Parenting

THE WINDOW

/ Motunde Dada / 1 Comment

Seated at the reception lobby of a hospital a few days ago, I witnessed some incidents which got me thinking about the generation Alpha and their parents. At the hospital, I watched two young mothers manage their three-year-old babies and it got me thinking…hmmm.

The first mum left her three-year-old boy causing a cacophony by bouncing her phone charger on the metal chairs. Oblivious to him and his antics, she watched a movie on her phone, unconcerned until the “young man” started yelling to use the bathroom. Her response was a calm, ” pee on yourself – you have diapers on.” The grandma in me screamed…after potty training him all you can say is pee on yourself? Why did you bother training him? I restrained myself from uttering a word and was glad at the boy’s insistence which eventually got her up from her phone to take him to the bathroom. The second mum had just returned from the treatment room with her daughter who was crying her heart out and all she could do was try to appease her with biscuits, chocolates etc. all to no avail. The little one refused to be bribed as she cried even louder calling for her daddy. At this point, I could no longer hold my peace as I turned around and asked – “are you, her mother? Just hug and pet her.” As I spoke, a matronly woman in her middle age, seated beside her reached out to the girl and nestled her in her bosom. The little girl stopped crying and was rocked into silence.

Both ladies left me still seated in the lobby and I played over what I had just witnessed in my mind. The questions that befuddled my mind were –

  1. Which way humanity? When did it matter more to a mother to watch a movie than to pay attention to a child who was begging for attention? The child was obviously bored which was why he had been disturbing the peace with loud clanging of the metal chairs, but she not only ignored him but was insensitive to the comfort of others present in the lobby.
  2. Why would a mother encourage a child who was toilet trained to pee in their diaper when the facility had toilets? Was it laziness or lack of understanding? The answer – your guess is as good as mine.
  3. What has happened to the motherly instinct of instinctively cuddling a hurting child? Have we become so insensitive that we now replace caring with material benefits. Why would a mother’s immediate reaction to a wailing child be to offer a “pacifier” lacking the warmth of an embrace?
  4. What would we then expect from children who are raised without the attendant care reminiscent of motherhood especially as they live in a world of robotics? Are we raising “Human Robots” or human beings? May the Lord help us.

If we fail to enable the right bonding from infancy, what happens when the pressures of providing for them catch up on us. The problem with some teenagers is defiance. Parents seem to have replaced love and care with provision and sometimes with material possessions and the teenagers are rebelling because all they need is to be relevant in their parent’s lives. They then seek that relevance elsewhere which may lead them into dangerous waters. When the parents start feeling the pain, it is seen as a way of getting back on them for perceived deprivation of love and care. Let us hope it does not end in disaster for the family.

As we look out through the open window, we have a responsibility to correct erring parents and remind them that their responsibilities transcend provision and material possessions can never replace the bonding required between them and their children.

Love

Havilah

Elderly Blues?

/ Motunde Dada / 2 Comments

Papa and Mama Tembu had lived very energetic and fruitful lives in their professions as a University Professor and Radiologist, respectively. Having hit 70 and 67 years respectively, they decided to retire from the bustling capital city in which they had spent most of their adult life, back to the suburbs where they built their retirement home. This meant a gradual reduction in activity. Two years after the move, Papa Tembu was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and Mama Tembu had to take on his care. Within a year, Mama Tembu was involved in an accident while returning from an errand to the city on behalf of her husband and ended up with paralysis. This brought their three children (all diasporans) back home to make cogent decisions regarding their parents’ welfare. The older two were based in Australia and Japan, respectively, so the responsibility to coordinate their care fell on Funeka, the only female among them who was also closest in proximity, living in Germany. They employed a caregiver, cook, and driver, and Funeka coordinated efforts through daily phone calls and video calls, as well as an annual two-week visit when she could get time off work.

While Funeka tried her best to monitor events, there were some lapses resulting in undesirable consequences at times, as the paid personnel either omitted or neglected to fulfill their responsibilities effectively. She also discovered collusion from time to time and effecting personnel changes was never easy. Whenever she was on the ground or any of her siblings, the household ran smoothly, so they figured that the household needed closer monitoring to work effectively – a situation where someone could give surprise visits and take quick decisions. This proved difficult to resolve as most of their friends were resident in the city or abroad and occupied with earning a living. Extended family dynamics had changed with members being dispersed and a change in levels of education and socio-economic dispositions.

The children tried weighing the options. Do they :-

  1. Relocate the parents to live with one of them?
  2. Rotate them among all three of them?
  3. Relocate each separately?
  4. Place them in an institution for the elderly (if available back home)?
  5. Employ a Manager/Personal Assistant to manage their affairs?

Relocation brought along immigration related challenges, adaptation to an unfamiliar environment, as well as other considerations, while institutionalising them was fraught with emotional considerations. Could they trust a Personal Assistant to do his work, and how stable would such an arrangement be?

These are some of the challenges that beset the elderly today and reflect the reality of our times.

The Elderly often experience loneliness and disquiet as they reflect on some of these challenges as they respond to life’s changing circumstances. This state can oscillate between fleeting moments of nostalgia or loneliness and more enduring periods of quiet sorrow. As a result, the elderly may find it harder to reach out or maintain connections. Family and friends, unsure how to respond, might inadvertently pull away, deepening the isolation. Communication can become stilted, and misunderstandings may arise, further complicating relationships.

Aging is both a privilege and a challenge. The elderly blues, though tinged with sadness, are also a testament to love, memory, and the passage of time. By acknowledging this emotional landscape and responding with compassion, society can help elders find solace, purpose, and joy, reminding us all that every stage of life is worthy of dignity and care.

A parting word for the children – this is the time when love, understanding, care and sacrifice has to be shown in appreciation for all that was poured out on them by the parents. It takes careful consideration to enable the best decisions to be taken that will work for both the parents and children alike. Most importantly, it requires God’s guidance and wisdom. May the Lord help us all.

Love

Havilah

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

/ Motunde Dada / Leave a comment

As I walked out of the shopping mall, deep in thought because I came away with nothing because everything, I picked had price tags that did not make sense to me, my thoughts were interrupted by the security men’s “Seasons Greetings!”

Immediately, my mind switched gears to the reality that we are indeed in the “holiday season.” What will it mean to us this year? Harsh economic realities worldwide, insecurity, rumours of war…the list goes on. For the adult, there is nothing happy about this season except the fact that God sent his only begotten son to give us Salvation and we are alive despite the odds. However, how do you explain to the children who are looking forward to the holidays and Christmas in particular, that these are peculiar times? I thought of my neighbour’s children who are so looking forward to the Holiday Season and then it struck me…children are easily excited. A treat does not necessitate Eateries and the like. Some simple things work for them as they can be highly creative about play. Some of the thoughts I have are shared here.

  1. Take them anywhere safe with plenty of space e.g. parks etc. They like to run around, play ball, and other games like catchers, rats and rabbits, and anything that will exhaust them.
  2. Bonding time with parents telling stories and folk tales, especially those accompanied by memorable songs. Passing down some skills like baking, carpentry, mosaic pictures, paper mâché models, knitting, artwork, beading, etc.
  3. A change of environment e.g. visiting grandparents, spending time with cousins and close relations, a trip to some of the “places of interest” or tourist attractions in your environment. Places like Museums, Airports, Sea ports, Train stations, Amusement Parks, Mountain ranges, Springs, etc. This could be both a learning experience and relaxation for them. Even a visit to a mall or shopping area they have never been. Parents who are not Thalassophobic or aquaphobic (afraid of large bodies of water) may take them to the lake or beachfront around where you live on a picnic with packed food, drinks, playthings and games like board games, cards, buckets, boomerangs, etc.
  4. Preparing specialty dishes that they love at home rather than taking them to an eatery. Involving them in the preparation e.g. fried rice, doughnuts /puff puff, meat pies, chin-chin etc. Making them part of the preparation gives them some excitement.

If the family can afford it, at least one of the parents should take some time off at this period, to spend the much-needed time with the children. These are times that demand that one puts on their thinking cap and display creativity, to ensure the children have an enjoyable time regardless of the challenging times. The season must be planned ahead to make the most of it which is why I think this is the right time for this discussion.

Usually, various religious and corporate bodies also have arrangements for children during the festive season in the form of fairs, parties, and picnics, so parents should be on the lookout for such freebies for their children.

I want to wish all parents, grandparents, and children especially….”HAPPY HOLIDAYS.” Importantly though, please incorporate thoughts and activities for the reason for the season!

Love

Havilah