Listening to a podcast today where the influencer stressed the importance of preparing for old age, I realised that the significance of preparing for the “empty nest” as part of preparations for old age, is often undermined. However, experience has shown that family relationship requires as much investment as financial and self-care, in ensuring a satisfying old age. Let us contrast two families known to me.

The Harry family is one in which all three children have” fled the coop.” Two are married and settled abroad, while the third, though single, lives in a rented apartment in the same city with his parents. Each time I visit, Mama Harry is hardly home, traveling, visiting the children or other family members if not at one function or the other. Papa Harry is usually left at home in the hands of his caregiver, with little or no social interaction.

On one of the occasions, I was able to pin Mama down and subtly hint that Papa pines for his family, and that they should spend more time around him or arrange for him to visit. She took a deep breath and responded, “Thank you, my dear. It is a predicament my husband brought on himself. In his younger days, he neglected to invest either time and/or finances in the family. All my entreaties were ignored as he was always out of the home in the company of friends. He considered himself a socialite so invested in his social circle. In addition, he subjected me to emotional abuse which was visible to the children and other persons who lived with us. All my attempts to make him see reason were rebuffed, and I recall saying, I hope his friends will be there for him in his old age. He practically ostracised himself from his children’s development by his actions and so it came as no surprise that when the children could afford to, they moved out. I have since forgiven him, but he needs to forgive himself and make reconciliatory moves towards his children. He missed the opportunity to bond with his family when he should have, forgetting that a time like this is bound to happen.”

 I heaved a deep sigh and promised to encourage Papa to make the reconciliatory move to enable him to have peace before his passing.

On the other hand, the Johnson family is so blest. Anytime I visit Mama and Papa Johnson, they are together. They do practically everything together and you can see the radiant glow on their faces and feel the warmth around them. In their case, all four children are abroad spread out in separate locations, but they jointly care for their parents. They visit together, take walks together, travel together, and do everything in unison. If at any event you see one before the other, rest assured the partner is close by. I was intrigued by the level of cooperation they share and when I approached Mama, she had this to say. “It feels great that after so many years of sharing my husband with the children, work, and others, I have him all to myself again. We started life together before the children came along, and as the phases came, he always found time to invest time, finances, and prayers in his family. He is a good man and deserves all the love, happiness, and care we can give him. He never shirked his responsibilities even when we went through some challenging times. I intend to be by his side till death do us part.”

My encounter with both Mamas left a distinct understanding of the idiomatic expression “As you lay your bed so shall you lie on it.” Much as I feel for Papa Harry and believe there is a place for forgiveness, it is important for all to realise that investing in the family forms an important part of preparing for old age.

It should also be noted that this applies to both mothers and fathers alike as some women abandoned their homes and children but ended up lonely and bitter, wishing they had done things differently. One must not frustrate the likelihood of companionship in old age. The impact of loneliness in old age can be crippling.

Love

Havilah