Nancy calls up her friend Billie, distraught, as she seeks answers on how to manage a tricky situation involving her only child – Meme. Meme (her son) was the result of an adulterous affair she had with a Minister of State while she was at the University. It had been an unanticipated pregnancy and Nancy had insisted on keeping it despite the father’s adamant rejection. Musa (Meme’s father) had negated the idea of keeping the child as he could not afford a scandal that could jeopardise both his career and his home. He was however coerced into caring for the child although under a very secretive arrangement whereby his identity would never be disclosed. Thus, he became a “phantom father” to Meme, who lacked nothing other than the presence and relationship of a father. This was more so since Nancy, had never married but rather chose to remain a single parent. Now, Meme at sixteen returned home from school and was insistent on full disclosure concerning his father. If dead, he demanded to know his father’s relatives and why he went by his grandparents’ name. He demanded clarity regarding the circumstances of his birth and Nancy was at her wits end on what answers to give.

Billie, also a single parent by virtue of her divorce with Cyril was equally confused about how to address her friend’s predicament. Her situation was different, though also fraught with its own peculiar challenges. She had agreed to a co-parenting arrangement with Cyril who had remarried and had another family. Their daughter – Bobo, therefore, alternated between her home and her father’s. This however left young Bobo confused as to processes and activities because of marked differences in the parenting styles of each home. The differences cut across wake-up time, reaction to household chores, food choices and even bedtime. For Bobo who is twelve, it is dizzying, and she prefers Cyril’s lifestyle but loves her mother greatly. Billie switches her thoughts back to her friend – Nancy, she tries to calm her down and advises that she brings it up at the next Single Mothers Forum anchored by Duro Matanbule, scheduled to hold the next Tuesday. Duro would have the answers or can reach out to her plethora of contacts that can address the challenge.

Duro herself has a story to tell. She was known to be filled with wisdom, experience, and compassion for single mothers. A single parent herself, she had been gang raped as a teenager and had given birth to her son – Feranmi. (She never desired to know the father and it took her a while to overcome the stigma attached to his birth). She however met the love of her life – Iremi – ten years later. He adopted Feranmi and they got married. Three years after the birth of their daughter – Nifemi, Iremi passed away in a ghastly motor accident, leaving Duro to continue life as a single parent. Duro’s challenges started when at Iremi’s passing, a member of his extended family informed Feranmi that he was not Iremi’s son and that he should look for his father. The peaceful home was shattered as the boy struggled with the loss of the person, he had always considered to be his father, and the new revelation communicated to him. Duro had dealt with the aftermath of the revelation and succeeded in restoring peace and understanding to her household. Billie hoped desperately, that Duro would have the answers to her friend’s predicament.

Havilah: ‘The reasons for single motherhood are as varied as the individuals involved and are based on the peculiarities of each person’s circumstances. They however share a common challenge as relates to the children- how to give them the feel of a balanced home and how to explain the absence of a father figure, whether in part or totally. Any woman who finds herself in the position of a single parent must be prepared for this challenge as it is bound to rear its head sooner or later.”

Havilah uses this medium to appreciate all who took time out to advise Telema in the Dilemma and to convey Telema’s profound appreciation for the words of advice that were expressed with candour.

In the same vein, Nancy would be truly appreciative of advice on how to manage her son – Meme’s demands. Please respond in the comments section of the blog and God bless you even as you help a sister in distress.

TERMS

CO-PARENTING is a situation in which both parents of a child undertake together to take on the care, activities, and upbringing of a child even when they are divorced, separated, or not in a relationship. Both invest equally in the well-being of the child.

Love

Havilah