I went on my usual inspirational walk a couple of days back and the idea of this topic kept reverberating in my brain, so here we are.

I recently received a post on social media, delivered to me through several platforms and persons which I will share here. My initial reaction was to ignore it but my mind wouldn’t let go. It is the story of an ex-military Nigerian male who committed suicide after killing his wife in the USA. The story, as told, is that the man was thriving in Nigeria but decided to send his family (wife and four children) to the U.S.A. in pursuit of a better life. He set up the wife in a Hairdressing business in the USA while he visited them intermittently. He eventually decided to relocate and join his family but unfortunately, things were not rosy for him there and the wife was much more affluent, she had become the breadwinner of the family. She started maltreating him and eventually moved to another house with the children. She then informed him that she had sold the house in which they previously lived, and he had a short time to look for an apartment to rent otherwise he would be evicted by the new owner. Worse still, he discovered she had a new lover. It was too much for him, he shot her and then himself. Very unfortunate and truly sad. The Bard (storyteller) continues with his conclusion that women are innately evil. They cannot be taken for who they present themselves to be. I however wonder whether the initiator of the post classifies his mother and close female relations in this same box.

Anyway, I put on my analytical spotlight on this expose and gleaning from my exposure to various circumstances at home and abroad, certain questions and possible scenarios come to mind. Unfortunately, the principal parties in the story are both late and there is no one to obtain the truth from. The questions that befuddle my mind are set out below:

1. How easy is it for a woman with four children to struggle alone with the children and survive in a start-up Hairdressing business in the USA? For one, with the exchange rate of the dollar to naira, it would have been difficult for the man to take care of all the family’s expenses in the USA on a naira income. Also, depending on the age of the children, she may have needed a caregiver to take charge while she worked to make up for the shortfall. She probably had to struggle quite a bit to make things work out prior to the business picking up.
2. During those tough days, what level of support did her husband give? Was there physical and/or emotional abuse experienced?
3. What kind of lifestyle was the husband living in Nigeria prior to joining the family? We know that most African men find it difficult to keep their pants zipped. Were there issues of infidelity? If yes, how was it handled?
4. It may have been frustrating for him to find himself in a position where his wife was more affluent. How did this affect his disposition toward her, and did she understand his frustrations and try to placate him, or did she flaunt her financial muscle?
5. Did she observe increasing hostility and violence thus instigating the decision to move away from him?
6. Did he consider the effect of leaving his children orphaned and how it would impact them? Obviously, this was a crime of passion, and it is always important to take a breather before acting on matters of the heart.

Honestly, I don’t have answers to the questions raised but I would always advise that families weather their storms together, especially young families. A situation where they separate for long periods, ostensibly to better their situation is usually counterproductive as there is a tendency to grow apart over the years. There is no way you can appreciate what each party is experiencing without being there and the separation usually results in schisms that are difficult to resolve.

I would like to conclude by saying that while there are persons who can seem inherently wicked, this is not restricted to a particular sex or race, most often, things are not always what they seem, and one should leave room for the benefit of the doubt before drawing conclusions. Social media is rife with malinformation, and it takes a discerning mind to surf it.

Love

Havilah