I was opportune to be in a gathering of young upwardly mobile professional ladies when I had an uproar from a far corner of the room. Some ladies had just chorused “Let the single breathe o” amid gales of laughter. The target of the banter was a lady named Busayo who recently engaged, was flaunting her dazzling ring to the admiration of her friends. I approached the group and congratulated the excited Busayo, then beckoned on the three most vocal members of the group for a discussion.

“Hi ladies” I started hesitantly. “It appears you ladies were obviously enjoying the banter, but please pardon my curiosity, are you beautiful young ladies single and if yes, would you mind sharing your reasons?”

Ogechi – tall, slim, and elegantly poised, was the first to respond. She could easily have won a beauty contest. “Aunty, for me, I am tired of the young men I come across. I am 36 going on 37 and over the years I have reached the conclusion that most lack the confidence and composure to connect with me. They do not measure up to standard particularly as relates to my core values of honesty and integrity which I consider to be of extreme importance in a relationship. They appear intimidated by my credentials and successful career. After 2 or 3 dates, they chicken out and worse still they lack the confidence to face me and tell me outright that they are no longer interested. This irritates me as I make it a duty to inform them from the outset that I am not dating for fun but rather, have my focus on marriage. Unfortunately, I am not ready to reduce my standards.”

Aduke cuts in “My personal belief is that marriage works out for only a few. There are too many failed marriages around me for me to desire marriage, my parents not being an exception. Many are experiencing toxic relationships and are constantly at each other’s throats. The atmosphere around them is so charged that you could get bruises by being around them. Then, there are several of our peers who rushed into marriage with euphoria and enthusiasm but have since exited. Marriage appears overrated and doesn’t appear to be what it was cut out to be in the first instance. As for me, my heart is fragile, it has been once broken, having gathered the fragments, I cannot afford another heartbreak. It will shatter me. I am guarding my heart jealously.” She laughs.

During the tirade, Murna remained pensively quiet but felt it was now time to break the silence. In a quiet but deliberate manner, she explained. “For some inexplicable reason, I have never been approached in that regard. Don’t get me wrong, I have male friends but purely on a platonic level. But then, our society considers it out of place for a woman to initiate the move. I have liked a couple of my friends enough to progress the relationship but do not understand how to migrate the friend zone and move to the next level.”

Having listened attentively to their experiences and concerns I tried to enlighten them on the institution of marriage as a desirable and enjoyable thing without downplaying the challenges. The pros certainly outweigh the cons and staying in a marriage builds maturity and a better understanding of human weaknesses. I believe it is every woman’s innate desire to settle in marriage and build a family but there are several mitigating factors including mistrust, misconceptions, the fear of hurt, negative experiences, etc. I believe parents, religious bodies, and marriage counselors have a responsibility to project the right image of marriage – how it is intended. As parents, we should realise that our own marriages are the first lens through which our children and their peers view marriage. Our marriage forms the base template so we must be mindful about what we project through our relationships. The religious bodies and counselors also have a responsibility to educate and enlighten singles regarding the expectations, challenges and navigation methods required for a successful marriage, highlighting the benefits. This should be arranged periodically for teenagers and young adults.

Last but not least, I am of the opinion that like in Murna’s situation, ladies should be encouraged to subtly drop a hint or engage a mutual friend to introduce the subject to a man to which she is attracted. He may be feeling inadequate, afraid of a “No” or just not communicating his intentions properly.

We all have a responsibility to the next generation to keep the institution of marriage alive. It is a good thing as ordained by God.

Love

Havilah