Papa and Mama Tembu had lived very energetic and fruitful lives in their professions as a University Professor and Radiologist, respectively. Having hit 70 and 67 years respectively, they decided to retire from the bustling capital city in which they had spent most of their adult life, back to the suburbs where they built their retirement home. This meant a gradual reduction in activity. Two years after the move, Papa Tembu was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and Mama Tembu had to take on his care. Within a year, Mama Tembu was involved in an accident while returning from an errand to the city on behalf of her husband and ended up with paralysis. This brought their three children (all diasporans) back home to make cogent decisions regarding their parents’ welfare. The older two were based in Australia and Japan, respectively, so the responsibility to coordinate their care fell on Funeka, the only female among them who was also closest in proximity, living in Germany. They employed a caregiver, cook, and driver, and Funeka coordinated efforts through daily phone calls and video calls, as well as an annual two-week visit when she could get time off work.

While Funeka tried her best to monitor events, there were some lapses resulting in undesirable consequences at times, as the paid personnel either omitted or neglected to fulfill their responsibilities effectively. She also discovered collusion from time to time and effecting personnel changes was never easy. Whenever she was on the ground or any of her siblings, the household ran smoothly, so they figured that the household needed closer monitoring to work effectively – a situation where someone could give surprise visits and take quick decisions. This proved difficult to resolve as most of their friends were resident in the city or abroad and occupied with earning a living. Extended family dynamics had changed with members being dispersed and a change in levels of education and socio-economic dispositions.

The children tried weighing the options. Do they :-

1. Relocate the parents to live with one of them?
2. Rotate them among all three of them?
3. Relocate each separately?
4. Place them in an institution for the elderly (if available back home)?
5. Employ a Manager/Personal Assistant to manage their affairs?

Relocation brought along immigration related challenges, adaptation to an unfamiliar environment, as well as other considerations, while institutionalising them was fraught with emotional considerations. Could they trust a Personal Assistant to do his work, and how stable would such an arrangement be?

These are some of the challenges that beset the elderly today and reflect the reality of our times.

The Elderly often experience loneliness and disquiet as they reflect on some of these challenges as they respond to life’s changing circumstances. This state can oscillate between fleeting moments of nostalgia or loneliness and more enduring periods of quiet sorrow. As a result, the elderly may find it harder to reach out or maintain connections. Family and friends, unsure how to respond, might inadvertently pull away, deepening the isolation. Communication can become stilted, and misunderstandings may arise, further complicating relationships.

Aging is both a privilege and a challenge. The elderly blues, though tinged with sadness, are also a testament to love, memory, and the passage of time. By acknowledging this emotional landscape and responding with compassion, society can help elders find solace, purpose, and joy, reminding us all that every stage of life is worthy of dignity and care.

A parting word for the children – this is the time when love, understanding, care and sacrifice has to be shown in appreciation for all that was poured out on them by the parents. It takes careful consideration to enable the best decisions to be taken that will work for both the parents and children alike. Most importantly, it requires God’s guidance and wisdom. May the Lord help us all.

Love

Havilah