Joy had been married for “two miserable years” of her life, as she always described it. A couple of months back, after turning things over in her mind, she decided to seek counsel from a colleague at work – Franca. Previous advice from her friends had failed to make a difference in her marriage as they had resulted in further estrangement. During her lunch break, she sought out Franca; over lunch, she poured out her pains interspersed with sobs. Franca listened in silence, without interruption as she ended her complaint with the following summary of her situation “ Honestly, Segun is so self-centred and inconsiderate. He lacks compassion and all he cares about is himself. I cannot even complain to his parents or siblings because they all revere him. They adore the ground he walks on, and he can do no wrong as far as they are concerned. It is so frustrating not having anyone to share my burdens with that can effect a change.”

At the end of the tirade, Franca smiled and in a gentle voice asked her colleague “Have you ever tried the simple remedy your name provides? While growing up, I was taught that JOY is an acronym for Jesus first, Yourself last and Others in between. That is my mantra, and it has consistently worked for me in all situations including marriage.” She sensed Joy’s confusion and continued “I will break it down. In every relationship whether at work, with family (both immediate and extended), at church, or socially, I put the situation first in Jesus’s hands. What does the word of God say concerning this? How would Jesus want me to react? That determines the way I would handle the situation. Next comes placing Others before self, but not to the detriment of my wellbeing. Whatever I can do for others that will not place me in jeopardy, comes next before considering my own desires or interest. By giving of myself, I open myself to receiving as God richly blesses me for putting others before self.”

She continued ” This has worked extremely well for me in my marriage with Nnamdi. My husband has learnt from me to also adopt the mantra of JOY and interestingly following that order brings inexplicable joy. When both of us consider each other before ourselves, I receive much more than I give him, and I am not just referring to material things. Before Nnamdi does anything, he considers me first. He runs ideas, propositions, etc. by me because he does not want to inconvenience me. I do the same also and that way, we have each other’s back. The relationship is seamless, and he takes care of my interest while I take care of his. The same goes for issues that relate to his family or mine. Mind you, it was not always this way, but I made a conscious decision to put him and his family before me and he learnt from it. That is not to say that there are no instances where we have differing opinions but by deferring to one another, we make the best of such situations.”

Franca ended her advice on the following note “Do you realise that if Segun is asked, he may have the same opinion about you, that you always want things your own way? You must learn to observe things through your husband’s lens and by example, teach him to do the same for you. Marriage is not a competition, sometimes we must “Stoop to conquer.”

A much happier Joy walked into the office today with a gift for Franca and a one-liner. “Thank you, Franca, it has paid off.” Franca walked around her workstation and gave joy a bear hug and peck on the cheek ending with “We thank God.”

Havilah observes that today there is a lot of emphasis on self-care to reduce stress levels and keep us happy. The focus should be on positivity, things that make us happy and maintains our mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and social stability. Strife at home is a key cause of stress, we must work to eliminate it.

Love

Havilah