mental-health

THE DESERTED ROSE GARDEN

/ Motunde Dada / Leave a comment

As I hurried up to Belema’s place to pick up the special rose bouquet I had ordered for Valentine’s Day for my parents, I sat down to a cup of Chamomile tea and a quick chit-chat while the bouquet was being arranged. I couldn’t stop commenting on the healthy beautiful array of roses and the lovely fragrance from the garden which was close to the kitchen window. Belema smiled and took a deep sigh after which she interrupted my comments with the following, “Hmmm…when I think of how this garden started, I cannot but marvel at how God turns things around for good. Some thirty-odd years ago, I recognised the fact that Diepriye, my husband, was never available for us to bond. Shortly after our honeymoon, he was always out with the boys till late and I hardly saw him whether on weekdays or weekends. Initially, I attributed it to the fact that he had lived a bachelor’s life for long and was struggling with adapting to the concept of being married. This however persisted for about two years, so I decided it was time to read him the riot act. I threatened to leave if he continued with his attitude of abandonment and the Lord laid it on my heart to analyse marriage using a rose garden. This is what I said.”

“ Marriage is like a rose garden that blossoms with beautiful flowers and a sweet fragrance that beautifies everything around it. It evokes a peaceful and happy ambiance where everything thrives. Everything about the rose garden adds beauty, it attracts beautiful butterflies to it. Even the thorns were purposely created to defend it from external threats by invaders and predators. However, grooming the garden requires conscious effort in weeding, pruning, watering and generally tending it to achieve the desired results. I further explained that a rose garden that is abandoned or untended will undoubtedly fail to blossom over time and its fragrance will fade. It becomes a bush filled with unwanted and undesirable shrubs, weeds, and plants. The effort required to reinstate it to its previous state is double, entailing a lot of hard work in clearing the bush, replanting, tending, and watering. It is a begin-again approach and may not even yield as beautiful a garden as the earlier one.”

“Diepriye clearly understood the message and made a conscious effort to make himself available for communication and bonding opportunities thereafter. He it was who then mooted the idea of planting a rose garden to always keep himself in check. It is a reminder of what he almost lost and serves also as a place where we can both invest our time and ideas in tending the garden, while at the same time, tending our marriage.”

I must admit, I was bowled over by the analogy and the deep insight it afforded. I sought Belema’s approval to share this beautiful analogy on my page and, here you have it. It serves as a guide to intending couples and a reminder to all couples that marriages are to be enjoyed. He who finds a wife finds a good thing says the Holy book. Marriage must be carefully tended and protected to enable it to flourish and become a reference point to all intending couples. This of course means that early in the relationship, the couple must create bonding time and engage in communication which will help them evaluate how well they are doing. In this season of Valentine, Havilah wishes all readers, a HAPPY VALENTINE!

P.S. Show some love to all around you and appreciate one another.

Love

Havilah

MACHISMO AND ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

/ Motunde Dada / Leave a comment
Characters Design Vector Art Illustration. A strong worker wears a hard hat and smiles and stands with one fist on his hip and unrolls a medieval paper scroll.

Banjo had always considered himself a “stud”  when it came to sexual activities and was proud of his prowess. Suddenly, at the age of fifty-four, he could no longer sustain an erection. Try as he could and with all the cooperation from his pretty and active wife Marilyn, he couldn’t keep it up. This caused him grave concern and he became increasingly possessive about his wife. He felt emasculated. The more he failed to meet his expectations, the more intolerant and abrasive he became, and he gradually slipped into alcohol abuse.

However, Marilyn understood his situation and would often assist and encourage him. As he became more depressed about his situation, she offered to accompany him in seeking medical attention and/or counseling. All her offers were rebuffed as Banjo preferred to blame her for the situation.

One Saturday, Banjo went over to Joe’s house to watch the World Cup finals. ( Joe was his seventy-year-old friend with whom he could unwind.) Banjo hit the vodka bottle with venom and by half-time, the bottle was three-quarters empty. As Joe moved the bottle away, he cautioned “Banjo, if you continue this way your life will be cut short. It appears something is eating at you!” While flailing his arms, Banjo blurted out “Of what use am I when I cannot satisfy my wife…I am impotent!” Joe, an older and more experienced man, having himself treated erectile dysfunction, allowed Banjo to vent and when he was calmer, he got into Banjo’s car and drove him home. The next day, he visited Banjo and after enlightening him about the condition and how he had handled and overcome it, he took him to see his doctor.

Erectile dysfunction is the inability to have or maintain an erection thereby preventing a man from having or finishing sexual intercourse. When this becomes a regular occurrence, men tend to become discomfited by it and may react in diverse ways based on their personality types. This condition is quite common especially in older men although men in their forties have been known to experience it. However, if effectively managed, the couple can enjoy satisfactory intercourse.

The treatment regimen proffered is usually determined by the cause of the condition, which is broadly classified as physical, psychological, or lifestyle choices. Examples of physical causes include diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, sclerosis, prostate enlargement, chronic kidney disease, fatigue, and Parkinson’s as well as some of the associated treatments and medication.

Psychological causes vary and include depression, stress, anxiety, and relationship issues while Lifestyle choices include abuse of drugs, alcohol, and tobacco.

Treatment could therefore consist of any or a combination of the following:

  1. Medication to manage the underlying physical or psychological conditions.
  2. Counselling. This is advised for the couple as the partner has a part to play in the acceptability and the healing process. She needs to understand his concerns and show empathy and cooperation.
  3. Lifestyle changes e.g. weight watching, exercise, quitting smoking, alcohol and drug abuse, and stress management.
  4. Vacuum Constriction Devices (VCD).
  5. Surgery in instances of blockage.
  6. Alternative therapy through supplements and Herbal Remedies.

It is however important that where ED(erectile dysfunction) is suspected, a doctor’s physical and laboratory examinations will be required to make a diagnosis and enable effectual treatment.

Havilah advises that where the partners do not view it as an issue, there are other ways in which they can experience meaningful and satisfactory relationships but where it threatens to destabilise the relationship, help should be sought.

Love

Havilah

JEKYLL AND HYDE SYNDROME

/ Motunde Dada / 2 Comments

These are times when people’s mental health comes under stress as a result of prevailing socio-economic conditions all around the globe and women in particular, must learn to guard their mental state jealously. Depression is gaining ground, and we must be conscious and deliberate about maintaining a balance.

I accompanied an acquaintance to a mental institution recently, for her outpatient appointment, in treating her bipolar disorder. While in the waiting room, she introduced me to two other ladies with similar conditions…psychosis and depression. They were both willing to share the circumstances that precipitated their conditions.

Dabira, a sophisticated, widowed, upwardly mobile mother of three, was the first to take the plunge. “Havilah,” she started. “I was living a beautiful life with my late husband, oblivious that I was walking on a precipice until about five years ago when he became suddenly ill and died shortly after that. It was on his sick bed he confided in me about his HIV status which had been positive for over five years at the time. Little did I know that he had been on retroviral drugs although he had insisted on protected sex after the birth of Diran, our third child. His excuse had always been that we could not afford any “accidental pregnancy.” You can only imagine my shock! Bolade became so ill he could not keep a job and I almost ran mental raising the necessary funds for his treatment and medication for complications arising from his HIV status. I took on two jobs and sold practically everything we had while caring for three young children between the ages of five and seven. Despite everything, he still passed, and I had to pick up the pieces practically from zero. It was tough but God has seen me through. However, I sacrificed my mental state because of the trauma and stress I experienced. Initially, I could not keep down any jobs because of my severe mood swings but I have however been able to keep things under control with medication and counseling sessions. I had felt betrayed, but I had to salvage the situation by giving him the required support at the time. Anyway, I have put it all behind me and looking up to God, the author and finisher of my faith. Two of the children are now in Secondary school and the family is doing great.”

For Tarenabo, also a widow, she had narrowly missed being jailed for the death of her husband. Tare had been in an abusive marriage where she was brutally and physically abused regularly. One night, during such a session, she had summoned the strength to push her husband away and unfortunately, he careened head-first into the sliding doors of their living room. He had a cut on his forehead, but she decided to flee for her life, she hurriedly unlocked the door to the flat, ran barefoot, and took refuge at her friend’s house about five hundred metres away. By the time she returned home in the morning in the company of her friend and her husband, they found her husband’s body splayed on the floor by the broken glass. They rushed him to the hospital, but he gave up the ghost shortly after arriving at the hospital. Tarenabo was disconcerted and distraught as his death remained on her conscience, but her situation was only worsened by the reaction of her in-laws to the news of her husband’s death. They blamed her and sued her for murder with the hope that she would be jailed. Luckily, her plea of Self-defence was accepted by the court, and she was discharged and acquitted but she had to live with both the guilt that he died because of her reaction and the stigma thereto attached. At the time of the incident, she was four months pregnant. She constantly worried about what she would say to her son when he was old enough to inquire about his father.

Undoubtedly, the circumstances that traumatise and strain the mind thus putting a strain on our mental health are as varied and diverse as our faces, but one fact stands out, we must learn to guard our mental health jealously and decompress periodically, turning all our burdens over to God. We must enjoy healthy living and learn to take life less seriously. May the Lord give us the wisdom required in managing this delicate balance. Amen.

Love

Havilah