostalgia or loneliness and more enduring periods of quiet sorrow. As a result, the elderly may find it harder to reach out or maintain connections. Family and friends, unsure how to respond, might inadvertently pull away, deepening the isolation. Communication can become stilted, and misunderstandings may arise, further complicating relationships.

Aging is both a privilege and a challenge. The elderly blues, though tinged with sadness, are also a testament to love, memory, and the passage of time. By acknowledging this emotional landscape and responding with compassion, society can help elders find solace, purpose, and joy, reminding us all that every stage of life is worthy of dignity and care.

A parting word for the children – this is the time when love, understanding, care and sacrifice has to be shown in appreciation for all that was poured out on them by the parents. It takes careful consideration to enable the best decisions to be taken that will work for both the parents and children alike. Most importantly, it requires God’s guidance and wisdom. May the Lord help us all.

Love

Havilah

NADIA

/ Motunde Dada / 1 Comment

While rummaging through some items to which I have been sentimentally attached over the years, I came across the sleeve of a cherished musical album that made waves half a century ago. The South African album – Ipi Tombi! (Did I hear a chuckle…wow, half a century ago?) Well, it got me thinking about one of my favorite songs in the album, titled Nadia. Nadia told the story of a young man who had to leave his village, leaving behind his wife, three children, and aged parents, to seek greener pastures in the city, with the hope of providing them with a better life. It captures the concerns, uncertainties, and cultural shock, but ends on a hopeful note of achieved expectations and a reunification with the family. That was the trigger I needed to recall the common incidence of employee migration and its sometimes-unintended impact on families, resulting in fragmented family lives. Take the case of Boye and Ike.

Boye, married to Linda with two beautiful children in Secondary school, lost his job due to “rightsizing” by his employers, and for two years, try as he may, he couldn’t secure a job. Linda was, however, cooperative in maintaining the home to tide them over the rough patch. In the third year of unemployment, he got a mouth-watering offer in Zambia and proceeded with the intention of long-distance commuting to keep the family unified. This was agreed with Linda, who felt unsure about leaving her lucrative job for the unknown in Zambia and had concerns about the impact on the children’s education. Boye thought he had it all under wraps, and for about a year, everything worked out just fine. Thereafter, the visits home came at longer intervals, and Linda could not make the trip over with the children except at Christmas. Boye attributed the reduced visits to his workload and his work-related responsibilities in other regions. By the time the children gained admission to the university and Linda saw the need to relocate to Zambia, she discovered that he had a daughter through an ongoing relationship in Zambia. Although this was deeply disconcerting to Linda, wise counsel prevailed, and she was able to win back her husband and accept the addition to the family.

Ike, on the other hand, was seconded by his company to serve in their regional office in Egypt. His wife, Morenike, was apprehensive about how the move could affect the family, so she quit her job and insisted that they relocate along with the children. Unfortunately, when she arrived in Egypt, the terrain was difficult for her, and obtaining a job proved impossible. She tried her hand at business enterprises but was equally unsuccessful. The situation put a strain on their relationship at home, resulting in Ike spending less time at home. Before she knew it, she fell into the temptation of having an extramarital relationship. This shattered the core of their relationship, with both parties putting up appearances for the public.

Havilah realises that employee migration is inevitable in a world that is fast becoming a global village, but the pros and cons must be weighed carefully, expectations spelt out and executed, and discipline and restraint exercised. Of course, numerous families have successfully charted the course of employee migration and have reaped its benefits. It, however, could put a strain on marriages and families and must therefore be carefully weighed and agreed upon before embarking on it. There is certainly no “One cap fits all,” and each family must consider their peculiarities before taking such decisions. As we migrate in search of greener pastures, let us bear in mind the words of my favorite piece…” Look at that bright star, always remember under that same star we’ll be together.”

Love

Havilah

RELINQUISHED RESPONSIBILITIES?

/ Motunde Dada / Leave a comment

Sunday was another Father’s Day, and Fathers were celebrated worldwide. As I listened to the charge for the day at my local church, I could not help but ponder a few things. A quick summary of the charge is required to enable you to connect the dots. The message to men highlighted their responsibility from three dimensions:

  1. Responsibility to family. The biblical instruction to provide for their family was stressed.
  2. Love for their wives.
  3. Raising their children with love and guidance rather than anger and frustration.

While ruminating over the charge later that day, I remembered two families who, some years back, had been acquaintances of mine at various times. My attention was drawn to the first responsibility, from the charge i.e., provision for the family.

The Bello family was a family of four comprising mother,  father, and two children. Mrs. Bello was the sole financial contributor to the family as her husband believed that, since she was financially capable, he should leave EVERYTHING to her – House rent, electricity bills, school fees, maintenance of the house, cars, etc. Whatever he earned was spent entirely on himself, and he saw no reason to do otherwise. While shirking his responsibilities towards his family, he still insisted that she fulfil hers in terms of household chores and mentoring the children. This continued for years with the wife bearing all responsibilities grudgingly. However, after the children left home, she filed for divorce, and it was only then that Mr. Bello realised his folly. When questioned about his reason for abdicating his responsibilities, he said he felt it was only fair that the person with the better financial package bear the responsibility, after all, the two had become one. His response was, “God continued to bless her, but things were not working out for me.” Mrs. Bello, on the other hand, explained that in the early days, she had implored him to put whatever little he had down for running the home, but all her pleading was ignored. She had then struggled to meet up with the responsibilities and found that over time, she received favour in all her endeavours, and things turned around positively. I then counselled him that “relinquished responsibilities result in relinquished blessings,” and because there is no vacuum in nature, God raised up his wife to fill the vacuum. It was a learning point for Mr. Bello as he was determined to right the wrongs by taking up responsibility for the home. Luckily. Mrs. Bello was ready to give him another chance.

For the Gbenros, it was an analogous situation in which Mrs. Gbenro was largely responsible for most of the spending. Unfortunately, despite Mr. Gbenro’s efforts, he was unable to secure a job. He, however, accepted employment far below his level to enable him to contribute to the family’s finances. He was not lazy and assisted in every way he could, thus winning the love and respect of his family. It was never evident to third parties who provided the finances, and the Gbenros exuded love. About 15 years into the marriage, fortune smiled on Mr. Gbenro, and he was blessed and favoured with employment that more than made up for the lean years. Obviously, he never relinquished his responsibilities even in the lean years. He had his challenges, but he did the best he could and earned the love, understanding, and cooperation of his wife.

Although today’s message may be tagged a Father’s Day message, it applies to all parents…RELINQUISHED RESPONSIBILITY ATTRACTS RELINQUISHED BLESSINGS. May we all be guided to play our roles.

Love

Havilah

CALMING THE STORM

/ Motunde Dada / 2 Comments

Keppy and Adia met during their NYSC (National Youth Service Corps) year and dated for six years thereafter. The delay in contracting their proposed marriage had been due to a series of challenges faced by Keppy, ranging from the challenge in gaining employment to the loss of his only brother. During the six years, Adia was exposed to Keppy’s family, both immediate and extended. At the end of the six years of the relationship, Keppy informed Adia that he was quitting the relationship. Adia was heartbroken, and after relating the situation to her mother, she was advised to discuss it with Keppy’s parents. (Unknown to Adia, the breakup was fostered by her prospective mother-in-law, Keppy’s mum).

When Adia approached Keppy’s mum on the subject, her response sent shock waves down her spine, as she was advised to lick her wounds and accept the decision. She then approached his dad, who washed his hands off the issue, advising that they settle their differences without third-party interference. Adia was totally devastated; she felt she had wasted six years of her life living in a fool’s paradise. There was, however, one beacon of hope – Keppy’s aunt Bertha, who loved them both dearly. She sought her out and, in answer to her prayers, Aunt Bertha encouraged and facilitated the reconciliation. While wading into the “crisis,” she discovered that her sister, Keppy’s mum, had sought the services of a prophetess to determine the suitability of the couple for each other and had been informed that Adia would walk out of the marriage if she did not die at childbirth. This had scared Keppy’s mum and prompted the hostility toward Adia.

Aunty Bertha facilitated the union, to the chagrin of her sister, insisting that after committing the couple in prayers, she was convinced that they were a perfect fit. They were united in marriage, but the marriage was fraught with an unwelcoming and sometimes belligerent attitude from Keppy’s mother. Adia tried everything she could to win back her place in her mother-in-law’s heart, but it only got worse.

Fast forward ten years, with two lovely sons added to the family, Keppy’s mum was riddled with a debilitating disease and forced to live with Keppy and Adia. Adia showered her with love and care, bending over backwards to make her feel comfortable and welcome. She related to her as she would her mother because she understood that Keppy and she were an indivisible unit, and consequently, his mother was hers as well. Her two lovely boys also needed the affection and love of their grandma, and that could only be engendered by the way she related to “mama,” as she fondly referred to her. Her unreserved display of love and care, wrought in “mama” a strong feeling of guilt at the treatment she had meted out to her over the years, and so one day, when Keppy and Adia were back from work and the children safely in bed, she approached them and craved their forgiveness. “It was out of ignorance,” she blurted out. Adia went to her with a smile and warm embrace, responding gently, “You had long been forgiven. Mama, I want to make a confession…your attitude was what spurred me to work at my marriage and ensure its success at all costs. Sometimes, challenges are the wind under our wings we need to fly. I thank God for our family.”

Love

Havilah

RING-A-RING-A-ROSES!

/ Motunde Dada / Leave a comment

I stopped by to see an old friend, Ebitemi, yesterday, to while away time and reminisce about “the good old days.” At about 4 pm, Omiete (her daughter) marched in with her two children – Biobele and Beredugo in tow, both looking petulant. As they walked in, their grandma called out, “Happy Children’s Day, my dearies,” holding out her arms for an expectant hug. Both chirped, “Thanks, Grandma, but there is nothing HAPPY about today.” Biobele, the older of the two, continued…”Mummy says she cannot take us out even to the movies as she has no money. What is Children’s Day without a treat?” Omiete tartly responded. “Stop whining, Biobele! Mom, they need to understand that these are tough times, and every expenditure must be carefully weighed. I just cannot afford the largesse now.” Without a word, Ebitemi pointed the children to her cookie jar filled with assorted homemade cookies and, after excusing herself, grabbed her daughter’s arm and dragged her to her room for a tête-à-tête. After about 30 minutes, Omiete emerged with a cheerful mien to find her “terrific two” as she often referred to the children, engrossed in a TV program. She managed to get them into the car with a promise of a surprise weekend activity to celebrate Children’s Day.

As my friend strolled back to join me, with a satisfied smile on her face, curiosity got the better of me and I inquired about what had transpired inside the room. She said she had merely reminded Omiete that quality family time is the foundation of bonding with the children and creating the fond memories that transcend time. Those memories are created by fun times that may not require loads of money but rather time and relationship building. I asked her to put on her creative cap and reminded her that it was during one such holiday, I taught her to bake and we reminisced over the burnt experiments we laughed over until she got it right. That opened a dam of memories for her as she recounted family picnics in the garden, folktale sagas interlaced with songs, cultural dance steps I had taught her, my secondary school escapades, and pranks. Much of what she pulled up I had long forgotten, but it was heartwarming to see that they had left an indelible mark on her. She had ended it all by saying, “Mom, I could almost write your biography from birth!” I then advised her to make out time while shutting out other pressures, to celebrate Children’s Day with them at the earliest opportune time. Her final words and display of affection threw me off balance. She threw her arms around me and with a huge hug and kiss, said “Mum, thank you for being a formidable mother – the best. I want to thank you for all that you did and still do. I especially cherish the Happy Children’s Day wish you sent today, and the beautiful prayer and affirmation attached. May God bless and keep you to see my grandchildren.” Honestly, dear, I felt so fulfilled and appreciated.

As parents, we must always seize opportunities to exhibit our love and care for our children. Our actions leave a lasting emotional attachment that transcends our departure. Not only will we be remembered on Mother’s Day and our special Anniversaries, but we will be treasured and missed for all time.

To ALL who are born of a mother…HAPPY CHILDREN’S DAY!

Love

Havilah

JEKYLL AND HYDE SYNDROME

/ Motunde Dada / 2 Comments

These are times when people’s mental health comes under stress as a result of prevailing socio-economic conditions all around the globe and women in particular, must learn to guard their mental state jealously. Depression is gaining ground, and we must be conscious and deliberate about maintaining a balance.

I accompanied an acquaintance to a mental institution recently, for her outpatient appointment, in treating her bipolar disorder. While in the waiting room, she introduced me to two other ladies with similar conditions…psychosis and depression. They were both willing to share the circumstances that precipitated their conditions.

Dabira, a sophisticated, widowed, upwardly mobile mother of three, was the first to take the plunge. “Havilah,” she started. “I was living a beautiful life with my late husband, oblivious that I was walking on a precipice until about five years ago when he became suddenly ill and died shortly after that. It was on his sick bed he confided in me about his HIV status which had been positive for over five years at the time. Little did I know that he had been on retroviral drugs although he had insisted on protected sex after the birth of Diran, our third child. His excuse had always been that we could not afford any “accidental pregnancy.” You can only imagine my shock! Bolade became so ill he could not keep a job and I almost ran mental raising the necessary funds for his treatment and medication for complications arising from his HIV status. I took on two jobs and sold practically everything we had while caring for three young children between the ages of five and seven. Despite everything, he still passed, and I had to pick up the pieces practically from zero. It was tough but God has seen me through. However, I sacrificed my mental state because of the trauma and stress I experienced. Initially, I could not keep down any jobs because of my severe mood swings but I have however been able to keep things under control with medication and counseling sessions. I had felt betrayed, but I had to salvage the situation by giving him the required support at the time. Anyway, I have put it all behind me and looking up to God, the author and finisher of my faith. Two of the children are now in Secondary school and the family is doing great.”

For Tarenabo, also a widow, she had narrowly missed being jailed for the death of her husband. Tare had been in an abusive marriage where she was brutally and physically abused regularly. One night, during such a session, she had summoned the strength to push her husband away and unfortunately, he careened head-first into the sliding doors of their living room. He had a cut on his forehead, but she decided to flee for her life, she hurriedly unlocked the door to the flat, ran barefoot, and took refuge at her friend’s house about five hundred metres away. By the time she returned home in the morning in the company of her friend and her husband, they found her husband’s body splayed on the floor by the broken glass. They rushed him to the hospital, but he gave up the ghost shortly after arriving at the hospital. Tarenabo was disconcerted and distraught as his death remained on her conscience, but her situation was only worsened by the reaction of her in-laws to the news of her husband’s death. They blamed her and sued her for murder with the hope that she would be jailed. Luckily, her plea of Self-defence was accepted by the court, and she was discharged and acquitted but she had to live with both the guilt that he died because of her reaction and the stigma thereto attached. At the time of the incident, she was four months pregnant. She constantly worried about what she would say to her son when he was old enough to inquire about his father.

Undoubtedly, the circumstances that traumatise and strain the mind thus putting a strain on our mental health are as varied and diverse as our faces, but one fact stands out, we must learn to guard our mental health jealously and decompress periodically, turning all our burdens over to God. We must enjoy healthy living and learn to take life less seriously. May the Lord give us the wisdom required in managing this delicate balance. Amen.

Love

Havilah