Dear readers, it is refreshing to be back after a well needed break. I must thank ID for keeping the blog running in all that time. I am sure you agree with me, he deserves an ovation , as I receive encouraging comments regarding the topics he handled. Once again ID, you are appreciated. Now to today’s topic.

Paula has been married to Tim for five years and is processing and analysing her feelings. She picks up her phone and in tears, she asks her closest pal – Bimpe – to stop by on her way to the shop. As Bimpe walks in through the kitchen door, Paula starts Bimpe, I am fed up with this marriage to Tim. It is like I barely know him, yet we courted for five years before we exchanged vows. The past five years have been a test of my patience starting a couple of months after the wedding. It started with Tim requesting that I quit my job to take care of Moni after birth. He later insisted that I be a stay-at-home mother, to take care of the children and home properly especially since Bodun came in quick succession after Moni. I readily agreed as I believed it was in the best interest of the home in general and the children in particular. After all, I could resume work when they have both started school. However, Tim now insists that I remain at home until they have both gained admission to the university. Can you imagine that? Why did I spend so many years acquiring an education if I did not use the certificate? As if that is not bad enough, he gets upset when I attend church programs outside of the Sunday services. He says I spend more time in church than with him at home. He also refuses to hire any home assistance and believes they would make me idle and redundant.

Finances are also a sore area. Any requests from me are turned down with stern “I am breaking my back to pay ALL the bills here! There is no room for frivolous expenditure. Even a simple suggestion for a dinner date is met with a cynical response… learn the recipes. It is a humdrum experience – no fun, no excitement…just household chores and caring for the children. The issues are hydra-headed.

Bimpe interrupted the tirade with “But Paula, did you not do a values and goal alignment before accepting his offer of marriage? It is important to align on your short-term and long-term goals as well as on values relating to everything that could crop up in marriage – finances, religion, spirituality, children (number and spacing), sex, work, investment, etc. This ensures that you work from the same template, thereby minimising disagreements since expectations are pre-agreed.” Bimpe later sought out Tim and convinced the couple to see a Marriage Counsellor who prescribed 10 tips for a healthy relationship which largely hinges on COMMUNICATION. They are:

1. Talk openly to each other about the relationship.
2. Set realistic expectations for each other and discuss them.
3. Realise that compromise is inevitable – concede some.
4. Schedule regular outings.
5. Support each other regarding your goals, dreams, and aspirations. This is only possible if you know what they are, so communicate.
6. Unlearn bad behaviour. Tim had learnt from his father not to entrust his wife with ALL information.
7. Display mutual respect.
8. Work as a team in the relationship and encourage each other with endearments, gifts, and kind gestures.
9. Be creative with problem-solving utilising careful communication.
10. Exhibit patience. Patience is a virtue.

Havilah advises intending couples to always discuss their goals and values and ensure alignment before marriage. The services of a Marriage counselor are also useful in emphasising both the religious norms as well as the practical issues enumerated above.

Love

Havilah

Nothing quite prepares most people for the relationship transition or transformation, when erstwhile ordinary friends turn to family through marriage. In some cases, one is perplexed or jolted and confused as to how to relate to the new family members who used to be just friends.

Jummai and Amina were course mates at the University and became quite close, visiting each other at home. It was during one of those visits to Amina’s house that Sulaiman, Amina’s close cousin met and showed interest in Jummai. Both eventually got married.

While Amina and Jummai were in school, Jummai had dated Basheer, a course mate. But Basheer wasn’t psychologically prepared to settle down when Jummai met Sulaiman, who was a little older and more mature. Even after getting married to Sulaiman, Jummai and Amina sometimes discussed Basheer. “Allah knows what’s happening to Basheer now” Amina once said, adding “Anyway, you’re now our wife. I wish him luck with another lady”, to which Jummai responded, “Yes indeed, I’m happy I met Sulaiman. I pray that Allah is kind enough to Basheer so he too can find a suitable life partner”. Both ladies always made sure that Sulaiman was not within earshot whenever they discussed Basheer. They both have been able to navigate their relationship, transitioning from being friends to becoming family.

Emeka and Chudi were the best of friends at the University and eventually got employed in the same organization. While in the University, Emeka had dated Nancy. They were both lovebirds on the campus, but while Emeka went to Yola for this mandatory national service, he was stunned to learn that Nancy got married to another man who came from abroad, and both traveled out. Emeka was distraught and for a long time could not consider any romantic relationship again. However, he got drawn to Chudi’s sister, Chioma who often served them whenever Emeka visited Chudi his friend. Chudi noticed, and told Emeka “Leave my sister alone o. We are both too close as friends to become in-laws. If something happens between you both, on whose side would I be?” he asked rhetorically, but Emeka responded, “You know me. Our bond of friendship would even get stronger, Chudi. It means I won’t do anything that would hurt you. We would have a double relationship as friends and in-laws”. It took a while, but since Chioma herself liked Emeka, they both got married and were happy together.

Wura and Atinuke were mates during their Advance Level studies and got even closer when they both gained admission to study at the same University. Wura’s male cousin, Segun often saw the two friends and showed interest in Atinuke. Wura was excited as she knew her friend to be a dutiful and homely person. She felt Atinuke would make a good wife for her cousin, and so enthusiastically encouraged the relationship. She did the matchmaking which ended in a happy marriage.

As time went on Atinuke started feeling uncomfortable addressing Wura by her first name as their Yoruba culture frowned at relatives’ wives addressing household members by name. Atinuke soon found a pet name for her erstwhile friend turned-in-law, and Wura too reciprocated by referring to Atinuke as “my sis”.

Have you found yourself in any of these situations when your friend became your in-law? How did you handle it? You may wish to share your experience with other readers.

ID

Love on behalf of Havilla. 

This is a topic that always draws divergent views from people, depending on who one is speaking with. Man is a social being, and therefore his/her conduct is bound to be viewed from divergent angles. Being complex, several organisations have had to draw up guidelines on interactions between members. For the purpose of this article, we are examining relationships between males and females in a work environment, which naturally can be controversial.

Take Lara and Emeka, both working in different departments of a top insurance company in the city. As a consequence of work related interactions they developed a relationship.One thing led to another and they started dating. Both Emeka and Lara were A-listers in their different departments, and the Human Resources Director had to call both in for a discussion having noticed their level of intimacy. “Emeka, it is no longer news that there seems to be a level of fondness between you and Lara. But as you both know, the office frowns at office romance because of the often ugly consequences which may impact negatively on general discipline. You may wish to consider the option of either of you resigning or being seconded to a sister organisation especially if you intend to have a closer relationship. Please take your time and let us know as quickly as possible.” After conferring with one another Emeka and Lara opted for the transfer of Lara to a sister company, got married and are blessed with two children.

The public sector on the other hand, does not interfere in the personal relationship between members of staff provided such relationship would not negatively impact staff discipline. This culture extends to the military and paramilitary services. There are however rules and regulations on conduct and what could be termed as misconduct. Acts of misconduct will always attract consequences. While the public service does not discourage interpersonal relationships, it frowns against sexual harassment of any form.

Tunde, a controller in a government agency in Kano, married with three children, was living alone as his family remained in Ibadan. He therefore regularly visited Ibadan in order to be with members of his family. He soon met Atinuke, a single lady senior executive in the same agency who was newly transferred from Lagos to Kano. Both met at the motor park one day and from their discussions realised a mutual challenge – loneliness. That was the onset of a romance that caused tongues to wag at the office. Since office romance was not considered misconduct, people minded their business. This was not for too long as Tunde’s wife unexpectedly barged into the office one day to lodge a complaint regarding a rumour that had filtered to her ears about the affair between her husband, Tunde and his colleague. It took some administrative expertise to douse the tension, and the Zonal Director helped to obtain transfer for Tunde to Ibadan, so as to be close to his family.   

In the case of Tamuno, a manager in the state ministry of agriculture who had recently lost his wife Abby in a fatal auto accident, he had to rely on his niece to help out with his two children. Tam, was good – looking and a dream husband for many ladies, but he was very careful to keep away from office romance.

Sotonye, a family friend and a close associate of Tamuno felt concerned for her family friend. “Tam, are you not considering settling down again? You can’t mourn forever.” “I know I won’t mourn forever, but it is not easy to socialise, especially having been away from the turf for some time” replied Tamuno.

“Have you ever considered dating someone, even in the office? There are quite a number of nice ladies from whom you can find a good companion and eventually a life partner” continued Sotonye. “It has never crossed my mind, and anyway, I’ll be the last to get involved in a scandal of sexual harassment. That will kill me”, Tam responded. “Of course, if it is mutually agreeable, there can’t be a case of sexual harassment, Tam” Sotonye replied. “There’s great difficulty in determining if a woman is interested in a relationship. A wrong move, and a man can be accused of sexual harassment” Tam replied haltingly. “You may be correct there Tam, but I’m a woman and I work in the HR Department. I know quite a few who give you the ‘come get me’ sign. If you look well, you’ll notice. However, it would be unprofessional for me to tell you that a specific person could be interested in you,” Sotonye encouraged.

So, this is the dilemma in office relationships. The scenarios and dynamics are as varied as the personalities and environment. Some end in bliss while others end in heartaches. Who makes the first move doesn’t necessarily determine who is more interested.

It would be nice to hear comments from our readers, what are your thoughts?

Love, ID.

On behalf of Havila