Omotara is an upwardly mobile banker with a First generation bank and is married to Abdul. They have two lovely children aged four and two respectively, capably handled by a reliable and efficient maid named Emem. Both children are usually taken to their  school nearby by Emem and picked up after school hours by her.

Trouble erupted when Emem lost her mother and had to travel to Eket for the burial. This took her away for a whole week. On the second day of her absence, Omotara woke up early, prepared the children for school, fixed breakfast for all and dropped them off at school with instructions to Abdul, to pick them from school and drop them off at their grandma’s place, from where she would pick them on her way home. This was agreed by both parties seeing as Abdul, a partner with a Structural Engineering firm ten minutes drive from home, worked flexible hours.

Omotara was shocked to receive a call from the children’s school at about 4pm, three hours after school was over, informing her that the children were yet to be picked up. She placed a call to Abdul who unfortunately could not be reached so she had to truncate her meeting so as to pick them to grandma’s place. She returned to work and later picked them from grandma’s house en-route home.

She arrived home only to find Abdul in front of the television munching on some fruits and sipping some water.  Upon seeing her, he immediately demanded his supper and Omotara barely reined in her anger as she went into the kitchen to fix dinner for both of them.The children were already bathed and fed at grandma’s place. She gasped in exasperation as she discovered that the breakfast dishes/plates were still in the sink unwashed. She immediately set dinner in motion while doing the dishes and succeeded in putting the children to bed. After serving Abdul his dinner, she walked into their bedroom to find his work clothes strewn all over the bed which had not been made since they left home. At that point, anger erupted and she summoned Abdul with a loud yell. The following exchange then occurred:

Omotara: “Abdul…you are damn irresponsible. First, you did not pick the children from school like you were supposed to and you have not followed up to find out when, and how they were picked up or where they were. Worse still, you got in long before I did yet you did not think of rendering assistance by doing the dishes or even the bed. Instead, you sat waiting for me to come in and get you dinner. You are so inconsiderate and uncaring. Emem is away and you know the nature of my work, the least you can do is render a little assistance to ease the burden.”

Abdul retorts: “ I don’t understand what the ranting is about! Since when did it become a man’s responsibility to keep home. Yes, I forgot to pick the children, after all, it is not part of my usual routine and it was an honest omission.  My responsibility to you as a man is to provide your financial needs and I do that so that makes me responsible. I also satisfy you sexually I believe. What more do you expect from me? It is your business to meet my needs, take care of the home and children and it is up to you to find a way of coping”.

The altercation got Omotara thinking deeply as to the roles of husband and wife and she found herself recalling an earlier conversation with her childhood friend Derin, who was insistent on finding a husband with the “right attitude to roles in marriage”. Derin touted a theory that most young men are spoilt and lack a sense of responsibility as well as the ability to be selfless. In Derin’s words “They are self centred , self indulgent and self seeking, putting their comfort and interest above every other person inclusive of their children. They feel marriage is all about providing financial support and sexual obligations rarely realising that the woman is in need of intimacy not sex, she expects respect for her person, assistance in working as a team, quality bonding conversations and outings etc”. Omotara however juxtaposes this view against the roles and responsibilities spelt out to them by the Chairman of their wedding reception – exactly what Abdul had recounted during their exchange.

Omotara also remembers one key sentence that resonates with her – “Make Christ the centre of your marriage”. Christ preached LOVE and the bible teaches in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 that “Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it does not dishonour others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”. With that, she recalls one of her favorite Children’s Church choruses – “J-O-Y this is what it means, Jesus First, Yourself last and Others in-between”. She concludes her reflections with a self realisation and calmness that to experience JOY in her marriage, she must place Christ first and her husband before herself. She can exhibit the fruits of the Holy spirit as contained in Galatians 5:22-23. These are : Love, Joy, Peace,Patience, Kindness, Generosity, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control.  She then vows to apologise for her outburst and await a suitable time to discuss her concerns with Abdul in a more amenable manner.

Love

Havilah