It is thirty years into the marriage of Telema and Tonworigho. The seemingly happy couple got married early and experienced the usual challenges in marriage that are common to young couples. Luckily, they had their two children early – Teks and Boma – who are now working in a different city from their parents. Through the years, Tonworigho played his role as a father by providing for his family financially. All attempts by Telema to make him see the reason for bonding with his family via other fatherly or husbandly roles failed. Tonworigho took his work seriously but also took his time out with the boys and clubbing as well as other “juvenile” activities, equally seriously. Telema was often left to relate with the children. It was she who knew their daily pains and gains, friends, challenges, and successes in school as well as other extra-curricular activities. Tonworigho’s view was that his role in the family was solely that of provision.

Over the years, Telema got used to Tonworigho being the absentee husband/father and as the children grew older and less dependent on her, she progressively increased the time spent on her career and rose to the position of Vice President of the Bank at which she worked. Tonworigho on the other hand, lost his job because of his philandering activities. Since then, he had not been able to hold things together financially with his export business. Consequently, the marriage has been characterised more recently by misplaced aggression and regrets regarding lost opportunities. Telema has however been the victim of his vented frustration with increased emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Gaslighting has become the order of the day as Tonworigho tries to turn the tables of guilt on his wife.

Now, at age 52, Telema is torn between seeking a divorce and continuing to live under conditions she considers emotionally unhealthy. After all, since Tonworigho locked her out of the matrimonial home and only took her back when the children intervened, she has slept in the guest room. She continues to go through the motions of being “The perfect wife” to the outside world but she knows she is living a lie. Communication is a rarity between them and although Tonworigho keeps telling her “I love you. I can’t live without you”, she questions his understanding of love.

Upon deep reflection of the relationship, she weighs her options. If she decides to stay in the marriage, she fears for her sanity and happiness. Life has become dreary, and she begins to envisage her retirement years. She desires a happy and active life with the liberty to associate in activities and with persons that enliven her. She no longer feels anything towards Tonworigho other than a sense of responsibility and to some extent, empathy at his wasted years. However, she recalls that in the earlier years, Tonworigho had provided the necessary financial anchor. Would it be fair to leave him to his fate now? She battles with the thought of what his actions and inactions were doing to her. He had often threatened to commit suicide if she left him and Telema did not want his death on her conscience. Their relationship has gravitated into one of codependency which scares the hell out of her. She just keeps giving into the relationship while Tonworigho’s taking is draining her. What should she do? How would the children react? What will the world say? Should she get separated or go the whole hog and get divorced? What would happen to her image as a role model to younger couples? Myriads of questions assail her thoughts on the matter.

On the other hand, she muses, how long could she keep up appearances? With the current situation, she needs companionship for her golden years. Should she stick with Tonworigho purely for companionship reasons or orchestrate her freedom? After all the saying goes “The devil you know is better than the angel you do not know”. But then, what quality of companionship should she expect…they had grown apart over the years and she needs to be deliberate for it to work. Such is the dilemma facing Telema.

GLOSSARY OF TERMS

PHILANDERING – Frequently indulging in casual sexual relationships with women.

CODEPENDENCY – Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship where a person (the giver) sacrifices their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other person (the taker).

GASLIGHTING – Extended psychological manipulation

Havilah: Can we help Telema out of her dilemma? Your ideas would be most appreciated. Please place it in the comments section of the blog and God bless you as you do.

Love

Havilah